It is interesting how I allowed myself to be influenced through feelings and emotions by my partner. When I see that she is not feeling ok or that she has a mindfuck, it's like I get it too. Like yesterday we were talking on the phone and I noticed that she's got this voice tonality that she usually has when she's not ok with something. I asked her why and whats wrong and she said nothing and then that she just doesn't know why I'm calling her because we can talk on the internet and that we don't have anything specific to talk about anyway. So that was probably the cause but anyway, I still allowed myself to go into this emotion of "something is wrong", I need to find out and help her correct the problem. I see now that I still see her differently in a way because I care more how she is and also how she sees me. So basically I would like her not to think bad about me and that's relationship mindfuck mind control. Usually what I would do in that situation is that I would start thinking about what is wrong and firstly if I am the reason for it and then I would try to make things 'right'. But yesterday I didn't, now I stop myself and breathe through it and just work with what is here in common sense. I ask and if there is a problem I try to assist in common sense, otherwise I stop to bother and don't think about it at all. I'd say we mostly fuck up things the moment we start to think about them. It's all ego mindfucks. I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to go into my mind and thinking, instead I stay here in the breathe and deal only with what is here, common sense is all I need.
Writing this I felt a slight and short pain on the left middle side of my neck. Something defused? I know in general that pain appears when we write and do self-forgiveness which is indicating that we are in away effective with the process but I usually don't use it to assist myself with it specifically. I am going to be more aware of it and use it to assist myself from now on.
When I wrote the title for this post with the words "dissolving relationship" an emotion of fear/resistance/sadness came up. It was like "oh no I am loosing my relationship and I don't want that" kind of feeling when in fact I am just dissolving and deleting my imaginary mind constructs that are not real to begin with. It was hard for me in the beginning to deal with it but now I see that I am not loosing anything in fact, I am just removing the restrictions/ideas/mindfucks/illusions that fuck me up as my mind. And that is not loosing, that is allowing me as life back to me to be fully here, responsible and participating as equal as one, getting rid of limitation with which I imprisoned myself through my own mind.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
2010 - Christ-mess mind controll
Before this mess of Christ started I explained to my mother what I think about it and that I don't support it. Of course she still wanted me to come home for that 'special' day so that we could be 'together' as a 'family'. And of course there had to be some presents. I said to her I don't need any but I knew she will give something anyway so I said she can bring something modest and useful like something to eat (peanuts), which she did. I didn't want to participate in making a Christ mess tree either but she's all emotional about it and my father also because it's an act that 'family' does together... So I helped just for the sake of my 'special family'. And then we had a feast. I ate until I was completely full and during that I thought about all the starving children and men and all the shit in the world that we accept and allow and I felt like shit. I mean, I want to be the one that does something about it and stops all this shit and all I do is more or less just think about it. I mostly don't compromise myself when it comes to standing for all Life equally towards others, but I do that a lot when it comes to my family and/or my partners family. Now why is that? Because of money and 'security' within this system of abuse. I don't have a job yet, I don't have a place to stay yet, I drive my partners car ... which she got from her parents and she's in a similar situation as well so we have to behave 'good' toward her parents too, to have a 'secure' place within the system. I try to stay away from my family but that mostly results in me being stuck with my partners family because I don't have a place to stay on my own yet. So that's how we are completely controlled by money. In some way or another. It's absurd. I have 3000 € on my bank account which I saved by not spending all of my scholarship and I'd like to give it all to Desteni and Equal Life Foundation but I don't because I'm fucked with my fear of not being able to get a diploma = get a job = have money to live in dignity. And then some still say we have the freedom of choice to do what we want in this system. Oh, for sure! Until it's about making money and surviving we have all the freedom we can get until they put you to jail because you didn't play 'nice'. And then some of you still actually believe that you are a 'good' human being playing 'nice' not doing anything wrong while stealing money from others because you deserve it. I mean, you work so hard don't you? How about those children digging around in toxic garbage waste for some shitty metal out of which our fancy gadgets are made of, for 1€ a day? Fuck them, right? I mean, we can't do anything about it because we like it too much to sit on our royal ass and eat Christ-mess dinners and decorate trees and give each others presents and 'love' our 'special family' because we just don't know what else to do, right? Well I and many others know exactly what to do, but that's not really the problem is it? It's the human ego, the human desire to be fucking special and have it all. And people say; well, that's just how we humans are. Preprogrammed, yes! Mind-controlled, yes! Unwilling to stand up for All Life as One as Equals. If you're like that, FUCK OFF! Don't get in my way! I'm not going to be like that, because I have the courage to stand up, because I'm not spiteful towards life, because I know I am responsible for the whole world just the same as everyone else and I'm willing to change. How dishonest does one have to be to say that what I am doing is 'too extreme' or 'too utopian'? Are you kidding me? I just gave you a real fucking world example of extreme abusive shit while we live in utopia! How dishonest can you get?!
I perfectly see the absolute need for an Equal Money System because that will change everything. That's all that needs to happen. And we have to make it work and it definitely will work, when the majority sees the need for it and supports it. When that happens, everything will change in a very short time and people will get a chance to actually start living for the first time without fear and survival. Who wouldn't like that? Even extremely rich people live in fear and survival all the time! Seriously, how blind must one be to not see this simple fact? When I get a job, I'll give everything I can to the Equal Life Foundation. That's the least I can do. I mean what kind of a human being would one be not to support an Equal Money System? Surely not kind! What does one state by disregarding the Equal Money System and a solution for a Dignified Life for All? That one's evil? What else do you call that, ignorance? Well ignorance is evil! If you like the world like it is right now, you're pure evil! You're not worthy of Life at all! Die well.
I am one vote for an Equal Money System! If you're not, get out of my way!
I perfectly see the absolute need for an Equal Money System because that will change everything. That's all that needs to happen. And we have to make it work and it definitely will work, when the majority sees the need for it and supports it. When that happens, everything will change in a very short time and people will get a chance to actually start living for the first time without fear and survival. Who wouldn't like that? Even extremely rich people live in fear and survival all the time! Seriously, how blind must one be to not see this simple fact? When I get a job, I'll give everything I can to the Equal Life Foundation. That's the least I can do. I mean what kind of a human being would one be not to support an Equal Money System? Surely not kind! What does one state by disregarding the Equal Money System and a solution for a Dignified Life for All? That one's evil? What else do you call that, ignorance? Well ignorance is evil! If you like the world like it is right now, you're pure evil! You're not worthy of Life at all! Die well.
I am one vote for an Equal Money System! If you're not, get out of my way!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
2010 - Equal Money System
The Equal Money System is a support system that derives from a single principle, that is also a fact, that we are all as one as equal as Life. That implies that if we do not treat each other equally in all ways, we live in a delusion. How hard is that to realize? Now take a good and thorough look at what exactly it is in your mind that prevents you, personally, to admit such a fact? Is it your ego? Would you like to be more than others? Or do you feel less than others and accept that as your reality? Do you self-honestly accept inequality as your limitation, as what you stand for and believe in? Why would you oppose a system where each individual is treated equally in oneness as Life? I mean if you do, than that states that you are obviously not equal to Life, because all Life is the same. All Life is equal to Life. Value of Life is Life. Is it that you would rather be something special = more than Life, or would you rather be something limited = less than Life? In both cases you can easily forgive yourself for such thoughts of delusion and spiritual diarrhea and take self-responsibility as Life. Or is it FEAR that controls you? What do you fear? Do you fear your-self? Everything is about self. Do you fear of losing your self? Or do you fear losing your advantaged position of power, luxury, fame and sex? If you fear of losing yourself you live in a delusion. Explore Desteni and you will be assisted in realizing why one can never lose self. But if you fear losing your privileged position - you have a problem. Again, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility. You can only fear losing something that was never really yours, but you made it yours and yours only. You lied, manipulated, cheated and not shared, to make it yours. And exactly because of your spitefulness towards others, not willing to consider everyone as one as equal as you as Life, you will lose everything. It is inevitable. Delusions never last. That's why they are delusions. Only what is real stands the test of time. Are you real?
No one can define you in any way what so ever. You and you alone are responsible for every thought, fear, emotion, feeling and action that you do and experience. What is your principle? Who are you? Are you Life? Or do you hate Life? Do you define yourself as 'less that'? Explore Desteni and you will be assisted into self-responsibility and equality as Life. Do you want to be 'more than' and abuse? Explore Desteni and you will be assisted into self-responsibility and equality as Life. Don't want to? Then state that clearly so that we don't waste our time with you. But even if you don't care, you decide in each and every moment who you are. Every day is your judgment day. More we wait, more fucked up we get. I have decided. At death it is too late. Ignorance, waiting and not acting also states who you are = unwilling to take self-responsibility to stand as one and equal as Life and do what is best for all Life. I will die well, how will you die?
No one can define you in any way what so ever. You and you alone are responsible for every thought, fear, emotion, feeling and action that you do and experience. What is your principle? Who are you? Are you Life? Or do you hate Life? Do you define yourself as 'less that'? Explore Desteni and you will be assisted into self-responsibility and equality as Life. Do you want to be 'more than' and abuse? Explore Desteni and you will be assisted into self-responsibility and equality as Life. Don't want to? Then state that clearly so that we don't waste our time with you. But even if you don't care, you decide in each and every moment who you are. Every day is your judgment day. More we wait, more fucked up we get. I have decided. At death it is too late. Ignorance, waiting and not acting also states who you are = unwilling to take self-responsibility to stand as one and equal as Life and do what is best for all Life. I will die well, how will you die?
2010 - My mindfucks towards my father/males
I figured out yesterday that I have a difficulty of establishing communication/friendship with males because I have this point towards my father. We mostly talked when he was drunk and so it was always very unpleasant for me, so I made this defensive layer inside my mind-consciousness system which basically came down to trying to avoid talking to male figures who are in some way or another similar to my father (like those being considered in society as higher authority). Also I experience a resistance to open myself and share myself to males because I am afraid to get the same reaction from them than I got form my father, which is that of non-acceptance and ridicule that would put me in a 'less than' position in relation to them or others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally influenced by what other people say or think about me. I do not accept and allow myself to be moved in any way what so ever by other people thoughts, words, reactions, judgments or deeds. I am here in the breath and I do what is best for all in all ways and I accept all as one as equal as me as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of opening myself up to others and to be afraid that others might hurt my feelings. I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and I do not accept and allow myself to be emotional or have judgmental thoughts or thoughts of comparison or any other thoughts about me or anyone else. I am here in the breath as life as one as equal with all as life. I do not accept and allow any abuse from others towards Life and I take responsibility and direct myself to stop the abuse and not participate in the abuse because I am one and equal and all is me as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally influenced by what other people say or think about me. I do not accept and allow myself to be moved in any way what so ever by other people thoughts, words, reactions, judgments or deeds. I am here in the breath and I do what is best for all in all ways and I accept all as one as equal as me as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of opening myself up to others and to be afraid that others might hurt my feelings. I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and I do not accept and allow myself to be emotional or have judgmental thoughts or thoughts of comparison or any other thoughts about me or anyone else. I am here in the breath as life as one as equal with all as life. I do not accept and allow any abuse from others towards Life and I take responsibility and direct myself to stop the abuse and not participate in the abuse because I am one and equal and all is me as Life.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
2010 - Self-directed sexation and orgasmation?
So the first thing is that a week or so ago I failed after a few months of not watching porn because I watched it again to jack off. It was great, but, I am now even more certain, or should I say self motivated, not to do it again because I understand that by watching porn I accept and allow my sexual mind consciousenss system to control me and supress/possess me as who I am as life. And I don't want that at all! So instead of directing me here and stopping the sexual energy desire, I gave in and got possessed by it, wanting to experience the great energy build up and then the release through ejaculation, which aparently gives me the super-duper feeling of the orgasm. Afterwards I always feel relaxed, cheerful and motivated, but that's all mind system bullshit, because I am always responsible for how I feel and how I experience myself. I do not accept and allow myself to get possessed by sexual energy and desire, instead I stop and breathe and I direct myself here to clear all thoughts and energy movements/desires and I stay here in the breath in self-direction and self-certainty as who I am as life.
That's that.
The other thing is that I don't want to stop sexuality or masturbation completely. Instead I want to be able to use it in self expression as who I am as life, with no wants/desires, to enjoy myself and my body and my partners body the way it is. But I always, when alone or with my partner, get quckly pumped with sexual energy when it comes to touching my 'stick of wonders' and then I give in and want to finish it with an orgasm/ejaculation. Because if I don't I feel tense and agitated and my balls hurt and what not I mean it's a real mind system fuck up. I've tried with my partner a few times to have sex as proposed by Desteni, just touching and feeling each other with no kissing and penetration but in the end, it still all came down to sex. It's quite a retarded situation, because I know that I am responsible for boulding up the sexual energy but still I'm usually unable to stop and then I find it more practical to just finish the thing with an orgasm because then I'm fine and clear again, otherwise I stay even more mindfucked and physically uncomfortable. So to stop this cycle of sexual possession, I have to stop myself before I even start to build up the energy. I've been doing that for some time now and I am getting better at it.
Still sometimes I get the desire to be physical with myself and/or my partner and if she doesn't want to, I breathe and delete the thoughts that come up. Like: "We haven't had sex for a week, I want to get physical..." or "I don't want to just touch myself and jack off, you do that better ..." lol, separation. Then I usualy do nothing and go to sleep.
So I've been working on this self-intimacy thing when alone,' like touching and feeling myself and breathing (trying breath orgasm a bit) and it's pleasant and interesting but as ususal I just can't avoid my dick and when I start with that I also ejaculate. It's like 'why the hell not' situation. So I want to deal wi this thing and right now I don't exactly know how. I also have this unwanted experience when jacking off by hand because it's not comfortable like it is with sex. So today I had a thought/interest of buying a fleshlight, which imitates the real 'cave of wonders', to play with when my partner is not interested. And I don't know if I should. I mean, I can see the mindfuck starting point of wanting to jack off my dick in a hightech suphisticated and comfortable way lol but it's also practical because I want to get rid of that sexual energy possession/desire to ejaculate everytime I start touching my dick. So I would use it to practically get rid of the speciallness of the experience of putting my 'magic stick' into the 'cave of woders'. Seriously though, in the end, it's all an excuse to continue orgasmating and ejaculating and feeling good about it.
I'm sure some of you already found some way to sort this sexuality thing out, yes? Well please give some perspectives. I find it complicated, lol.
That's that.
The other thing is that I don't want to stop sexuality or masturbation completely. Instead I want to be able to use it in self expression as who I am as life, with no wants/desires, to enjoy myself and my body and my partners body the way it is. But I always, when alone or with my partner, get quckly pumped with sexual energy when it comes to touching my 'stick of wonders' and then I give in and want to finish it with an orgasm/ejaculation. Because if I don't I feel tense and agitated and my balls hurt and what not I mean it's a real mind system fuck up. I've tried with my partner a few times to have sex as proposed by Desteni, just touching and feeling each other with no kissing and penetration but in the end, it still all came down to sex. It's quite a retarded situation, because I know that I am responsible for boulding up the sexual energy but still I'm usually unable to stop and then I find it more practical to just finish the thing with an orgasm because then I'm fine and clear again, otherwise I stay even more mindfucked and physically uncomfortable. So to stop this cycle of sexual possession, I have to stop myself before I even start to build up the energy. I've been doing that for some time now and I am getting better at it.
Still sometimes I get the desire to be physical with myself and/or my partner and if she doesn't want to, I breathe and delete the thoughts that come up. Like: "We haven't had sex for a week, I want to get physical..." or "I don't want to just touch myself and jack off, you do that better ..." lol, separation. Then I usualy do nothing and go to sleep.
So I've been working on this self-intimacy thing when alone,' like touching and feeling myself and breathing (trying breath orgasm a bit) and it's pleasant and interesting but as ususal I just can't avoid my dick and when I start with that I also ejaculate. It's like 'why the hell not' situation. So I want to deal wi this thing and right now I don't exactly know how. I also have this unwanted experience when jacking off by hand because it's not comfortable like it is with sex. So today I had a thought/interest of buying a fleshlight, which imitates the real 'cave of wonders', to play with when my partner is not interested. And I don't know if I should. I mean, I can see the mindfuck starting point of wanting to jack off my dick in a hightech suphisticated and comfortable way lol but it's also practical because I want to get rid of that sexual energy possession/desire to ejaculate everytime I start touching my dick. So I would use it to practically get rid of the speciallness of the experience of putting my 'magic stick' into the 'cave of woders'. Seriously though, in the end, it's all an excuse to continue orgasmating and ejaculating and feeling good about it.
I'm sure some of you already found some way to sort this sexuality thing out, yes? Well please give some perspectives. I find it complicated, lol.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
2010 - Sharing my dreams
#1:
"I left 'my' car parked an when I came back it was gone. I found it in a different place where two Italian guys were trying to start their van by using my cars battery and cables. I couldn't understand why didn't they just ask for help instead of stealing my car and moving it to somewhere else to try and help themselves, lol."
When I looked at my dream I immediately recognized the point. I have defined Italians as robbers and hypocrites because of some experiences I had with them. Very assisting dream :)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define Italians as robbers and hypocrites. I do not accept and allow myself to judge and define people according to their nationality or any other way. I stand as life, equal and one with all that is here.
#2:
"I was at my partners house in the living room sitting with her on the bench at the table, her family members were also in the room. Then I realized she is undressed telling me let's have sex. I was like: "Are you for real?" And she asked if something is wrong and I said I don't want to have sex in front of her family members, lol.
The point here is obviously my mindfuck of being naked/having sex in front of other people which is something to forgive but I'm still not going to do it any time soon lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed when naked if others can see me. I do not accept and allow myself to be embarrassed in front of other people when naked or exposed in any way. I accept me as life as who I am as I accept all as one and equal in every here moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed of being intimate with someone in front of other people. I do not accept and allow myself to be embarrassed when being intimate with someone if others can see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex and intimacy as an activity that must be done in secrecy. I do not accept and allow myself to define or do anything in secrecy because I accept myself as all that is here in all ways as one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex and intimacy as something special. I do not accept and allow myself to define sex and intimacy or anything else as special. I am one with all that is here and all is equal.
"I left 'my' car parked an when I came back it was gone. I found it in a different place where two Italian guys were trying to start their van by using my cars battery and cables. I couldn't understand why didn't they just ask for help instead of stealing my car and moving it to somewhere else to try and help themselves, lol."
When I looked at my dream I immediately recognized the point. I have defined Italians as robbers and hypocrites because of some experiences I had with them. Very assisting dream :)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define Italians as robbers and hypocrites. I do not accept and allow myself to judge and define people according to their nationality or any other way. I stand as life, equal and one with all that is here.
#2:
"I was at my partners house in the living room sitting with her on the bench at the table, her family members were also in the room. Then I realized she is undressed telling me let's have sex. I was like: "Are you for real?" And she asked if something is wrong and I said I don't want to have sex in front of her family members, lol.
The point here is obviously my mindfuck of being naked/having sex in front of other people which is something to forgive but I'm still not going to do it any time soon lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed when naked if others can see me. I do not accept and allow myself to be embarrassed in front of other people when naked or exposed in any way. I accept me as life as who I am as I accept all as one and equal in every here moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed of being intimate with someone in front of other people. I do not accept and allow myself to be embarrassed when being intimate with someone if others can see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex and intimacy as an activity that must be done in secrecy. I do not accept and allow myself to define or do anything in secrecy because I accept myself as all that is here in all ways as one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex and intimacy as something special. I do not accept and allow myself to define sex and intimacy or anything else as special. I am one with all that is here and all is equal.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
2010 - Avoiding physical touch
Lately Barbi and I decided to stop all little things that are based on and connected to the relationship we were/are in. Like kissing and other energy based actions. She is somewhat more willing/motivated to do this things because I still have a desire to hug/kiss/have sex for orgasm. I often still lose my self-direction in standing here with no mind or energy movement when I am with her. Usually I experience the point of "unfairness" and "inequality" when it comes to sex and other more intimate experiences because most of the people around me have/had more of it than I do. I see myself as "less then".
Also, when being with other women (meaning not with Barbi), I always try to avoid any physical contact because I still get this desire to be intimate with other girls and thus the contact from that point on would not be in equality but from self interest. So because of that I suppress all physical contact to avoid mindfucks and energy movements in me and in that way actually also keep them going because then the desire to be more physical with others comes up.
I was thinking that maybe the best way to deal with this point would be to do self-forgiveness aloud when in such a situation with someone that's willing to assist me in this way.
Also, when being with other women (meaning not with Barbi), I always try to avoid any physical contact because I still get this desire to be intimate with other girls and thus the contact from that point on would not be in equality but from self interest. So because of that I suppress all physical contact to avoid mindfucks and energy movements in me and in that way actually also keep them going because then the desire to be more physical with others comes up.
I was thinking that maybe the best way to deal with this point would be to do self-forgiveness aloud when in such a situation with someone that's willing to assist me in this way.
Friday, October 29, 2010
2010 - Sleeping 4 hours is enough
I usually sleep for 7 or 8 hours a day but last two days I've noticed a change. Two days ago I talked with a friend about sleeping and how 4-6 hours is more than enough and that anything more is actually a mindfucked habit. Later that night I woke up exactly after 4 hour of sleep, ready to go to work because I thought it's time to go but it was just 3:30 am. So I didn't know what else to do and I went back to sleep. And the next day (yesterday) the same thing happened. I woke up and I didn't feel sleepy or tired or anything. But again I found excuses why not to get up so I fell asleep again. :D Until now when I tried to sleep less I felt tired and sleepy when I woke up but now I don't anymore. That's great, all I have to do now is to actually get up and stop wasting my time with sleep.
Monday, October 25, 2010
2010 - Dreams and Self-Forgiveness
Today I had a dream about me and my partner having sex when suddenly my mother came into the room and left when she saw us. I didn't want her to see us so I felt a bit embarrassed and, well, just caught in the act.
The point I see with this is that I am still usually participating in sex from a point of self-interest, wanting to experience the release of sexual energy, which I still allow to build up and then let it influence me instead of me taking self-responsibility in every moment to stop participating in everything that originates from the mind and is energy-based.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sex from the point of self-interest and desire to build up and release sexual energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sexual thoughts and imagination instead of me being here in the breath with the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be guided by sexual energy/desire instead of me taking self-responsibility in every breath here in self-direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as a way to get an orgasm and to participate in sex because of experiencing an orgasm.
I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to have a want/desire to give my partner the best orgasm and to participate in judgment and comparison.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex according to porno videos and images and to accept that definitions as the way sex should/must look like.
The point I see with this is that I am still usually participating in sex from a point of self-interest, wanting to experience the release of sexual energy, which I still allow to build up and then let it influence me instead of me taking self-responsibility in every moment to stop participating in everything that originates from the mind and is energy-based.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sex from the point of self-interest and desire to build up and release sexual energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sexual thoughts and imagination instead of me being here in the breath with the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be guided by sexual energy/desire instead of me taking self-responsibility in every breath here in self-direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as a way to get an orgasm and to participate in sex because of experiencing an orgasm.
I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to have a want/desire to give my partner the best orgasm and to participate in judgment and comparison.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex according to porno videos and images and to accept that definitions as the way sex should/must look like.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
2010 - Update on dealing with my father
So because I couldn't face my father directly (we usually don't see each other when he is sober) I wrote him a letter where I've explained my starting point and that I will no longer support his drinking and thus not talking to him when he is drunk (other than hello). I left it at the computer he uses for him to see the next day when I'll no longer be there and gone for the weekend. So after that three days not being at home (but at my partners place) I experienced a rush of fear every time someone called me on the phone because I've expected my father calling being angry. He didn't call me eventually. So after coming back home on Monday he left me a message bellow mine saying that he completely understands me and that he hopes that I have a good judgment of when he is drunk and that I won't use that as an excuse to not talk to him. So now when he's drunk he doesn't try to talk to me so it looks like it worked. Maybe he'll also reconsider his drinking habits. That would be a miracle lol.
Monday, October 18, 2010
2010 - Sexual self-interest, judgment, comparison
Through watching porn and also later according to my partner I realized that my joystick/penis isn't as big as my ego would like it to be. So I started to participate in self-judgment and comparison which is great for giving your life away to systems (not recommended). So now I stop with this ego crap by firstly explaining how my mindfuck looks like:
The mind consciousness system (which I allow to exist) wants/needs energy which translates to my ego wanting a lot of sex with a lot of perfect women that will provide that energy. Of course when I fuck a woman she should have the best sex ever so that she will want to do it again and maybe also spread the word to other possible candidates. But according to the systems a man needs a big dick to do the job right and make the woman satisfied. I've been able to observe the upper system play-outs very nicely thanks to Valentin (check out his blog) and another woman I know. She tries to find an agreement for herself where her guideline is the size of a mans dick. Not recommended.
It is important to understand that an agreement must not be based on self-interest because otherwise you will make your process longer instead of shorter.
So continuing, my 13 cm size dick does not fall into a category of big or anything close to that (right here my ego/mind wanted to avoid the word small, it's small alright, SMALL, SHORT. The point of this was to defuse the fear/energy movement in me triggered by combining the words "my penis is small" together, not to make comparisons. That is a big mindfuck generator which doesn't consider what is best for all). So that point resulted in me fearing to lose my partner because she might not be satisfied by the way I am. And also not being able to get another for the same reason. Because of that I also made sure that she's always enjoying sex as much as possible, always giving my focus to her and what she likes. I will write self forgiveness on reactions and energy experiences on this topic.
I also realized that I didn't want to reveal this to everyone because I was still holding on to the idea/desire to manifest the above ego mind-fuck-around of wanting to have sex with lots of perfect women just for an energy fix. Now that I've put it all out it feels great.
I stop and I breathe and I'm here and I don't accept and allow myself to participate and experience such ego/desire crap mindfucks anymore because it is all self-interest and self-deception. I am one and equal with life and do what is best for all and I will expose everyone and everything that is self deceptive, based on self-interest and doesn't support life in oneness and equality.
The mind consciousness system (which I allow to exist) wants/needs energy which translates to my ego wanting a lot of sex with a lot of perfect women that will provide that energy. Of course when I fuck a woman she should have the best sex ever so that she will want to do it again and maybe also spread the word to other possible candidates. But according to the systems a man needs a big dick to do the job right and make the woman satisfied. I've been able to observe the upper system play-outs very nicely thanks to Valentin (check out his blog) and another woman I know. She tries to find an agreement for herself where her guideline is the size of a mans dick. Not recommended.
It is important to understand that an agreement must not be based on self-interest because otherwise you will make your process longer instead of shorter.
So continuing, my 13 cm size dick does not fall into a category of big or anything close to that (right here my ego/mind wanted to avoid the word small, it's small alright, SMALL, SHORT. The point of this was to defuse the fear/energy movement in me triggered by combining the words "my penis is small" together, not to make comparisons. That is a big mindfuck generator which doesn't consider what is best for all). So that point resulted in me fearing to lose my partner because she might not be satisfied by the way I am. And also not being able to get another for the same reason. Because of that I also made sure that she's always enjoying sex as much as possible, always giving my focus to her and what she likes. I will write self forgiveness on reactions and energy experiences on this topic.
I also realized that I didn't want to reveal this to everyone because I was still holding on to the idea/desire to manifest the above ego mind-fuck-around of wanting to have sex with lots of perfect women just for an energy fix. Now that I've put it all out it feels great.
I stop and I breathe and I'm here and I don't accept and allow myself to participate and experience such ego/desire crap mindfucks anymore because it is all self-interest and self-deception. I am one and equal with life and do what is best for all and I will expose everyone and everything that is self deceptive, based on self-interest and doesn't support life in oneness and equality.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
2010 - Self-Sufficiency
We've been changing our relationship into an agreement with Barbi for quite some time now. It's tough but fuck that we'll work it out :)
So on 1st of October she moved to Maribor to continue her study and I live in Celje to finish my practical work before I do my diploma. We don't see each other from Monday until Thursday which gives me a nice opportunity to develop self-support and self-sufficiency.
Mostly when alone (or without anyone knowing about Desteni around me) some points still come up like a desire to talk with someone about Desteni stuff or a desire to hug Barbi or someone that would "give" me that energy feeling of "I have someone that likes me and understands me". And of course sometimes the desire to build up sexual energy. I breathe through and stop the thoughts that cause the separation.
I also get the point of "I don't want to be alone" so then I try to hang out with Ajda. Have to work on that some more. But it's also supportive because she's doing her process too.
So on 1st of October she moved to Maribor to continue her study and I live in Celje to finish my practical work before I do my diploma. We don't see each other from Monday until Thursday which gives me a nice opportunity to develop self-support and self-sufficiency.
Mostly when alone (or without anyone knowing about Desteni around me) some points still come up like a desire to talk with someone about Desteni stuff or a desire to hug Barbi or someone that would "give" me that energy feeling of "I have someone that likes me and understands me". And of course sometimes the desire to build up sexual energy. I breathe through and stop the thoughts that cause the separation.
I also get the point of "I don't want to be alone" so then I try to hang out with Ajda. Have to work on that some more. But it's also supportive because she's doing her process too.
2010 - Sexual desire and pictures
A while ago I've noticed that I am only/mostly interested in talking to and going out with girls. I've realized that I still haven't dealt with my sexual mindfuck desire to experience sex with some other girl than Barbi which is the only one I had sex with. So by not wanting to face with that mindfuck I subconsciously tried to create opportunities for that mindfuck to play out. Connected to that mindfuck is also a picture of how that "perfect" woman should look like. Because according to my mindfuck, the woman that arouses me the most by the way she looks would also give me the best sexual pleasure/orgasm. LoL. Some time ago I was trying to figure out how did I construct such an image of a "perfect" woman in my head and then I realized that the base for it is a PC game character Alyx from Half Life 2. LoL. It's a picture of a picture of a picture.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by pictures and to compare pictures with each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by sexual energy experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by pictures and to compare pictures with each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by sexual energy experiences.
Monday, October 11, 2010
2010 - Fearing my father
I realized that I am afraid to speak to my father when he's drunk because I am afraid that I will make him angry and violent. When I was a kid he usually became violent when my mother talked with him. Mostly he just shouted and slammed doors but there was this one time when he grabbed my mother by her hair and held her for some time. I remember I got scared really bad and started crying. She tried to calm me down when he was still holding her and the way I see it now it seemed that the only reason why he didn't hit her was because I was there watching. Yeah, this is probably the major point about why I am scared of my father getting angry.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
2010 - Points on Barbi and my father
Today (Wednesday) is the 3rd day of me living with my parents (again, since it's closer to where I work to get my mandatory practical education done) and apart from my agreement/girlfriend Barbi (she continues her studies in another town not too far away).
Yesterday I experienced some points of feeling a bit sad/empty because Barbi is not around which resulted in me thinking about how is she and what is she doing. I've noticed the mind pattern I was participating in pretty soon and started to breathe, focus on what is here and let it go. If it re-appears I just stop and breathe.
The other point is about my father. On Monday he came home late at about 10 p.m., expectedly drunk as most of the times. Maybe you've seen my vlog about me saying that I'll say to him that I won't talk to him anymore when he's drunk. I didn't do that yet because I didn't manage to calm down enough to stand in front of him in the breath as me here. When I talk to him when he's drunk it's like an energy storm inside of me and I get pumped with adrenalin so that if I pick up a glass to drink I feel my arm shaking. Fucking crazy. I realized that I have the wrong starting point when I speak with him. I come from a perspective of "I am in danger and must defend myself against psychological attacks at all costs" which I think results in the adrenalin and everything. I have already done some Self-Forgiveness so that next time I can come from the One and Equal starting point. I also decided that I will talk to him about not talking to him :) when he's drunk the next time he is sober to also eliminate my nervousness.
I'll also write a Mind Construct going through the time line of when he came home to map everything that was going on inside of my head and body and then write Self-Forgiveness.
Yesterday I experienced some points of feeling a bit sad/empty because Barbi is not around which resulted in me thinking about how is she and what is she doing. I've noticed the mind pattern I was participating in pretty soon and started to breathe, focus on what is here and let it go. If it re-appears I just stop and breathe.
The other point is about my father. On Monday he came home late at about 10 p.m., expectedly drunk as most of the times. Maybe you've seen my vlog about me saying that I'll say to him that I won't talk to him anymore when he's drunk. I didn't do that yet because I didn't manage to calm down enough to stand in front of him in the breath as me here. When I talk to him when he's drunk it's like an energy storm inside of me and I get pumped with adrenalin so that if I pick up a glass to drink I feel my arm shaking. Fucking crazy. I realized that I have the wrong starting point when I speak with him. I come from a perspective of "I am in danger and must defend myself against psychological attacks at all costs" which I think results in the adrenalin and everything. I have already done some Self-Forgiveness so that next time I can come from the One and Equal starting point. I also decided that I will talk to him about not talking to him :) when he's drunk the next time he is sober to also eliminate my nervousness.
I'll also write a Mind Construct going through the time line of when he came home to map everything that was going on inside of my head and body and then write Self-Forgiveness.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
2010 - Dealing with my sex system
I woke up aroused today so I wanted to take care of it and release the energy by being HERE with no thought or anything (I stopped all porn quite a while ago). I was just focusing on the feeling I had in my body and nothing else. It didn't really work and the arousal went aways fast so I stopped. Obviously all of my arousal and urge to release it came completely from my mind and was not real at all. Just systems.
And it got me thinking if I ever had sex without any thoughts and mind just being HERE. Obviously I didn't because every time I am presented with an opportunity to have sex I get aroused automatically and that's all mind systems controlling me. No more mind-picture-system arousal! Delete-erase-disengage. :)
And it got me thinking if I ever had sex without any thoughts and mind just being HERE. Obviously I didn't because every time I am presented with an opportunity to have sex I get aroused automatically and that's all mind systems controlling me. No more mind-picture-system arousal! Delete-erase-disengage. :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
2010 - Fever, medicine, (herpes?)
Two days ago when I woke up I got diarrhoea and later also a fever. Both lasted for the whole day and in the evening I had a fever over 39°C. I don't know the cause of it, maybe I got it because I started to eat meat a few days ago or maybe I got a sunstroke the previous day but that's unlikely. Maybe it was just a virosis... I hope at least some systems got removed in the process :) I took a pill to reduce my fever in the evening and the next day I was ok. At first I had some thoughts about taking the pills because it was explained through the portal that fever helps to remove systems but Bernard also explained that drugs must also be used when appropriate as a chemical bridge to help the body balance itself back. So the pills also helped a lot to get me back in shape.
Unfortunately today a got herpes on my lips... I read it's because my immune system weakened when I had fever. I wonder if it assists me with something too? Any idea?
EDIT:
Found an explanation on Desteni forum:
Herpes
Have to write more about my parents.
Unfortunately today a got herpes on my lips... I read it's because my immune system weakened when I had fever. I wonder if it assists me with something too? Any idea?
EDIT:
Found an explanation on Desteni forum:
Herpes
Have to write more about my parents.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
2010 - Stopped being a vegetarian
A few days ago I started (together with my not-an-agreement-yet-but-getting-there Barbi :) to eat meat again since I've learned at Desteni by reading this article: Here it is That a sudden stop of eating meat is not good for the body. Since I don't have an O-type blood I can stop eating meat gradually. So for now I'll just start eating meat again 3 times a week and then I'll see how my body reacts. Right now I'm quite thin and I used to be more muscular.
Friday, August 6, 2010
2010 - Stopping Addictions (sweets) Conclusion
While I wasn't eating any sugar nothing changed significantly so I figured that only when I start eating sweets I get the temporary addiction of wanting more until I feel sick, lol. So now I am aware of when and how much food I ate and I stop when my body says it's enough.
In regards to other addictions I don't think I have any. Like with sugar, sometimes I get temporarily addicted to something because I don't have anything else (fun) to do. Like right now I play Wii a lot. Like few hours a day. But I'm still not addicted particularly to Wii, I am addicted to the idea that I have to do something I defined as fun to have fun. Yeah that's my problem. I define things as fun and not fun and then I try to do only fun things as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define things as fun/not fun.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have a desire of doing fun things only because I defined them as fun.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to do things I defined as fun in order to have fun.
I don't need anything or anyone in order to have fun because I am fun and everything here can be fun if I want to.
In regards to other addictions I don't think I have any. Like with sugar, sometimes I get temporarily addicted to something because I don't have anything else (fun) to do. Like right now I play Wii a lot. Like few hours a day. But I'm still not addicted particularly to Wii, I am addicted to the idea that I have to do something I defined as fun to have fun. Yeah that's my problem. I define things as fun and not fun and then I try to do only fun things as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define things as fun/not fun.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have a desire of doing fun things only because I defined them as fun.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to do things I defined as fun in order to have fun.
I don't need anything or anyone in order to have fun because I am fun and everything here can be fun if I want to.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
2010 - Some Self-Forgiveness on Fear
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of talking to a person that is considered as higher authority. I will not be afraid of talking to anyone because we are all one and equal. I will not define myself as more or less than anyone else because that is self-deception.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not knowing the correct answer.
I will not be afraid of stating that I do not know the right answer.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not knowing what/how to answer.
I will not be afraid to state that I do no know what/how to answer.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not understanding what someone wants/demands from me.
I will not be afraid of asking questions if I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not having the skill to do what someone demands from me.
I will not be afraid of stating clearly that I do not know how to do things I have no experience with and I will not blame myself because of it.
I will not blame myself for anything I do not know or understand or have no experience with because that is who I am here in the breath an I accept myself as who I am as one and equal with all that is here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not knowing the correct answer.
I will not be afraid of stating that I do not know the right answer.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not knowing what/how to answer.
I will not be afraid to state that I do no know what/how to answer.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not understanding what someone wants/demands from me.
I will not be afraid of asking questions if I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not having the skill to do what someone demands from me.
I will not be afraid of stating clearly that I do not know how to do things I have no experience with and I will not blame myself because of it.
I will not blame myself for anything I do not know or understand or have no experience with because that is who I am here in the breath an I accept myself as who I am as one and equal with all that is here.
Monday, July 12, 2010
2010 - Making a Vlog
I am trying (that's the problem right there:) to make my personal Vlog (video log) for a week or so now and I still didn't do it. Every time I try I find some excuse why not to. Like I don't have anything interesting to say. But the truth is I have big mindfucks about it. Like I fear that people will judge me and that I will be humiliated. Also I don't like to watch my-self because I don't like the way I look. I think I am funny and strange. I have to write some self-forgiveness about it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others. I will not judge myself and I will not judge others. I will not fear judgement and I will not allow to judge myself because I am here in the breath and I accept me as me as who I am as I accept all as me as what I am equal to. I am one and equal in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my-self. I accept myself here in the breath as me as who I am as I accept all that is here as me as what I am equal to. I am one and equal in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I look. I accept myself here in the breath as me as who I am in all ways as I accept everything that is here in the physical as me as what I am equal to. I am one and equal in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as funny and strange and ugly. I will not define myself because I am already here in the breath as one and equal with what is here in the physical. I am one and equal with the physical in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of humiliation. I will not be afraid of humiliation because it is always self-humiliation. I will not allow humiliation in me and as me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of exposing myself the way I am. I will not be afraid of exposing my-self as me as what I am here in the breath because I accept my-self as me as what I am here in the breath as one and equal to what is here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me. I will not fear what others may think of me because I accept my-self as me as who I am here in the breath in the physical as one and equal to what is here. What others think in their minds is not here in the physical in every breath and therefore is not real and not important.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of what others may say about me. I will not be afraid of what others may say about me because I accept me as me as who I am here in the breath in the physical as one and equal to what is here in the physical in every breath because that is who I am. I will not be afraid of others judgement because judgement is judgement of self.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from others. I will not hide from others because I am self-honest in every breath here in the physical as me as who I am and I accept myself as me as who I am here in the physical in every breath unconditionally as one and equal to what is here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will make me feel bad. I will not fear that others will make me feel bad because I am responsible for how I feel and no one else.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to look good and smart in front of others. I accept me as me as what I am here in the physical in every breath as one and equal to what is here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as good/bad, smart/stupid, good looking/ugly. I am what I am, one and equal, there is no polarity in being here in the breath. I accept myself as who I am here in the physical in every breath unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others. I will not judge myself and I will not judge others. I will not fear judgement and I will not allow to judge myself because I am here in the breath and I accept me as me as who I am as I accept all as me as what I am equal to. I am one and equal in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my-self. I accept myself here in the breath as me as who I am as I accept all that is here as me as what I am equal to. I am one and equal in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I look. I accept myself here in the breath as me as who I am in all ways as I accept everything that is here in the physical as me as what I am equal to. I am one and equal in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as funny and strange and ugly. I will not define myself because I am already here in the breath as one and equal with what is here in the physical. I am one and equal with the physical in every breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of humiliation. I will not be afraid of humiliation because it is always self-humiliation. I will not allow humiliation in me and as me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of exposing myself the way I am. I will not be afraid of exposing my-self as me as what I am here in the breath because I accept my-self as me as what I am here in the breath as one and equal to what is here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me. I will not fear what others may think of me because I accept my-self as me as who I am here in the breath in the physical as one and equal to what is here. What others think in their minds is not here in the physical in every breath and therefore is not real and not important.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of what others may say about me. I will not be afraid of what others may say about me because I accept me as me as who I am here in the breath in the physical as one and equal to what is here in the physical in every breath because that is who I am. I will not be afraid of others judgement because judgement is judgement of self.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from others. I will not hide from others because I am self-honest in every breath here in the physical as me as who I am and I accept myself as me as who I am here in the physical in every breath unconditionally as one and equal to what is here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will make me feel bad. I will not fear that others will make me feel bad because I am responsible for how I feel and no one else.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to look good and smart in front of others. I accept me as me as what I am here in the physical in every breath as one and equal to what is here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as good/bad, smart/stupid, good looking/ugly. I am what I am, one and equal, there is no polarity in being here in the breath. I accept myself as who I am here in the physical in every breath unconditionally.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
2010 - Stopping addictions
I don't smoke, I already stopped drinking alcohol and now I've decided to also stop the addiction to sugar and sweets. I noticed that often I eat chocolate or similar although I'm not hungry. Sometimes I feel that I already ate too much sugar but I still eat it automatically not realizing it like a true robot, lol. I obviously programmed it as a habit into my mind and it's not supportive at all. So I'll stop eating sugar for 21 days (it seams to be the universal number for breaking a habit and becoming aware of self :) to stop the habit and to start being aware of what I eat and why.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
2010 - Shaving my head for equality
In January 2010 I've joined the SRAT (structural resonance alignment training) course prepared by Desteni for those that are serious about standing up for all life. Also at that time a new website was created called Face World Face Off.
Anyways at that point I also decided to shave my head and in that prove to my-self that I am not just standing up in my mind but also in the physical, because the mind is not real. It is very important that we realize that we are enslaved to our mind and our feelings/emotions because we accepted and allowed them to guide us in the physical and in that we neglected what is real = the physical. We became egoists = mind possessed robots who follow only our own mind and thoughts, believing that we are our mind. And because of that we abuse everything around us and ourselves just to satisfy our mind(fucks) instead of living in the physical, doing what is best for all in practicality. We have to stop our minds because otherwise we will be disregarded by the physical and the whole existence and simply cease to exist.
So when my girlfriend/agreement shaved my head I felt good, like when you know you are doing the right thing, because I was starting to get rid of my ego and also stopped supporting the hair industry that pollutes the earth and water only because we are self-dishonest and want to look good to get sex...
But I didn't get rid of that mind construct simply like that because soon after shaving I realized that the back of my head is not symmetrical and then all the mind crap started. So I had to look at all the thoughts going through my head about it in self-honesty and forgive my-self for accepting and allowing them in me and as me. Then I had to walk through the mind-fucks in real time, not allowing them to re-appear ever again. It's actually quite simple when you write a mind construct on paper and see it in front of you because then you realize it instantaneously when you get it and can thus ignore it, just let it go by and eventually it stops altogether.
I'll share bellow the Ranting&Raving of my mind I made in the context of the mind-fuck I got about my unsymmetrical head. LoL, It's quite funny when you write down all your thoughts because only then it gets really obvious how stupid and unnecessary they are and how we are controlled by them.
---R&R on shaved head---
When I shaved my head I noticed that the back of my skull isn’t symmetric. The right side was more flat than the left. I didn’t bother. Then in the next days, when I looked myself in the mirror I always noticed that and it started to bother me. I was like why is my head like that? Why don’t I have a normal head? I didn’t like it. It is ugly. It doesn’t look nice. If I think it’s not nice then there must be others that think that way. I don’t want people to think my head is strange and bad looking. I don’t want girls to think that way! I don’t want to be ugly. I want girls to find me good looking. Why do I always have to deal with shit like that? When I was a teen I got a vein tumor on my left cheek and I had it for a few years before they managed to remove it permanently. So during that time I was weird. I didn’t want the girls to see me that way. Besides my ears were funny, I walked strangely (X style lol), I have very deep collarbone, my male organ is not big enough and so on and on… I felt like someone is making fun out of me by designing my body that way. Then I went to thoughts like I don’t care what others think of me. If I didn’t care as much before why should I now? I don’t care but I still don’t think my head is nice. I would like it to be symmetric and if I can do something about it I will. It’s because of me, not because of others. I don’t care what others say. If I corrected my strange walking why shouldn’t I correct my unsymmetrical head by leaving just enough hair to hide it? It will look much nicer to me and I won’t feel like someone is making fun out of me every time I look myself in the mirror. Besides I only use natural soap to wash myself so I still won’t be using any hair products. Everyone wins. Isn’t that a nice compromise? No that is my ego judging the way I look. I’ll shave my head again and keep it that way until I die! Fuck you mindfucks! Now I’m a bit angry that I judge myself. (My throat hurts a bit so as resonances explained I’m not specific enough somewhere.)
I also want to look appealing to the girls because I would like to meat as many as I can and be completely self honest with them in expression. It’s not just about sex. Sure I’d like to try it out because I only had sex with my girlfriend so far. And I always dreamed about having sex with a girl that has a perfect body because that’s most arousing. But that’s not the point. I feel like I’ve missed the fun times other had when I was a teen because I was shy and scared of exposing me or humiliating me in front of others. So I want to do that now and meet self honest girls and share my process with them and support them and have fun with them. I still like my girlfriend very much but I feel like restricting me just to her is not enough and not fair. Before we got together she had lots of fun with boys so why can’t I do it now and as I go do my process as well? When she talks about her experiences (mostly sexual) I always feel jealous. I want to be that free as well. I want to have fun with anyone I want and do my process and be in an agreement with my girlfriend. Now is that some egoism or what. (My throat still hurts.)
--------
Anyways at that point I also decided to shave my head and in that prove to my-self that I am not just standing up in my mind but also in the physical, because the mind is not real. It is very important that we realize that we are enslaved to our mind and our feelings/emotions because we accepted and allowed them to guide us in the physical and in that we neglected what is real = the physical. We became egoists = mind possessed robots who follow only our own mind and thoughts, believing that we are our mind. And because of that we abuse everything around us and ourselves just to satisfy our mind(fucks) instead of living in the physical, doing what is best for all in practicality. We have to stop our minds because otherwise we will be disregarded by the physical and the whole existence and simply cease to exist.
So when my girlfriend/agreement shaved my head I felt good, like when you know you are doing the right thing, because I was starting to get rid of my ego and also stopped supporting the hair industry that pollutes the earth and water only because we are self-dishonest and want to look good to get sex...
But I didn't get rid of that mind construct simply like that because soon after shaving I realized that the back of my head is not symmetrical and then all the mind crap started. So I had to look at all the thoughts going through my head about it in self-honesty and forgive my-self for accepting and allowing them in me and as me. Then I had to walk through the mind-fucks in real time, not allowing them to re-appear ever again. It's actually quite simple when you write a mind construct on paper and see it in front of you because then you realize it instantaneously when you get it and can thus ignore it, just let it go by and eventually it stops altogether.
I'll share bellow the Ranting&Raving of my mind I made in the context of the mind-fuck I got about my unsymmetrical head. LoL, It's quite funny when you write down all your thoughts because only then it gets really obvious how stupid and unnecessary they are and how we are controlled by them.
---R&R on shaved head---
When I shaved my head I noticed that the back of my skull isn’t symmetric. The right side was more flat than the left. I didn’t bother. Then in the next days, when I looked myself in the mirror I always noticed that and it started to bother me. I was like why is my head like that? Why don’t I have a normal head? I didn’t like it. It is ugly. It doesn’t look nice. If I think it’s not nice then there must be others that think that way. I don’t want people to think my head is strange and bad looking. I don’t want girls to think that way! I don’t want to be ugly. I want girls to find me good looking. Why do I always have to deal with shit like that? When I was a teen I got a vein tumor on my left cheek and I had it for a few years before they managed to remove it permanently. So during that time I was weird. I didn’t want the girls to see me that way. Besides my ears were funny, I walked strangely (X style lol), I have very deep collarbone, my male organ is not big enough and so on and on… I felt like someone is making fun out of me by designing my body that way. Then I went to thoughts like I don’t care what others think of me. If I didn’t care as much before why should I now? I don’t care but I still don’t think my head is nice. I would like it to be symmetric and if I can do something about it I will. It’s because of me, not because of others. I don’t care what others say. If I corrected my strange walking why shouldn’t I correct my unsymmetrical head by leaving just enough hair to hide it? It will look much nicer to me and I won’t feel like someone is making fun out of me every time I look myself in the mirror. Besides I only use natural soap to wash myself so I still won’t be using any hair products. Everyone wins. Isn’t that a nice compromise? No that is my ego judging the way I look. I’ll shave my head again and keep it that way until I die! Fuck you mindfucks! Now I’m a bit angry that I judge myself. (My throat hurts a bit so as resonances explained I’m not specific enough somewhere.)
I also want to look appealing to the girls because I would like to meat as many as I can and be completely self honest with them in expression. It’s not just about sex. Sure I’d like to try it out because I only had sex with my girlfriend so far. And I always dreamed about having sex with a girl that has a perfect body because that’s most arousing. But that’s not the point. I feel like I’ve missed the fun times other had when I was a teen because I was shy and scared of exposing me or humiliating me in front of others. So I want to do that now and meet self honest girls and share my process with them and support them and have fun with them. I still like my girlfriend very much but I feel like restricting me just to her is not enough and not fair. Before we got together she had lots of fun with boys so why can’t I do it now and as I go do my process as well? When she talks about her experiences (mostly sexual) I always feel jealous. I want to be that free as well. I want to have fun with anyone I want and do my process and be in an agreement with my girlfriend. Now is that some egoism or what. (My throat still hurts.)
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Monday, July 5, 2010
2010 - Finally I've created my blog
Finally I've created my blog where I will share my process of birthing my-self as life. Let me write something about how I've started with all of this.
I came across Desteni about 2 years ago and I was really fascinated about everything they had to share so I started to explore the videos and everything. I had some doubt about the inter-dimensional portal being real but I focused more on the message anyways and I have to say that it made a lot of sense, especially when I got the whole picture. Now I see that all they share is common sense and practical advice on how to birth yourself as life and stand up for equality and oneness. But everything starts with self-honesty. If you are not able to look at yourself in self-honesty you have a big problem.
And that is what this blog is about. Sharing me and my process in self-honesty so that I can firstly help myself in realizing what I have accepted and allowed in me, as me, so that I can forgive myself for not supporting all life as one as equal and then re-birth my-self as life, where I will stand as one and equal with all life.
I came across Desteni about 2 years ago and I was really fascinated about everything they had to share so I started to explore the videos and everything. I had some doubt about the inter-dimensional portal being real but I focused more on the message anyways and I have to say that it made a lot of sense, especially when I got the whole picture. Now I see that all they share is common sense and practical advice on how to birth yourself as life and stand up for equality and oneness. But everything starts with self-honesty. If you are not able to look at yourself in self-honesty you have a big problem.
And that is what this blog is about. Sharing me and my process in self-honesty so that I can firstly help myself in realizing what I have accepted and allowed in me, as me, so that I can forgive myself for not supporting all life as one as equal and then re-birth my-self as life, where I will stand as one and equal with all life.
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