Day 257 - Demotivated by Money

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I found myself demotivated as I am currently without a regular income and have to find a way to get one. Mainly a job, but that is only one form of income as was pointed out to me. Instead of looking for a job, it is much more productive to look for opportunities of creating new forms of income. Unfortunately, this is what we have reduced living to in capitalism: looking for ways how to get money to survive and become "independent" as far as the hierarchy-enslavement system currently allows. I have never been motivated by desire for money and so I perceive doing something just for or mainly for the purpose of getting money as tedious and dull. I would rather work on projections and solutions to create a dignified, safe and fun life for all. But as I realized, when I see that I have to get money first and only then work for the good of Life, I feel demotivated, down, bored, tired, uninterested. A point I can forgive and correct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel demotivated, down, bored, tired, uninterested when I see that I have to get money first and only then work on things I'd like. When and as I see myself feeling demotivated, down, bored, tired, uninterested when I see I have to get money first and only then work on things I'd like - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am creating these emotions thought allowing the backchat where I think and define working for money as boring, enslaving, unnecessary, instead of giving myself to opportunity to stop all these thoughts and definitions and simply enjoying the physical activities that I do when I work for money. I see I can use this time to learn how to be more effective at the skills that I can then also use in other projects. Thus I commit myself to use the time I work for money to learn how to be in the present moment, to be effective at work and learn new skills that I can use in other projects.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards work, finding and getting a job, searching for ways to get income. When and as I see myself creating a resistance towards working for money, finding and getting a job, searching for ways to get income - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I only sabotage my effectiveness at work when creating such emotions and looking for justifications for them. Thus I commit myself to stop creating resistance towards work, finding and getting a job, searching for ways to get income, instead I breathe and direct myself to be effective at work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that writing a scientific paper to get some money is stupid, boring, dull. When and as I see myself thinking that writing a scientific paper to get some money is stupid, boring, dull - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I only created resistance by allowing such thoughts in my backchat, instead of simply working on it a few hours each day, getting some new writing skills, more reputation for future job applications and money. Thus I commit myself to stop defining writing a scientific article for money as stupid, boring, dull, instead I use it as an opportunity to get skills that will help me in other projects.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with looking for entertainment and other things I have to do when I sit down to write the scientific article or do other job and money earning related work. When and as I see myself distracting myself with looking for entertainment and other things I have to do when I sit down down to write the scientific article or do other job and money earning related work - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am giving into energies and allowing them to take over where I then only feel more miserable. Thus I commit myself to stop giving into distracting energies of looking for entertainment and other things I have to do when I sit down to write the scientific article or do other job and money earning related work. Instead I take a breath forgive the distractions and allow myself to simply be here and direct myself to enjoy the moment as I work and learn, allowing myself to see the opportunity within what I do to improve and get better at the job, being aware that I will always be able to use the skills in other projects.

Day 182 - Running away from self by desiring

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I am working on removing the point of desire / excitement of looking / turning my head at woman that I would perceive as being sexy / having an arousing / perfect body. I've already worked on the obvious points of how I define / judge what is attractive and what not. But there are still points that I missed and are not so obvious. Thus I will look at what other points come up in relation to this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see / perceive / believe / judge / define myself as unworthy and incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like, back when I was still in middle school, because I have defined myself as too ugly, too shy, too scared and too boring to be / deserve to be with a woman I really like and / or find attractive. When and as I see myself seeing / perceiving / believing / judging / defining myself as incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that all these perception/beliefs about myself are not true as I made them up within my mind by convincing myself that I am in fact inferior to other men and woman, by simply repeating it in my mind over and over. Thus I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to see / perceive / believe / judge / define myself as unworthy and incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, because of the above beliefs, create and exist within and as the desire / wish / want within myself to one day be with a "perfect" woman that I will like / find attractive the most as a happiness point and proof to myself that I am not in fact inferior and that I can really be with any kind of woman that I like / find the most attractive. When and as I see myself creating / existing within and as the desire / wish / want to one day be with a "perfect" woman that I will like the most and find the most attractive as a point/desire of proof to myself that I in fact can do it and that I am not inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to in fact be with such a "perfect" woman in order to prove to myself that I am equally worthy to be with such a woman and that I am not inferior, because the point is to simply stop seeing/defining myself as inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge / blame myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life. When and as I see myself judging / blaming myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this judgments are pointless and not real, because I know that what I believe about myself has does not change the fact that all Life and all living beings are in fact equal. Thus I commit myself to not judge / blame myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life. Instead I simply see how this was a part of my life where I still subdued myself to my own fears that I experienced when I was around people and women because I didn't know any better at that time.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think / believe / perceive that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive". When and as I see myself thinking / believing / perceiving that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive" - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I already am equal and/or have courage to do this as I have already proven to myself with removing the fears and so there is no point in actually doing it as this would just be me following the desire / want / need for the positive experience / emotion of happiness / pride that I perceive I would get if I would be with and/or have sex with such a perceived "perfect" woman that I would not dare to approach in the past. Thus I commit myself to no more think / believe / perceive that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive".

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish / want / desire to experience the feeling of pride / happiness / satisfaction with myself that I perceive I would experience if I would be with and/or have sex with a woman that I would perceive as "perfect" and the most attractive. When and as I see myself wishing / wanting / desiring to experience the feeling of pride / happiness / satisfaction with myself that I perceive I would experience if I would be with and/or have sex with a woman that I would perceive as "perfect" and the most attractive - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am participating in the polarity emotional design, where I think / believe that I need such a woman in order to be happy, proud and satisfied with myself. I realize and understand that I need nothing at all in order to be proud of myself, happy and satisfied, because I am the only one that can give all that I want to myself by myself, because I also took all that I think I do not have or cannot give to myself away from myself, by myself, by simply starting to believe that I don't have it in the first place. Thus I commit myself to no more wish / want / desire to experience pride / happiness / satisfaction by being / having sex with a "perfect" attractive woman and to also no more think / believe / perceive that only such a woman can give me what I want, because I know that I am the only one that can stop this separation within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be happy with myself, satisfied and proud of myself. I realize and understand that me wanting a certain woman is just me running away from myself, where I do not give to myself the satisfaction of being whole, complete, happy, satisfied and proud of myself as a living being that does not need anything or anyone else in order to enjoy self. Thus I commit myself to always remind myself that there is no point in running away from myself by desiring certain women, because I am everything that I need in order to always enjoy myself as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself on what kind of woman / partner I am with and/or having sex with. When and as I see myself conditioning my satisfaction with myself based on what kind of woman / partner I am with and/or having sex with - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this separating myself with the belief that how I experience myself and how I am satisfied with myself is dependent on the woman/partner I am with, which is a projection. Thus I commit myself to no more condition my experience / satisfaction with myself with what kind of woman/partner I am with, instead I make sure that I am my own satisfaction in all ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for satisfaction by looking at women and turning my head whenever I see a woman that I perceive as "perfect" looking. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to get satisfaction by looking at women - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand how I have with this separated myself from satisfaction through the belief that satisfaction is en energetic experience that I can only get by looking at "attractive" women. Thus I commit myself to be my own satisfaction and no more define it as an energetic feeling of desire/excitement when looking at "attractive" women.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have no "satisfaction" and/or miss out on "satisfaction" if I stop looking at women from the point of desire/excitement. When and as I see myself believing that I will have no "satisfaction" and/or that I will miss out on satisfaction when I stop looking at women from the starting point of desire/excitement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have with this limited the experience of satisfaction with the energetic experience of desire/excitement when looking at women, which is a separation and self-limitation. Thus I commit myself to no more believe that I will have no satisfaction" and/or that I will miss out on satisfaction as I stop looking at women from the starting point of desire/excitement.

Word redefinition: satisfaction

I have lived the satisfaction as an experience of excitement/desire that I created when I was looking at women, or after I had sex. I also felt satisfied when I've done a good job, e.g. passed the exam, had a good meal, watched a good movie, played a good game. Thus connecting it with a positive feeling of getting/achieving something that I desired.

Dictionary definition:
1.
a.The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.
b. Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification.
c. A source or means of gratification.
2.
a. Compensation for injury or loss; reparation.
b. The opportunity to avenge a wrong; vindication.
3. Assurance beyond doubt or question; complete conviction.

Sounding the word:
sat is faction
sad direction
sit in action

Word polarity:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the word satisfaction as a positive word where I would feel something more when I would be satisfied and feel unfulfilled when I would not be satisfied.

New definition:

The self-fulfillment and self-enjoyment within the letting go of all the energetic wishes / desires / wants / needs and simply being here within breath.

Day 52 - Wanting others to think good about me

Day 51 is in Slovene

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire that my friends would think good about me so that I could have them as safety and backup, so that they would accept me and validate me and help me whenever I would perceive myself as unsafe and incapable of helping and supporting myself. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting desiring that my friends would think good about me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am with this looking for back-doors where I could hide from myself and avoid my self-responsibility to direct myself and deal with myself through writing and self-forgiveness. I commit myself to stop wishing/wanting/desiring my friends to think good about me and like me and instead direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'friend' as someone who I know, like and am familiar with and feel comfortable with and also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a positive experience/feeling of comfort/safety, acceptance/validation withing myself when I am around 'friends', where I then allow this feelings to direct me instead of me directing myself in breath. When and as I see myself defining friends as people who I know, like and am familiar with and feel comfortable with and wish/want/desire to be with them - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am creating a mind polarity where I feel positive when with friends and negative when I am not with them and/or perceive myself as alone, therefore I commit myself to stop wishing/wanting/desiring for the positive experience of safety/acceptance/validation/comfort with my 'friends' as I realize and understand that with this I also create the negative experience of loneliness where I feel negative/sad/depressed/helpless/unwanted when not with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to validate myself through other people where I would feel positive/better about myself when others think good about me and negative about myself when others think bad about me. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to validate myself through other people - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am creating a mind polarity of feeling good about myself when I perceive myself as being accepted/validated by others and bad about myself when I perceive that I am being rejected and not liked by others. I commit myself to stop wishing/wanting/desiring to validate myself through others and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to show care for others and to please them so that they would think good about me and me back whenever I would need it. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to show care for others and please them so that they would like me and think good about me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing this in self-interest and fear of complete self-responsibility and so I commit myself to stop wishing/wanting/desiring to show care for others and please them so that they would like me, instead I direct myself in breath and according to what is best for all.

Day 32 - Sexual Attraction to Pictures

Flat stomachs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as arousal and sexual excitement whenever I see a flat woman's stomach. When and as I see myself going into arousal and sexual excitement when I see a flat woman's stomach – I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself have defined the picture of a flat woman's stomach as sexual and arousing and so I myself am the one who is still accepting and allowing in that moment to get/be aroused and sexually excited, by having the picture of a flat woman's stomach as a trigger point. I commit myself to stop the addiction to sexual energetic excitement through picture stimulation such as the flat woman's stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the picture of a flat woman's stomach as an excuse and justification as why I am excited. When and as I see myself using/existing within and as the excuse of 'it is the picture of a flat woman's stomach that got me excited' – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one who is still accepting and allowing myself to become/be excited through the excuse/justification that it is a picture of a flat woman's stomach who got me excited. I commit myself to not user external points as an excuse of why I am excited/sexually aroused and why I am the way I am and to direct myself here in the breath to stop energetic addictions through perceived pictures such as a flat woman's stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the desire to touch a flat woman's stomach and get the experience of hitting a jackpot in the way where I would get what I always imagined/wanted/desired through thoughts in my mind. When and as I see myself existing within and as the desire to touch a flat woman's stomach – I stop and breathe. I realize that I exist within this desire as I have given this act of being able to touch a flat woman's stomach a higher value within my mind as a pattern through which I would/could experience the highest possible energetic sexual arousal and orgasm. I commit myself to stop searching/chasing the sexual energetic high/orgasm and stop the pattern of sexual addiction to energy and energetic arousal through pictures/imagination/thoughts and instead create a new pattern where I remain here in the breath and focus on the physical touch without any pictures/thoughts/wishes/desires.

Women figures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look and search for 'perfect' women figures whenever I am around women. When and as I see myself looking/searching for 'perfect' women figures – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am through this still accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the pattern of addiction to sexual energy arousal through pictures. I commit myself to stop looking/searching for ‘perfect’ pictures of women figures by being self-directive in the moment and not intentionally turning my head/eyes towards such pictures but remaining here in the breath, not accepting and allowing myself to be directed by such energies/desires.

2012 - Song lyrics

When I hear a song that talks about relationship/love/feelings/emotions I start to listen to the lyrics and allow myself to imagine the relationship/emotional situations when then I go into desire of such relationships/emotions of love etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on the lyrics of emotional/relationship/love songs and to start to imagine myself in such situations and to desire them and believe that I need them in order to be happy. When and as I see myself focusing my attention on such lyrics - I stop, I breathe. I realize that by this I am allowing myself to use such lyrics to become emotional and to desire situations that exist only in my mind and so I get depressed and sad through believing that this is what I need to be happy, instead of realizing that such emotions/happiness is all the illusion of the mind and is never real and always works in polarities where if I am happy in one moment I will have to be sad and depressed in another. This stops here. I do not accept and allow myself to focus on the lyrics and to use them to generate ideas/desires and emotions/feelings, instead I stay here in the breath.

2010 - My mindfucks towards my father/males

I figured out yesterday that I have a difficulty of establishing communication/friendship with males because I have this point towards my father. We mostly talked when he was drunk and so it was always very unpleasant for me, so I made this defensive layer inside my mind-consciousness system which basically came down to trying to avoid talking to male figures who are in some way or another similar to my father (like those being considered in society as higher authority). Also I experience a resistance to open myself and share myself to males because I am afraid to get the same reaction from them than I got form my father, which is that of non-acceptance and ridicule that would put me in a 'less than' position in relation to them or others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally influenced by what other people say or think about me. I do not accept and allow myself to be moved in any way what so ever by other people thoughts, words, reactions, judgments or deeds. I am here in the breath and I do what is best for all in all ways and I accept all as one as equal as me as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of opening myself up to others and to be afraid that others might hurt my feelings. I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and I do not accept and allow myself to be emotional or have judgmental thoughts or thoughts of comparison or any other thoughts about me or anyone else. I am here in the breath as life as one as equal with all as life. I do not accept and allow any abuse from others towards Life and I take responsibility and direct myself to stop the abuse and not participate in the abuse because I am one and equal and all is me as Life.

2010 - Self-directed sexation and orgasmation?

So the first thing is that a week or so ago I failed after a few months of not watching porn because I watched it again to jack off. It was great, but, I am now even more certain, or should I say self motivated, not to do it again because I understand that by watching porn I accept and allow my sexual mind consciousenss system to control me and supress/possess me as who I am as life. And I don't want that at all! So instead of directing me here and stopping the sexual energy desire, I gave in and got possessed by it, wanting to experience the great energy build up and then the release through ejaculation, which aparently gives me the super-duper feeling of the orgasm. Afterwards I always feel relaxed, cheerful and motivated, but that's all mind system bullshit, because I am always responsible for how I feel and how I experience myself. I do not accept and allow myself to get possessed by sexual energy and desire, instead I stop and breathe and I direct myself here to clear all thoughts and energy movements/desires and I stay here in the breath in self-direction and self-certainty as who I am as life.
That's that.
The other thing is that I don't want to stop sexuality or masturbation completely. Instead I want to be able to use it in self expression as who I am as life, with no wants/desires, to enjoy myself and my body and my partners body the way it is. But I always, when alone or with my partner, get quckly pumped with sexual energy when it comes to touching my 'stick of wonders' and then I give in and want to finish it with an orgasm/ejaculation. Because if I don't I feel tense and agitated and my balls hurt and what not I mean it's a real mind system fuck up. I've tried with my partner a few times to have sex as proposed by Desteni, just touching and feeling each other with no kissing and penetration but in the end, it still all came down to sex. It's quite a retarded situation, because I know that I am responsible for boulding up the sexual energy but still I'm usually unable to stop and then I find it more practical to just finish the thing with an orgasm because then I'm fine and clear again, otherwise I stay even more mindfucked and physically uncomfortable. So to stop this cycle of sexual possession, I have to stop myself before I even start to build up the energy. I've been doing that for some time now and I am getting better at it.
Still sometimes I get the desire to be physical with myself and/or my partner and if she doesn't want to, I breathe and delete the thoughts that come up. Like: "We haven't had sex for a week, I want to get physical..." or "I don't want to just touch myself and jack off, you do that better ..." lol, separation. Then I usualy do nothing and go to sleep.
So I've been working on this self-intimacy thing when alone,' like touching and feeling myself and breathing (trying breath orgasm a bit) and it's pleasant and interesting but as ususal I just can't avoid my dick and when I start with that I also ejaculate. It's like 'why the hell not' situation. So I want to deal wi this thing and right now I don't exactly know how. I also have this unwanted experience when jacking off by hand because it's not comfortable like it is with sex. So today I had a thought/interest of buying a fleshlight, which imitates the real 'cave of wonders', to play with when my partner is not interested. And I don't know if I should. I mean, I can see the mindfuck starting point of wanting to jack off my dick in a hightech suphisticated and comfortable way lol but it's also practical because I want to get rid of that sexual energy possession/desire to ejaculate everytime I start touching my dick. So I would use it to practically get rid of the speciallness of the experience of putting my 'magic stick' into the 'cave of woders'. Seriously though, in the end, it's all an excuse to continue orgasmating and ejaculating and feeling good about it.
I'm sure some of you already found some way to sort this sexuality thing out, yes? Well please give some perspectives. I find it complicated, lol.

2010 - Sexual desire and pictures

A while ago I've noticed that I am only/mostly interested in talking to and going out with girls. I've realized that I still haven't dealt with my sexual mindfuck desire to experience sex with some other girl than Barbi which is the only one I had sex with. So by not wanting to face with that mindfuck I subconsciously tried to create opportunities for that mindfuck to play out. Connected to that mindfuck is also a picture of how that "perfect" woman should look like. Because according to my mindfuck, the woman that arouses me the most by the way she looks would also give me the best sexual pleasure/orgasm. LoL. Some time ago I was trying to figure out how did I construct such an image of a "perfect" woman in my head and then I realized that the base for it is a PC game character Alyx from Half Life 2. LoL. It's a picture of a picture of a picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by pictures and to compare pictures with each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by sexual energy experiences.