Day 43 - Directed by emotions and feelings

(My day 42 blog is in Slovenian.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into energies/feelings and chase them to get the experience. I realize that by doing so I give energies/feelings more value than Life itself where I separate myself from Life and abuse myself as Life. When and as I see myself giving into energies/feelings and wanting to chase them - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to immediately remove all desires for chasing energies/feelings and wants to experience them with self-forgiveness and self corrective application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the feeling of excitement/arousal when and as I see an 'attractive' woman. I realize and understand that with this I give more value to energy as excitement/arousal than Life and abuse myself as Life. When and as I see myself wanting to give into the excitement/arousal when and as I see an 'attractive' woman - I stop and breath. I commit myself to remove all desires/wants for excitement/arousal when and as I see an 'attractive' woman and not follow the energy but stand for Life and direct myself in common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for company/attention/comfort/acceptance from others. I realize I search for this as I do not give it to myself. When and as I see myself looking for company/attention/comfort/acceptance from others - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to immediately remove all points of searching for company/attention/comfort/acceptance from others with self-forgiveness and self-correction and by bringing myself here through breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself according to my feelings/emotions instead of common sense. I realize that with this I give energy as emotions/feelings more value than Life and so abuse Life. When and as I see myself making decision based on emotion/feelings - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not base my decisions on emotions/feelings and remove all such points/reactions through writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction and I commit myself to make direct myself and make decisions based on common sense and what is best for all Life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to commit to myself to stop all desires/wants/needs for chasing/experiencing energies as feelings and emotions. I realize and understand that whenever I allow myself to have emotions/feelings I separate myself from myself and all that is here as Life and abuse Life. When and as I see myself desiring/wishing/wanting to chase/experience energies as feelings/emotions - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to remove all desires/wants/needs for chasing/experiencing energies through writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-correction where I do not follow such desires/wants/needs but direct myself here in the breath to stand as Life and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please others in order to get them to like me and give me attention to validate myself through it. I realize that I do this because I do not give myself attention. When and as I see myself wanting to please others in order to get them to like me - I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to remove all wants/desires to please others with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and give attention to myself.

2012 - Opinions, beliefs, judgments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being self-honest with self and also with other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of self-judgment and other people's judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important what other people think, instead of realizing that thoughts, opinions and beliefs are not real and of no value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened when being self-honest with self or/and other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can get hurt when being self-honest with self and/or other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other people's judgments and blaming have something to do with me, with who I am, instead of realizing that judgments and blame are not real because they are all of the mind and are thus of no value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am responsible for other people's judgments and blame, instead of realizing that I am only responsible for my own and that I can not stop other people's judgments and blame, they have to stop them themselves and I can only show them how by example.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to control other people's judgments and blaming towards me so that they will think nice of me, instead of realizing that I cannot control others and what they think and that caring for such thing is a waste of time and energy because opinions, judgments, blame and beliefs are of the mind and are not real and therefore of no value whatsoever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'less than' when other people judge or blame me, instead of realizing that this is just a belief/perception I have created for myself be. When and as I see myself believing/perceiving myself as 'less than' when being judged or blamed by another - I stop and I breathe. I understand that there is no use of blaming and judging myself and that others judgments and blame towards me are point that they have to take responsibility for and stop and I can only help them by being an example.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be proud of myself and to believe that pride raises my value, instead of realizing that I am only trying to hide my feeling of 'less than' through pride where I search for points I can be proud of. I realize that this is a mind polarity game of trying to be 'more than' and avoiding the feeling of 'less than', instead of just stopping and being equal with all here. When and as I see myself allowing pride or the feeling of 'more than' or 'less than' - I stop, I breathe. Instead I realize the uselessness of these beliefs and feelings and I direct myself here in the breath as an equal.

2012 Moving in with Self Direction

I am now moving into the new apartment. I already moved a lot of the stuff and were there to clean and unpack a bit today. My roommate said she'll be moving in in the next month. Had some mixed feelings and emotions coming up while there and while driving. At times I was excited and happy because I never had 'my own' apartment before, at least not that big. I had a happy thought + feeling about it when I drove last day with Barbi from the apartment and I got a short sharp pain in my chest on the left bellow the heart which reminded me when Barbi and I were leaving the Desteni Farm and Bernard pointed out to Barbi that she has allowed some happy feelings and explained that this is where they manifest in the body. Today I was also excited at first to unpack and make it comfortable, but then I allowed myself to go into sadness of being alone and away from friends as this is the pattern I created form myself as a teenager. Basically I get scared of having no friends and no one to hang out with. Particularly I would not enjoy having no girls I like around me, lol. Another idea / desire of mine from the high school. I have always been around boys but not girls. Too shy, too scared and just too mind-fucked. I had no self-direction whatsoever. But I always dreamed about having a girl and how nice it will be and where I will take her and all the stuff. But when I actually had a chance to even talk to a girl I just couldn't do it. Too scared. Fuck, that was horrible and it's funny how I see now that I myself accepted and allowed myself to be like that. Blaming anyone else would just be dishonest towards myself. Desteni tools helped me allot! Sometimes when I look at myself now and how I was in high school for example, I am surprised that I actually managed to look normal to other people, because I was completely fucked in my head with fears and desires but also had no self-direction whatsoever. I laugh now but back then it was horrible. No one should be left like that, to torture self through one's own mind and the tools I learned in the Desteni'I'Process are top shit for getting self back to self here as Life in the physical. If I am able to correct myself than anyone else can too.

Talking about my feelings, emotions and apartment, it will be a cool experience for be and will speed up my process as I will be facing my mind-fucks as I explained above. Plus, my roommate is moving in with me and I find her dis-likable lately. So this will also be cool support from the perspective of learning to live together in common sense, not in love & light nonsense where people get together because of some 'special' feelings and sexual desires. We're slowly moving past that phase now and entering the self-direction area. One way traffic, not that you can't go back but nobody wants to, haha! Self-directive people that work together and do what is practically Best for All Life will make heaven on Earth. Are you in for it yet? Let's do this!

2010 - Dissolving relationship mindfucks

It is interesting how I allowed myself to be influenced through feelings and emotions by my partner. When I see that she is not feeling ok or that she has a mindfuck, it's like I get it too. Like yesterday we were talking on the phone and I noticed that she's got this voice tonality that she usually has when she's not ok with something. I asked her why and whats wrong and she said nothing and then that she just doesn't know why I'm calling her because we can talk on the internet and that we don't have anything specific to talk about anyway. So that was probably the cause but anyway, I still allowed myself to go into this emotion of "something is wrong", I need to find out and help her correct the problem. I see now that I still see her differently in a way because I care more how she is and also how she sees me. So basically I would like her not to think bad about me and that's relationship mindfuck mind control. Usually what I would do in that situation is that I would start thinking about what is wrong and firstly if I am the reason for it and then I would try to make things 'right'. But yesterday I didn't, now I stop myself and breathe through it and just work with what is here in common sense. I ask and if there is a problem I try to assist in common sense, otherwise I stop to bother and don't think about it at all. I'd say we mostly fuck up things the moment we start to think about them. It's all ego mindfucks. I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to go into my mind and thinking, instead I stay here in the breathe and deal only with what is here, common sense is all I need.

Writing this I felt a slight and short pain on the left middle side of my neck. Something defused? I know in general that pain appears when we write and do self-forgiveness which is indicating that we are in away effective with the process but I usually don't use it to assist myself with it specifically. I am going to be more aware of it and use it to assist myself from now on.

When I wrote the title for this post with the words "dissolving relationship" an emotion of fear/resistance/sadness came up. It was like "oh no I am loosing my relationship and I don't want that" kind of feeling when in fact I am just dissolving and deleting my imaginary mind constructs that are not real to begin with. It was hard for me in the beginning to deal with it but now I see that I am not loosing anything in fact, I am just removing the restrictions/ideas/mindfucks/illusions that fuck me up as my mind. And that is not loosing, that is allowing me as life back to me to be fully here, responsible and participating as equal as one, getting rid of limitation with which I imprisoned myself through my own mind.