Day 164 - Self-victimizing myself in relationships with others

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I have a repeating pattern where, whenever I see another being in a reaction towards me, I go into a reaction myself, where I become angry for how I experience myself in such moments. Basically I start victimizing myself as I perceive that another is forcing his/her energetic reactions onto me, but in self-honesty, I get angry because of the emotions that come up within me, that I then blame another for. That's how we usually operate, so that we would have to take self-responsibility for our emotions and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to emotionally react to my partner/another by feeling disrespected, ignored, abused and to so take it personally, when I see/perceive that he/she is in an emotional reaction that he/she is blaming me for. I realize that my emotions I create in such moments are completely my creation that I have accepted and allowed to create within myself and so I cannot blame my partner/another for feeling disrespected, ignored and abused. When and as I see myself feeling disrespected, ignored and abused when my partner/another emotionally reacts and blames me for it or wants me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to feel insulted, abused, ignored and that I do not have to take such moments personally, because it will be much better for me to apply self-aware breathing where I do not go into any emotional reactions. Therefore I commit myself to apply self-aware breathing and self-forgiveness on any emotional reactions of feeling disrespected, ignored and abused, scared and angry, whenever my partner/another is in an emotional reaction and blames me for it or wants me to change. I commit myself to not speak back in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into the reaction of fear whenever I see my partner/another emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself going into fear of my partner emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that the worst I can do it to react back from anger or any other emotion. I realize that I must focus on my own reactions and so I commit myself to state to another that I am focusing on my own reactions and patterns, so that I can remove them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I have allowed myself to define/see/perceive myself as a victim of the situation, when my partner/another is emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself victimizing myself and seeing/perceiving that I am being abused, ignored and disrespected because I feel fear, anger, disrespect - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one creating these emotions and that my partner/another is just using words that I then take personally and react to. Therefore I commit myself to always be aware of how I take/perceive the words of my partner/another and clearly state to myself that I react to them emotionally when I do, so that I can take responsibility for my reactions and apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and so from that point on direct myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within this self-victimization basically just reacting to words of my partner/another. When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to the words of my partner/another - I stop and breathe. I realize the absurdity of the situation, where I allow myself to get angry and blame another for how I feel, instead of immediately focusing on how I feel and react and so take self-responsibility. I commit myself to always look and watch out for any reactions that I might have towards the words that my partner/another is speaking and to immediately when I see a reaction, apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and to not speak out of a reaction.

Day 150 - Taking self-responsibility for my reactions towards my partner - II

Today I walked to the store with my partner and I looked towards the place where some of my friends used to work. In that moment my partner made a remark about it, that I saw or perceived as a deliberate spiteful remark from her part, because I know that she still reacts to those people in a negative way. In that moment I thought "she is being spiteful again, should I tell her or or not, will this make the reaction even bigger?" and while thinking this, I felt a bit offended by that fact that she was still being deliberate in the spiteful remarks and that the pattern is still there and in this I also started to blame my partner for being spiteful, for making the remark and for not taking self-responsibility for removing the pattern. After this we had an energetic quarrel for a minute, but I will be focusing with my Self Forgiveness on removing the above points where my reaction started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's remark, that I have seen / perceive as being spiteful, with taking it personally, feeling offended and being angry and to within that anger try to point out the pattern that my partner was participating in, instead of immediately bringing that point back to myself and seeing where am I also reacting to it and so firstly applying self-forgiveness on the point that I see within myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner's remarks with feeling offended, taking it personally and feeling angry and when I see a pattern within my partner and others - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have to always, when I see a point within my partner/another, take that point back to self and see where / how am I reacting to it. Therefore I commit myself to always bring the point that I see within another back to myself and see how I am reacting to it and to then apply self-forgiveness until I have no more reactions and to only then also see if I can support my partner in seeing the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control / manipulate my partner to stop the reaction that we are in by saying that I will end our agreement and that I don't need her to walk with me, while not seeing and realizing that I am within this blaming her for the reaction and not stopping myself within my own reaction. Thus being spiteful towards my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for the reactions between us, instead of removing all of my reactions and blame towards my partner. When and as I see myself blaming my partner for a reaction or trying to manipulate her and/or when I see myself wanting to use the argument of ending our agreement because of me reacting to her or her to me - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this reacting myself and being spiteful towards my partner, instead of removing all of my reactions, blame and spitefulness towards my partner. Therefore I commit myself to no more blame my partner for her reaction or for my reactions, instead I breathe, I check and make sure that I am without reactions by applying self-forgiveness and then only after the reactions between us are over I talk to my partner about the reaction so that we can direct the point and prevent the reaction from happening again.

Day 149 - Taking self-responsibility for reactions towards my partner

Today I had an argument with my partner where she blamed me, speaking in emotional reaction, for things that I did not do / participate in or where some of it was true and some of it not. I reacted to this by taking it personally, feeling offended and being angry about it and then I wanted to show her that she is participating in a spiteful pattern and then, I myself became spiteful and so obviously we just made an argument out of it, instead of me immediately stopping myself and starting writing out my own patterns. So the patterns that I observed I participated in:

- Taking it personally and feeling offended when my partner projects and blames me for things I did not do and for her own feelings.

- Not stopping and applying my own self-forgiveness, but being spiteful towards her where I wanted to show her how spiteful she is, when I felt offended, by me being spiteful back and making her feel bad.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and feel offended and inferior when I see / perceive that my partner blames me for something that I did not do / participate in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when my partner talks to me in reaction and when I feel offended about what my partner is talking about.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner as spiteful and rude whenever I see / perceive that she blames me for her own reactions and when she does not want to stop herself and take full self-responsibility for her reactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself and my own reaction of feeling offended, angry and taking it personally when I see / perceive that my partner blames me for her own reactions or things that I did not do / participate in. I realize that there is no excuse for me reacting in this way no matter what my partner says or does and that I have to take full responsibility for my own reactions. Therefore I commit myself to stop and breathe immediately as I realize that I am reacting to what my partner is saying or when I see that she is in a reaction, then I observe my reactions and apply self forgiveness out loud and/or start writing about my reactions as long as I am not completely clear. I also state that I have realized that my partner is in a reaction and that we will not talk as long as the reactions don't stop completely. IF my partner will insist in trying to talk, I will continue to do self forgiveness out loud and/or explain to her that I will leave and come back when there will be no more emotions and reactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful back towards my partner whenever I react to my partner with taking it personally and feeling offended and/or when I see that my partner is spiteful, thinking that I will show with this that what she is doing is not acceptable. I realize that I will only fuel the reaction further. Therefore I commit myself to stop and breathe, apply self-forgiveness and then explain to my partner the pattern that she is participating in and that I will not talk with her until she is reactive.

Day 147 - Reacting to my partner

I went for a walk with my partner and as we were talking, I saw from the voice of my partner that she hides some judgments towards me and to this I reacted by taking it personally, feeling offended and inferior. In that reaction I wanted to show my partner that she is reacting, but I could not do that effectively because I was also reacting myself and so we both fueled the argument for a while before we stopped. Thus I have to write more Self Forgiveness on the point of me reacting to my partner specifically when I see her having judgments towards me. What I see in this is that when I sense judgment / energetic reaction in my partner's voice, I then think about what that is and in this I come up with my own judgments that I have towards myself and so project and believe that this is what my partner thinks and so I take it personally, because I believe my own judgments towards me being inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's voice with self-judgment, blame and anger when I realized that she is speaking from a point of emotional judgmental reaction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self-judgment when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and believe that I have to defend my equal status when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me. I realize that I am reacting to my partner by judging myself and believing that since my partner is judging me, this means that I have done something wrong and am now inferior and have to defend myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner and her reactions with my own reactions of inferiority and the feeling of being offended - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to no more participate in the reaction / emotion of feeling offended when my partner judges me or is angry with me, instead I make sure that I am clear and the I assist my partner with her pattern / reaction of judgment / anger by showing her with my own example how we can remove all the reactions and apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to defend myself in any kind of an argument. I realize that whenever I feel like I should defend myself, this is the point of ego where my mind actually tries to defend itself and exist as it is and not change or remove the pattern. I realize that when I am aware here in the breath with no ego / mind, there is no need for me to defend anything through words because words can only be used to defend one's mind patterns / ego, but nothing physical. Thus whenever I see / realize that I am trying to defend something through words - I stop and breathe. I take notice and realize that I went into a point of ego and that I am trying to defend a mind pattern. Thus I commit myself to in such moment look at what in my mind I am trying to defend and so apply Self Forgiveness on the point and remove the pattern that I believe in and so try to keep as a part of my ego, because I know and understand that I only limit myself with such patterns.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self judgment when and as I see / realize that I have been participating in an abusive energetic mind pattern, like watching women from the point of desire for sexual arousal. I realize and understand that there is no need for me to go into self judgment or feeling inferior, even when I speak about my patterns with my partner or others and even if/when my partner / another is judgmental towards the pattern that she/he sees in me, because this reactions will never help or change anything. In fact, such reactions are another protective mechanism of the mind where then one focuses one's attention towards this reaction / judgment and makes a big deal out of it, instead of just looking at self in self-honesty and seeing where one works the same way and so removing the pattern, or simply assist another without any judgments / reactions, with one's own practical examples of change, so that another can come to a realization quicker and see how one can change self in a way that is best for all.

Day 134 - Self-responsibility towards my reactions and those of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not consider my partners' reactions and to instead fear them and with this not direct the point in a way that is acceptable for all where I take full responsibility for my intentions and actions and show others that we all have to do this in order to direct and co-create this reality the way that is best for all of us. When and as I see myself fearing my partner's/another's reactions - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must take self-responsibility to stop the fear and direct the whole situation where I do everything I can to stand as an example of how to be open, transparent and direct myself and others in a way that is acceptable and supportive for all. I commit myself to no longer fear the reactions of others and to immediately apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breathe with common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to avoid the topic of my reactions or my partner's reactions whenever I realize / see a point that needs direction. When and as I see myself avoiding the point of a reaction that came up in me or between me and my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that if I do not direct the reaction in that moment, to firstly apply self-forgiveness for my reactions and then talk with my partner and direct the situation to a mutual understanding and agreement that supports all, then the reaction will come back the next time and be worse. Therefore I commit myself to direct every reaction within myself and between me and my partner immediately.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for reactions that come up within me and between ourselves. When and as I see myself blaming my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must take full responsibility for all my reactions that come up within myself the same as my partner has to and I realize that I must always stand as an example in taking self-responsibility for my reactions because this is the only way that I will be able to stop the abusive cycle of spitefulness, justifications and blame. Therefore I commit myself to not have any expectations towards my partner taking self-responsibility and helping me with this because this is only an excuse for me to not take full self-responsibility immediately and stop all reactions and abuse and direct myself in breath and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my partner is making fun of me and about what I am doing in trying to bring me down and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and be superior towards my partner and try to blame her and find faults in her so that I would feel better and superior myself. When and as I see myself feeling inferior or trying to feel superior towards my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must be humble to see in self-honesty what I am doing and to be able to talk/support myself and my partner in a way that is best for all. I commit myself to be aware of the need for humbleness and to practice humbleness whenever I talk with my partner to be a point of support for myself and my partner.

Day 90 - A moment with myself

My previous blog is in Slovene.

I haven't written a blog for a long time. But now I finally have a moment to be with myself. My partner went to a vacation so I am with myself and I enjoy it. I realized that I take my partner as a constant bourdain, because I have so many resistances and reactions coming up while she is around me. I feel like I am being forced and controlled. This has to come from the beginning when we moved together into this apartment, when I just moved away from my previous girlfriend and so I still had desires towards her and my current partner always lived in paranoia of me wanting to go back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being controlled and forced by my partner when she is around me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created this feelings around my partner when I was afraid that she will leave me if I don't act/behave according to her expectations.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this feelings of resistance and inferiority that I created within myself when being around her.

When and as I see myself going into resistance, fear, inferiority when I am around my partner - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to go into the feeling of resistance, fear, inferiority when I am around my partner, instead I state that I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled by these reactions/emotions and I direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is the cause of my fear, inferiority and resistance.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the cause of the fear, inferiority and resistance when I am around my partner as I have created these energies.

When and as I see myself seeing myself reacting to my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am creating these reactions and so I commit myself to clearly state that I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by these reactions, instead I breathe and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner has an influence on me that is bad for me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can be grateful for the points that come up around my partner as I can so easily see where I still have not faced a point and directed it in breath as myself as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification of 'my partner is a bad influence on me' to avoid facing my reactions and blaming my partner for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my reactions.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that my partner is a bad influence on me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only be influenced as much as I accept and allow and no more. Therefore I commit myself to no more think/believe that my partner is a bad influence on me and I stop avoiding facing self-responsibility on how I accept and allow myself to be influenced by others. I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for my reactions around my partner and others and I commit myself to focus on myself and my reactions around my partner and others and remove them until I can stand clear in the breathe around my partner and not react to her or others and direct myself in the breathe according to what is best for all.

Day 50 - Hiding behind friendships

I can see how I have built my relationships with friends, partners and others based on fear of survival and fear of being alone, the last actually being fear of having to face myself alone and take complete self-responsibility for myself. People do that all the time, we start to define those who we build relationships with as special and more important than other people because we gain or fulfill a particular self-interest through them, like getting validation, feeling of safety or some other positive feeling that we create for ourselves when we are with our 'special' friends in order to compensate for our negative emotions and experiences that we create for ourselves when we perceive ourselves as lonely and feel sad, depressed, helpless, unwanted... Within this we give away our self-responsibility to take care of ourselves and be happy and fulfilled when we are with ourselves alone and so we constantly seek company/friends to hide from ourselves while in their company and so as we seek to be accepted from them, we allow the abuse and ignorance that is happening among friends, where all more or less just look for validation from each other and a positive feeling/experience through talking with each other, supporting each others self-interested personalities and ignoring the fact that we all have to actually practically change ourselves and work together in order to create a system that is Best for All, such as the Equal Money Capitalism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to know what my ex-partner and friends are doing and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as an excuse to be able to meet them. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to know what my ex-partner and friends are doing - I stop and I breathe. I realize that within giving into these desires I give into fears of being alone and being completely self-responsible and also into fear of not being able to get positive feelings of comfort/safety/validation/being part of a group. I commit myself to not accept and allow the desires/wishes/wants of knowing what my ex-partner and friends are doing and to also find and remove all points with which I trigger these reactions in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeing a picture or remembering my ex-partner and friends to immediately react with fear of loneliness and with sadness and to within this wish/want/desire to visit them and be with them in order to try and compensate for the negative emotions I just created with positive emotions I would create within myself when I would meet them. When and as I see myself seeing a picture or remembering my ex-partner and friends - I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself am responsible for creating these fears and desires within myself that I experience as negative and then go into sadness, loneliness and seek compensation, instead of not allowing myself to create these energetic polarities within myself in the first place. I commit myself to no more create and go into fear and feelings of loneliness and sadness and then desire to meet my ex-partner and friends whenever I see a picture of her/them or remember her/them, instead I direct myself in breath and state: "No, I will not accept and allow myself to experience fear, loneliness or sadness in relation to my ex-partner and friends as this is not who I am and not who and how I want to be and exist/experience myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be popular/desired/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends so that I would have help and support when I need it and to within this give into my fear of being alone and completely self-responsible to take care for myself. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to be popular/desires/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am giving into the fear of taking complete self responsibility for myself and so I commit myself to stop all fears of taking complete self-responsibility for myself and taking care for myself and to stop all wishes/wants/desires to be popular/desired/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends as I with this only support my belief that I um unable to take care of myself and be happy with myself without others, which is just an energetic illusion of thoughts/feelings that I created in myself and so I commit myself to not accept and allow these fears self-responsibility and desires for friends to exist within myself as this is not who I really am or how I want to be/exist and experience myself.

Day 49 - Perceiving friends/family as special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/perceive my parents, friends, ex-partner, partner as my family and in this define them as special and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel positive/safe/secure/like home/like I belong to something/like I am a part of something when I am with the people I define/perceive as my family/friends and on the other side I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel negative/unsafe/insecure/like I am alone and not part of anything when I am with people that I do not define/perceive as my family/friends. I realize that as I define only some people as my family/friends and see them as more than others I create this polarity within myself where I experience myself positively when being with them and negatively when I am not with them and so only seek to be with 'friends' to get the positive experience and within this fear of losing this experience if I am not able to be with them. I commit myself to no longer define/perceive my parents, friends, ex-partner, partner as my family and/or special people and to immediately remove all definitions/perceptions of seeing people differently through writing/self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath to stand/interact with all people equally the way I would like to be treated according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in/give value to reactions of thoughts/emotions within myself of thinking/believing that my parents/friends/ex-partner/partner are special people to which I belong and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be with them in order to compensate my negative emotions of loneliness/fear of being self-responsible/sadness when I am not with them. I commit myself to not think/believe/perceive that there are special people in this world to whom I belong to which I call my family/friends and to not give value to any reactions of feeling lonely/alone/like I do not belong/sad or to any desires/wishes/wants to be with those whom I define special/as friends/family and to remove all such reactions through writing/self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within the realization that all that is here is a part of a family which I belong to in oneness and equality and so it is pointless and an illusion of the mind to define any person/part of this existence as special/more than/less than any other person/part of this existence as this only creates separation, where I feel positive when with people/parts of existence that I define/perceive special/more than and negative when I am not with people/parts of existence that I define/perceive as not special.

Day 48 - Relationships

My 'Day 47' blog post is in Slovene.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to meet/talk to my friends and people I know out of fear that I will lose the help/attention/validation/consolation from them if I do not and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that they will start to resent me. I realize that I fear not being in contact with my friends and people I know because I am afraid of being with myself alone and taking complete self responsibility for myself and so I use my friends and people I know to run away from myself and try to get comfort, safety, help and support from them, instead of giving this to myself. When and as I see myself wanting to meet with friends and people I know out of a wish/want/desire to get attention/validation/comfort/safety/help and support, instead of writing out my fears/desires and applying self-forgiveness and self-correction - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to remove all wishes/wants/desires to run away from myself by meeting/talking to my friends and people I know in order to get comfort from them, by applying self-forgiveness and directing myself in breath and not allowing fears/emotions to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and to blame myself for how I behaved in my relationship with my ex-girlfriend and because of this believe that I owe to support her and also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to redeem myself by helping/meeting with/talking with her whenever she asks me to and also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to do her favors in order to ensure myself help/attention/validation from her in the future in case if I need it. I realize that I am with this trying to get the feeling of safety through using others instead of taking complete responsibility for myself, also I realize that when I interact and build my relationships with others out of fear/emotions/desires, I only consider myself and my self interest and so I create/allow abuse, therefore I commit myself to write out and self-forgive all points where I interact with my ex-girlfriend or others out of fear/emotions/self-interest and direct myself in breath to create relationships based on common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and to feel controlled/limited whenever my partner reacts to the point of me talking/meeting with my ex-girlfriend and/or prohibits me to talk/meet with her or any other of my friends or people I know. I realize and understand that I react with anger and feeling of control because I believe that I have the right to talk to/meet with whomever I want while not considering the point that my partner reacts this way because she doesn't trust me that I will stand and not fall for my emotions/feelings, which is a consequence of me doing this in the past. I realize that me reacting to this and the fact that my partner does not trust me will not change anything and that I cannot make or convince anyone to trust me. Therefore I commit myself to walk my process of self-correction and stand through time in common sense and what is best for all by not allowing myself to be directed by my emotions/feelings and so stabilize myself to always be here in the breath and so my surroundings will also become more stable.

Commitment and agreement with myself and my partner

I am writing this commitment as an agreement with myself to walk the process of birthing myself as Life and aligning myself to what is best for all, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, together with Hilda as my partner and to not allow any back-doors that would break this agreement with myself and my partner.
When and as I see myself looking for back-doors to not stand by my agreement with myself and my partner - I stop and breath. I commit myself to immediately remove all points of looking for back-doors with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to make an agreement with my partner because I fear that the past will repeat itself and out of fear that my partner will want to control me. When and as I see myself fearing of my partner wanting to have control over me - I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that this fear comes from the fear of not being able to live out the energies of having sex with other women. I commit myself to remove all wishes/wants/desire of having sex with other women with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be with my ex-partner and to allow this point to exist as a backdoor within and as myself. I realize that with this I compromise myself by trying to avoid taking complete self-responsibility for myself and my agreements/commitments. When and as I see myself looking for back-doors in order to not follow my commitments/agreements - I stop and breathe. I immediately apply self-forgiveness and self-correction through breathing and directing myself according to my agreements and commitments to myself and my partner.

I commit myself to openly discuss any points/reactions that come up within myself or my partner and not hide them and or be judgmental about them.

Day 39 - Allowing myself not to be anxious, sad and in fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use X as a place of safety and relief, instead of realizing that I am my own relief and safety and that I only blind myself from the fact that no one and nothing outside of myself can be/give me safety/relief/happiness as I can only give this to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have no partner/sex available in the future and that I will be alone. I realize that I do not need others in order to be safe and enjoy myself. When and as I see myself going into fear of having no partner/sex in the future - I stop and breathe. Instead I realize that I always have myself here in the breath and that this is all I need to enjoy myself because my fears that I create are not real and thus I allow myself to stop creating fears and negative emotions in relation to having no partner/sex and being alone in the future.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the fear of having no partner/sex and being alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop defining the situation of having no partner/sex and being alone as sad, bad, meaningless, pointless, depressing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself being alone/having no partner/sex. I realize that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know myself, be with myself and learn to be self-sufficient, self-directive and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the fear of not meeting X again and ever having sex with X again have control over me. I realize that I must not let this fear to have control over me as I will with this enslave myself into this fear and diminish myself. I realize that this fear is not real and so I breathe, stop myself and do not accept and allow this fear of not meeting/having sex with X again to have control over me and/or direct me in any way.

I realize that I can stop all my fears because the fear I create is not me as who I really am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can simply stop creating fear with breathing and not participating in the mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to do my homework if I stay at X's place and don't go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot concentrate and be effective and do my homework if I stay at X's place and don't go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the resistance to do the homework at X's place will be/is too strong for me to do my homework and that this resistance will go away when I am at my place.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the fear of failure when I am having trouble with homework or something that I have to do. I realize that I am creating this fear because I do not take self-responsibility to do what it takes to be successful and finish what I have to do. When and as I see myself going into fear of failure - I stop and breathe. Instead I allow myself to stop the fear and direct myself here in the breath and find the solution to solve the problem and do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop creating resistances towards doing homework or studying.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop searching for distractions in environment with which I could justify my emotions/resistances and so not take self-responsibility to stop this emotions/resistances and focus on the tasks that I have to do. When and as I see myself searching/looking for distractions and justifications for my emotions/resistances when I have to do my tasks - I stop and breath. Instead I remain here in the breath and direct myself to do the tasks while being aware that I can simply stop all fears/resistances/emotions through breathing and knowing that I am with every breath allowing myself to simply be here and not create any fears/resistances/emotions.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad, depressed and anxious if I am home alone and there is no-one I could talk to. I realize that I hide myself from these feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety when I want to talk to others so that I would not have to face them and take self-responsibility for them. When and as I see myself getting sad, depressed and anxious I simply allow myself to stop manifesting these emotions through breathing and enjoy myself here in the breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety when I am home alone and/or have no-one to talk to.

I forgive myself NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not need other people in order to make the feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety go away as with this I only hide myself from the fact that I create them. Thus I realize that I do not need them and I allow myself to stop them with breathing and I allow myself to not recreate them as I know that creating and identifying myself with these feelings is pointless.

Day 26 - Relationship points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attached to my partner and give her a special place in my mind where I attach/connect with her all the good/positive memories that I experienced with her. I realize that this special memories are not real and were never mine as they can be lost and deleted at any time and so I fear losing what I never really had. When and as I see myself fearing to loose the special memories and definitions of my partner - I stop and I breathe. Instead I bring myself here in the breath and apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application on whatever comes up that I am still hanging onto and fear losing.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if I remove the special definitions of my partner and become self-directive and self-sufficient, instead of realizing that I actually fear being here with myself in self-direction and making myself self-sufficient and self-responsible. When and as I see myself fearing what will happen if I remove the special definitions of/attachments to my partner - I stop and I breathe. Instead I realize: I will become self-directive, self-sufficient, self-responsible and have self-trust to stand as one and equal and not fear losing anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memories of me and my partner and define them as positive and special instead of being here in the breath and deleting all and any memories that come up in the mind. I realize that if I do not stop and delete this memories and my special attachments/definitions of them I will only get emotional and fear losing them or wish having them and fuck myself into eternity by cycling through them. When and as I see myself holding onto the memories of me and my partner - I stop and I breathe. Instead I apply self-forgiveness and self-correction and be here in the breath and don't compromise myself with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the wish/desire to be with my partner again and have a special relationship with her, instead of realizing that I am just fearing to delete and remove all my special attachments to her. When and as I see myself holding onto the wish/desire to be with my partner again and have a special relationship with her - I stop and I breathe. Instead I do the self-forgiveness statements and self correction to stop the desire/wish and be here in the breath as self-sufficient.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner fulfills me. I realize that with this I allow myself to be flawed and dependent. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that my partner fulfills me - I stop and I breathe. Instead I fulfill myself alone and stand as self-sufficient, self-fulfilling being and I commit myself to expand myself wherever I see I am still flawed and dependent on others to fulfill me.

Day 23 - Relationship points: lostness, safety, security, comfortableness

Lostness & Decisions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for/wait for an outside source to give me direction, instead of making a decision in self-honesty and practical common sense and live it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can be lost instead of realizing that I am always here and cannot lose myself here in the breath.

Safety and Security

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner with safety, instead of creating and standing as my own safety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define safety as always having someone to help me, instead of me helping myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my partner/others to take care of things that I forgot about or think/believe I don’t like/want to do, instead of me taking complete self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect safety with money and how much I have and to go into fear when I lose money and happiness when I get money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for safety in my partner by trying to hide and protect myself through my partner, instead of taking complete self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from myself and try to hide from facing myself through relationship with my partner and or by distracting myself otherwise, instead of taking complete self-responsibility and facing myself in self-honesty no matter where or who I am with or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of the future whenever I am not with her/my partner and/or when I am alone and have no partner and am not in a relationship/agreement, instead of remaining here in the breath and trusting myself to take care of myself no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when I am with her/my partner/in a relationship and to feel threatened/unstable/vulnerable when am alone, instead of standing and trusting myself  to always take care of myself and be safe and secure.

Comfortableness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable with her/my partner than I do with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/see/perceive touching her/my partner as something different/more special than touching anyone else, instead of realizing that any touch is just a touch in the physical and that no touch is ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ because all touch is equal.

Day 19 - Relationship points: aloneness

How do I experience aloneness?
I define aloneness as not having a girl (partner) to live with. When alone I desire to have/be with my partner that would understand me, accept me and enjoy being with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/wish/want to be in a relationship/agreement with a partner who would understand me/accept me and enjoy being with me, instead of realizing that I have to understand me through self-honesty, that I have to accept me as life an enjoy myself here in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be in an agreement/relationship with her out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/connect aloneness with sadness, failure, depression, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aloneness as not having a girl/partner to live with. I realize that I am alone all the time because the presence of someone else that is with me does not change or define me as who I actually really am here in the physical, because I only imagine aloneness/togetherness in my mind where I define this aloneness/togetherness through polarity and separation which is all an illusion because in actuality we always stand alone and yet we are together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aloneness as the opposite polarity of togetherness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed, sad, anxious and go into fear whenever I think of being alone, not being in a relationship/agreement with her or anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be in a relationship/agreement with her/anyone out of fear of survival and not having enough money.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I am able to get/have enough money to survive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need her/my partner/others in order to survive and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I am able to take care of myself no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be in an agreement/relationship with her out of fear of losing and not having any friends.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not need her/anyone to help me to get to know new people and have friends.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I don’t need friends/other people in order to stop feeling alone and accept me, understand me and enjoy myself here in the physical. I realize that I have created the emotions of aloneness, non-acceptance and non-understanding myself and so I stop these emotions and give me back to myself as life to be self-sufficient and self-fulfilling and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping/not being in a relationship with her and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect all the emotions/feelings to the memories of being with her and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect and define myself according to this memories/feelings/emotions that I have about her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stop defining myself through the memories/feelings about her, thinking that I will lose myself and who I am, instead of realizing that I will not lose myself but only free myself from the self-enslavement/limitation I created for myself by defining myself through these memories/feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define her as something ‘more than’ just because I have more memories and good feelings attached to her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at people according to my memories about them instead of simply being here and accepting everyone equally.

I commit myself to stop defining aloneness/togetherness as a polarity within me where being alone is bad/sad and being together is good/happy/fun.

I commit myself to stand alone and yet together with all that is here as one as equal and be self-sufficient and self-fulfilling.

I commit myself to investigate and remove all ideas/beliefs that I am not self-sufficient and self-fulfilling and I commit myself to always enjoy myself here in the breath no matter what and direct myself within common sense and towards what is best for all.

Day 16 - Worrying about my partner and fear of loss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and think about how my partner feels when I am not with her, where I imagine my partner being sad and so creating the sadness within myself where I feel sorry for my partner, instead of simply stopping myself and being here in the breath. I realize that with this I compromise myself. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to worry and think about how my partner feels when I am not with her, where I imagine my partner being sad and so creating the sadness within myself - I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath and do not go into imagination and emotions but stabilize myself here in the physical through breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a desire to call my partner to see how she is because I wish/want/desire to make her happy and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition my happiness with the happiness of my partner, instead of realizing that I am myself responsible for how I feel and that happiness is an energetic feeling that is the opposite polarity of sadness where if I do not stop participating in this energy, I will constantly exist/abuse myself within the happiness/sadness polarity, instead of being simply here within the breath in the physical. When and as I see myself conditioning my feelings with the feelings of my partner and going into a desire to call my partner to see how she is because I wish/want/desire to make her happy - I stop and I breathe. Instead I bring myself back here into the physical and do not accept and allow myself to be moved by energetic feelings/emotion/desires but instead apply common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge/define myself as the cause of another's/my partner's feelings/emotions and to feel guilty. I realize that each one is self-responsible to stop one's own emotions and feelings. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to judge/define myself as the cause of another's/my partner's feelings/emotions and to feel guilty - I stop and I breathe. Instead I bring myself here and breathe and use self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to stop all self-judgment and direct myself within common sense and what is practically best for all.

I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to subdue myself to fear and act out of fear of loosing the relationship with my partner/another that was an illusion in my mind anyway and I commit myself to stick to what is common sense and practically best for all.

I commit myself to investigate and remove all my attachments and fears towards my partner/others and take complete self-responsibility for myself so that I can stand within practical common sense and what is best for all and actually create practical agreements that are based on what is practically best for all and not on fear and self-limitation.

I commit myself to not hold myself inside the stupidity loops of fear and self-limitation but expand myself through self-forgiveness and self-correction whenever I see myself limiting myself with fears/emotions/feelings/beliefs.

I commit myself to stand as an example that relationships based on fear and self-limitation are just an illusion of the mind that we can remove with self-forgiveness and self-correction and replace them with actual supportive agreements that are based on common sense and what is practically best for all.

Day 15 - Partner comfort/safety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and look for comfort within my partner instead of being comfortable with myself. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring comfort from my partner - I stop and I breathe. Instead I make myself comfortable here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for safety and safe future within my partner and my partners family. I realize that by planning and counting on my partner for safety and safe/comfortable future I abdicate my self-responsibility to take care for my own safety/comfort. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to look for safety and safe future within my partner and my partners family - I stop and I breathe. Instead I look at where do I still don't take complete self-responsibility for myself and I commit myself to take self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am unable to take care of myself and my own safety/comfort. I realize that I compromise myself with irrational fears and beliefs. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am unable to take care of myself and my own safety/comfort - I stop and I breathe. Instead I stop my thoughts/beliefs/fears with breath and bring myself here and take self-responsibility for my own safety/comfort where I direct myself in common sense and self-trust and stand equal and one with safety and comfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking complete self-responsibility for myself by stopping to rely/count on others/my partner to take care of me. I realize that I compromise/limit myself and others by not taking responsibility for myself. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to fear taking complete self-responsibility for myself I stop and I breathe. Instead I bring myself back here with breath and I commit myself to direct myself and take self-responsibility within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on others to guide me/show me what to do/show me what is common sense/best for all and how to decide, instead of being self-honest with self and clearing myself from any reactions and making my decisions according to what is best for all as for me and standing by my decision. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to rely on others to guide me/show me what to do/show me what is common sense/best for all and how to decide - I stop and breathe. Instead I commit myself to clear myself from reactions/fears and make my decisions according to common sense and what is practically best for all as for me and stand by my decision.

2012 - Sexual expression

We all have ideas about sex, like how should it be/look like and who to have it with etc. with which we limit ourselves through feelings/emotions and self-judgments. We define ourselves through it and place special value to it as if it is something supernatural and mystical while in fact it is just another way to express self in the physical, like playing a sport or massaging someone etc., the only big problem is that we allow ourselves to become completely possessed by sexual energies and desires where we become complete robots trying to get the energetic release instead of simply being here without all the self-created energies and expressing self in self-direction with another. If we express ourselves within sex without any judgments, anticipations, desires etc., we simply enjoy ourselves in the physical with another and that's all there is to it. Because self-honestly, seeing sex only as putting ones dick into someones vagina and getting an orgasm is self-abuse and self-limitation through ones own created desires/addictions to sexual energies. Sex in self-expression can be so much more, a real expression of self as life here, with no judgments/desires/anticipations. I've started to remove the layers of my preprogrammed mind patterns through which I limited myself within sex and sexual expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to associate/define/value myself with/through my partner/the person I had sex with, instead of realizing that having sex does not define me as who I am as life here in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'easy'/'less than' for having sex with someone I don't have special feelings/attraction towards.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having sex with someone I don't have special feelings/attraction towards is wrong/inappropriate/shameful/stupid and to judge myself for it, instead of realizing that I am establishing a point of self direction where I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled by my energetic desires and beliefs of love/attraction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of other people judging me/rejecting me because I had sex with someone I have no attraction/special feelings towards, instead of realizing that other people's reactions do not define me because they just represent their reactions which they haven't dealt with yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a person who I have/had sex with is/should be special and 'more than' others'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed to tell other people who I have/had sex with and to fear that others will reject me because of their judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of premature ejaculation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and blame myself as 'less than' if I don't last as long as someone else would.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that women wish for sex to last long.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive slow penetration as better/more passionate than fast penetration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sex as a passionate act, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a definition of passion onto physical touching another human being/male and within that make it more than other physical acts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of creating mindfucks and confusion within other people, if I dare to be honest with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my parents judgments and disapproval of the people that I have sex with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to present a presentable female to my parents and get their approval..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other people think about me. Whenever I see myself worrying about how other people perceive/see me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to influence myself through the eyes of others

2010 - Dissolving relationship mindfucks

It is interesting how I allowed myself to be influenced through feelings and emotions by my partner. When I see that she is not feeling ok or that she has a mindfuck, it's like I get it too. Like yesterday we were talking on the phone and I noticed that she's got this voice tonality that she usually has when she's not ok with something. I asked her why and whats wrong and she said nothing and then that she just doesn't know why I'm calling her because we can talk on the internet and that we don't have anything specific to talk about anyway. So that was probably the cause but anyway, I still allowed myself to go into this emotion of "something is wrong", I need to find out and help her correct the problem. I see now that I still see her differently in a way because I care more how she is and also how she sees me. So basically I would like her not to think bad about me and that's relationship mindfuck mind control. Usually what I would do in that situation is that I would start thinking about what is wrong and firstly if I am the reason for it and then I would try to make things 'right'. But yesterday I didn't, now I stop myself and breathe through it and just work with what is here in common sense. I ask and if there is a problem I try to assist in common sense, otherwise I stop to bother and don't think about it at all. I'd say we mostly fuck up things the moment we start to think about them. It's all ego mindfucks. I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to go into my mind and thinking, instead I stay here in the breathe and deal only with what is here, common sense is all I need.

Writing this I felt a slight and short pain on the left middle side of my neck. Something defused? I know in general that pain appears when we write and do self-forgiveness which is indicating that we are in away effective with the process but I usually don't use it to assist myself with it specifically. I am going to be more aware of it and use it to assist myself from now on.

When I wrote the title for this post with the words "dissolving relationship" an emotion of fear/resistance/sadness came up. It was like "oh no I am loosing my relationship and I don't want that" kind of feeling when in fact I am just dissolving and deleting my imaginary mind constructs that are not real to begin with. It was hard for me in the beginning to deal with it but now I see that I am not loosing anything in fact, I am just removing the restrictions/ideas/mindfucks/illusions that fuck me up as my mind. And that is not loosing, that is allowing me as life back to me to be fully here, responsible and participating as equal as one, getting rid of limitation with which I imprisoned myself through my own mind.