Day 266 - Fearing negative reactions from strangers

Today I'll look at the point I've noticed when I attended a tattoo convention for the first time not long ago. I don't know much about tattoos and I had some negative judgments and fears towards. Like, I don't quite understand why would someone want to have a long lasting tattoo, I think even if I had one I would probably not find it interesting anymore after a while, so why make it permanent? I also have concerns that the ink being used is toxic for the body and may cause discomfort or some serious illness later on. But I decided to give myself the opportunity to go to a local tattoo convention and see up close how getting a tattoo looks like and what I might find interesting about it that I didn't see before, but also to stop fearing people with lots of tattoos and stop judging them. I used to see them as more violent, criminal, dangerous, drug abusing. Even if most were inclined to be like this, I would be unnecessarily limiting myself by prejudging them and avoiding them, because I would not allow myself to really get to know each person with tattoos before I make any judgement about them. So this is the correction I am making. But what I noticed while being on the convention is something else:

While walking among the booths where tattoo artists were showing their art and some people got their tattoos made, I noticed I went into a fearful/shy character, where I did not feel relaxed and rather avoided speaking to the artists and asking them questions, because I felt like I know so little about the art of tattoo making that whatever I would ask or say, I would look stupid and everyone would know that I am a "noob", someone who doesn't know anything about it. I made myself feel inferior and ashamed by simply allowing a few such thoughts to come up in my mind, which cause me to change my behavior and so, because of fear, become very limited in my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking with tattoo artists and ask them questions because I feared being see as a noob and judged inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior and feel ashamed when I think/perceive that I am a noob who knows nothing about a topic and by doing so, limit myself to not speak and not ask questions and try to shy away, so that nobody would notice that I don't know anything. When and as I see myself avoiding speaking with tattoo artists/people because of judging myself as inferior and feeling ashamed when I think/perceive that I am a noob who know nothing about tattoos/a topic - I stop and breathe. I realize that we are all nescient or ignorant about every topic at some point and that we decide to get to know some things sooner and some later, while other the other way around. So there is no need to judge myself and/or others as inferior for being noobs at something, because I am with this only limiting myself and preventing me from getting to know more about the topic or limit others when judging them as inferior because I give them reasons to feel inferior themselves and so shy away instead of exploring and asking questions. Thus I commit myself to not judge myself as inferior when I notice that I am a noob at something, instead I direct myself to talk with people, ask questions, explore and accept myself as someone who doesn't know and is still learning, without judgement, even if others react to me with superiority, laughter, etc., as I realize and understand that such their reactions only show who they really are and which issues/judgement they have with/within themselves for looking down on someone who knows/understands less than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and compensate when I know less than someone else by trying to appear smarter than I am through making statements as if I have some idea about what I am talking about, instead of simply admitting to myself that I don't know and so ask questions from this perspective, without trying to hide the fact that I know nothing about the topic I am asking about. Thus I commit myself to admit to myself that I am a noob when I see that I don't know enough or have enough experience to give any definitive statements about a topic and so accept myself as someone who knows nothing or less than others, while still understanding and being aware that this does not make me inferior to others or diminished in any way. Thus there is no point in judging myself as inferior or letting myself feel inferior when others look down on me when I know nothing or less than them about a topic, instead I gift myself the opportunity to ask questions and learn more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fearful/inferior character when I approach/meet a group of people that I see/perceive as in some way being different than me, because I fear they know things I don't and so judge myself as inferior and feel ashamed if they see I don't know/understand something they do. When and as I see myself going into fearful/inferior character when I approach/meet a group of people that I see/perceive as in some way being different than me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I will always meet people who know something I don't and are in some way different than me and that this does not mean that I am in any way inferior to them. Thus it makes no sense for me to keep judging myself as inferior to them as I understand that even if someone knows very little about anything, he/she is still an equal living being with an equal value than someone who knows a lot and has a lot of experience. Thus I commit myself to approach/meet groups of people that I see/perceive as in some way being different than me with awareness and understanding that no matter what one knows or does, I am still equal to them, because all living beings are equal in value. I also remember that my added value is in understanding the mind and the tools for self help better than most people and that I am able to help others see things about themselves and how to help themselves be who they want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a self-doubting character when I meet a group of strangers that I would like to develop a supportive relationship with, as if the fact that they behave/think differently in some way invalidates how I behave/think where I then go into self-doubt, instead of accepting myself as I am/what I think in the moment without judgement and then evaluate how others behave/think and see if I can in some way improve myself by learning to do something others already do more effectively than me. Thus I commit myself to be aware that it is most supporting for me to completely accept myself as who I am in the moment when I meet a group of strangers that I would like to develop a supportive relationship with as with this, I allow myself to be self-confident and self-directive, while at the same time being aware of how others act/think, so that I can see when they are more effective than me at something and then learn from them how to improve myself or correct my beliefs that are not aligned with reality.

Day 260 - Comparing myself with business men

Bellow I share a specific point/memory I wrote out to correct my thinking and behavior from (self)abuse to self-support.




--> Comparing myself with business men
-->--> I am watching a movie where there are greedy business men
-->-->--> One business man was very handsome looking but corrupt and greedy
-->-->-->--> I think: he’s got a Ken-like face, I am uglier in comparison
-->-->-->-->--> I wish I was better looking so that girls would want me more
-->-->-->-->-->--> I hate how some good looking men or business men are greedy and haughty
-->-->-->-->-->-->--> They abuse women for their amusement
-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I would not do that, neither would I fuck people over for personal gain
-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> Maybe I’m not as handsome, but I’m a better guy than people like him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/judge/define people who are/look like business men as greedy, based on their appearance, and within this judge them as bad, inferior. When and as I see myself seeing/judging/defining people who are/look like business men as greedy, based on their appearance, and within this judge them as bad, inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am projecting my judgements about greed, where I become angry, but this is useless and unnecessary. This I commit myself to not judge greed and bad/negative and to not connect/project onto people who I see/perceive as business men as greedy and so bad/inferior. Instead I see them as the living beings, brought up and preprogramed like everyone else, push myself to understand the reasons of their thinking and support them in seeing common sense and becoming their best potential.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my face to a business men/actor's face and judge mine as uglier. When and as I see myself comparing my face to another's and judge one as inferior/superior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am creating a competition/judgment where I want to win and not feel bad about myself, instead of stopping the comparison itself. Thus I commit myself to not compare my face to another's and judge one as superior/inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think "I wish I was better looking so that girls would want me more" and within this create a belief that I don't look good enough, as well as desire towards girls. When and as I see myself thinking "I wish I was better looking so that girls would want me more" - I stop and breathe. I realize that I can stop judging and comparing myself/my looks and that I can live and give to myself what I believe girls would give me. Thus I commit myself to not judge compare myself/my looks as not good enough/inferior to other men and express/give to me and others what I think girls would give me and within this stop desiring girls.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge some people/businessmen as greedy and haughty and be angry and hateful towards them. When and as I see myself judging a person/businessmen or women as greedy and haughty - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am projecting my judgment of the words/act of greed and haughtiness as bad, inferior and that me getting angry / hateful about it is useless. Thus I commit myself to no judge the acts of greed and haughtiness as bad/inferior and people who I see/perceive are like that as inferior and instead of getting angry / hateful towards them, I look at what is the cause for such behaviour in me or another and support me/another to live a better solution.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate people who abuse others, especially women and children and see them as inferior to me. When and as I see myself hating people who abuse others - women and children - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that such judgments are useless as with this I only create hate and separation within me towards others. Thus I commit myself to not judge/be hateful towards people who abuse(d) others, instead I look at why they are acting in this way and support them to see common sense and reach their full potential as living beings.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel better/superior by finding reasons why someone else is inferior to me, like thinking that I am a better person when I think someone is more handsome. When and as I see myself looking for reasons why someone else is inferior to me, like thinking that I am a better person when I think someone is more handsome - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am in a loop of judging others and comparing myself to them where I then feel superior and hate others, which is useless. Thus I commit myself to no more look for reasons why I am superior to another when I feel/think like I am inferior to another. Instead I realize that I am not inferior to anyone and that judging/comparing myself to other men to see who is more handsome is not necessary / supportive for anyone.

Day 254 - Reacting to blame - 2 - Solutions

Continuing on the point from the previous blog, I will apply self-forgiveness to remove the automatic reactions and give myself direction through solutions for each point that we be supportive for me and the other person.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured and agitated when P was talking about me with an emotional tone I perceived as blame and anger. When and as I see myself feeling pressured and agitated when someone speaks to me/talks about me in an emotional tone like blame and anger - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I started to judge myself and feel ashamed, pressured, where I fear that I will lose my portrayed image and self belief that I am a good man that hasn't done anything wrong. And thus I go into defensive mode where I blame another for feeling inferior and fearing that I will 'lose' if I admit that I was selfish and/or not acting in the best way. Instead of continuing the pattern, I commit myself to focus on not creating self-judgment and fear of losing my image/perception of being a 'good person'.

I see here I have to redefine what I see as a 'good person'.

I have been perceiving a 'good person' as someone who always does best for all, is never selfish and doesn't make mistakes. So if someone show you that you are selfish in some point, this would make you a bad person. This is the basic polarity I created within the goo/bad person construct, where I then wish to bi a good person and fear not being seen as a good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the polarity of a good/bad person, where I would wish to be a good person and fear being a bad person. When and as I see myself wishing to be good and fearing of being a bad person - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I trapped myself in a polarity construct where I mostly fear I will be in some way exposed as a bad person. Thus I commit myself to no more define/judge a good person as someone perfect that always does best for all and a bad person as someone that is selfish and does not do what is best for all. When someone show me a point that was selfish, I do not judge myself as a bad person and don't go into fear, instead I understand that I am walking a process of seeing where I am being selfish and how I can correct and align myself with what is best for all and the most effective way to do this is to no judge myself but instead be thankful when someone show me something I didn't (want to) notice about myself and take the opportunity to note the point and commit to change it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like injustice is being done to me when I see/perceive someone blaming/accusing me of something that I see/perceive is not valid.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, insulted and angry when I see/perceive that someone has wrongly blamed/accused me of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire to react to wrongly being accused/blamed for something by defending my perceive image as a good person by proving -that I am being wrongly accused/blamed.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop and breathe when I see that another is reacting emotionally with anger and blame and accusing me of something and by this giving me the opportunity not to react back with emotions. When and as I see someone else speaking with emotion, blaming and accusing me of something - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I can only support myself and another when I don't react back with emotions which I can only do if I don't take the blame/accusations personally, if I don't start to judge myself, feel inferior and fear that I will lose my image as a 'good person'. Thus I commit myself to stop and breathe and do not react with fear of losing my image of a 'good person' when someone is reacting and speaking to me with blame and judgment as I understand that there is no such thing as a good/bad person, there are just acceptable and unacceptable actions people do. Instead I accept the point someone is making and put myself in another shoes so that I can through understanding of another's reaction support another to calm down and then look at the point and what the solution is.

Day 253 - Reacting to blame - 1

Previous blog is in Slovene.

Today I found myself reacting to another person P, while P was talking to me with an emotional tone with blame and anger. While I was reflecting on what P was saying, P started to demand that I answer a question that was emotionally manipulative in nature and in this moment I started to become increasingly agitated and then angered. I stayed quite as I didn't know what to say to calm down the situation. I created a dilemma for myself as I did not want to simply accept the accusations from P as valid as they were not because they were made out of an emotional perception and judgment. On the other hand I did not want to directly oppose P as I saw some points could be valid and thus I would not be honest, nor would I help to calm down the situation by denying it all. As I didn't see an effective direction for myself I remained quite and this only caused P to react more, where then I also reacted with feeling more pressured, where I then started to blame P for this pressure and became angry. As I wanted to tell P to stop pressuring me I used an example from P's past, trying to show the consequence that can happen when you pressure someone, but as I was not clear when talking, I made P react even more. Thus we had an argument again that lasted around an hour before the energies stopped and I removed myself from P for a while. This show me that I am still not directing myself effectively in situation where I get accused or blamed, especially when I see/perceive the blaming to not be valid.

I will look more into problems and solutions in the next blog.

Day 251 - Expressiveness

I have been looking at expressiveness and how experience myself often as holding back my expression. Here are the self-forgiveness points I wrote out:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being expressive as positive and within this desire to be more expressive and feel negative when I see myself as not expressive enough. When and as I see myself defining being expressive as positive and desire to be more expressive and feel negative when I see myself as not expressive enough – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have created an unnecessary polarity by defining the word expressive as positive. Thus I commit myself to not define the word expressive as positive anymore and to not create desire to be more expressive, instead I understand that everything is an expression and so I can rather look at where I see I am not expressing what I could because I hold myself back.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to my expression with negativity, non-acceptance, mockery, rejection, negative judgment. When and as I see myself fearing that others will react to my expression with negativity, non-acceptance, mockery, rejection, negative judgment – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to take such reaction personally as they are just projection/reactions of others and who they are and not me and who I am. I realize and understand that fearing negative reactions to my expression is pointless as it does not help me or protect me in any way. Thus I commit myself to not fear negative reaction to my expression from others, instead I take them simply as feedback that I can use to improve myself in relation to the goals I want to achieve.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool out of myself where no one will take me seriously anymore and see me as their equal. When and as I see myself fearing that I will make a fool out of myself where no one will take me seriously anymore and see me as their equal – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when someone wants to perceive me as a fool, that is his/hers projection of his/her own judgments that are just that and nothing more. I realize and understand that if someone does not want to see and accept me as his/her equal, no matter what I said or did, this is as well the projection of his/her own judgments and separation of superiority/inferiority that he/she has not dealt with yet and so, I am for him/her just a mirror of his/her own inner conflict. I realize that it is useless for me to wish/want from others to take me as their equal, because I cannot control others. I can only make sure that I always see myself equal to others and others equal to me as Life, no matter what they say or do. Thus I commit myself to stop fearing that I will make a fool out of myself and that others will not take me seriously and see me as their equal, instead I commit myself to never separate from others by seeing/defining/judging them as fools or by not taking them seriously or by thinking that I am more/less than them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression with other’s expression to see who is more expressive. When and as I see myself comparing my expression with others – I stop and breathe. I realize that this is pointless as the only consequence of it is the idea of superiority/inferiority of one’s expression in relation to another’s. Thus I commit myself to not compare my expression with others; instead I look at how I can express myself in new ways and where I am not expressing fully because of fears.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of other people who I see/perceive to be more expressive and relaxed than me. When and as I see myself becoming jealous of other people who I see/perceive to be more expressive and relaxed than me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that being jealous is pointless as I will not help myself with it. Instead I commit myself to look at the cause of my holding back/fearing expressing what I wanted and letting go of the fears by self-forgiveness and expressing myself without fears.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my nervousness/fears around strangers by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear. When and as I see myself justifying my nervousness/fears around strangers by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am simply not allowing myself to be completely self-honest and accept the real reasons/causes for my fears/nervousness towards strangers for the moment, so that I can let them go with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself to no more accept the justification that I don’t know how to not be nervous/fear when I am around strangers, instead I make sure that I allow myself to be completely self-honest and accept the causes/reasons/sources of my fears and nervousness towards strangers for the moment and let them go with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I am not/don’t know how to be expressive around strangers when I see others how they talk with strangers with no hesitation/difficulty. When and as I see myself taking it as a confirmation that I am not/don’t know how to be expressive around strangers when I see them talk to stranger without hesitation/difficulty – I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not help myself by confirming to myself that I am not expressive through judgmental comparison. Thus I commit myself to rather instead look at the source/cause of my fears/nervousness/hesitation towards speaking to a stranger and let them go with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by going into frustration and powerlessness in relation to holding myself back/fearing of expressing myself more, especially around strangers. When and as I see myself sabotaging myself by going into frustration and powerlessness in relation to holding myself back/fearing of expressing myself more, especially around strangers – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I will not help myself by going/staying in the experience of frustration and powerlessness. This I commit myself to not sabotage myself by going into frustration and powerlessness when I see/perceive I hold back my expression, instead I look at the cause/source of my fears and let them go with self-forgiveness.

Day 249 - The Funny Guy

Previous blog is in Slovene.

These are the self-forgiveness statements I wrote when looking at removing my desire to be the funny guy:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being funny as positive and not being funny as a negative personal trait. When and as I see myself defining/perceiving being funny as positive and not being funny as negative personal trait – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am participating in a polarity definition of funny that I use to judge myself and others. Thus I commit myself to stop perceiving being funny as a positive personality train and not funny as negative.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be funny, so that people would like me. When and as I see myself desiring to be funny so that others would like me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that only I can like myself. Thus I commit myself to stop desiring to be liked by others and focus on simply me expressing in the physical moment when I am with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool out of myself and not be liked by others, because I will not be funny but just stupid. When and as I see myself that I fear I will make a fool out of myself and not be like by others – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that not being liked by others is nothing to fear, as well as making a fool out of myself, because others will always have their own judgments about what is smart and what stupid, what they like and what they don’t. Thus I commit myself to not fear not being liked or making a fool out of myself, because I don’t have to judge myself as a fool and others will always think whatever they want to, no matter what I do or say. Thus fearing that this will happen is useless and will not help me or change anything.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide that I have to become funny and use the funny character to make others laugh so that they would like me. When and as I see myself deciding to use the funny character so that others would like me – I stop and breathe. I realize that only I can like myself and so I commit myself to not look for attention and likeness in others, but give it to myself and then share that with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I make others laugh and feel more and superior and to feel bad and inferior when I don’t make others laugh and when others don’t think that I can make them laugh or that what I say/do is funny. When and as I see myself feeling superior when others see me as funny and inferior when they don’t – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am judging myself based on how funny others perceive I am, instead of me expressing myself without judgment. Thus I commit myself to no more decide/wish/want to make others laugh and feel superior when I do and inferior when I don’t.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of another when he became funnier than me and took the attention away from me. When and as I see myself becoming jealous of another when he/she is funnier than me and taking attention away from me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am jealous because I am looking for attention to feel better and superior. Thus I commit myself to give myself the attention to remove the need for attention from others and stop being jealous.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a competition out of trying to be funnier than others to get more attention and be more likable. When and as I see myself competing with others in trying to be funnier – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am looking for attention, instead of giving it to myself so that I can stop the need for getting attention and being liked. I commit myself to no more compete with others in who is funnier and to instead express myself in the moment without judging and comparing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire of wanting to be funny by thinking that if I am funny, I will get attention and people will like me as they do others. Instead of realizing that I don’t give myself the attention that I think others should and that I can give myself the attention as well as others. When and as I see myself justifying my desire to be funny by thinking that only this way I will be liked – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that only I can like myself and so I commit myself to accept myself without judgment and be the same to others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I am/will only be liked when I am funny when I try to be funny and others don’t find me interesting.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by constantly fearing that I will make a fool out of myself and consequently trying to be funny and likeable to others. When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be liked by other and that I will make a fool out of myself – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that not being liked by others is nothing to fear, as well as making a fool out of myself, because others will always have their own judgments about what is smart and what stupid, what they like and what they don’t. Thus I commit myself to not fear not being liked or making a fool out of myself by the opinion of others, because I don’t have to judge myself as a fool and others will always think whatever they want to, no matter what I do or say. Thus fearing that this will happen is useless and will not help me or change anything. Instead I can listen to other’s suggestion of how I can improve myself and/or consider other’s perspectives.

Day 188 - Reactions to stealing and law

I will be writing on the point of law abidance and my judgments towards people who do not abide the laws and/or who steal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to others when I abide the law and they don't. When and as I see myself defining/perceiving myself as superior when I abide the law and others don't - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have defined abiding the law as a good thing and so not abiding the law as something bad, shameful, unacceptable where I have in this made myself superior to others, but also would feel inferior if I would break the law. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not make myself feel superior/inferior, based on the idea of abiding the law or not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with fear, spitefulness and superiority towards the saleswoman when my partner told me that she deliberately charged her a product that she didn't buy in order to get more money.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge people who steal, do not abide the law and/or are abusive and selfish, as inferior to me. When and as I see myself judging people who I see/perceive are stealing, not abiding the law and/or are abusive and selfish, as inferior to myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am creating the separation of superiority/inferiority, where I am only considering my self-interest in wanting to feel superior, instead of taking into consideration all the factors and conditions that we all accepted and allowed within this world where stealing and breaking the law is sometimes actually necessary for people to even survive and where we are thought by example that only caring about self-interest is normal and a part of human "nature". Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not judge as inferior those who steal, do not abide the law and/or are abusive and selfish, instead I make sure that I explore and understand the causes of why these things happen and the I look at what is the best solution and stand as an example where I support others, as I would like to be supported in their place, in showing the how we can/must take self-responsibility for changing ourselves and the world in a way where stealing and breaking the law will not be required in order to have a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the fact that something was stolen from my partner because I perceived this as losing something valuable. When and as I see myself fearing of losing money and/or something valuable - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when something can be taken away from me this means I really had it and so it is pointless to create the fear of losing it as this will certainly happen. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not create the fear of losing money and/or something that I perceive as valuable that can be taken away because I understand that I never really had it in the first place.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with spitefulness towards the saleswoman who stole something because I judged her as evil and inferior because she took away something without permission. When and as I see myself reacting with spitefulness towards someone who stole something - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am judging the person for doing something without the consent of another where I then make myself feel superior and justify it with the statement that doing so is abusive and unacceptable, instead of putting myself into the shoes of others and taking into consideration all the factors/conditions that brought another into a position where he/she would steal or do something without permission. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not react with spite to others and judge them as evil when I see/perceive that they stole something or did something without permission of another, instead I put myself into the shoes of others and stand as an example of how we must take self-responsibility for ourselves and the world in order to create a society where stealing will not be necessary and where we will all consider what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define following the law as just and fair where I would then feel superior to other who I would see/perceive as not following the law. When and as I see myself making myself feel superior to those I see/perceive are not following the law - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that laws in this world are corrupted and written in a way where some get more "justice" than others based on how much money they have and so it is all based on selfishness. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not define/perceive following the law as just and fair and then make myself superior to those I see/perceive are not following the law as I understand that most of the laws are based on selfishness and so must be rewritten in a way that is best for all, where following the law will actually grand to all a Dignified Life.

Day 164 - Self-victimizing myself in relationships with others

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I have a repeating pattern where, whenever I see another being in a reaction towards me, I go into a reaction myself, where I become angry for how I experience myself in such moments. Basically I start victimizing myself as I perceive that another is forcing his/her energetic reactions onto me, but in self-honesty, I get angry because of the emotions that come up within me, that I then blame another for. That's how we usually operate, so that we would have to take self-responsibility for our emotions and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to emotionally react to my partner/another by feeling disrespected, ignored, abused and to so take it personally, when I see/perceive that he/she is in an emotional reaction that he/she is blaming me for. I realize that my emotions I create in such moments are completely my creation that I have accepted and allowed to create within myself and so I cannot blame my partner/another for feeling disrespected, ignored and abused. When and as I see myself feeling disrespected, ignored and abused when my partner/another emotionally reacts and blames me for it or wants me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to feel insulted, abused, ignored and that I do not have to take such moments personally, because it will be much better for me to apply self-aware breathing where I do not go into any emotional reactions. Therefore I commit myself to apply self-aware breathing and self-forgiveness on any emotional reactions of feeling disrespected, ignored and abused, scared and angry, whenever my partner/another is in an emotional reaction and blames me for it or wants me to change. I commit myself to not speak back in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into the reaction of fear whenever I see my partner/another emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself going into fear of my partner emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that the worst I can do it to react back from anger or any other emotion. I realize that I must focus on my own reactions and so I commit myself to state to another that I am focusing on my own reactions and patterns, so that I can remove them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I have allowed myself to define/see/perceive myself as a victim of the situation, when my partner/another is emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself victimizing myself and seeing/perceiving that I am being abused, ignored and disrespected because I feel fear, anger, disrespect - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one creating these emotions and that my partner/another is just using words that I then take personally and react to. Therefore I commit myself to always be aware of how I take/perceive the words of my partner/another and clearly state to myself that I react to them emotionally when I do, so that I can take responsibility for my reactions and apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and so from that point on direct myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within this self-victimization basically just reacting to words of my partner/another. When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to the words of my partner/another - I stop and breathe. I realize the absurdity of the situation, where I allow myself to get angry and blame another for how I feel, instead of immediately focusing on how I feel and react and so take self-responsibility. I commit myself to always look and watch out for any reactions that I might have towards the words that my partner/another is speaking and to immediately when I see a reaction, apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and to not speak out of a reaction.

Day 150 - Taking self-responsibility for my reactions towards my partner - II

Today I walked to the store with my partner and I looked towards the place where some of my friends used to work. In that moment my partner made a remark about it, that I saw or perceived as a deliberate spiteful remark from her part, because I know that she still reacts to those people in a negative way. In that moment I thought "she is being spiteful again, should I tell her or or not, will this make the reaction even bigger?" and while thinking this, I felt a bit offended by that fact that she was still being deliberate in the spiteful remarks and that the pattern is still there and in this I also started to blame my partner for being spiteful, for making the remark and for not taking self-responsibility for removing the pattern. After this we had an energetic quarrel for a minute, but I will be focusing with my Self Forgiveness on removing the above points where my reaction started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's remark, that I have seen / perceive as being spiteful, with taking it personally, feeling offended and being angry and to within that anger try to point out the pattern that my partner was participating in, instead of immediately bringing that point back to myself and seeing where am I also reacting to it and so firstly applying self-forgiveness on the point that I see within myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner's remarks with feeling offended, taking it personally and feeling angry and when I see a pattern within my partner and others - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have to always, when I see a point within my partner/another, take that point back to self and see where / how am I reacting to it. Therefore I commit myself to always bring the point that I see within another back to myself and see how I am reacting to it and to then apply self-forgiveness until I have no more reactions and to only then also see if I can support my partner in seeing the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control / manipulate my partner to stop the reaction that we are in by saying that I will end our agreement and that I don't need her to walk with me, while not seeing and realizing that I am within this blaming her for the reaction and not stopping myself within my own reaction. Thus being spiteful towards my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for the reactions between us, instead of removing all of my reactions and blame towards my partner. When and as I see myself blaming my partner for a reaction or trying to manipulate her and/or when I see myself wanting to use the argument of ending our agreement because of me reacting to her or her to me - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this reacting myself and being spiteful towards my partner, instead of removing all of my reactions, blame and spitefulness towards my partner. Therefore I commit myself to no more blame my partner for her reaction or for my reactions, instead I breathe, I check and make sure that I am without reactions by applying self-forgiveness and then only after the reactions between us are over I talk to my partner about the reaction so that we can direct the point and prevent the reaction from happening again.

Day 147 - Reacting to my partner

I went for a walk with my partner and as we were talking, I saw from the voice of my partner that she hides some judgments towards me and to this I reacted by taking it personally, feeling offended and inferior. In that reaction I wanted to show my partner that she is reacting, but I could not do that effectively because I was also reacting myself and so we both fueled the argument for a while before we stopped. Thus I have to write more Self Forgiveness on the point of me reacting to my partner specifically when I see her having judgments towards me. What I see in this is that when I sense judgment / energetic reaction in my partner's voice, I then think about what that is and in this I come up with my own judgments that I have towards myself and so project and believe that this is what my partner thinks and so I take it personally, because I believe my own judgments towards me being inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's voice with self-judgment, blame and anger when I realized that she is speaking from a point of emotional judgmental reaction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self-judgment when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and believe that I have to defend my equal status when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me. I realize that I am reacting to my partner by judging myself and believing that since my partner is judging me, this means that I have done something wrong and am now inferior and have to defend myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner and her reactions with my own reactions of inferiority and the feeling of being offended - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to no more participate in the reaction / emotion of feeling offended when my partner judges me or is angry with me, instead I make sure that I am clear and the I assist my partner with her pattern / reaction of judgment / anger by showing her with my own example how we can remove all the reactions and apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to defend myself in any kind of an argument. I realize that whenever I feel like I should defend myself, this is the point of ego where my mind actually tries to defend itself and exist as it is and not change or remove the pattern. I realize that when I am aware here in the breath with no ego / mind, there is no need for me to defend anything through words because words can only be used to defend one's mind patterns / ego, but nothing physical. Thus whenever I see / realize that I am trying to defend something through words - I stop and breathe. I take notice and realize that I went into a point of ego and that I am trying to defend a mind pattern. Thus I commit myself to in such moment look at what in my mind I am trying to defend and so apply Self Forgiveness on the point and remove the pattern that I believe in and so try to keep as a part of my ego, because I know and understand that I only limit myself with such patterns.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self judgment when and as I see / realize that I have been participating in an abusive energetic mind pattern, like watching women from the point of desire for sexual arousal. I realize and understand that there is no need for me to go into self judgment or feeling inferior, even when I speak about my patterns with my partner or others and even if/when my partner / another is judgmental towards the pattern that she/he sees in me, because this reactions will never help or change anything. In fact, such reactions are another protective mechanism of the mind where then one focuses one's attention towards this reaction / judgment and makes a big deal out of it, instead of just looking at self in self-honesty and seeing where one works the same way and so removing the pattern, or simply assist another without any judgments / reactions, with one's own practical examples of change, so that another can come to a realization quicker and see how one can change self in a way that is best for all.