Day 49 - Perceiving friends/family as special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/perceive my parents, friends, ex-partner, partner as my family and in this define them as special and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel positive/safe/secure/like home/like I belong to something/like I am a part of something when I am with the people I define/perceive as my family/friends and on the other side I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel negative/unsafe/insecure/like I am alone and not part of anything when I am with people that I do not define/perceive as my family/friends. I realize that as I define only some people as my family/friends and see them as more than others I create this polarity within myself where I experience myself positively when being with them and negatively when I am not with them and so only seek to be with 'friends' to get the positive experience and within this fear of losing this experience if I am not able to be with them. I commit myself to no longer define/perceive my parents, friends, ex-partner, partner as my family and/or special people and to immediately remove all definitions/perceptions of seeing people differently through writing/self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath to stand/interact with all people equally the way I would like to be treated according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in/give value to reactions of thoughts/emotions within myself of thinking/believing that my parents/friends/ex-partner/partner are special people to which I belong and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be with them in order to compensate my negative emotions of loneliness/fear of being self-responsible/sadness when I am not with them. I commit myself to not think/believe/perceive that there are special people in this world to whom I belong to which I call my family/friends and to not give value to any reactions of feeling lonely/alone/like I do not belong/sad or to any desires/wishes/wants to be with those whom I define special/as friends/family and to remove all such reactions through writing/self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within the realization that all that is here is a part of a family which I belong to in oneness and equality and so it is pointless and an illusion of the mind to define any person/part of this existence as special/more than/less than any other person/part of this existence as this only creates separation, where I feel positive when with people/parts of existence that I define/perceive special/more than and negative when I am not with people/parts of existence that I define/perceive as not special.

2010 - Christ-mess mind controll

Before this mess of Christ started I explained to my mother what I think about it and that I don't support it. Of course she still wanted me to come home for that 'special' day so that we could be 'together' as a 'family'. And of course there had to be some presents. I said to her I don't need any but I knew she will give something anyway so I said she can bring something modest and useful like something to eat (peanuts), which she did. I didn't want to participate in making a Christ mess tree either but she's all emotional about it and my father also because it's an act that 'family' does together... So I helped just for the sake of my 'special family'. And then we had a feast. I ate until I was completely full and during that I thought about all the starving children and men and all the shit in the world that we accept and allow and I felt like shit. I mean, I want to be the one that does something about it and stops all this shit and all I do is more or less just think about it. I mostly don't compromise myself when it comes to standing for all Life equally towards others, but I do that a lot when it comes to my family and/or my partners family. Now why is that? Because of money and 'security' within this system of abuse. I don't have a job yet, I don't have a place to stay yet, I drive my partners car ... which she got from her parents and she's in a similar situation as well so we have to behave 'good' toward her parents too, to have a 'secure' place within the system. I try to stay away from my family but that mostly results in me being stuck with my partners family because I don't have a place to stay on my own yet. So that's how we are completely controlled by money. In some way or another. It's absurd. I have 3000 € on my bank account which I saved by not spending all of my scholarship and I'd like to give it all to Desteni and Equal Life Foundation but I don't because I'm fucked with my fear of not being able to get a diploma = get a job = have money to live in dignity. And then some still say we have the freedom of choice to do what we want in this system. Oh, for sure! Until it's about making money and surviving we have all the freedom we can get until they put you to jail because you didn't play 'nice'. And then some of you still actually believe that you are a 'good' human being playing 'nice' not doing anything wrong while stealing money from others because you deserve it. I mean, you work so hard don't you? How about those children digging around in toxic garbage waste for some shitty metal out of which our fancy gadgets are made of, for 1€ a day? Fuck them, right? I mean, we can't do anything about it because we like it too much to sit on our royal ass and eat Christ-mess dinners and decorate trees and give each others presents and 'love' our 'special family' because we just don't know what else to do, right? Well I and many others know exactly what to do, but that's not really the problem is it? It's the human ego, the human desire to be fucking special and have it all. And people say; well, that's just how we humans are. Preprogrammed, yes! Mind-controlled, yes! Unwilling to stand up for All Life as One as Equals. If you're like that, FUCK OFF! Don't get in my way! I'm not going to be like that, because I have the courage to stand up, because I'm not spiteful towards life, because I know I am responsible for the whole world just the same as everyone else and I'm willing to change. How dishonest does one have to be to say that what I am doing is 'too extreme' or 'too utopian'? Are you kidding me? I just gave you a real fucking world example of extreme abusive shit while we live in utopia! How dishonest can you get?!

I perfectly see the absolute need for an Equal Money System because that will change everything. That's all that needs to happen. And we have to make it work and it definitely will work, when the majority sees the need for it and supports it. When that happens, everything will change in a very short time and people will get a chance to actually start living for the first time without fear and survival. Who wouldn't like that? Even extremely rich people live in fear and survival all the time! Seriously, how blind must one be to not see this simple fact? When I get a job, I'll give everything I can to the Equal Life Foundation. That's the least I can do. I mean what kind of a human being would one be not to support an Equal Money System? Surely not kind! What does one state by disregarding the Equal Money System and a solution for a Dignified Life for All? That one's evil? What else do you call that, ignorance? Well ignorance is evil! If you like the world like it is right now, you're pure evil! You're not worthy of Life at all! Die well.

I am one vote for an Equal Money System! If you're not, get out of my way!

2010 - Fearing my father

I realized that I am afraid to speak to my father when he's drunk because I am afraid that I will make him angry and violent. When I was a kid he usually became violent when my mother talked with him. Mostly he just shouted and slammed doors but there was this one time when he grabbed my mother by her hair and held her for some time. I remember I got scared really bad and started crying. She tried to calm me down when he was still holding her and the way I see it now it seemed that the only reason why he didn't hit her was because I was there watching. Yeah, this is probably the major point about why I am scared of my father getting angry.

2010 - Points on Barbi and my father

Today (Wednesday) is the 3rd day of me living with my parents (again, since it's closer to where I work to get my mandatory practical education done) and apart from my agreement/girlfriend Barbi (she continues her studies in another town not too far away).

Yesterday I experienced some points of feeling a bit sad/empty because Barbi is not around which resulted in me thinking about how is she and what is she doing. I've noticed the mind pattern I was participating in pretty soon and started to breathe, focus on what is here and let it go. If it re-appears I just stop and breathe.

The other point is about my father. On Monday he came home late at about 10 p.m., expectedly drunk as most of the times. Maybe you've seen my vlog about me saying that I'll say to him that I won't talk to him anymore when he's drunk. I didn't do that yet because I didn't manage to calm down enough to stand in front of him in the breath as me here. When I talk to him when he's drunk it's like an energy storm inside of me and I get pumped with adrenalin so that if I pick up a glass to drink I feel my arm shaking. Fucking crazy. I realized that I have the wrong starting point when I speak with him. I come from a perspective of "I am in danger and must defend myself against psychological attacks at all costs" which I think results in the adrenalin and everything. I have already done some Self-Forgiveness so that next time I can come from the One and Equal starting point. I also decided that I will talk to him about not talking to him :) when he's drunk the next time he is sober to also eliminate my nervousness.

I'll also write a Mind Construct going through the time line of when he came home to map everything that was going on inside of my head and body and then write Self-Forgiveness.