Day 32 - Sexual Attraction to Pictures

Flat stomachs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as arousal and sexual excitement whenever I see a flat woman's stomach. When and as I see myself going into arousal and sexual excitement when I see a flat woman's stomach – I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself have defined the picture of a flat woman's stomach as sexual and arousing and so I myself am the one who is still accepting and allowing in that moment to get/be aroused and sexually excited, by having the picture of a flat woman's stomach as a trigger point. I commit myself to stop the addiction to sexual energetic excitement through picture stimulation such as the flat woman's stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the picture of a flat woman's stomach as an excuse and justification as why I am excited. When and as I see myself using/existing within and as the excuse of 'it is the picture of a flat woman's stomach that got me excited' – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one who is still accepting and allowing myself to become/be excited through the excuse/justification that it is a picture of a flat woman's stomach who got me excited. I commit myself to not user external points as an excuse of why I am excited/sexually aroused and why I am the way I am and to direct myself here in the breath to stop energetic addictions through perceived pictures such as a flat woman's stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the desire to touch a flat woman's stomach and get the experience of hitting a jackpot in the way where I would get what I always imagined/wanted/desired through thoughts in my mind. When and as I see myself existing within and as the desire to touch a flat woman's stomach – I stop and breathe. I realize that I exist within this desire as I have given this act of being able to touch a flat woman's stomach a higher value within my mind as a pattern through which I would/could experience the highest possible energetic sexual arousal and orgasm. I commit myself to stop searching/chasing the sexual energetic high/orgasm and stop the pattern of sexual addiction to energy and energetic arousal through pictures/imagination/thoughts and instead create a new pattern where I remain here in the breath and focus on the physical touch without any pictures/thoughts/wishes/desires.

Women figures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look and search for 'perfect' women figures whenever I am around women. When and as I see myself looking/searching for 'perfect' women figures – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am through this still accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the pattern of addiction to sexual energy arousal through pictures. I commit myself to stop looking/searching for ‘perfect’ pictures of women figures by being self-directive in the moment and not intentionally turning my head/eyes towards such pictures but remaining here in the breath, not accepting and allowing myself to be directed by such energies/desires.

Day 23 - Relationship points: lostness, safety, security, comfortableness

Lostness & Decisions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for/wait for an outside source to give me direction, instead of making a decision in self-honesty and practical common sense and live it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can be lost instead of realizing that I am always here and cannot lose myself here in the breath.

Safety and Security

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner with safety, instead of creating and standing as my own safety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define safety as always having someone to help me, instead of me helping myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my partner/others to take care of things that I forgot about or think/believe I don’t like/want to do, instead of me taking complete self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect safety with money and how much I have and to go into fear when I lose money and happiness when I get money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for safety in my partner by trying to hide and protect myself through my partner, instead of taking complete self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from myself and try to hide from facing myself through relationship with my partner and or by distracting myself otherwise, instead of taking complete self-responsibility and facing myself in self-honesty no matter where or who I am with or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of the future whenever I am not with her/my partner and/or when I am alone and have no partner and am not in a relationship/agreement, instead of remaining here in the breath and trusting myself to take care of myself no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when I am with her/my partner/in a relationship and to feel threatened/unstable/vulnerable when am alone, instead of standing and trusting myself  to always take care of myself and be safe and secure.

Comfortableness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable with her/my partner than I do with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/see/perceive touching her/my partner as something different/more special than touching anyone else, instead of realizing that any touch is just a touch in the physical and that no touch is ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ because all touch is equal.

2010 - Self-directed sexation and orgasmation?

So the first thing is that a week or so ago I failed after a few months of not watching porn because I watched it again to jack off. It was great, but, I am now even more certain, or should I say self motivated, not to do it again because I understand that by watching porn I accept and allow my sexual mind consciousenss system to control me and supress/possess me as who I am as life. And I don't want that at all! So instead of directing me here and stopping the sexual energy desire, I gave in and got possessed by it, wanting to experience the great energy build up and then the release through ejaculation, which aparently gives me the super-duper feeling of the orgasm. Afterwards I always feel relaxed, cheerful and motivated, but that's all mind system bullshit, because I am always responsible for how I feel and how I experience myself. I do not accept and allow myself to get possessed by sexual energy and desire, instead I stop and breathe and I direct myself here to clear all thoughts and energy movements/desires and I stay here in the breath in self-direction and self-certainty as who I am as life.
That's that.
The other thing is that I don't want to stop sexuality or masturbation completely. Instead I want to be able to use it in self expression as who I am as life, with no wants/desires, to enjoy myself and my body and my partners body the way it is. But I always, when alone or with my partner, get quckly pumped with sexual energy when it comes to touching my 'stick of wonders' and then I give in and want to finish it with an orgasm/ejaculation. Because if I don't I feel tense and agitated and my balls hurt and what not I mean it's a real mind system fuck up. I've tried with my partner a few times to have sex as proposed by Desteni, just touching and feeling each other with no kissing and penetration but in the end, it still all came down to sex. It's quite a retarded situation, because I know that I am responsible for boulding up the sexual energy but still I'm usually unable to stop and then I find it more practical to just finish the thing with an orgasm because then I'm fine and clear again, otherwise I stay even more mindfucked and physically uncomfortable. So to stop this cycle of sexual possession, I have to stop myself before I even start to build up the energy. I've been doing that for some time now and I am getting better at it.
Still sometimes I get the desire to be physical with myself and/or my partner and if she doesn't want to, I breathe and delete the thoughts that come up. Like: "We haven't had sex for a week, I want to get physical..." or "I don't want to just touch myself and jack off, you do that better ..." lol, separation. Then I usualy do nothing and go to sleep.
So I've been working on this self-intimacy thing when alone,' like touching and feeling myself and breathing (trying breath orgasm a bit) and it's pleasant and interesting but as ususal I just can't avoid my dick and when I start with that I also ejaculate. It's like 'why the hell not' situation. So I want to deal wi this thing and right now I don't exactly know how. I also have this unwanted experience when jacking off by hand because it's not comfortable like it is with sex. So today I had a thought/interest of buying a fleshlight, which imitates the real 'cave of wonders', to play with when my partner is not interested. And I don't know if I should. I mean, I can see the mindfuck starting point of wanting to jack off my dick in a hightech suphisticated and comfortable way lol but it's also practical because I want to get rid of that sexual energy possession/desire to ejaculate everytime I start touching my dick. So I would use it to practically get rid of the speciallness of the experience of putting my 'magic stick' into the 'cave of woders'. Seriously though, in the end, it's all an excuse to continue orgasmating and ejaculating and feeling good about it.
I'm sure some of you already found some way to sort this sexuality thing out, yes? Well please give some perspectives. I find it complicated, lol.

2010 - Avoiding physical touch

Lately Barbi and I decided to stop all little things that are based on and connected to the relationship we were/are in. Like kissing and other energy based actions. She is somewhat more willing/motivated to do this things because I still have a desire to hug/kiss/have sex for orgasm. I often still lose my self-direction in standing here with no mind or energy movement when I am with her. Usually I experience the point of "unfairness" and "inequality" when it comes to sex and other more intimate experiences because most of the people around me have/had more of it than I do. I see myself as "less then".
Also, when being with other women (meaning not with Barbi), I always try to avoid any physical contact because I still get this desire to be intimate with other girls and thus the contact from that point on would not be in equality but from self interest. So because of that I suppress all physical contact to avoid mindfucks and energy movements in me and in that way actually also keep them going because then the desire to be more physical with others comes up.
I was thinking that maybe the best way to deal with this point would be to do self-forgiveness aloud when in such a situation with someone that's willing to assist me in this way.