My Declaration of Principle: 14. Relationships as Agreements

The 14th principle I am committing myself to live by is the principle of Relationships as Agreements, meaning: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one.

What this means in practice is that I will not base my relationships with others on my emotions and feelings or other selfish - only what I want - impulses that I pop up within me from my mind-consciousness system. Instead, I will observe myself in self-honesty through the help of writing and make sure that how I create my relationships with others and what I base them on, is not only best for me, but equally best for the other person, where we can both help each other to expand as who we are as living beings. Not limit each other, like people do when they for example fall in love with someone and then make themselves believe that they cannot live without the other person - this is complete self-limitation and self-diminishment. To achieve this goal, I also have to remove all my emotional patterns that I have been experiencing and creating in the past, such as attraction, love, desire, envy, hate and any others with which I limited myself within my relationships with others.

Within this I also realize how everything that I see within other people is just a reflection of myself. If I hate or judge another, it is because I have created this pattern of thought towards that person within myself and so I am responsible to stop the pattern of hate and judgement, because I am diminishing and limiting both myself and the other person when I participate in it.
Also if I desire to be with another person it is because I see something within that person that I believe I do not have and am separate from, but the solution is not for me to seek for this in another person, instead I learn to give and gift it to myself by myself, because I am the one separating myself from it in the first place by starting to believe that I do not have what I see within another person.

As I take self-responsibility for myself as I described above, I will become my own best support as I always should be and so I will also be able to support others in the best possible way by being an example of how to change self and become a better human being that constantly expands the potential of not only self, but also helps others to do so, by learning and teaching how to be a self-directive human being that is not inferior to one's own emotions and feeling / mind-consciousness system.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

Day 134 - Self-responsibility towards my reactions and those of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not consider my partners' reactions and to instead fear them and with this not direct the point in a way that is acceptable for all where I take full responsibility for my intentions and actions and show others that we all have to do this in order to direct and co-create this reality the way that is best for all of us. When and as I see myself fearing my partner's/another's reactions - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must take self-responsibility to stop the fear and direct the whole situation where I do everything I can to stand as an example of how to be open, transparent and direct myself and others in a way that is acceptable and supportive for all. I commit myself to no longer fear the reactions of others and to immediately apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breathe with common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to avoid the topic of my reactions or my partner's reactions whenever I realize / see a point that needs direction. When and as I see myself avoiding the point of a reaction that came up in me or between me and my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that if I do not direct the reaction in that moment, to firstly apply self-forgiveness for my reactions and then talk with my partner and direct the situation to a mutual understanding and agreement that supports all, then the reaction will come back the next time and be worse. Therefore I commit myself to direct every reaction within myself and between me and my partner immediately.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for reactions that come up within me and between ourselves. When and as I see myself blaming my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must take full responsibility for all my reactions that come up within myself the same as my partner has to and I realize that I must always stand as an example in taking self-responsibility for my reactions because this is the only way that I will be able to stop the abusive cycle of spitefulness, justifications and blame. Therefore I commit myself to not have any expectations towards my partner taking self-responsibility and helping me with this because this is only an excuse for me to not take full self-responsibility immediately and stop all reactions and abuse and direct myself in breath and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my partner is making fun of me and about what I am doing in trying to bring me down and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and be superior towards my partner and try to blame her and find faults in her so that I would feel better and superior myself. When and as I see myself feeling inferior or trying to feel superior towards my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must be humble to see in self-honesty what I am doing and to be able to talk/support myself and my partner in a way that is best for all. I commit myself to be aware of the need for humbleness and to practice humbleness whenever I talk with my partner to be a point of support for myself and my partner.

Commitment and agreement with myself and my partner

I am writing this commitment as an agreement with myself to walk the process of birthing myself as Life and aligning myself to what is best for all, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, together with Hilda as my partner and to not allow any back-doors that would break this agreement with myself and my partner.
When and as I see myself looking for back-doors to not stand by my agreement with myself and my partner - I stop and breath. I commit myself to immediately remove all points of looking for back-doors with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to make an agreement with my partner because I fear that the past will repeat itself and out of fear that my partner will want to control me. When and as I see myself fearing of my partner wanting to have control over me - I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that this fear comes from the fear of not being able to live out the energies of having sex with other women. I commit myself to remove all wishes/wants/desire of having sex with other women with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be with my ex-partner and to allow this point to exist as a backdoor within and as myself. I realize that with this I compromise myself by trying to avoid taking complete self-responsibility for myself and my agreements/commitments. When and as I see myself looking for back-doors in order to not follow my commitments/agreements - I stop and breathe. I immediately apply self-forgiveness and self-correction through breathing and directing myself according to my agreements and commitments to myself and my partner.

I commit myself to openly discuss any points/reactions that come up within myself or my partner and not hide them and or be judgmental about them.

Day 23 - Relationship points: lostness, safety, security, comfortableness

Lostness & Decisions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for/wait for an outside source to give me direction, instead of making a decision in self-honesty and practical common sense and live it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can be lost instead of realizing that I am always here and cannot lose myself here in the breath.

Safety and Security

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner with safety, instead of creating and standing as my own safety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define safety as always having someone to help me, instead of me helping myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my partner/others to take care of things that I forgot about or think/believe I don’t like/want to do, instead of me taking complete self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect safety with money and how much I have and to go into fear when I lose money and happiness when I get money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for safety in my partner by trying to hide and protect myself through my partner, instead of taking complete self-responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from myself and try to hide from facing myself through relationship with my partner and or by distracting myself otherwise, instead of taking complete self-responsibility and facing myself in self-honesty no matter where or who I am with or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of the future whenever I am not with her/my partner and/or when I am alone and have no partner and am not in a relationship/agreement, instead of remaining here in the breath and trusting myself to take care of myself no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when I am with her/my partner/in a relationship and to feel threatened/unstable/vulnerable when am alone, instead of standing and trusting myself  to always take care of myself and be safe and secure.

Comfortableness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable with her/my partner than I do with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/see/perceive touching her/my partner as something different/more special than touching anyone else, instead of realizing that any touch is just a touch in the physical and that no touch is ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ because all touch is equal.

Day 21 - Relationship points: helplessness

How do I experience helplessness?
I don’t know how to do something and I perceive I have no one to ask for help and I fear that I will not be able to overcome what I am doing. I judge myself as incapable and feel ashamed, less than, unworthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into helplessness whenever I perceive myself as alone and/or don’t know what to do and in this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I am able to help myself or find help.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not know how to do something and have no one to ask for help. I realize that this fear is completely irrational and unnecessary. When and as I see myself fearing not knowing how to do something and having no one to ask for help – I stop and I breathe. Instead I direct myself here in the breath and see what I can do and how I can expand myself and learn something new.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge/see/perceive myself as less than when I don’t know (how to do) something. I realize that what one knows/can do does not define one’s value as who one is as Life. When and as I see myself judging/seeing/perceiving myself as less than when I don’t know (how to do) something – I stop and I breathe. Instead I direct myself in the breath as an equal and take such an opportunity to learn something new and expand myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to overcome what I am doing/what I have to do and fail and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word failure as something bad and define myself according to it whenever I don’t succeed, instead of realizing that failure always happen when doing things and/or learning something new where I can expand and perfect myself and learn to be more self-directive. When and as I see myself fearing not knowing what to do/failing/not being able to do something successfully – I stop ad I breathe. Instead I direct myself here in the breath and I commit myself to take such opportunities to learn and expand myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/see/perceive being alone and not knowing what to do as a shameful failure, instead of embracing it as an opportunity to expand myself and learn something new.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge/define myself as incapable of finding friends and feel ashamed, less than, sad and unworthy when I am alone, instead of taking the opportunity to be with myself and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define people who immediately know what to do as capable and others as incapable and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my skills/capabilities to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into inferiority when I see someone knowing something I don’t/knowing what to do when I don’t. I realize that I can never stand equal to others as long as I separate myself through comparing myself to others. When and as I see myself comparing myself and what I do/know to others – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stand here in the breath as an equal and direct myself in common sense without comparison.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/see/perceive people who are alone as unhappy. I realize that this is because I defined and connected aloneness with unhappiness within myself. When and as I see myself defining/connecting aloneness with unhappiness – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath.

I commit myself to not give into helplessness whenever I find myself alone or without help but instead take the opportunity to expand myself and learn something new.

Day 19 - Relationship points: aloneness

How do I experience aloneness?
I define aloneness as not having a girl (partner) to live with. When alone I desire to have/be with my partner that would understand me, accept me and enjoy being with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/wish/want to be in a relationship/agreement with a partner who would understand me/accept me and enjoy being with me, instead of realizing that I have to understand me through self-honesty, that I have to accept me as life an enjoy myself here in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be in an agreement/relationship with her out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/connect aloneness with sadness, failure, depression, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aloneness as not having a girl/partner to live with. I realize that I am alone all the time because the presence of someone else that is with me does not change or define me as who I actually really am here in the physical, because I only imagine aloneness/togetherness in my mind where I define this aloneness/togetherness through polarity and separation which is all an illusion because in actuality we always stand alone and yet we are together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aloneness as the opposite polarity of togetherness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed, sad, anxious and go into fear whenever I think of being alone, not being in a relationship/agreement with her or anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be in a relationship/agreement with her/anyone out of fear of survival and not having enough money.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I am able to get/have enough money to survive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need her/my partner/others in order to survive and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I am able to take care of myself no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be in an agreement/relationship with her out of fear of losing and not having any friends.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not need her/anyone to help me to get to know new people and have friends.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I don’t need friends/other people in order to stop feeling alone and accept me, understand me and enjoy myself here in the physical. I realize that I have created the emotions of aloneness, non-acceptance and non-understanding myself and so I stop these emotions and give me back to myself as life to be self-sufficient and self-fulfilling and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping/not being in a relationship with her and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect all the emotions/feelings to the memories of being with her and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect and define myself according to this memories/feelings/emotions that I have about her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stop defining myself through the memories/feelings about her, thinking that I will lose myself and who I am, instead of realizing that I will not lose myself but only free myself from the self-enslavement/limitation I created for myself by defining myself through these memories/feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define her as something ‘more than’ just because I have more memories and good feelings attached to her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at people according to my memories about them instead of simply being here and accepting everyone equally.

I commit myself to stop defining aloneness/togetherness as a polarity within me where being alone is bad/sad and being together is good/happy/fun.

I commit myself to stand alone and yet together with all that is here as one as equal and be self-sufficient and self-fulfilling.

I commit myself to investigate and remove all ideas/beliefs that I am not self-sufficient and self-fulfilling and I commit myself to always enjoy myself here in the breath no matter what and direct myself within common sense and towards what is best for all.

Day 16 - Worrying about my partner and fear of loss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and think about how my partner feels when I am not with her, where I imagine my partner being sad and so creating the sadness within myself where I feel sorry for my partner, instead of simply stopping myself and being here in the breath. I realize that with this I compromise myself. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to worry and think about how my partner feels when I am not with her, where I imagine my partner being sad and so creating the sadness within myself - I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath and do not go into imagination and emotions but stabilize myself here in the physical through breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a desire to call my partner to see how she is because I wish/want/desire to make her happy and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition my happiness with the happiness of my partner, instead of realizing that I am myself responsible for how I feel and that happiness is an energetic feeling that is the opposite polarity of sadness where if I do not stop participating in this energy, I will constantly exist/abuse myself within the happiness/sadness polarity, instead of being simply here within the breath in the physical. When and as I see myself conditioning my feelings with the feelings of my partner and going into a desire to call my partner to see how she is because I wish/want/desire to make her happy - I stop and I breathe. Instead I bring myself back here into the physical and do not accept and allow myself to be moved by energetic feelings/emotion/desires but instead apply common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge/define myself as the cause of another's/my partner's feelings/emotions and to feel guilty. I realize that each one is self-responsible to stop one's own emotions and feelings. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to judge/define myself as the cause of another's/my partner's feelings/emotions and to feel guilty - I stop and I breathe. Instead I bring myself here and breathe and use self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to stop all self-judgment and direct myself within common sense and what is practically best for all.

I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to subdue myself to fear and act out of fear of loosing the relationship with my partner/another that was an illusion in my mind anyway and I commit myself to stick to what is common sense and practically best for all.

I commit myself to investigate and remove all my attachments and fears towards my partner/others and take complete self-responsibility for myself so that I can stand within practical common sense and what is best for all and actually create practical agreements that are based on what is practically best for all and not on fear and self-limitation.

I commit myself to not hold myself inside the stupidity loops of fear and self-limitation but expand myself through self-forgiveness and self-correction whenever I see myself limiting myself with fears/emotions/feelings/beliefs.

I commit myself to stand as an example that relationships based on fear and self-limitation are just an illusion of the mind that we can remove with self-forgiveness and self-correction and replace them with actual supportive agreements that are based on common sense and what is practically best for all.

Day 1 - Clearing/re-evaluating my agreements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry/sad whenever I perceive/see someone trying to discredit me and manipulate others into thinking bad about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I have to defend myself whenever I see/perceive that other people gossip about me, instead of realizing that it is their responsibility to not deliberately discredit others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry/annoyed when one wants to manipulate me by judging me/blaming me/blackmailing me when I don't want to participate in the blaming game or do what another demands I should.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to explain to others 'my side of the story' because I fear that they will judge me based on the other people's judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when one wants to have sex with me and I decline even if I know that this is only based on desire/manipulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will gossip about me and try to discredit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for the manipulation point of guilt when one wants to manipulate me into making a decision according to their wishes/wants/desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when one says that I am not supporting equality just because I decline to live/have an agreement/have sex with someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and to blame myself for not making an agreement with X and not deciding to live with X, instead of realizing that my starting point was not clear from the beginning and that it couldn't stand because I wasn't clear about it from the very beginning.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that my relationship with X was based on manipulation/fear from the very beginning and so had to fall/end as the starting point was not equality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have allowed myself to compromise myself through fear and allowed myself to be manipulated in my relationships and so I must delete all old patterns and recreate my relationships, so that I can start from the beginning and create a clear starting point that I can stand as in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and admit to myself that I am not ready to make an agreement with X because I fear loosing my safety/security/comfort within the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and feel guilty because I didn't have a clear starting point from the very beginning of my relationship with X, so it had to fall as it could never stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to make an agreement with someone, instead of realizing that I have to make an effective agreement with self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop blaming me and feeling guilty for what I did by not having a clear starting point.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop blaming me for my mistakes, instead I forgive myself for what I did and I allow myself to have a clean start within my agreement with self.

2012 - Sexual expression

We all have ideas about sex, like how should it be/look like and who to have it with etc. with which we limit ourselves through feelings/emotions and self-judgments. We define ourselves through it and place special value to it as if it is something supernatural and mystical while in fact it is just another way to express self in the physical, like playing a sport or massaging someone etc., the only big problem is that we allow ourselves to become completely possessed by sexual energies and desires where we become complete robots trying to get the energetic release instead of simply being here without all the self-created energies and expressing self in self-direction with another. If we express ourselves within sex without any judgments, anticipations, desires etc., we simply enjoy ourselves in the physical with another and that's all there is to it. Because self-honestly, seeing sex only as putting ones dick into someones vagina and getting an orgasm is self-abuse and self-limitation through ones own created desires/addictions to sexual energies. Sex in self-expression can be so much more, a real expression of self as life here, with no judgments/desires/anticipations. I've started to remove the layers of my preprogrammed mind patterns through which I limited myself within sex and sexual expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to associate/define/value myself with/through my partner/the person I had sex with, instead of realizing that having sex does not define me as who I am as life here in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'easy'/'less than' for having sex with someone I don't have special feelings/attraction towards.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having sex with someone I don't have special feelings/attraction towards is wrong/inappropriate/shameful/stupid and to judge myself for it, instead of realizing that I am establishing a point of self direction where I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled by my energetic desires and beliefs of love/attraction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of other people judging me/rejecting me because I had sex with someone I have no attraction/special feelings towards, instead of realizing that other people's reactions do not define me because they just represent their reactions which they haven't dealt with yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a person who I have/had sex with is/should be special and 'more than' others'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed to tell other people who I have/had sex with and to fear that others will reject me because of their judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of premature ejaculation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and blame myself as 'less than' if I don't last as long as someone else would.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that women wish for sex to last long.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive slow penetration as better/more passionate than fast penetration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sex as a passionate act, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a definition of passion onto physical touching another human being/male and within that make it more than other physical acts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of creating mindfucks and confusion within other people, if I dare to be honest with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my parents judgments and disapproval of the people that I have sex with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to present a presentable female to my parents and get their approval..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other people think about me. Whenever I see myself worrying about how other people perceive/see me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to influence myself through the eyes of others

2012 - Dealing with my Relationships / Agreements

I'll share some points I've been dealing with since Barbi and I decided to stop and delete all and any relationship mind constructs that we still have towards each other. This means we're stopping the habits that we developed in our relationship and learn how to be supportive to each other like we would be to anyone else. We don't live together every day as she lives with her roommates in Maribor and I work in another city where my parents live so I stay there and go to Maribor every other day or so.

So as Barbi proposed to break up the relationship I was firstly scared and sad as I perceived the "breaking up" part from a system perspective where two partners go away and don't see each other anymore and don't want to talk to each other. But as we talked it through we agreed that we are doing this to support each other in breaking up the relationship habits and attachments to each other in order to be more self-directive and self-sufficient and that we will do it practically, meaning that we will still support each other where it is common sense and Best for All, for instance she owns a car and I don't, but I need it to drive to work and she doesn't, so she will still lend me her car, but we won't for example go to her home or my home together because we did that mostly because of the relationship attachment and not from a common sense perspective. Also we still sleep in the same bed together because it is practical but we don't hug or have sex in order to remove the attachments and habits. I'll be moving into my own apartment in the town I work next week, so then I'll mostly visit Barbi at the weekends.

So, some points that came up for me within this time:

At first I occasionally allowed myself to have thoughts about "the break up", where I experienced sadness when memories came up about how I see and define and remember my relationship with Barbi, because I experienced it like I won't have that anymore. I used breathing to bring myself here and to not think about it and what also helped was that I explained to myself that "breaking up" is only an idea that I have about loosing the relationship that I had with Barbi and that definitions and relations of it weren't real anyway as I imagined them in my head as ideas and perception about us, which have nothing to do with the physical reality. It is great that we do this as an agreement and talk to each other. This way we put out the mind-fucks we get and share them and we work through them and support each other. If I couldn't talk to her and write out the mind-fucks I would just perpetuate them in the mind which would get me even more sad, scared and depressed. The Desteni'I'Process tools and what I have learned until now in my process are of great help in dealing with this points and mind-constructs.

Sometimes the fear of being alone comes up where I remember how I felt and perceived myself in the past, before I was in a relationship. So, the old patterns of thinking came up, where I desire to be in a relationship and to have someone that will "love" me and help me and also to always have someone for sex. Also fear of being stuck with my parents and having no friends, which is only memories now as I am not stuck with my parents anymore and also know a lot more people I can hang out with. I manage to stop the feeling and fear but the thoughts still come up about being with other people as now I don't fear them anymore as I already mostly dealt with that self-suppression. This I also perceive as a polarity which is also connected with girls and sex.

So as a teenager I was very afraid of meeting new people or talking to them, especially girls. I always wished to have friends and hang out with them and be with girls and explore sexuality but I was too afraid and too self-judgmental to express myself like this with others. So I created a polarity where I experienced a lack of social expression and now I find it exciting because I am able to do it. Also with the idea that I can have sex now with whomever I want as I have no relationship obligation to Barbi anymore. Again polarity, mind-fucks work like that to perpetuate themselves through our acceptance and allowance. So, what I realized also about stopping the mind-fucks is that I can look at a point and search for a polarity, to see where I have allowed myself to create one, and then stop it and just be self-directive here, doing what is Best for All. In the context of what I've said in this paragraph I also observed myself how I started to search more and care more for people that I can talk and be with (other than Barbi) out of fear that no-one will accept me and because I still allow myself to follow the desires to have friends, relationships and sex, which all derives from my fears of being alone. So, I started to contact more people and hang out with two girls in particular, but it's not all mind-fucks and desires because I am doing my process as I interact with others and I push myself to do self-corrections. So the starting point is to be self-honest, self-directive and do self-correction, to do what is Best for All. It is interesting how I get immediately 'bored' if I am with someone who is not interested about self-honesty, self-change and self-correction. All I can talk with such people is useless stuff, verbal diarrhea, unlived knowledge. Barbi's roommates are cool as they are open and also understand quite a lot of self-honest principles as Barbi and I explain them and talk with them about our process. Then I have another friend Luka, who had some problems with mental health and is very interested in the Desteni tools so I help him with his process.

OK that's it for this blog.

2011 - Agreement and fear of meeting with the director

Yesterday Barbi, Ajda and I had a meeting and we decided to start an agreement between us to support each other with the process and also in business to work as a group in making money and sharing it equally and for common sense intentions that need to be done. We don't live together (only Barbi and I) but we agreed to meet whenever possible to share our mind constructs and points and support each other. I see this as a great opportunity for myself to see what kind of relationship points I still need to let go of and also to deal with my points of intimacy where I am afraid to share something about myself with another. We've also agreed to work on collecting the money to visit the farm again next year around September. We'll see if that will be possible.

Today's point for mind construct:

I went to the firm that gave me the scholarship for my studies to talk with the director about a small delay in finishing the diploma and also about the possibility of a job after I finish. As I was driving to the company I started to experience some fear about what am I going to say and how am I going to defend myself against the fact that I will not finish the diploma exactly on time which could be a problem because of my scholarship contract. I felt guilt about the delay and I searched for excuses and justifications for the situation. I feared that the director will not want to listen and that I will have to return the scholarship which would be a very hard thing to do for me. I helped myself with breathing and I also practiced a bit what am I going to say which made me feel less nervous because I was afraid that I will forget about something that I have to explain or that I will not know how to defend myself. So the whole mind-fuck originates from the idea that I am guilty of being late and not exactly on time. So I judged myself for it and then got the idea that I have to defend myself for the mistake that I've supposedly made. All bullshit.
I've parked my car and walked inside and up the stairs and with this my fear started to rise as I will have to face the director as my judge while I was the real self-judge. I asked the secretary if I can speak with the director but he was busy so I had to wait for a while. I started to walk up and down the hole-way, trying to use self-aware breathing in order to stop the fear but it always came back again as I didn't to self-forgiveness on the points that caused it in the first place. So then I was able to enter and I spoke with him. I had a some fear in me for as long as we were talking and then it turned out as not being a problem so I created all that fear and self-judgment for myself while in reality it was just a formality that is not a problem at all.
I also asked about a job and he said that they already have someone and that is better for me to start looking for a job elsewhere. In this moment I created a relief and also an unpleasant feeling for me at the same time. Relief as in this case I will have no obligation to the company and will be able to find a job wherever I want and a bit of fear and uncertainty as I don't have a guaranteed job and so a way to start earning money as soon as I finish my diploma. I experienced a relief of emotional tension as I walked out of the firm as everything worked out OK and I allowed myself to let go of my self-judgments and fear. But still haven't remove the patterns that I used to create my experience as it was, so I'll write some self-forgiveness and self corrective statements to support myself as I come into a similar situation next time in order to stay here in the breath and not create any mind-fucks for myself to limit myself with.