Day 166 - Fear of talking too slow / not being understood

I noticed this interesting fear within me when I talk with others. I fear that I will explain something too slow and so that others will loose interest or not get what I am saying and so if this would happen, I would judge and blame myself for being a bad speaker/presenter/explainer of myself/information and feel inferior. Then I try to compensate for this fear and try to avoid it by trying to explain something too fast and so I do not give myself the opportunity to talk slowly or to pause and consider what I would like to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to effectively explain myself and be understood by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself when I am not understood by others, instead of taking a breath and asking what is not clear so that I can explain it better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and speak/explain myself fast so that others would not lose interest in me. When and as I see myself that I am speaking fast - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to fear that others will lose interest in me, because I do not have to judge myself as a bad speaker/presenter/explainer if that happens or if I am not being understood. I commit myself to not judge/blame myself as a bad speaker/presenter/explainer whenever I speak slow or when others lose interest in what I speak about or when others do not understand what I mean, instead I take my time and be patient with myself when I express myself through talking or otherwise so that I can effectively support myself for example say and explain myself in the most effective way in a the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and feel offended, disrespected, ignored and inferior, whenever I am explaining something and I see others loosing interest in what I speak about by looking away or doing something else. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that every time someone looks away, yawns or starts doing something else, this means that one is loosing interest in what I am speaking about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak with others from the starting point of desiring to get attention, be understood by all and/or get constant confirmation that I am being understood and that what I speak about is interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself and superior whenever I see/perceive that I am being understood and that what I speak about is interesting and within this I forgive myself to feel inferior and be ashamed, feel bad about myself whenever I see/perceive that others do not understand me or find my talking interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, feel offended, ashamed and inferior when someone does not agree with me / what I am saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and inferior when I realize that what I was believing/saying is wrong and not accurate, instead of realizing that I just learned something new and got the chance to expand my understanding of the world.

Day 165 - Fears on being more involved

When I think of becoming more involved in various projects and being more self-directive in creating and applying solutions for the problems of our world, a fear comes up where I fear of losing free time, losing fun and flexibility to do what I want. This is what I will be addressing in this blog.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear losing fun, free time and flexibility to do what I perceive as fun when I think of becoming more involved in creating and applying solutions that have to be implemented for the benefit of our world. When and as I see myself fearing of losing fun, free time and flexibility to do what I perceive as fun - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am actually limiting myself to the perception of "fun" and "freedom" where I connect these ideas to feelings of excitement when doing certain things that I perceive as exciting, while what I perceived as my "freedom" is actually just a mask for avoidance that I use for abdicating my responsibility for the emotion of resistance, fear and inferiority that I create within myself when I face activities that I do not perceive as "fun". Thus I commit myself to not limit myself by these definitions of "a fun time", "freedom" and/or "flexibility", as I see that with this I just limit myself and my expression by not allowing myself to enjoy myself in every breath of doing whatever I am doing that needs to be done and overcome.

Redefinition:
Flexibility - to be able to change without resistance, to not have beliefs or intentions "set in stone", to consider what is here at all times and be able to adapt to all things and events, to be like water, to move through all things effortlessly with self-direction and without creating friction within self or others

I also realize that I can enjoy creating and applying solutions for myself and our world from the simple starting point of knowing that I am with this doing the only relevant thing that is worth doing for myself and for all as long as there is abuse, as doing anything else is basically just running back into my own self-limitations and inferiority, running back into being a robot where I am basically just afraid of myself most of the time. Therefore I commit myself to always remind myself of this point and so lead myself into the unknown adventure, where I will discover more of my perceived limitations, so that I can expand myself and create myself the way I want to, which is to be a being with no limitations, where I can express myself as flexibility and do what I decide to do without any self-sabotaging and according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my perceived limitation within gaming and seeking "fun times" in gaming, although I have proven to myself every time that I am actually enjoying myself more when I learning practical things about the world and myself and when I expand myself practically. When and as I see myself wanting to hide from my resistances and perceived limitations by seeking "fun times" in gaming or other entertainment - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am sabotaging myself and wasting my Life by limiting myself with emotions, instead of leading myself into the adventure of expanding myself practically. Therefore I commit myself to always remember: I expand and lead myself past my limitations for me and no one else, because only I can do that for myself. I remind myself that all I want to do as the real me as Life that I am, behind all the emotions, fears, resistances and good/positive and bad/negative feelings, is that I want to expand myself as Life and be without limitations, without fears, emotions and feelings and that the only way I can do this is to practically apply myself by participating in everything supportive for myself and by leading myself fearlessly and without self-judgment and/or self-blame and self-sabotaging. To simply do things and stop participating in any kind of postponement, resistance, self-blame, self-judgment, fear and self-sabotage that comes up, by stopping myself for a moment, breathing and applying the self-forgiveness and to then immediately start moving myself again in the physical, breath by breath - enjoying myself, my endurance, my determination, my consistency, my persistence, my stability, my self-direction, my constant application and my constant involvement in expanding myself past all the resistances, to create new expressions of myself and solutions that support myself and all in a way that is best for all.

Day 164 - Self-victimizing myself in relationships with others

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I have a repeating pattern where, whenever I see another being in a reaction towards me, I go into a reaction myself, where I become angry for how I experience myself in such moments. Basically I start victimizing myself as I perceive that another is forcing his/her energetic reactions onto me, but in self-honesty, I get angry because of the emotions that come up within me, that I then blame another for. That's how we usually operate, so that we would have to take self-responsibility for our emotions and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to emotionally react to my partner/another by feeling disrespected, ignored, abused and to so take it personally, when I see/perceive that he/she is in an emotional reaction that he/she is blaming me for. I realize that my emotions I create in such moments are completely my creation that I have accepted and allowed to create within myself and so I cannot blame my partner/another for feeling disrespected, ignored and abused. When and as I see myself feeling disrespected, ignored and abused when my partner/another emotionally reacts and blames me for it or wants me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to feel insulted, abused, ignored and that I do not have to take such moments personally, because it will be much better for me to apply self-aware breathing where I do not go into any emotional reactions. Therefore I commit myself to apply self-aware breathing and self-forgiveness on any emotional reactions of feeling disrespected, ignored and abused, scared and angry, whenever my partner/another is in an emotional reaction and blames me for it or wants me to change. I commit myself to not speak back in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into the reaction of fear whenever I see my partner/another emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself going into fear of my partner emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that the worst I can do it to react back from anger or any other emotion. I realize that I must focus on my own reactions and so I commit myself to state to another that I am focusing on my own reactions and patterns, so that I can remove them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I have allowed myself to define/see/perceive myself as a victim of the situation, when my partner/another is emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself victimizing myself and seeing/perceiving that I am being abused, ignored and disrespected because I feel fear, anger, disrespect - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one creating these emotions and that my partner/another is just using words that I then take personally and react to. Therefore I commit myself to always be aware of how I take/perceive the words of my partner/another and clearly state to myself that I react to them emotionally when I do, so that I can take responsibility for my reactions and apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and so from that point on direct myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within this self-victimization basically just reacting to words of my partner/another. When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to the words of my partner/another - I stop and breathe. I realize the absurdity of the situation, where I allow myself to get angry and blame another for how I feel, instead of immediately focusing on how I feel and react and so take self-responsibility. I commit myself to always look and watch out for any reactions that I might have towards the words that my partner/another is speaking and to immediately when I see a reaction, apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and to not speak out of a reaction.

Day 162 - My Declaration of Principle: 9. Self Trust

The ninth principle I am committing myself to live by is the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me.

This "knowing who I am" came to me as a self-honest realization and is basically an understanding/awareness that I am, as a Living being in this physical reality, equal to all other Life and so equally responsible to not allow any abuse of Life, because by doing so I actually abuse myself. This is an understanding that one does not invent, but becomes aware of through being self-honest with oneself and is thus a fundamental part of one's decision and commitment to live by the principle of "I will not treat others as I would not want to be treated in their place", because this is actually what is practically best for all Life and so best for myself as Life.

The Knowing is obviously not enough and so I am committing myself to constantly apply this realization in my practical Life, through changing who I am in relation to others as myself, because others are actually me from another perspective. In order to do so I must apply self-honesty in every breath to observe my patterns, my thoughts, emotions and feelings, so that I can align myself with what is best for all, through writing and applying self-forgiveness and practical self-corrective application and not stop at my perceived limitations or ideas of who I am or can be, but constantly lead myself to become my utmost potential as a living being and help create a world that is actually best for all. Firstly, through changing myself and being an example and secondly, by working with and supporting others, so that we can all give and gift to each other a life worth living.

How I practically change my life by living this principle is firstly seen in my blogs. I am participating in sharing my realizations and understanding of how we can all start changing ourselves and help create a world that is best for all through various channels on the internet and in my personal life, where I do not participate anymore in activities that are self-dishonest and harmful to myself and others, like abusing drugs such as alcohol, marijuana or others, by stopping to subdue myself to my own selfish emotional reactions and feelings and instead, rather live by the principle of common sense and what is best for all. By not accepting and allowing myself to be brainwashed through my own participation in ignorance, apathy, mindless entertainment and my own egoism. I rather learn to direct myself and participate in the Desteni group and others, where we help each other on various projects of exposing the abuse, not accepting it ourselves and showing and creating solutions that we can practically implement in order to improve the lives of all and ultimately create a life and a system on Earth where all Life will be equally considered and supported. Where everyone will have a dignified and fun life. I am exploring and investigating how the system works through politics, economics and psychology, in order to empower myself to see how the world really works and what needs to be done and how, so that we manifest a world that is actually, practically best for all. It is my personal process and purpose that I have gifted to myself in my life. And this process I also share and walk together with other Destonians, so that we can stand together effectively through the principle of 1 + 1 and create a world that is best for all as soon as possible. Because what is best for all is also best for myself.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

Day 161 - My Declaration of Principle: 8. Being aware of self and others and supporting Life

Previous blog is in Slovene.

The eight principle I am committing myself to live by is the Principle of taking responsibility for myself to become aware of myself and others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as I would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own.

Being aware of myself means that I observe myself and what is going on within myself in every breath. What thoughts am I having, what emotions and feelings, where are they coming from, how am I creating them and how can I direct myself in alignment to what is best for all Life? Here I practice self-aware breathing, combined with "brutal" self-honesty, to really see the causes of the patterns that I participate in and then I take self-responsibility for them and apply self-forgiveness. After this I can lay out the practical self-correction which I will implement in my Life, so that I can become less limited and help more to implement, with my own practical example, human relationships that will result in a system that is best for all of us. All this process I do through writing, like you can see on this blog, and then applying myself in my everyday practical life.

It is important that I firstly focus on myself, because I cannot help others if I do not help myself first and get to know how I can do it. Then I commit myself to also assist others and help them as I would like to be assisted and helped if I was in the shoes of another. By help and assistance I mostly mean the support of showing others with my example how they can as well take self-responsibility for their own mind and emotional patterns and change themselves and their lives to become more effective and more stable and start helping to create a world where a dignified life for all will be guaranteed. Because this is the only way it is going to happen, when every one of us takes self-responsibility to actively participate in creating a world that is best for all and not based on selfishness and abuse of Life.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

Day 154 - The savior / Jesus / messiah construct

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the one who will be the savior of humanity by being a good example of how to direct oneself in a way that is best for all and to within this participate within the superiority construct, where I believe that I am better than others. I realize and understand that I cannot save anyone else but myself from the abuse that I accept and allow and that others can do that for themselves when they decide to, where I can only help by explaining of how I have done the self-change myself and not by trying to change others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the savior construct within myself in order to feel good about myself, instead of realizing that this is again me being egoistic where I only look for positive feelings instead of directing myself practically to stand as an example of self-change where I work towards what is best for all Life. When and as I see myself thinking about being a good example and showing, leading others towards what is best for all and having a good feeling - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am imagining myself in a positive way in order to have a positive feeling about myself and/or to make myself superior to others. Therefore I commit myself not to think about being a good example for others from the starting point of feeling good about myself. Instead I direct myself practically to do what needs to be done in order to implement what is best for all by looking at myself and where I can still change myself to be more effective in supporting Life and the group.

Day 153 - My Declaration of Principle: 7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness

Previous blog is in Slovene.

The seventh principle I am committing myself to live by is the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others.

In practice this means that I practice to focus my awareness on breathing - I am aware of me breathing - and then I look inside of myself to see in self-honesty, what thoughts are coming up in my mind and what feelings/emotions I am experiencing. This way I can take self-responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and emotions and stop them, therefore stop my automated train of thought, mind patterns and reactions through applying self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing. I am practicing this continuously, so that I can effectively direct myself by principle, instead of letting automated thoughts, feelings, emotions and habits to direct me. The important part of the self-corrective process is also writing. Therefore I write out the patterns and reactions, that I observe within myself throughout the day, to get to know them, how I have created them and to then write out a practical correction for me to follow instead of the old pattern, according to the principle of what is Best for All.

It may be strange to read that Self Awareness is something that we lack, because one might think that being awake in itself means that one is Self Aware. But that is far from reality. We are mostly not aware of a lot of things that we are creating and experiencing within ourselves all the time - thoughts, feelings, emotions. This is because we learned not to question our thoughts, feelings and emotions and so we take them for granted, we believe that thoughts, feelings and emotions is what we actually, really are. But this is not so. We are creating all our thoughts, feelings and emotions. And since we do it so quickly and so automatically, we are not even aware anymore of the exact process of how we are creating them. And so we become and automated being because we react to our own thoughts, feeling and emotions as if it is not us who are creating them. Really strange and fascinating to realize how we have separated from ourselves and our own self-responsibility, our own power to direct ourselves and be who we decide to be. We cannot make effective decision of who we want to be and what principle we want to live by if we believe that we are not creating our own thoughts, feelings and emotions and if we are not really even aware of them. This is why it is of the most importance for all of us to start practicing Self Awareness through Self Honesty and self aware breathing. This is the only way that we can effectively look at our thoughts, feelings and emotions that we are creating and experiencing, so that we can then write them out, really get to know them and see how we have created the mind patterns and only then can we effectively change who we have believed and conditioned ourselves to be in the lack of Self Awareness.

I suggest to all who want to start with this process in a structured and simple way, to try out the free online course, where you will also have a buddy available, who will help you to understand how to apply the tools for self support effectively: The Desteni'I'Process Lite.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.