Day 164 - Self-victimizing myself in relationships with others

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I have a repeating pattern where, whenever I see another being in a reaction towards me, I go into a reaction myself, where I become angry for how I experience myself in such moments. Basically I start victimizing myself as I perceive that another is forcing his/her energetic reactions onto me, but in self-honesty, I get angry because of the emotions that come up within me, that I then blame another for. That's how we usually operate, so that we would have to take self-responsibility for our emotions and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to emotionally react to my partner/another by feeling disrespected, ignored, abused and to so take it personally, when I see/perceive that he/she is in an emotional reaction that he/she is blaming me for. I realize that my emotions I create in such moments are completely my creation that I have accepted and allowed to create within myself and so I cannot blame my partner/another for feeling disrespected, ignored and abused. When and as I see myself feeling disrespected, ignored and abused when my partner/another emotionally reacts and blames me for it or wants me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to feel insulted, abused, ignored and that I do not have to take such moments personally, because it will be much better for me to apply self-aware breathing where I do not go into any emotional reactions. Therefore I commit myself to apply self-aware breathing and self-forgiveness on any emotional reactions of feeling disrespected, ignored and abused, scared and angry, whenever my partner/another is in an emotional reaction and blames me for it or wants me to change. I commit myself to not speak back in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into the reaction of fear whenever I see my partner/another emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself going into fear of my partner emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that the worst I can do it to react back from anger or any other emotion. I realize that I must focus on my own reactions and so I commit myself to state to another that I am focusing on my own reactions and patterns, so that I can remove them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I have allowed myself to define/see/perceive myself as a victim of the situation, when my partner/another is emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself victimizing myself and seeing/perceiving that I am being abused, ignored and disrespected because I feel fear, anger, disrespect - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one creating these emotions and that my partner/another is just using words that I then take personally and react to. Therefore I commit myself to always be aware of how I take/perceive the words of my partner/another and clearly state to myself that I react to them emotionally when I do, so that I can take responsibility for my reactions and apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and so from that point on direct myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within this self-victimization basically just reacting to words of my partner/another. When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to the words of my partner/another - I stop and breathe. I realize the absurdity of the situation, where I allow myself to get angry and blame another for how I feel, instead of immediately focusing on how I feel and react and so take self-responsibility. I commit myself to always look and watch out for any reactions that I might have towards the words that my partner/another is speaking and to immediately when I see a reaction, apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and to not speak out of a reaction.