Day 91 - The secret wish for arousing pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the desire of secretly looking at women in order to experience the energy of arousal, attraction and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire to secretly look at women in order to create arousing energy within myself that I could use for an orgasm during masturbation or sex.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the wish/want/desire to look at women just to create a sexual energy inside myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and understand that I am with this abusing women for my energetic self-interest where I judge and compare them and only see them as sexual objects instead of living beings. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to secretly look at woman for energy - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I with this allow abuse where I only see women as sexual object and pictures instead of real living beings. Therefore I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to look or wish/want/desire to look at woman secretly in order to create energies of arousal.

2012 - Dealing with my Relationships / Agreements

I'll share some points I've been dealing with since Barbi and I decided to stop and delete all and any relationship mind constructs that we still have towards each other. This means we're stopping the habits that we developed in our relationship and learn how to be supportive to each other like we would be to anyone else. We don't live together every day as she lives with her roommates in Maribor and I work in another city where my parents live so I stay there and go to Maribor every other day or so.

So as Barbi proposed to break up the relationship I was firstly scared and sad as I perceived the "breaking up" part from a system perspective where two partners go away and don't see each other anymore and don't want to talk to each other. But as we talked it through we agreed that we are doing this to support each other in breaking up the relationship habits and attachments to each other in order to be more self-directive and self-sufficient and that we will do it practically, meaning that we will still support each other where it is common sense and Best for All, for instance she owns a car and I don't, but I need it to drive to work and she doesn't, so she will still lend me her car, but we won't for example go to her home or my home together because we did that mostly because of the relationship attachment and not from a common sense perspective. Also we still sleep in the same bed together because it is practical but we don't hug or have sex in order to remove the attachments and habits. I'll be moving into my own apartment in the town I work next week, so then I'll mostly visit Barbi at the weekends.

So, some points that came up for me within this time:

At first I occasionally allowed myself to have thoughts about "the break up", where I experienced sadness when memories came up about how I see and define and remember my relationship with Barbi, because I experienced it like I won't have that anymore. I used breathing to bring myself here and to not think about it and what also helped was that I explained to myself that "breaking up" is only an idea that I have about loosing the relationship that I had with Barbi and that definitions and relations of it weren't real anyway as I imagined them in my head as ideas and perception about us, which have nothing to do with the physical reality. It is great that we do this as an agreement and talk to each other. This way we put out the mind-fucks we get and share them and we work through them and support each other. If I couldn't talk to her and write out the mind-fucks I would just perpetuate them in the mind which would get me even more sad, scared and depressed. The Desteni'I'Process tools and what I have learned until now in my process are of great help in dealing with this points and mind-constructs.

Sometimes the fear of being alone comes up where I remember how I felt and perceived myself in the past, before I was in a relationship. So, the old patterns of thinking came up, where I desire to be in a relationship and to have someone that will "love" me and help me and also to always have someone for sex. Also fear of being stuck with my parents and having no friends, which is only memories now as I am not stuck with my parents anymore and also know a lot more people I can hang out with. I manage to stop the feeling and fear but the thoughts still come up about being with other people as now I don't fear them anymore as I already mostly dealt with that self-suppression. This I also perceive as a polarity which is also connected with girls and sex.

So as a teenager I was very afraid of meeting new people or talking to them, especially girls. I always wished to have friends and hang out with them and be with girls and explore sexuality but I was too afraid and too self-judgmental to express myself like this with others. So I created a polarity where I experienced a lack of social expression and now I find it exciting because I am able to do it. Also with the idea that I can have sex now with whomever I want as I have no relationship obligation to Barbi anymore. Again polarity, mind-fucks work like that to perpetuate themselves through our acceptance and allowance. So, what I realized also about stopping the mind-fucks is that I can look at a point and search for a polarity, to see where I have allowed myself to create one, and then stop it and just be self-directive here, doing what is Best for All. In the context of what I've said in this paragraph I also observed myself how I started to search more and care more for people that I can talk and be with (other than Barbi) out of fear that no-one will accept me and because I still allow myself to follow the desires to have friends, relationships and sex, which all derives from my fears of being alone. So, I started to contact more people and hang out with two girls in particular, but it's not all mind-fucks and desires because I am doing my process as I interact with others and I push myself to do self-corrections. So the starting point is to be self-honest, self-directive and do self-correction, to do what is Best for All. It is interesting how I get immediately 'bored' if I am with someone who is not interested about self-honesty, self-change and self-correction. All I can talk with such people is useless stuff, verbal diarrhea, unlived knowledge. Barbi's roommates are cool as they are open and also understand quite a lot of self-honest principles as Barbi and I explain them and talk with them about our process. Then I have another friend Luka, who had some problems with mental health and is very interested in the Desteni tools so I help him with his process.

OK that's it for this blog.

2010 - Avoiding physical touch

Lately Barbi and I decided to stop all little things that are based on and connected to the relationship we were/are in. Like kissing and other energy based actions. She is somewhat more willing/motivated to do this things because I still have a desire to hug/kiss/have sex for orgasm. I often still lose my self-direction in standing here with no mind or energy movement when I am with her. Usually I experience the point of "unfairness" and "inequality" when it comes to sex and other more intimate experiences because most of the people around me have/had more of it than I do. I see myself as "less then".
Also, when being with other women (meaning not with Barbi), I always try to avoid any physical contact because I still get this desire to be intimate with other girls and thus the contact from that point on would not be in equality but from self interest. So because of that I suppress all physical contact to avoid mindfucks and energy movements in me and in that way actually also keep them going because then the desire to be more physical with others comes up.
I was thinking that maybe the best way to deal with this point would be to do self-forgiveness aloud when in such a situation with someone that's willing to assist me in this way.