2010 - Dissolving relationship mindfucks

It is interesting how I allowed myself to be influenced through feelings and emotions by my partner. When I see that she is not feeling ok or that she has a mindfuck, it's like I get it too. Like yesterday we were talking on the phone and I noticed that she's got this voice tonality that she usually has when she's not ok with something. I asked her why and whats wrong and she said nothing and then that she just doesn't know why I'm calling her because we can talk on the internet and that we don't have anything specific to talk about anyway. So that was probably the cause but anyway, I still allowed myself to go into this emotion of "something is wrong", I need to find out and help her correct the problem. I see now that I still see her differently in a way because I care more how she is and also how she sees me. So basically I would like her not to think bad about me and that's relationship mindfuck mind control. Usually what I would do in that situation is that I would start thinking about what is wrong and firstly if I am the reason for it and then I would try to make things 'right'. But yesterday I didn't, now I stop myself and breathe through it and just work with what is here in common sense. I ask and if there is a problem I try to assist in common sense, otherwise I stop to bother and don't think about it at all. I'd say we mostly fuck up things the moment we start to think about them. It's all ego mindfucks. I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to go into my mind and thinking, instead I stay here in the breathe and deal only with what is here, common sense is all I need.

Writing this I felt a slight and short pain on the left middle side of my neck. Something defused? I know in general that pain appears when we write and do self-forgiveness which is indicating that we are in away effective with the process but I usually don't use it to assist myself with it specifically. I am going to be more aware of it and use it to assist myself from now on.

When I wrote the title for this post with the words "dissolving relationship" an emotion of fear/resistance/sadness came up. It was like "oh no I am loosing my relationship and I don't want that" kind of feeling when in fact I am just dissolving and deleting my imaginary mind constructs that are not real to begin with. It was hard for me in the beginning to deal with it but now I see that I am not loosing anything in fact, I am just removing the restrictions/ideas/mindfucks/illusions that fuck me up as my mind. And that is not loosing, that is allowing me as life back to me to be fully here, responsible and participating as equal as one, getting rid of limitation with which I imprisoned myself through my own mind.

2010 - Christ-mess mind controll

Before this mess of Christ started I explained to my mother what I think about it and that I don't support it. Of course she still wanted me to come home for that 'special' day so that we could be 'together' as a 'family'. And of course there had to be some presents. I said to her I don't need any but I knew she will give something anyway so I said she can bring something modest and useful like something to eat (peanuts), which she did. I didn't want to participate in making a Christ mess tree either but she's all emotional about it and my father also because it's an act that 'family' does together... So I helped just for the sake of my 'special family'. And then we had a feast. I ate until I was completely full and during that I thought about all the starving children and men and all the shit in the world that we accept and allow and I felt like shit. I mean, I want to be the one that does something about it and stops all this shit and all I do is more or less just think about it. I mostly don't compromise myself when it comes to standing for all Life equally towards others, but I do that a lot when it comes to my family and/or my partners family. Now why is that? Because of money and 'security' within this system of abuse. I don't have a job yet, I don't have a place to stay yet, I drive my partners car ... which she got from her parents and she's in a similar situation as well so we have to behave 'good' toward her parents too, to have a 'secure' place within the system. I try to stay away from my family but that mostly results in me being stuck with my partners family because I don't have a place to stay on my own yet. So that's how we are completely controlled by money. In some way or another. It's absurd. I have 3000 € on my bank account which I saved by not spending all of my scholarship and I'd like to give it all to Desteni and Equal Life Foundation but I don't because I'm fucked with my fear of not being able to get a diploma = get a job = have money to live in dignity. And then some still say we have the freedom of choice to do what we want in this system. Oh, for sure! Until it's about making money and surviving we have all the freedom we can get until they put you to jail because you didn't play 'nice'. And then some of you still actually believe that you are a 'good' human being playing 'nice' not doing anything wrong while stealing money from others because you deserve it. I mean, you work so hard don't you? How about those children digging around in toxic garbage waste for some shitty metal out of which our fancy gadgets are made of, for 1€ a day? Fuck them, right? I mean, we can't do anything about it because we like it too much to sit on our royal ass and eat Christ-mess dinners and decorate trees and give each others presents and 'love' our 'special family' because we just don't know what else to do, right? Well I and many others know exactly what to do, but that's not really the problem is it? It's the human ego, the human desire to be fucking special and have it all. And people say; well, that's just how we humans are. Preprogrammed, yes! Mind-controlled, yes! Unwilling to stand up for All Life as One as Equals. If you're like that, FUCK OFF! Don't get in my way! I'm not going to be like that, because I have the courage to stand up, because I'm not spiteful towards life, because I know I am responsible for the whole world just the same as everyone else and I'm willing to change. How dishonest does one have to be to say that what I am doing is 'too extreme' or 'too utopian'? Are you kidding me? I just gave you a real fucking world example of extreme abusive shit while we live in utopia! How dishonest can you get?!

I perfectly see the absolute need for an Equal Money System because that will change everything. That's all that needs to happen. And we have to make it work and it definitely will work, when the majority sees the need for it and supports it. When that happens, everything will change in a very short time and people will get a chance to actually start living for the first time without fear and survival. Who wouldn't like that? Even extremely rich people live in fear and survival all the time! Seriously, how blind must one be to not see this simple fact? When I get a job, I'll give everything I can to the Equal Life Foundation. That's the least I can do. I mean what kind of a human being would one be not to support an Equal Money System? Surely not kind! What does one state by disregarding the Equal Money System and a solution for a Dignified Life for All? That one's evil? What else do you call that, ignorance? Well ignorance is evil! If you like the world like it is right now, you're pure evil! You're not worthy of Life at all! Die well.

I am one vote for an Equal Money System! If you're not, get out of my way!

2010 - Chri$tma$ I$ Bull$hit $ong!!

This is what I want to hear on the radio!

2010 - Equal Money System

The Equal Money System is a support system that derives from a single principle, that is also a fact, that we are all as one as equal as Life. That implies that if we do not treat each other equally in all ways, we live in a delusion. How hard is that to realize? Now take a good and thorough look at what exactly it is in your mind that prevents you, personally, to admit such a fact? Is it your ego? Would you like to be more than others? Or do you feel less than others and accept that as your reality? Do you self-honestly accept inequality as your limitation, as what you stand for and believe in? Why would you oppose a system where each individual is treated equally in oneness as Life? I mean if you do, than that states that you are obviously not equal to Life, because all Life is the same. All Life is equal to Life. Value of Life is Life. Is it that you would rather be something special = more than Life, or would you rather be something limited = less than Life? In both cases you can easily forgive yourself for such thoughts of delusion and spiritual diarrhea and take self-responsibility as Life. Or is it FEAR that controls you? What do you fear? Do you fear your-self? Everything is about self. Do you fear of losing your self? Or do you fear losing your advantaged position of power, luxury, fame and sex? If you fear of losing yourself you live in a delusion. Explore Desteni and you will be assisted in realizing why one can never lose self. But if you fear losing your privileged position - you have a problem. Again, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility. You can only fear losing something that was never really yours, but you made it yours and yours only. You lied, manipulated, cheated and not shared, to make it yours. And exactly because of your spitefulness towards others, not willing to consider everyone as one as equal as you as Life, you will lose everything. It is inevitable. Delusions never last. That's why they are delusions. Only what is real stands the test of time. Are you real?

No one can define you in any way what so ever. You and you alone are responsible for every thought, fear, emotion, feeling and action that you do and experience. What is your principle? Who are you? Are you Life? Or do you hate Life? Do you define yourself as 'less that'? Explore Desteni and you will be assisted into self-responsibility and equality as Life. Do you want to be 'more than' and abuse? Explore Desteni and you will be assisted into self-responsibility and equality as Life. Don't want to? Then state that clearly so that we don't waste our time with you. But even if you don't care, you decide in each and every moment who you are. Every day is your judgment day. More we wait, more fucked up we get. I have decided. At death it is too late. Ignorance, waiting and not acting also states who you are = unwilling to take self-responsibility to stand as one and equal as Life and do what is best for all Life. I will die well, how will you die?

2010 - My mindfucks towards my father/males

I figured out yesterday that I have a difficulty of establishing communication/friendship with males because I have this point towards my father. We mostly talked when he was drunk and so it was always very unpleasant for me, so I made this defensive layer inside my mind-consciousness system which basically came down to trying to avoid talking to male figures who are in some way or another similar to my father (like those being considered in society as higher authority). Also I experience a resistance to open myself and share myself to males because I am afraid to get the same reaction from them than I got form my father, which is that of non-acceptance and ridicule that would put me in a 'less than' position in relation to them or others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally influenced by what other people say or think about me. I do not accept and allow myself to be moved in any way what so ever by other people thoughts, words, reactions, judgments or deeds. I am here in the breath and I do what is best for all in all ways and I accept all as one as equal as me as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of opening myself up to others and to be afraid that others might hurt my feelings. I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and I do not accept and allow myself to be emotional or have judgmental thoughts or thoughts of comparison or any other thoughts about me or anyone else. I am here in the breath as life as one as equal with all as life. I do not accept and allow any abuse from others towards Life and I take responsibility and direct myself to stop the abuse and not participate in the abuse because I am one and equal and all is me as Life.

2010 - Self-directed sexation and orgasmation?

So the first thing is that a week or so ago I failed after a few months of not watching porn because I watched it again to jack off. It was great, but, I am now even more certain, or should I say self motivated, not to do it again because I understand that by watching porn I accept and allow my sexual mind consciousenss system to control me and supress/possess me as who I am as life. And I don't want that at all! So instead of directing me here and stopping the sexual energy desire, I gave in and got possessed by it, wanting to experience the great energy build up and then the release through ejaculation, which aparently gives me the super-duper feeling of the orgasm. Afterwards I always feel relaxed, cheerful and motivated, but that's all mind system bullshit, because I am always responsible for how I feel and how I experience myself. I do not accept and allow myself to get possessed by sexual energy and desire, instead I stop and breathe and I direct myself here to clear all thoughts and energy movements/desires and I stay here in the breath in self-direction and self-certainty as who I am as life.
That's that.
The other thing is that I don't want to stop sexuality or masturbation completely. Instead I want to be able to use it in self expression as who I am as life, with no wants/desires, to enjoy myself and my body and my partners body the way it is. But I always, when alone or with my partner, get quckly pumped with sexual energy when it comes to touching my 'stick of wonders' and then I give in and want to finish it with an orgasm/ejaculation. Because if I don't I feel tense and agitated and my balls hurt and what not I mean it's a real mind system fuck up. I've tried with my partner a few times to have sex as proposed by Desteni, just touching and feeling each other with no kissing and penetration but in the end, it still all came down to sex. It's quite a retarded situation, because I know that I am responsible for boulding up the sexual energy but still I'm usually unable to stop and then I find it more practical to just finish the thing with an orgasm because then I'm fine and clear again, otherwise I stay even more mindfucked and physically uncomfortable. So to stop this cycle of sexual possession, I have to stop myself before I even start to build up the energy. I've been doing that for some time now and I am getting better at it.
Still sometimes I get the desire to be physical with myself and/or my partner and if she doesn't want to, I breathe and delete the thoughts that come up. Like: "We haven't had sex for a week, I want to get physical..." or "I don't want to just touch myself and jack off, you do that better ..." lol, separation. Then I usualy do nothing and go to sleep.
So I've been working on this self-intimacy thing when alone,' like touching and feeling myself and breathing (trying breath orgasm a bit) and it's pleasant and interesting but as ususal I just can't avoid my dick and when I start with that I also ejaculate. It's like 'why the hell not' situation. So I want to deal wi this thing and right now I don't exactly know how. I also have this unwanted experience when jacking off by hand because it's not comfortable like it is with sex. So today I had a thought/interest of buying a fleshlight, which imitates the real 'cave of wonders', to play with when my partner is not interested. And I don't know if I should. I mean, I can see the mindfuck starting point of wanting to jack off my dick in a hightech suphisticated and comfortable way lol but it's also practical because I want to get rid of that sexual energy possession/desire to ejaculate everytime I start touching my dick. So I would use it to practically get rid of the speciallness of the experience of putting my 'magic stick' into the 'cave of woders'. Seriously though, in the end, it's all an excuse to continue orgasmating and ejaculating and feeling good about it.
I'm sure some of you already found some way to sort this sexuality thing out, yes? Well please give some perspectives. I find it complicated, lol.