Day 182 - Running away from self by desiring

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I am working on removing the point of desire / excitement of looking / turning my head at woman that I would perceive as being sexy / having an arousing / perfect body. I've already worked on the obvious points of how I define / judge what is attractive and what not. But there are still points that I missed and are not so obvious. Thus I will look at what other points come up in relation to this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see / perceive / believe / judge / define myself as unworthy and incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like, back when I was still in middle school, because I have defined myself as too ugly, too shy, too scared and too boring to be / deserve to be with a woman I really like and / or find attractive. When and as I see myself seeing / perceiving / believing / judging / defining myself as incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that all these perception/beliefs about myself are not true as I made them up within my mind by convincing myself that I am in fact inferior to other men and woman, by simply repeating it in my mind over and over. Thus I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to see / perceive / believe / judge / define myself as unworthy and incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, because of the above beliefs, create and exist within and as the desire / wish / want within myself to one day be with a "perfect" woman that I will like / find attractive the most as a happiness point and proof to myself that I am not in fact inferior and that I can really be with any kind of woman that I like / find the most attractive. When and as I see myself creating / existing within and as the desire / wish / want to one day be with a "perfect" woman that I will like the most and find the most attractive as a point/desire of proof to myself that I in fact can do it and that I am not inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to in fact be with such a "perfect" woman in order to prove to myself that I am equally worthy to be with such a woman and that I am not inferior, because the point is to simply stop seeing/defining myself as inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge / blame myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life. When and as I see myself judging / blaming myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this judgments are pointless and not real, because I know that what I believe about myself has does not change the fact that all Life and all living beings are in fact equal. Thus I commit myself to not judge / blame myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life. Instead I simply see how this was a part of my life where I still subdued myself to my own fears that I experienced when I was around people and women because I didn't know any better at that time.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think / believe / perceive that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive". When and as I see myself thinking / believing / perceiving that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive" - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I already am equal and/or have courage to do this as I have already proven to myself with removing the fears and so there is no point in actually doing it as this would just be me following the desire / want / need for the positive experience / emotion of happiness / pride that I perceive I would get if I would be with and/or have sex with such a perceived "perfect" woman that I would not dare to approach in the past. Thus I commit myself to no more think / believe / perceive that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive".

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish / want / desire to experience the feeling of pride / happiness / satisfaction with myself that I perceive I would experience if I would be with and/or have sex with a woman that I would perceive as "perfect" and the most attractive. When and as I see myself wishing / wanting / desiring to experience the feeling of pride / happiness / satisfaction with myself that I perceive I would experience if I would be with and/or have sex with a woman that I would perceive as "perfect" and the most attractive - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am participating in the polarity emotional design, where I think / believe that I need such a woman in order to be happy, proud and satisfied with myself. I realize and understand that I need nothing at all in order to be proud of myself, happy and satisfied, because I am the only one that can give all that I want to myself by myself, because I also took all that I think I do not have or cannot give to myself away from myself, by myself, by simply starting to believe that I don't have it in the first place. Thus I commit myself to no more wish / want / desire to experience pride / happiness / satisfaction by being / having sex with a "perfect" attractive woman and to also no more think / believe / perceive that only such a woman can give me what I want, because I know that I am the only one that can stop this separation within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be happy with myself, satisfied and proud of myself. I realize and understand that me wanting a certain woman is just me running away from myself, where I do not give to myself the satisfaction of being whole, complete, happy, satisfied and proud of myself as a living being that does not need anything or anyone else in order to enjoy self. Thus I commit myself to always remind myself that there is no point in running away from myself by desiring certain women, because I am everything that I need in order to always enjoy myself as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself on what kind of woman / partner I am with and/or having sex with. When and as I see myself conditioning my satisfaction with myself based on what kind of woman / partner I am with and/or having sex with - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this separating myself with the belief that how I experience myself and how I am satisfied with myself is dependent on the woman/partner I am with, which is a projection. Thus I commit myself to no more condition my experience / satisfaction with myself with what kind of woman/partner I am with, instead I make sure that I am my own satisfaction in all ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for satisfaction by looking at women and turning my head whenever I see a woman that I perceive as "perfect" looking. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to get satisfaction by looking at women - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand how I have with this separated myself from satisfaction through the belief that satisfaction is en energetic experience that I can only get by looking at "attractive" women. Thus I commit myself to be my own satisfaction and no more define it as an energetic feeling of desire/excitement when looking at "attractive" women.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have no "satisfaction" and/or miss out on "satisfaction" if I stop looking at women from the point of desire/excitement. When and as I see myself believing that I will have no "satisfaction" and/or that I will miss out on satisfaction when I stop looking at women from the starting point of desire/excitement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have with this limited the experience of satisfaction with the energetic experience of desire/excitement when looking at women, which is a separation and self-limitation. Thus I commit myself to no more believe that I will have no satisfaction" and/or that I will miss out on satisfaction as I stop looking at women from the starting point of desire/excitement.

Word redefinition: satisfaction

I have lived the satisfaction as an experience of excitement/desire that I created when I was looking at women, or after I had sex. I also felt satisfied when I've done a good job, e.g. passed the exam, had a good meal, watched a good movie, played a good game. Thus connecting it with a positive feeling of getting/achieving something that I desired.

Dictionary definition:
1.
a.The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.
b. Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification.
c. A source or means of gratification.
2.
a. Compensation for injury or loss; reparation.
b. The opportunity to avenge a wrong; vindication.
3. Assurance beyond doubt or question; complete conviction.

Sounding the word:
sat is faction
sad direction
sit in action

Word polarity:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the word satisfaction as a positive word where I would feel something more when I would be satisfied and feel unfulfilled when I would not be satisfied.

New definition:

The self-fulfillment and self-enjoyment within the letting go of all the energetic wishes / desires / wants / needs and simply being here within breath.

Day 177 - What does socializing and being in company mean to me?

Previous blog is in Slovene.

Today I will look at the point of wants / desires and ideas / perceptions that I have towards socializing and how I see / experience myself while in company with others.

I see being in company / hanging out with others as a chance to express myself through interactions with others that I couldn't do otherwise. Within this I believe that this is fun, because I can expand myself and see where I am still limiting myself when I interact with others. I see I also connect hanging out with others with positive feelings of laughter, happiness, excitement and when I am in company and don't experience this feelings, I quickly become bored and not interested and so I believe that the company is boring, instead of removing the feeling / emotions that I create while with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that hanging out with others should be about feeling happy, laughing and being excited. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that hanging out with others should be about feeling happy, excited and joking / laughing - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have defined hanging out with others according to the feeling of happiness, excitement and joking, where I would the feel the epposite emotion - boredom, sadness - when I am with others and do not experience these happy feelings and would also consequently blame and define the company as boring / not my type / depressing / lifeless. I commit myself to no more connect/see/perceive/define hanging out with people as an activity where I and everyone should feel happy, excited and joke around. Instead I breathe and do not anticipate / make assumptions about how my experience with others should look like and I direct myself to in the breath, learn to enjoy expressing myself with others without emotional / feeling reactions / anticipations / wants / needs / judgments and without blaming.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that expressing myself with others is more fun than expressing myself alone and that I need others to get that "fun". When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that expressing myself with others is more fan than expressing myself alone - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this separating myself from fun/enjoyable expression of myself. I realize that the enjoyment/fin of my own expression is not / cannot be dependent on others and if they are with me or not - thus I must make sure that I learn to express myself and enjoy/have fun with myself at all times where the fact that I am with others or alone has nothing to do with it. Thus I commit myself to no more think/believe/perceive that I can have more fun/enjoy myself more if I am with others and that I in such moment focus on learning how to express and enjoy my own company and expression so that I doesn't matter whether there is someone with me or not. I commit myself to observe how I behave when I am alone and with other to see how / where does my behavior change and to then make sure that I am always the same whether I am with myself alone or with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I am with them and do not feel excited, happy, but instead feel bored or afraid of expressing myself the way I do when I am alone because of self-judgment. When and as I see myself that I see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I feel bored around the or are afraid to express myself the way I do when I am alone - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am projecting my emotions onto others and so blame them because I do not want to take self-responsibility for how I feel. Thus I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I am with them and do not feel excited, happy, but instead feel bored or afraid of expressing myself with them the same way as when I am alone. Instead I commit myself to look at my emotions and remove them with self-forgiveness and make sure the I am enjoying expressing myself the same way when I am with others as when I am alone.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire other people's company when I think of other and to go into imagination about how it would look like to have company. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring other people's company when I think of them and that I am imagining how it would be to have company - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this separating myself into anticipations/desire of company where I actually desire the happy feelings I believe that would amplify. Therefore I commit myself to no more wish/want/desire other people's company when I think of them and to no more imagine how it would look like to have company because I understand that I am with this just creating anticipations/desires/wants/needs based on feeling and emotions where I then exist in these emotional experiences and completely miss what is actually here and how I can express and enjoy myself in that very moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define friendly competition among friends as fun and exciting and to connect this with the image of how people are playing sports or games and laughing, which is again a connection to happy positive feelings of excitement, happiness and joking around. When and as I see myself seeing/defining/perceiving friendly competition among friends as fin and exciting - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have in that moment connected that with the image of people having positive feeling and me wantng/desiring positive feelings. Thus I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define friendly competition among friends as more fun than no competition and no interaction with others and to no more connect it with the positive feelings of excitement, happiness and fun and to no more desire/want/need to feel happy, excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/see/perceive life as having to be fun where I am feeling happy and excited. When and as I see myself defining/seeing/perceiving that (my) life should be such that I will feel happy and excited - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have within this defined life according to the positive feeling of happiness and excitement, where I would then feel like am I not having/living the best life if/when I am not feeling happy and excited. Therefore I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define/desire/want/need life as having to be such that I feel happy and excited because I understand that I am with this creating the positive energetic desire and a polarity, where I will believe that I must get these feelings of happiness and excitement in order to live as I should, instead of just being here, breathing and realizing that the real life is when I do not separate myself into desires and feeling/emotions, but just be with myself here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to constantly search for the feelings of happiness and excitement in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will feel sad, bored and only have negative emotions left if I stop creating (searching for the positive feeling of happiness and excitement. When and as I see myself searching/creating the positive feeling of happiness and excitement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this is a polarity construct where I constantly search for something that will "make me" happy and excited, instead of just being here with myself with every breath. I commit myself to no more search for the feeling of happiness and excitement and to forgive and stop all such desires/wants as I see them come up.

Day 173 - 5 steps for proper and effective meditation

Previous blog is in Slovene.

Have you ever tried to meditate? What does it even mean and what is it's purpose? Let's first look at the definition of the word:

Meditation:

1. The act of meditating.
2. Continued or extended thought; reflection; contemplation.
3. Transcendental meditation:

• A technique, based on ancient Hindu writings, by which one seeks to achieve a relaxed state through regular periods of meditation during which a mantra is repeated.

4. Devout religious contemplation or spiritual introspection.

From what we can get from an online dictionary, it would seem that meditation either involves some sorts of thinking or repeating of a mantra. Wait, what is a mantra?

Mantra:

1. Hinduism A sacred verbal formula repeated in prayer, meditation, or incantation, such as an invocation of a god, a magic spell, or a syllable or portion of scripture containing mystical potentialities.
2. A commonly repeated word or phrase.

Still confused about the real purpose of meditation? Let me help you with that.

Step 1: Understand the purpose of meditation:

The one and only purpose of real, self-supporting meditation is to achieve a state of stability within oneself, where one is not distracted by one's thoughts, feeling or emotions. In such a state one is present within every moment of hereness. One is simply being with oneself in awareness of one's every breath. This is the best way to remove all stress and anxiety, by not participating in ones thoughts, feelings and emotions. But most of the times, this is hard to do. Thus we need other tools with which we can support ourselves to achieve this state of self-enjoyment within practical self-direction. Yes, self-direction, because the fact that we do not participate in our thoughts, feelings and emotions does not mean that we sit somewhere in the corner, doing nothing or repeating a mantra. That is not really practical in everyday life, is it? It simply means that we are able to effectively direct ourselves in the physical while enjoying ourselves, without being under emotional stress or some other kind of distraction within our minds.

Step 2: Learn and apply the tool of self-aware breathing:

In order to meditate effectively, one has to use the proper tools. The first one is self-aware breathing. This simply means that we focus our attention on our breathing, where we breathe slowly and comfortably. If we are very anxious or nervous, we can help ourselves with counting. While we count from 1 to 3 we breathe in, then we hold our breath while again counting from 1 to 3. Then we breathe out while we count from 1 to 3 and wait again until we count from 1 to 3. The point here is to breathe in a comfortable, stable manner and be aware of it. If you don't find it comfortable to hold for 3 seconds between each in-breath and out-breath, then you can simply remove those two pauses.

This is how we help ourselves in the moment to become more relaxed, but we are not yet dealing with the cause of our stress. We have only prepared ourselves to be able to find and remove the cause.

Step 3: Learn and apply the tool of writing in self-honesty:

Now that we are aware of our breathing, we can start observing the cause of our stress / anxiety / nervousness. We do this by writing and applying self-honesty.

In self-honesty, we do not hide or try to hide anything that we know about ourselves from ourselves. We do this by not judging ourselves. We accept ourselves the way we are in the moment and we look at our thoughts, what we are thinking about, as well as what kind of emotions and feeling we are experiencing. These thoughts, feelings and emotions are the primary cause of our stress, anxiety and nervousness. When we think we separate ourselves from ourselves: instead of being here with ourselves in every breath, we "go" into our minds and believe that we are our thoughts, feelings and emotions and so we create stress for ourselves, by creating feelings and emotions. The only way for us to relax and start enjoying ourselves again in every breath, where we can be effective and self-directive as a living being, is to stop these thoughts, feelings and emotions. The only way we can do this is to write them out for ourselves in detail, to see what we are actually thinking and experiencing within us through feelings and emotions.

Step 4: Learn the tools of self-responsibility and self-forgiveness:

Now that we have written out our thoughts, feeling and emotions - the way that we experience ourselves - we can stop this experience by taking self-responsibility for our experience of ourselves (our thoughts, feelings and emotions) and applying self-forgiveness for every thought, feeling and emotion that we had created within ourselves and started to identify with. We do this by writing down the realization of how we have been participating in a specific mind pattern and then we write out a commitment, where we decide how we are going to change in practice, so that we do not cause the same experience again for ourselves of being "lost", distracted and separated from ourselves in our minds, feelings and emotions.

Here is a sample of how to write down an effective self-forgiveness statement, together with the realization and self-correction statement:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ...
When and as I see myself... (Trigger-Point/Pattern), I stop and breathe.
(Self-realization statement about the Pattern)
I commit myself to... (Correction)

Example:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge my ears as ugly when I see myself in the mirror.
When and as I see myself judging my ears as ugly when I see myself in the mirror, I stop and breathe.
I realize that I do not have to compare my ears and that this judgment of my ears and myself based on comparison does not help me in any way and so I don't have to think about it at all.
I commit myself to no more compare and judge my ears as ugly when I see myself in the mirror, instead I breathe and accept my ears the way they are as perfectly fine.

Step 5: Commit to apply practical self-correction:

In order to really stop all the stress in our life that we are creating for ourselves through participating in our thoughts, feelings and emotions, we have to also practically apply the realization and the commitment that we previously wrote down. This should not be too hard as we already wrote down the plan of how exactly we are going to change. All there is left for us to do is to simply start living the change in practice.

If you'll take these 5 steps seriously and apply them in your life every day, you'll become a true master of meditation and remove all the stress you ever created for yourself from your life. And so you will give yourself the chance and opportunity to become an effective and self-directive human being that enjoys self in every moment.

To learn more about how to effectively apply self forgiveness and mentioned tools I suggest you check out others posts in this blog and also check out other blogs where people use these tools HERE. I also suggest that you try out the free and simple online course DIP Lite, where you will learn how to apply these tools in a fun way.

Day 167 - Today I wrote a song: Because why not!

Today when I woke up I started rhyming a bit and so I wrote a song, because why not. So that is the title. I've also come up with a basic music for it but that requires more work so I'll see what I can do. Would be cool to see someone else making it into a song! Anyone welcome.

Because why not!

(by Blaž Cegnar)

(dark and monotone)

Our minds opinionated

few things investigated

mad men re-delegated

their lies as truth debated.

Most people get frustrated

and politicians hated

brainwash incorporated

solutions not created.

(higher, playful)

But now we found a way

no more shall we obey

the programs of the mind

that made us blind.

[chorus start]

With self-forgiveness and self-honesty

we stand as one to make the call.

Removing evil thoughts and selfish wants

we stand for Common Sense and what is Best for All.

No more we walk astray

no need to pray

come see and you shall find

how to stop the mind.

Now we have found a way

no more shall we obey

the programs of the mind

that made us blind.

With self-forgiveness and self-honesty

we stand as one to make the call.

Removing evil thoughts and selfish wants

we stand for Common Sense and what is Best for All.

[chorus end]

(low, serious)

Our minds, we get dissected

no mind-fuck undetected

no point left uncorrected

our beingness perfected.

Adventure is expected

no man is unaffected

Life shall be re-elected

all willing self-directed.

(higher, playful)

And now we make the way

for Life in Dignity to stay

for All - as we are all the same

and all abuse is our shame.

(repeat chorus)

Come join the party hall

it's free for all.

Day 166 - Fear of talking too slow / not being understood

I noticed this interesting fear within me when I talk with others. I fear that I will explain something too slow and so that others will loose interest or not get what I am saying and so if this would happen, I would judge and blame myself for being a bad speaker/presenter/explainer of myself/information and feel inferior. Then I try to compensate for this fear and try to avoid it by trying to explain something too fast and so I do not give myself the opportunity to talk slowly or to pause and consider what I would like to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to effectively explain myself and be understood by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself when I am not understood by others, instead of taking a breath and asking what is not clear so that I can explain it better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and speak/explain myself fast so that others would not lose interest in me. When and as I see myself that I am speaking fast - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to fear that others will lose interest in me, because I do not have to judge myself as a bad speaker/presenter/explainer if that happens or if I am not being understood. I commit myself to not judge/blame myself as a bad speaker/presenter/explainer whenever I speak slow or when others lose interest in what I speak about or when others do not understand what I mean, instead I take my time and be patient with myself when I express myself through talking or otherwise so that I can effectively support myself for example say and explain myself in the most effective way in a the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and feel offended, disrespected, ignored and inferior, whenever I am explaining something and I see others loosing interest in what I speak about by looking away or doing something else. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that every time someone looks away, yawns or starts doing something else, this means that one is loosing interest in what I am speaking about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak with others from the starting point of desiring to get attention, be understood by all and/or get constant confirmation that I am being understood and that what I speak about is interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself and superior whenever I see/perceive that I am being understood and that what I speak about is interesting and within this I forgive myself to feel inferior and be ashamed, feel bad about myself whenever I see/perceive that others do not understand me or find my talking interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, feel offended, ashamed and inferior when someone does not agree with me / what I am saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and inferior when I realize that what I was believing/saying is wrong and not accurate, instead of realizing that I just learned something new and got the chance to expand my understanding of the world.

Day 165 - Fears on being more involved

When I think of becoming more involved in various projects and being more self-directive in creating and applying solutions for the problems of our world, a fear comes up where I fear of losing free time, losing fun and flexibility to do what I want. This is what I will be addressing in this blog.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear losing fun, free time and flexibility to do what I perceive as fun when I think of becoming more involved in creating and applying solutions that have to be implemented for the benefit of our world. When and as I see myself fearing of losing fun, free time and flexibility to do what I perceive as fun - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am actually limiting myself to the perception of "fun" and "freedom" where I connect these ideas to feelings of excitement when doing certain things that I perceive as exciting, while what I perceived as my "freedom" is actually just a mask for avoidance that I use for abdicating my responsibility for the emotion of resistance, fear and inferiority that I create within myself when I face activities that I do not perceive as "fun". Thus I commit myself to not limit myself by these definitions of "a fun time", "freedom" and/or "flexibility", as I see that with this I just limit myself and my expression by not allowing myself to enjoy myself in every breath of doing whatever I am doing that needs to be done and overcome.

Redefinition:
Flexibility - to be able to change without resistance, to not have beliefs or intentions "set in stone", to consider what is here at all times and be able to adapt to all things and events, to be like water, to move through all things effortlessly with self-direction and without creating friction within self or others

I also realize that I can enjoy creating and applying solutions for myself and our world from the simple starting point of knowing that I am with this doing the only relevant thing that is worth doing for myself and for all as long as there is abuse, as doing anything else is basically just running back into my own self-limitations and inferiority, running back into being a robot where I am basically just afraid of myself most of the time. Therefore I commit myself to always remind myself of this point and so lead myself into the unknown adventure, where I will discover more of my perceived limitations, so that I can expand myself and create myself the way I want to, which is to be a being with no limitations, where I can express myself as flexibility and do what I decide to do without any self-sabotaging and according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my perceived limitation within gaming and seeking "fun times" in gaming, although I have proven to myself every time that I am actually enjoying myself more when I learning practical things about the world and myself and when I expand myself practically. When and as I see myself wanting to hide from my resistances and perceived limitations by seeking "fun times" in gaming or other entertainment - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am sabotaging myself and wasting my Life by limiting myself with emotions, instead of leading myself into the adventure of expanding myself practically. Therefore I commit myself to always remember: I expand and lead myself past my limitations for me and no one else, because only I can do that for myself. I remind myself that all I want to do as the real me as Life that I am, behind all the emotions, fears, resistances and good/positive and bad/negative feelings, is that I want to expand myself as Life and be without limitations, without fears, emotions and feelings and that the only way I can do this is to practically apply myself by participating in everything supportive for myself and by leading myself fearlessly and without self-judgment and/or self-blame and self-sabotaging. To simply do things and stop participating in any kind of postponement, resistance, self-blame, self-judgment, fear and self-sabotage that comes up, by stopping myself for a moment, breathing and applying the self-forgiveness and to then immediately start moving myself again in the physical, breath by breath - enjoying myself, my endurance, my determination, my consistency, my persistence, my stability, my self-direction, my constant application and my constant involvement in expanding myself past all the resistances, to create new expressions of myself and solutions that support myself and all in a way that is best for all.

Day 164 - Self-victimizing myself in relationships with others

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I have a repeating pattern where, whenever I see another being in a reaction towards me, I go into a reaction myself, where I become angry for how I experience myself in such moments. Basically I start victimizing myself as I perceive that another is forcing his/her energetic reactions onto me, but in self-honesty, I get angry because of the emotions that come up within me, that I then blame another for. That's how we usually operate, so that we would have to take self-responsibility for our emotions and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to emotionally react to my partner/another by feeling disrespected, ignored, abused and to so take it personally, when I see/perceive that he/she is in an emotional reaction that he/she is blaming me for. I realize that my emotions I create in such moments are completely my creation that I have accepted and allowed to create within myself and so I cannot blame my partner/another for feeling disrespected, ignored and abused. When and as I see myself feeling disrespected, ignored and abused when my partner/another emotionally reacts and blames me for it or wants me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to feel insulted, abused, ignored and that I do not have to take such moments personally, because it will be much better for me to apply self-aware breathing where I do not go into any emotional reactions. Therefore I commit myself to apply self-aware breathing and self-forgiveness on any emotional reactions of feeling disrespected, ignored and abused, scared and angry, whenever my partner/another is in an emotional reaction and blames me for it or wants me to change. I commit myself to not speak back in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into the reaction of fear whenever I see my partner/another emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself going into fear of my partner emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change - I stop and breathe. I realize that the worst I can do it to react back from anger or any other emotion. I realize that I must focus on my own reactions and so I commit myself to state to another that I am focusing on my own reactions and patterns, so that I can remove them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I have allowed myself to define/see/perceive myself as a victim of the situation, when my partner/another is emotionally reacting towards me and blaming me for it and wanting me to change. When and as I see myself victimizing myself and seeing/perceiving that I am being abused, ignored and disrespected because I feel fear, anger, disrespect - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one creating these emotions and that my partner/another is just using words that I then take personally and react to. Therefore I commit myself to always be aware of how I take/perceive the words of my partner/another and clearly state to myself that I react to them emotionally when I do, so that I can take responsibility for my reactions and apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and so from that point on direct myself with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within this self-victimization basically just reacting to words of my partner/another. When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to the words of my partner/another - I stop and breathe. I realize the absurdity of the situation, where I allow myself to get angry and blame another for how I feel, instead of immediately focusing on how I feel and react and so take self-responsibility. I commit myself to always look and watch out for any reactions that I might have towards the words that my partner/another is speaking and to immediately when I see a reaction, apply self-forgiveness and self-aware breathing and to not speak out of a reaction.