Day 177 - What does socializing and being in company mean to me?

Previous blog is in Slovene.

Today I will look at the point of wants / desires and ideas / perceptions that I have towards socializing and how I see / experience myself while in company with others.

I see being in company / hanging out with others as a chance to express myself through interactions with others that I couldn't do otherwise. Within this I believe that this is fun, because I can expand myself and see where I am still limiting myself when I interact with others. I see I also connect hanging out with others with positive feelings of laughter, happiness, excitement and when I am in company and don't experience this feelings, I quickly become bored and not interested and so I believe that the company is boring, instead of removing the feeling / emotions that I create while with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that hanging out with others should be about feeling happy, laughing and being excited. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that hanging out with others should be about feeling happy, excited and joking / laughing - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have defined hanging out with others according to the feeling of happiness, excitement and joking, where I would the feel the epposite emotion - boredom, sadness - when I am with others and do not experience these happy feelings and would also consequently blame and define the company as boring / not my type / depressing / lifeless. I commit myself to no more connect/see/perceive/define hanging out with people as an activity where I and everyone should feel happy, excited and joke around. Instead I breathe and do not anticipate / make assumptions about how my experience with others should look like and I direct myself to in the breath, learn to enjoy expressing myself with others without emotional / feeling reactions / anticipations / wants / needs / judgments and without blaming.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that expressing myself with others is more fun than expressing myself alone and that I need others to get that "fun". When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that expressing myself with others is more fan than expressing myself alone - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this separating myself from fun/enjoyable expression of myself. I realize that the enjoyment/fin of my own expression is not / cannot be dependent on others and if they are with me or not - thus I must make sure that I learn to express myself and enjoy/have fun with myself at all times where the fact that I am with others or alone has nothing to do with it. Thus I commit myself to no more think/believe/perceive that I can have more fun/enjoy myself more if I am with others and that I in such moment focus on learning how to express and enjoy my own company and expression so that I doesn't matter whether there is someone with me or not. I commit myself to observe how I behave when I am alone and with other to see how / where does my behavior change and to then make sure that I am always the same whether I am with myself alone or with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I am with them and do not feel excited, happy, but instead feel bored or afraid of expressing myself the way I do when I am alone because of self-judgment. When and as I see myself that I see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I feel bored around the or are afraid to express myself the way I do when I am alone - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am projecting my emotions onto others and so blame them because I do not want to take self-responsibility for how I feel. Thus I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I am with them and do not feel excited, happy, but instead feel bored or afraid of expressing myself with them the same way as when I am alone. Instead I commit myself to look at my emotions and remove them with self-forgiveness and make sure the I am enjoying expressing myself the same way when I am with others as when I am alone.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire other people's company when I think of other and to go into imagination about how it would look like to have company. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring other people's company when I think of them and that I am imagining how it would be to have company - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this separating myself into anticipations/desire of company where I actually desire the happy feelings I believe that would amplify. Therefore I commit myself to no more wish/want/desire other people's company when I think of them and to no more imagine how it would look like to have company because I understand that I am with this just creating anticipations/desires/wants/needs based on feeling and emotions where I then exist in these emotional experiences and completely miss what is actually here and how I can express and enjoy myself in that very moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define friendly competition among friends as fun and exciting and to connect this with the image of how people are playing sports or games and laughing, which is again a connection to happy positive feelings of excitement, happiness and joking around. When and as I see myself seeing/defining/perceiving friendly competition among friends as fin and exciting - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have in that moment connected that with the image of people having positive feeling and me wantng/desiring positive feelings. Thus I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define friendly competition among friends as more fun than no competition and no interaction with others and to no more connect it with the positive feelings of excitement, happiness and fun and to no more desire/want/need to feel happy, excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/see/perceive life as having to be fun where I am feeling happy and excited. When and as I see myself defining/seeing/perceiving that (my) life should be such that I will feel happy and excited - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have within this defined life according to the positive feeling of happiness and excitement, where I would then feel like am I not having/living the best life if/when I am not feeling happy and excited. Therefore I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define/desire/want/need life as having to be such that I feel happy and excited because I understand that I am with this creating the positive energetic desire and a polarity, where I will believe that I must get these feelings of happiness and excitement in order to live as I should, instead of just being here, breathing and realizing that the real life is when I do not separate myself into desires and feeling/emotions, but just be with myself here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to constantly search for the feelings of happiness and excitement in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will feel sad, bored and only have negative emotions left if I stop creating (searching for the positive feeling of happiness and excitement. When and as I see myself searching/creating the positive feeling of happiness and excitement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this is a polarity construct where I constantly search for something that will "make me" happy and excited, instead of just being here with myself with every breath. I commit myself to no more search for the feeling of happiness and excitement and to forgive and stop all such desires/wants as I see them come up.

Day 50 - Hiding behind friendships

I can see how I have built my relationships with friends, partners and others based on fear of survival and fear of being alone, the last actually being fear of having to face myself alone and take complete self-responsibility for myself. People do that all the time, we start to define those who we build relationships with as special and more important than other people because we gain or fulfill a particular self-interest through them, like getting validation, feeling of safety or some other positive feeling that we create for ourselves when we are with our 'special' friends in order to compensate for our negative emotions and experiences that we create for ourselves when we perceive ourselves as lonely and feel sad, depressed, helpless, unwanted... Within this we give away our self-responsibility to take care of ourselves and be happy and fulfilled when we are with ourselves alone and so we constantly seek company/friends to hide from ourselves while in their company and so as we seek to be accepted from them, we allow the abuse and ignorance that is happening among friends, where all more or less just look for validation from each other and a positive feeling/experience through talking with each other, supporting each others self-interested personalities and ignoring the fact that we all have to actually practically change ourselves and work together in order to create a system that is Best for All, such as the Equal Money Capitalism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to know what my ex-partner and friends are doing and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as an excuse to be able to meet them. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to know what my ex-partner and friends are doing - I stop and I breathe. I realize that within giving into these desires I give into fears of being alone and being completely self-responsible and also into fear of not being able to get positive feelings of comfort/safety/validation/being part of a group. I commit myself to not accept and allow the desires/wishes/wants of knowing what my ex-partner and friends are doing and to also find and remove all points with which I trigger these reactions in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeing a picture or remembering my ex-partner and friends to immediately react with fear of loneliness and with sadness and to within this wish/want/desire to visit them and be with them in order to try and compensate for the negative emotions I just created with positive emotions I would create within myself when I would meet them. When and as I see myself seeing a picture or remembering my ex-partner and friends - I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself am responsible for creating these fears and desires within myself that I experience as negative and then go into sadness, loneliness and seek compensation, instead of not allowing myself to create these energetic polarities within myself in the first place. I commit myself to no more create and go into fear and feelings of loneliness and sadness and then desire to meet my ex-partner and friends whenever I see a picture of her/them or remember her/them, instead I direct myself in breath and state: "No, I will not accept and allow myself to experience fear, loneliness or sadness in relation to my ex-partner and friends as this is not who I am and not who and how I want to be and exist/experience myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be popular/desired/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends so that I would have help and support when I need it and to within this give into my fear of being alone and completely self-responsible to take care for myself. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to be popular/desires/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am giving into the fear of taking complete self responsibility for myself and so I commit myself to stop all fears of taking complete self-responsibility for myself and taking care for myself and to stop all wishes/wants/desires to be popular/desired/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends as I with this only support my belief that I um unable to take care of myself and be happy with myself without others, which is just an energetic illusion of thoughts/feelings that I created in myself and so I commit myself to not accept and allow these fears self-responsibility and desires for friends to exist within myself as this is not who I really am or how I want to be/exist and experience myself.