2010 - Sleeping 4 hours is enough

I usually sleep for 7 or 8 hours a day but last two days I've noticed a change. Two days ago I talked with a friend about sleeping and how 4-6 hours is more than enough and that anything more is actually a mindfucked habit. Later that night I woke up exactly after 4 hour of sleep, ready to go to work because I thought it's time to go but it was just 3:30 am. So I didn't know what else to do and I went back to sleep. And the next day (yesterday) the same thing happened. I woke up and I didn't feel sleepy or tired or anything. But again I found excuses why not to get up so I fell asleep again. :D Until now when I tried to sleep less I felt tired and sleepy when I woke up but now I don't anymore. That's great, all I have to do now is to actually get up and stop wasting my time with sleep.

2010 - Dreams and Self-Forgiveness

Today I had a dream about me and my partner having sex when suddenly my mother came into the room and left when she saw us. I didn't want her to see us so I felt a bit embarrassed and, well, just caught in the act.

The point I see with this is that I am still usually participating in sex from a point of self-interest, wanting to experience the release of sexual energy, which I still allow to build up and then let it influence me instead of me taking self-responsibility in every moment to stop participating in everything that originates from the mind and is energy-based.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sex from the point of self-interest and desire to build up and release sexual energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sexual thoughts and imagination instead of me being here in the breath with the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be guided by sexual energy/desire instead of me taking self-responsibility in every breath here in self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as a way to get an orgasm and to participate in sex because of experiencing an orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to have a want/desire to give my partner the best orgasm and to participate in judgment and comparison.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex according to porno videos and images and to accept that definitions as the way sex should/must look like.

2010 - Update on dealing with my father

So because I couldn't face my father directly (we usually don't see each other when he is sober) I wrote him a letter where I've explained my starting point and that I will no longer support his drinking and thus not talking to him when he is drunk (other than hello). I left it at the computer he uses for him to see the next day when I'll no longer be there and gone for the weekend. So after that three days not being at home (but at my partners place) I experienced a rush of fear every time someone called me on the phone because I've expected my father calling being angry. He didn't call me eventually. So after coming back home on Monday he left me a message bellow mine saying that he completely understands me and that he hopes that I have a good judgment of when he is drunk and that I won't use that as an excuse to not talk to him. So now when he's drunk he doesn't try to talk to me so it looks like it worked. Maybe he'll also reconsider his drinking habits. That would be a miracle lol.

2010 - Sexual self-interest, judgment, comparison

Through watching porn and also later according to my partner I realized that my joystick/penis isn't as big as my ego would like it to be. So I started to participate in self-judgment and comparison which is great for giving your life away to systems (not recommended). So now I stop with this ego crap by firstly explaining how my mindfuck looks like:

The mind consciousness system (which I allow to exist) wants/needs energy which translates to my ego wanting a lot of sex with a lot of perfect women that will provide that energy. Of course when I fuck a woman she should have the best sex ever so that she will want to do it again and maybe also spread the word to other possible candidates. But according to the systems a man needs a big dick to do the job right and make the woman satisfied. I've been able to observe the upper system play-outs very nicely thanks to Valentin (check out his blog) and another woman I know. She tries to find an agreement for herself where her guideline is the size of a mans dick. Not recommended.
It is important to understand that an agreement must not be based on self-interest because otherwise you will make your process longer instead of shorter.
So continuing, my 13 cm size dick does not fall into a category of big or anything close to that (right here my ego/mind wanted to avoid the word small, it's small alright, SMALL, SHORT. The point of this was to defuse the fear/energy movement in me triggered by combining the words "my penis is small" together, not to make comparisons. That is a big mindfuck generator which doesn't consider what is best for all). So that point resulted in me fearing to lose my partner because she might not be satisfied by the way I am. And also not being able to get another for the same reason. Because of that I also made sure that she's always enjoying sex as much as possible, always giving my focus to her and what she likes. I will write self forgiveness on reactions and energy experiences on this topic.
I also realized that I didn't want to reveal this to everyone because I was still holding on to the idea/desire to manifest the above ego mind-fuck-around of wanting to have sex with lots of perfect women just for an energy fix. Now that I've put it all out it feels great.

I stop and I breathe and I'm here and I don't accept and allow myself to participate and experience such ego/desire crap mindfucks anymore because it is all self-interest and self-deception. I am one and equal with life and do what is best for all and I will expose everyone and everything that is self deceptive, based on self-interest and doesn't support life in oneness and equality.

2010 - Self-Sufficiency

We've been changing our relationship into an agreement with Barbi for quite some time now. It's tough but fuck that we'll work it out :)
So on 1st of October she moved to Maribor to continue her study and I live in Celje to finish my practical work before I do my diploma. We don't see each other from Monday until Thursday which gives me a nice opportunity to develop self-support and self-sufficiency.
Mostly when alone (or without anyone knowing about Desteni around me) some points still come up like a desire to talk with someone about Desteni stuff or a desire to hug Barbi or someone that would "give" me that energy feeling of "I have someone that likes me and understands me". And of course sometimes the desire to build up sexual energy. I breathe through and stop the thoughts that cause the separation.
I also get the point of "I don't want to be alone" so then I try to hang out with Ajda. Have to work on that some more. But it's also supportive because she's doing her process too.

2010 - Sexual desire and pictures

A while ago I've noticed that I am only/mostly interested in talking to and going out with girls. I've realized that I still haven't dealt with my sexual mindfuck desire to experience sex with some other girl than Barbi which is the only one I had sex with. So by not wanting to face with that mindfuck I subconsciously tried to create opportunities for that mindfuck to play out. Connected to that mindfuck is also a picture of how that "perfect" woman should look like. Because according to my mindfuck, the woman that arouses me the most by the way she looks would also give me the best sexual pleasure/orgasm. LoL. Some time ago I was trying to figure out how did I construct such an image of a "perfect" woman in my head and then I realized that the base for it is a PC game character Alyx from Half Life 2. LoL. It's a picture of a picture of a picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by pictures and to compare pictures with each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by sexual energy experiences.

2010 - Fearing my father

I realized that I am afraid to speak to my father when he's drunk because I am afraid that I will make him angry and violent. When I was a kid he usually became violent when my mother talked with him. Mostly he just shouted and slammed doors but there was this one time when he grabbed my mother by her hair and held her for some time. I remember I got scared really bad and started crying. She tried to calm me down when he was still holding her and the way I see it now it seemed that the only reason why he didn't hit her was because I was there watching. Yeah, this is probably the major point about why I am scared of my father getting angry.

2010 - Points on Barbi and my father

Today (Wednesday) is the 3rd day of me living with my parents (again, since it's closer to where I work to get my mandatory practical education done) and apart from my agreement/girlfriend Barbi (she continues her studies in another town not too far away).

Yesterday I experienced some points of feeling a bit sad/empty because Barbi is not around which resulted in me thinking about how is she and what is she doing. I've noticed the mind pattern I was participating in pretty soon and started to breathe, focus on what is here and let it go. If it re-appears I just stop and breathe.

The other point is about my father. On Monday he came home late at about 10 p.m., expectedly drunk as most of the times. Maybe you've seen my vlog about me saying that I'll say to him that I won't talk to him anymore when he's drunk. I didn't do that yet because I didn't manage to calm down enough to stand in front of him in the breath as me here. When I talk to him when he's drunk it's like an energy storm inside of me and I get pumped with adrenalin so that if I pick up a glass to drink I feel my arm shaking. Fucking crazy. I realized that I have the wrong starting point when I speak with him. I come from a perspective of "I am in danger and must defend myself against psychological attacks at all costs" which I think results in the adrenalin and everything. I have already done some Self-Forgiveness so that next time I can come from the One and Equal starting point. I also decided that I will talk to him about not talking to him :) when he's drunk the next time he is sober to also eliminate my nervousness.

I'll also write a Mind Construct going through the time line of when he came home to map everything that was going on inside of my head and body and then write Self-Forgiveness.