Day 72 - Going for a walk

I had enough of myself today, living the same patterns, fears and being lazy, never really doing anything for myself. I always wait for something to happen, I wait for others to do something with me or do what others do and I get lost and scared when I am alone. I had enough of myself being like this and I went outside for a walk. It was 1 in the morning and there was chilly outside, everything was white from a thin layer of fresh frosty snow. I started walking across the city towards the big cinema. I knew it will be closed but I didn't care. That was my goal and I enjoyed myself, walking alone. I almost never do something just for myself, alone, I usually do things out of fear or I let my emotions and feelings to direct me, instead of me directing myself. I have to establish my own self-direction and stop fearing being with myself alone, doing things for myself alone. I have to stop waiting for things to happen to me, stopping wishing for this and that and stop fearing doing things for myself alone... I came to the cinema and in deed it was closed, so I continued walking towards the gas station. My partner wished for a chocolate, so I went to look if it is still open. I saw how my experience of myself immediately changed when I decided to go out by myself and for myself, when I decided to no more wait for something to happen or someone to be with me or give me direction. And I realized that this is what I need, what I have to do, start doing things for myself alone, I have to decide for myself what to do and be my own starting point. It doesn't really matter what I will do, what matters is that I decide to do it and do it for myself alone. Not to follow some desires and wishes, but to learn to direct myself alone, to develop self-direction, to learn to be with myself alone and stop fearing being with myself alone and being self-responsible for myself. This is how I will develop self-trust and lose the fear of doing things alone and start living me, being with myself alone, because each of us is alone and we have to be alone together. I am not saying that I have to be or will be actually alone, with no one around, that is irrelevant. What is important is that I start being self-directive and do things for myself alone, with myself, to develop self-trust and not depend on others, wait for others, subdue myself to others. I have to stop waiting for others to give me direction. I have to stop fearing living and being alive, I have to start being my own self-direction without fear and self-judgment.

I came to the gas station and it was closed, so I continued walking. I had no specific goal, but I had self-direction and my principle - walking. I walked and I walked quite fast and I was decisive. That's what I decided to do for myself alone and that is what I was doing and I enjoyed myself in how decisive I was. I walked for about an hour and I went across the city and to the top of a hill with a great view of it and I didn't get tired at all. I realized and decided that this is what I have to do for myself, I have to develop self-direction and determination to do things alone, for myself, to be my own starting point and get rid of all the fears of being self-responsible and learn to be as self-directive and decisive and without fears as I was at that moment, walking. I did it for myself and I was enjoying my self-direction and determination. And I didn't fear to be with myself alone. I always feared being alone, having to do things for myself alone and being self-responsible. And I still do at times, but I have my writings, self-forgiveness and common sense and I know what I want, I always want to be as decisive and as self-directive and without fear as I was when I decided to walk today. And I know that I have a lot of patterns to write out and remove and that fears and laziness and resistances and all the self-limitations of the mind will come back to test me, but I will not subdue to these mind energetic patterns and I will not let myself be less than what I am as Life. And I know that I will fail to stand many times, but I know what I want and I have my walk. I know how it is to walk decisively for self alone, without fear and with self-direction. And so I will walk and direct myself to walk, just as I did this day, and I will have this walk as an example of how self-directive, determined and without fear I can be and I will spread this walk to all parts of myself and my living, to be as best as I can and to not accept anything less from myself than what I really am as Life, in oneness and equality.

Day 39 - Allowing myself not to be anxious, sad and in fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use X as a place of safety and relief, instead of realizing that I am my own relief and safety and that I only blind myself from the fact that no one and nothing outside of myself can be/give me safety/relief/happiness as I can only give this to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have no partner/sex available in the future and that I will be alone. I realize that I do not need others in order to be safe and enjoy myself. When and as I see myself going into fear of having no partner/sex in the future - I stop and breathe. Instead I realize that I always have myself here in the breath and that this is all I need to enjoy myself because my fears that I create are not real and thus I allow myself to stop creating fears and negative emotions in relation to having no partner/sex and being alone in the future.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the fear of having no partner/sex and being alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop defining the situation of having no partner/sex and being alone as sad, bad, meaningless, pointless, depressing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself being alone/having no partner/sex. I realize that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know myself, be with myself and learn to be self-sufficient, self-directive and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the fear of not meeting X again and ever having sex with X again have control over me. I realize that I must not let this fear to have control over me as I will with this enslave myself into this fear and diminish myself. I realize that this fear is not real and so I breathe, stop myself and do not accept and allow this fear of not meeting/having sex with X again to have control over me and/or direct me in any way.

I realize that I can stop all my fears because the fear I create is not me as who I really am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can simply stop creating fear with breathing and not participating in the mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to do my homework if I stay at X's place and don't go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot concentrate and be effective and do my homework if I stay at X's place and don't go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the resistance to do the homework at X's place will be/is too strong for me to do my homework and that this resistance will go away when I am at my place.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the fear of failure when I am having trouble with homework or something that I have to do. I realize that I am creating this fear because I do not take self-responsibility to do what it takes to be successful and finish what I have to do. When and as I see myself going into fear of failure - I stop and breathe. Instead I allow myself to stop the fear and direct myself here in the breath and find the solution to solve the problem and do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop creating resistances towards doing homework or studying.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop searching for distractions in environment with which I could justify my emotions/resistances and so not take self-responsibility to stop this emotions/resistances and focus on the tasks that I have to do. When and as I see myself searching/looking for distractions and justifications for my emotions/resistances when I have to do my tasks - I stop and breath. Instead I remain here in the breath and direct myself to do the tasks while being aware that I can simply stop all fears/resistances/emotions through breathing and knowing that I am with every breath allowing myself to simply be here and not create any fears/resistances/emotions.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad, depressed and anxious if I am home alone and there is no-one I could talk to. I realize that I hide myself from these feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety when I want to talk to others so that I would not have to face them and take self-responsibility for them. When and as I see myself getting sad, depressed and anxious I simply allow myself to stop manifesting these emotions through breathing and enjoy myself here in the breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety when I am home alone and/or have no-one to talk to.

I forgive myself NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not need other people in order to make the feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety go away as with this I only hide myself from the fact that I create them. Thus I realize that I do not need them and I allow myself to stop them with breathing and I allow myself to not recreate them as I know that creating and identifying myself with these feelings is pointless.

Day 18 - Relationship points: loneliness

I fear not having an agreement with X because we support each other practically and because with her I feel peaceful, safe, secure and comfortable.

Why do I feel peaceful?
We don't fight. I don't experience emotions of loneliness, aloneness, fear, anxiety, helplessness, lostness.

How do I experience loneliness?
I define loneliness as having no one to be/talk/do things with. When lonely I get the want to talk to or do something with someone. I think I am missing out life/living, I think others enjoy themselves more than me and I am jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the lonely character when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with. I realize that with this I compromise myself by going into my mind where I think about others and what they are doing and what experiences they are having that I would also like to experience with them while I actually miss what is here by being in my mind. When and as I see myself going into the lonely character when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with – I stop and I breathe. Instead I focus on moving and directing myself here in the breath in the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about others/friends and what they are doing when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with and compare their experience to my experience. I realize that within this I fuck myself in the mind instead of simply being here in the breath. When and as I see myself thinking about others/friends and what they are doing when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with and comparing their experience and my experience – I stop and I breathe. Instead I focus on moving and directing myself here in the breath in the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself to define being around friends/familiar people as more fun/better than being alone or with strangers and within this create the opposite polarity of loneliness. When and as I see myself defining being around friends/familiar people as more fun/better than being alone or with strangers – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stop existing within the polarity of being alone/being with friends and enjoy myself here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the want/need/desire to talk/do something with someone within and as me. I realize that within this I create the belief and emptiness within myself where I look for something outside of myself to fulfill me. When and as I see myself wanting/needing/desiring to talk/do something with someone – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath give back to myself that which I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am missing out life/living when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with. I realize that I don’t need anyone to enjoy myself. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am missing out life/living when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with – I stop and I breathe. Instead I enjoy myself here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life to the life of my friends and others and to think/believe/perceive that others enjoy themselves more than me and so create jealousy within myself. When and as I see myself comparing my life to the life of my friends and others and think/believe/perceive that others enjoy themselves more and become jealous – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath and do not compare my life to others and commit myself to work towards a solution that will allow all to have an enjoyable life in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anxiety within the thought ‘I am alone, there’s no one I can talk to/do things with’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect/define the word aloneness as something negative and connect it with anxiety and depression.

I commit myself to no accept and allow myself to exist within the character of aloneness and I commit myself to investigate what I am actually separating myself from when desiring to not be alone and give it back to myself to stand self-sufficient and self-fulfilling.