Day 261 - Resistance towards programming / coding

I am looking for programmer jobs and I feel resistance. I see I have judgement towards programming:

• programming is hard, I get nervous, anxious and frustrated when programming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that programming is hard, because there is so much I don't know and understand and find hard to understand. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that programming is hard, because there is so much I don't know and understand and find hard to understand - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am experiencing myself this way because of my thoughts with which I judge programming and myself, instead of simply breathing, slowing myself down and directing myself when programming. I commit myself to stop all judgments towards programming and myself when programming and simply breathe and not go into thinking/imagining about all the things I don't know yet and so on, because I am only making myself feel inferior and anxious by doing so.

• I get angry when I can't find an error or when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself and the code when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while. When and as I see myself getting angry with myself and the code when I can't find an error or when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that getting angry with myself and the code is useless and that I don't have to judge myself as inferior, stupid and fear for my "job" when I don't get something right away, because this will not help. It is a completely useless pattern. Thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when I don't understand the error/code and look at the next logical step for me to do/look at to find a solution. And if I find it complicated, I write down the points I can take to find a solutions and then simply walk them one by one, breathing and enjoying myself. Because fuck it, if I do the best that I can and if that is not enough for someone else, so be it, I can be satisfied to know I did my best.

• I feel anxious when I don't know what to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance when I don't know what to do to come to a solution. When and as I see myself fearing loosing my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance when I don't know what to do to come to a solution - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do know what is the next step I can take when I slow down, but then I start fearing that I am not fast/good enough for what other's expect of me. Thus...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be fast/good enough when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions while at the same time comparing myself to others and thinking that others would find solutions faster and so making myself feel inferior and fear that I will lose my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be fast/good enough when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions while at the same time comparing myself to others and thinking that others would find solutions faster - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this fear and comparison that I create is completely useless. It is not supportive in any way, it will not change the outcome to a positive one, I will only make myself feel anxious and inferior and sabotage myself and that is all. Thus I commit myself to not go into fear that I will not be fast/good enough and to not compare myself with others when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions, instead I just breathe, put the steps down and do them one by one while enjoying/accepting myself without judgment.

• there is so much to learn, there is always something new, different and learning is hard

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that learning is hard and make myself feel inferior and create resistance towards learning to program. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that learning is hard and make myself feel inferior and create resistance towards learning to program - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am projecting my frustration with myself when I make myself feel inferior/incompetent when I don't understand something when I think I should or that others do. Thus I commit myself to stop making myself feel angry, frustrated and inferior when I take a while to understand something, as well as I commit myself to especially in that moment when I don't understand something even after a while, to no compare myself with other and think: "others would get this by now...", as I know telling this to myself is useless, not important and will not change anything, I will only make myself feel inferior and angry and that is not necessary. So instead I rather take a moment and breathe and see what other steps I can take to get to an understanding/solution and ask others for advice as well if I can.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for advice because I compare and judge myself that I should know something already or be so smart to come to understand it myself, without help. When and as I see myself fearing to ask others for advice, because I compare and judge myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when I look at the steps I can take to understand something/solve a problem I can always asks others for advice if I think there might be thing I haven't considered yet. Besides, people usually like to help and feel smart(er) and if not that's fine. Thus I commit myself to ask for advice when I look at how I can better understand something/come to a solution, from those who I see have (more) experience than me in what I do. It's stupid not to, they've do all the work to learn something so why not be of help and give some advice. And if they don't want to I can ask why and explain how easier it is for everyone when we start to share and cooperate instead of compete.

• I don't want to sit in front of a computer most of my day

Why not? I already do it anyway. But I'd like to do something outside in nature. Some work. I can simply make notes of things I see I can do outside and go do them and get some exercise/balance, instead of sitting inside all day. So I commit myself to see what I can do outside, who I can meet and start doing something I find interesting for myself outside.

• I don't want to be the geek who drinks coffee and coke and talks only about programming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge geeks who drink coffee and coke and only talk about programming as inferior, fake, narrow minded, special and trying to be superior in their specialness, while I am actually feeling inferior to them as I don't feel like I belong to anything special and so I judge others. When and as I see myself judging geeks who drink coffee and coke and only talk about programming as inferior, fake, narrow minded, special and trying to be superior in their specialness - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that these judgments I am making are completely useless and not supportive, because I don't have to personify with geeks or cooperate in that idea that I am special because I am a geek and that that is now my label I must identify with and so on. Thus I commit myself to stop feeling inferior because I don't see myself belonging to any particular "special" group and so I can stop judging geeks and other groups as superior/inferior or stupid because they feel/think they are in some ways special while I know no one is. No need for me to judge and/or identify me or others with labels that separates me from others in some special way, even if I do the same things that fit into some label category, like "a programmer", because labels are not required and not who we are. We are Life and anyone can do anything, but we are always all just Life, living beings and so no one is fucking special.

• I don't like programming

Well, it's not that I don't like programming, it's that I don't like how I get to feel myself when I come to a problem. That's what I wrote out above. So, as I stop creating the patterns of anxiety, self-judgment and anger while programming, this point will stop by itself.

• I don't like how people group and label each other into labels like "I am a programmer", I am this and that and then build their personas and character around.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label myself and others and use this labels to make myself feel special or superior/inferior and then start judging this as stupid and projecting it onto other as if they are stupid for having certain characteristics that fit a label, while I am still the one giving/seeing/judging the labels and personifying myself with them or think I don't, where I then either feel special and superior or not special and inferior when I don't find myself as being a part of a label I'd like. When and as I see myself labeling others and/or see perceive some group of people as superior/inferior because I see that as a label, like "programmers", instead of living beings - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am creating superiority/inferiority and judgment towards others because I still put labels on them, thus I commit myself to no more identify myself or others with labels and try to compare and see who is more/less special/superior/inferior. Instead I see all people as living beings, no matter what they do or which groups they associate with or see themselves as part of.

Day 250 - Fearlesness

I have been looking at the point of fearlessness and my desire to be without fears. Bellow are the self-forgiveness points I wrote out so far.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being fearless as positive and having fear as negative and within this adding unnecessary extra judgment towards my experience of when I have fears or when I don’t. When and as I see myself defining/judging fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as negative – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that judging/defining/perceiving fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as negative will not help me be stable and self-directive, because when I start judging having fears I don't apply the solution of looking what the fear is about and stopping it, and then I just create the desire to not fear, while I fear. Thus I commit myself to stop defining fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as positive, instead I simply see it as an experience where fear either is or is not involved.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be fearless because I perceived it as something positive. When and as I see myself desiring to be fearless – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that by desiring I am just creating another layer of feelings, instead of look at the source of fears and stopping it. Thus I commit myself to no more desire to be fearless and to instead look at the source of fear that comes up and remove it with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always have fears and not be self-confident and inferior. When and as I see myself fearing that I will always have fears and not be self-confident – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this fearing the fear itself. Thus I commit myself to always make sure that I do not fear the fear itself, but instead take it as an indicator that I haven’t look at the specific point and directed it without self-sabotage/self-doubt. So I look at the point and remove all self-sabotage/self-doubt/self-judgment with self-forgiveness and direct myself in self-certainty without fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide that I would like to know how to be fearless and wonder about it, instead of looking at the cause of my fears and removing them. When and as I see myself thinking about how it would be to be fearless – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I can only make stop fears by looking self-honestly at the cause of my fears and removing it with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself that instead of wondering about how fearlessness looks like, I will find the cause of my fears and remove them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of my schoolmate when I saw her being self-confident and without fears. When and as I see myself seeing/perceiving someone being fearless and becoming jealous – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I don’t help myself by being jealous; instead I can take the moment to enjoy the self-expression of the person and realize that all it takes to stop my fears is to look at the source cause of it and remove it with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself to not create jealousy towards people I see/perceive as being fearless, but to instead enjoy the moment of self-expression with them and apply self-forgiveness on the causes for my fears that may come up within me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the point of “I don’t know how not to fear” as a justification for keeping my fears. When and as I see myself thinking “I don’t know how now to fear” – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am not being self-honest, because I know me and I know what I fear and why. Thus I commit myself to not accept the justification of “I don’t know how not to fear” and to instead have a self-honest look at the cause/source of my fears and apply self-forgiveness to let them go as I don’t need them and they don’t serve me or help me in any way.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop my fears when I see I have fears coming up while comparing myself with someone else for whom I see/perceive has no fears. When and as I see myself taking it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop fears in moment where I realize I have fears coming up – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I simply haven’t allowed myself to admit the cause/source of my fears to myself yet. Thus I commit myself to no more take it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop fears when I see fears coming up, instead I allow myself to be brutally self-honesty with myself and see the cause/source of my fears and apply self-forgiveness to let it go as I know and understand that fears don’t help or protect me at all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear and how to find the source of my fears. When and as I see myself sabotaging myself by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear and how to find out the source of my fears – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I simply have to slow down my thoughts, breathe more, write out the experience and ask more questions to see and come to the source of my fears to then remove them with self-forgiveness and let them go. Thus I commit myself to, when I see I have fears coming up, stop, breathe, slow down my thoughts and write out the experience and allow myself to be brutally self-honest and see the cause/source of my fears and then let it go with self-forgiveness.

Day 106 - Anxiety around new people and self-sabotage at school work

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to relax and be comfortable around new people I meet.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be anxious around new people. When and as I see myself being anxious around new people - I stop and breathe. I realize that this is a pattern where my mind tries to direct me through definitions, belief and reactions that I created and that I simply have to direct myself in that moment and not allow the mind to interfere. Therefore I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to be distracted with thoughts and reactions when I am around new people, instead I realize that I am equal to other people and that there are no real strangers because we are all the same as Life and I direct myself in breath to be relaxed and treat others as I would like to be.




I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself when doing school work by allowing myself to have thoughts of resistance and worry. When and as I see myself having thoughts of resistance and worry about school work - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to go into resistance and worry, instead I take a breath to stop all thoughts and direct myself to do the work and I do not accept and allow any self-sabotage through thoughts, emotions, excuses.

Day 39 - Allowing myself not to be anxious, sad and in fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use X as a place of safety and relief, instead of realizing that I am my own relief and safety and that I only blind myself from the fact that no one and nothing outside of myself can be/give me safety/relief/happiness as I can only give this to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have no partner/sex available in the future and that I will be alone. I realize that I do not need others in order to be safe and enjoy myself. When and as I see myself going into fear of having no partner/sex in the future - I stop and breathe. Instead I realize that I always have myself here in the breath and that this is all I need to enjoy myself because my fears that I create are not real and thus I allow myself to stop creating fears and negative emotions in relation to having no partner/sex and being alone in the future.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the fear of having no partner/sex and being alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop defining the situation of having no partner/sex and being alone as sad, bad, meaningless, pointless, depressing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself being alone/having no partner/sex. I realize that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know myself, be with myself and learn to be self-sufficient, self-directive and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the fear of not meeting X again and ever having sex with X again have control over me. I realize that I must not let this fear to have control over me as I will with this enslave myself into this fear and diminish myself. I realize that this fear is not real and so I breathe, stop myself and do not accept and allow this fear of not meeting/having sex with X again to have control over me and/or direct me in any way.

I realize that I can stop all my fears because the fear I create is not me as who I really am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can simply stop creating fear with breathing and not participating in the mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to do my homework if I stay at X's place and don't go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot concentrate and be effective and do my homework if I stay at X's place and don't go home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the resistance to do the homework at X's place will be/is too strong for me to do my homework and that this resistance will go away when I am at my place.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the fear of failure when I am having trouble with homework or something that I have to do. I realize that I am creating this fear because I do not take self-responsibility to do what it takes to be successful and finish what I have to do. When and as I see myself going into fear of failure - I stop and breathe. Instead I allow myself to stop the fear and direct myself here in the breath and find the solution to solve the problem and do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop creating resistances towards doing homework or studying.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop searching for distractions in environment with which I could justify my emotions/resistances and so not take self-responsibility to stop this emotions/resistances and focus on the tasks that I have to do. When and as I see myself searching/looking for distractions and justifications for my emotions/resistances when I have to do my tasks - I stop and breath. Instead I remain here in the breath and direct myself to do the tasks while being aware that I can simply stop all fears/resistances/emotions through breathing and knowing that I am with every breath allowing myself to simply be here and not create any fears/resistances/emotions.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad, depressed and anxious if I am home alone and there is no-one I could talk to. I realize that I hide myself from these feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety when I want to talk to others so that I would not have to face them and take self-responsibility for them. When and as I see myself getting sad, depressed and anxious I simply allow myself to stop manifesting these emotions through breathing and enjoy myself here in the breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stop the feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety when I am home alone and/or have no-one to talk to.

I forgive myself NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not need other people in order to make the feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety go away as with this I only hide myself from the fact that I create them. Thus I realize that I do not need them and I allow myself to stop them with breathing and I allow myself to not recreate them as I know that creating and identifying myself with these feelings is pointless.

Day 20 - Relationship points: fear and anxiety

How do I experience fear and anxiety?
I fear the future, fear of not having enough money, fear of not knowing what to do, fear of not having anyone to help me. Fear of being rejected by everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and anxiety when thinking about ending my relationship with her and not being/living with her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect aloneness to fear and anxiety where I picture myself living alone in a small apartment and having no friends and no one to talk to/hang out with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect aloneness to sadness, sorrow, depression, failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine how the future could be like if I live with her and if I don’t and to compare it in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future by thinking about how the future could be like if I am alone and not with her.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I am able to take care of myself no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not have enough money someday in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not know what to do.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I will always find a practical solution for my problems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have no one to help me and in this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself that I will always be able to either help myself or find help.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that all will reject me and I will be alone until I die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind my partner by not taking complete self-responsibility to stand as self-sufficient and self-fulfilling human being as Life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my partner by letting her do things for me that I can do myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too lazy and uninterested to direct and move myself here in self-responsibility, but instead rather letting my partner do things for me and taking care of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do things for myself and take care of myself alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect having a partner to secure and safe future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to secure my future through my partner instead of taking self-responsibility for myself and trusting myself that I am able to live effectively myself alone, without the help of my partner.

I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for myself and not rely on others but take care of me myself alone.