Day 207 - Gaming and work - redefining fun

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I see how I still fall for the emotional polarity experience towards gaming and work. When I game or think about it, I experience these positively charged emotions: excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation, achievement and winning.
In relation to work and doing what needs to be done, I experience more of an emotionally negative resistance. I cannot seem to find a more specific word for it. It is a mixture of me justifying that work is not fun because mostly I do not feel any positive feelings while working and the point that I judge myself and make myself nervous and frustrated when I have a hard time thinking about what the solutions are for the problem that I have to solve.
I also see a difference between work and gaming, where in a game, I can learn and master all the controls quickly and then it is just a matter of trying until I achieve the goal or do something that I consider awesome because I cannot do that in real life. While at work, it is much harder the master all the "controls" and tools that I can use, because the real world is much more complicated and so one needs a lot more practice and patience. I see now why we (our minds) like games so much. It is because games work more like our minds, where everything can be done quickly, where you can "achieve" something quickly and get the fix of excitement or a sense of winning and achieving something. While in real life, this goes much slower and requires one to put a lot more work into something in order to achieve a goal. Therefore this addiction to gaming is basically an addiction towards the mentioned positive feelings and a sense of quick "achievement", because one gets too lazy to actually work for the goals and achievements in real life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play games in order to create for myself the feeling of quick "achievement", excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation and winning / superiority, where I would then feel more of me as being something more and better than what I was before playing the game. When and as I see myself playing games in order to create for myself the quick positive feelings - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this creating the positive polarity in relation to gaming - work, where I will then feel the opposite emotions towards real life work. I commit myself to make sure that I do not participate in gaming from the starting point of creating the quick positive feelings of "achievement", excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation and winning / superiority. Instead I commit myself to immediately apply self-forgiveness on such desires within the realization that I will be much more effective on all levels when I stop defining and separating activities into either work or gaming, where one has to be fun and the other not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define fun as a positive experience of feelings, such as excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation, achievement, winning, relaxation. I see and realize that this definition of the word fun does not support me as I am creating an energetic polarity of good and bad with it and so making myself unstable and ineffective. Thus I commit myself to no more define the word fun according to the positive polarity feelings, such as excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation, achievement, winning, relaxation.

Word redefinition: fun

Dictionary definition:
: someone or something that is amusing or enjoyable : an enjoyable experience or person
: an enjoyable or amusing time
: the feeling of being amused or entertained

Creative writing:
Fun sounds like fond, which means having a liking towards something or someone. This also means that I am close to what I am fond of, like being it or liking to be as what I am fond of. And since being fond of something is just me experiencing me in relation to what I perceive I am fond of, I am basically in that just being fond of myself, close to myself, liking myself as who I am in relation towards myself in that moment, thus having, creating and being fun / fond.

New definition:
Fun: intimately being and accepting myself in breath, without blame, judgment and (energetic) polarity, in relation to myself and what I am doing in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to exist within and as the negative polarity of resistance and not having fun when I am working. When and as I see myself believing that I am not or cannot have fun while working and doing something that has to be done - I stop and breathe. I remind myself of the realization of what fun really is and how I have redefined the word and within this commit myself to always make sure that I create fun for myself no matter what I work on, where I am and what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to come up with justification for why I cannot have fun. When and as I see myself creating justifications in my mind for why I cannot have/create fun for myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that only I decide to create and be fun and that this is never conditioned by something outside of myself. Thus I commit myself to always make sure that I do not accept and create justifications for why I cannot create fun for myself. Instead I make sure that I am the directive principle of creating and being fun no matter where I am or what I do.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only get fun by someone / something else and that fun is conditioned by my exterior conditions. When and as I see myself thinking / believing that I can only get fun by someone / something outside of myself and that fun is conditioned by my exterior environment - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am the one always creating fun for myself by applying the redefined fun that is not energetically polarized. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not participate in the polarized fun, but to instead make sure that I practically live and create the redefine fun for myself no matter where I am, what I am doing, what I have to do and who I am with.

Day 12 - Comedian character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a comedian character in order to bring myself and others into a happy mood. I realize that 'happy mood' is the polarity feeling of the 'unhappy mood' which are both feeling/emotions that I don't need at all in order to enjoy myself here in the physical. When and as I see myself wanting/wishing/desiring to be and bring others to 'happy mood' - I stop and I breathe. Instead I forgive myself for existing/going into the mind polarity of positive/negative feelings/emotions and simply stay here in the breath and enjoy moving/directing myself within/as the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I use the comedian character to suppress the negative emotions I am in by changing them into positive feelings and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the comedian character as a suppression method so that I wouldn't have to face/deal/take responsibility for my negative emotions. When and as I see myself going into/being in a comedian character in order to suppress the negative emotions and create positive feelings - I stop and I breathe. Instead I investigate the cause of my negative emotions and I remove it with self-forgiveness and self-correction and I stay here in the breath and enjoy moving/directing myself within/as the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I use the comedian character every time I feel embarrassed/'less than' as a defense mechanism to make fun out of myself where others can laugh at me and I see/perceive myself as the 'winner' as I can say that this was my intention, while I actually did that so that others wouldn't laugh about my embarrassment/inferiority because then I would feel even more embarrassed/inferior. When and as I see myself using the comedian character as a defense mechanism when I feel embarrassed/'less than' - I stop and I breathe. Instead I look at the point of embarrassment/feeling 'less than' and I remove the point with self-forgiveness and self-correction and I stay here in the breathe enjoying moving/directing myself within/as the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the comedian character to 'break the silence' when I am with people and nobody talks because I feel awkward as I am afraid that others will judge me when in fact I judge myself and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel awkward when I am silent when being with other people. When and as I see myself wanting to use the comedian character to 'break the silence' when I am with other people - I stop and I breathe. Instead I look at where do I judge myself for being silent and I remove the points with self-forgiveness and self-correction and stay here in the breathe enjoying moving/directing myself within/as the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into backchat of self-judgment when I am silent while with other people and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge/define/see/perceive myself as a boring, weird, stupid, lame, inferior, limited, mentally challenged, less than, unsocial, outsider, unaccepted, loner, loser, 'special in a bad way' person when I am silent with other people. When and as I see myself going into backchat judging myself when being silent with other people - I stop and I breathe. Instead I apply self-forgiveness and self correction for every point that comes up and I stay here in the breath and enjoy myself moving/directing myself here in the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the comedian character as a way to be accepted/liked by other people and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to make myself be liked/accepted by other people instead of just me accepting/liking myself. When and as I see myself using the comedian character as a way to be accepted/liked by other people - I stop and I breathe. Instead I accept and like myself as Life here in thy physical as one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind laughter whenever I feel embarrassed or find something embarrassing. When and as I see myself hiding behind laughter when I feel embarrassed or find something embarrassing - I stop and I breathe. Instead I look at what is the cause of my embarrassment and I remove the point with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to laugh at and make fun out of things I find unpractical/noncommonsensical and think/believe/perceive that I can do nothing about them. I realize that this is how I abdicate my self-responsibility towards standing as a solution. When and as I see myself laughing at and make fun out of things I find unpractical/noncommonsensical - I stop and I breathe. instead I investigate the point in common sense and find/pointing out/stand for practical solutions according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/define/perceive myself as a comedian/funny person and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that being a comedian/funny person is a part of my personality as who I really am. I realize that a comedian/funny person character is just a character that I created for myself and does not define me as who I really am as Life here. When and as I see myself seeing/defining/perceiving myself through the comedian/funny person character/personality and thinking/believing that this is who I actually am - I stop and I breathe. Instead I stop defining/seeing myself as a comedian/funny character and stay here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my personality(-ies)/characters are me as who I really am, instead of realizing that I learned/created/adopted my characters/personalities that have nothing to do with who I actually really am as Life here, meaning I only make up/carry/hide behind characters/personalities in order to not have to face me and be self-responsible for who I actually really am as Life here in the physical in oneness and equality. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that the character/personality I am in is actually who I really am - I stop and I breathe. Instead I observe and investigate how/why I have created the character I am in and I stop defining myself according to the character and remove it with self-forgiveness and self-correction and stay here in the breathe, enjoying directing myself withing/as the physical in common sense and according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that others speak about me and who I really am when they judge/compare/define me/speak about me as a personality, while in fact they only speak about my characters/personalities and project their own characters/personalities onto me, meaning they don't actually speak/talk about who I really actually am here as Life in the physical, they only show me my characters/personalities and their character/personalities that are not real and can be removed. Therefore judging myself/others and their character/personalities is pointless and unnecessary as this characters/personalities do not represent beings as Life as who we really are, but only who we accepted and allowed ourselves to become through the illusion of the energy of the mind/feelings/emotions and so this characters/personalities can/will be removed by ourselves or by death and there is no point in waiting for death as then it is too late as we no longer actually exist here in the physical and Life can only actually exist here in the physical as the physical is superior to the mind and everything else in every way and so everything else is just an illusion that can end in any moment.

Therefore, instead of judging/comparing my character/personalities and those of others - I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to not judge/blame characters/personalities but stay here in the breath and stop and let go of my characters/personalities through writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction so that I can stand as the physical character in every breath and support others in removing their character so that we can all be/become Life here in the physical and live in common sense and according to what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop and let go of all my characters/personalities and to only accept and allow myself to be that what I really am as Life here in the physical in oneness and equality.