Day 269 - Expecting a job but being rejected

My previous blog is in Slovene.

I had a job interview a few weeks back where it looked like I got the job. They said they will call me back as they will also employ another one after the interviews. So I anticipated that I will start working soon and I was happy about it since I was looking for a job for half a year already. Then after a few days I called them and they they said everything is fine, that I should wait. Then I called them again after two weeks and then they told me they chose two other candidates. I was quite surprised as I was sure I will get the job, since I already worked in this company for a year once, before I continued to study, and I also got the scholarship. They said another guy had more references, though I doubt that this was the reason. It doesn't matter anyway. So I was quite surprised and through the day I noticed some reactions coming up that I will write out and direct here, so that I don't suppress them, as I would only sabotage myself by not taking self-responsibility to support myself effectively.

I didn't get the job I anticipated, so how do I feel about it?
I am surprised and disappointed. Why was I not good enough? I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not a proper man, because I don't have a regular job. I'm angry with myself that I was naive and that I didn't make more effort. I feel scared that I will not be bale to earn enough money to do what I want. I fear that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel surprised and disappointed, because I didn't get the job I expected. When and as I see myself feeling surprised and disappointed for not getting the job I expected - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that there is no point in creating the negative emotional experience of disappointment when I don't get the job I expected, as I am not being supportive towards myself by feeling this way and judging myself as inferior. Instead I commit myself to focus on other opportunities and what else I can do to earn more money and be more interesting for employers.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel, judge and define myself as inferior, because I was rejected for the job I wanted/expected. When and as I see myself feeling, judging and defining myself as inferior, because I was rejected for a job I wanted/expected - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am not supporting myself with judging and defining myself as inferior and by accepting and allowing to feel inferior to others when I get rejected for the job I wanted/expected. Instead I commit myself to look at what else I can do to improve myself and be more attractive to employers and to be able to earn more money myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not a proper man if I do not have a regular job. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am not a proper man if I do not have a regular job - I stop and breathe. I realize that such self- judgement/definition is not real and not supportive, because I only make myself feel inferior with it. Thus I commit myself to not judge myself or others as not proper men/women if I/they do not have a regular job, instead I understand that we live in a system/time that is not supportive and where many people cannot have a regular job, so this does not mean in any way that I am/they are inferior or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project my anger for not getting the job towards the people at the company. When and as I see myself projecting my anger towards the people at the company or anyone else, because I did not get the job - I stop and breathe. I realize that this anger is anger towards myself for being naive, having the expectation and then feeling disappointed and judging myself for not doing better. Thus I commit myself to not project anger towards the people at the company, but to look at what about myself I am angry about and stopping the anger and transforming it into self-support.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for being naive and creating the anticipation of getting the job and then feeling disappointed for not getting it and blaming myself as inferior. When and as I see myself being angry with myself for being naive and creating anticipation for getting a job when then I don't and then judging myself as inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that being judgmental and angry towards myself, where I look for flaws in myself and things I could do better and then hold them against me and use them to define me as inferior and not good enough and so bully myself with such thoughts and emotions - are not supportive, because I bring myself down by doing so, instead of supporting me to also see my strengths, what I learned and what new opportunities I can create and walk. Thus I commit myself to be supportive towards myself when not getting a job I anticipated, to not go into self-bullying character, but look at what I learned and what new opportunities I can create and walk.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel scared that I will not be able to earn enough money to do what I want. When and as I see myself feeling scared that I will not be able to earn enough money to do what I want - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that me scaring myself with paranoia and going into worst case scenario imaginations is not supportive, because with this I only see negative events, instead of also the opportunities and the fact that I can never lose myself and that at the same time I am all that I need in order to create new opportunities. Thus I commit myself to stand within the realization that I cannot lose myself, that I am always here and all I need to create new opportunities for myself to earn money and so, instead of going into paranoia worst case negative imaginations, I rather focus on new opportunities and what I can do to be better at earning money / finding or creating a job for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me, because I don't have a regular job and enough money. When and as I see myself fearing that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me, because I don't have a regular job and enough money - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that my partner can always leave me and that my fear has nothing to do with how much money I have or my partner, but that I fear losing something I see/project onto my partner and not yet give to myself. Thus I commit myself to investigate all things I project and see in my partner and fear losing, so that I will stop creating such fears of losing my partner for whatever reason and rather focus on giving to myself and my partner what I perceived I can only get from my partner and so, being the best support for myself and my partner, where I am aware that fearing to lose my partner is not supportive for myself or my partner and so there is no point to creating it.

Day 207 - Gaming and work - redefining fun

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I see how I still fall for the emotional polarity experience towards gaming and work. When I game or think about it, I experience these positively charged emotions: excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation, achievement and winning.
In relation to work and doing what needs to be done, I experience more of an emotionally negative resistance. I cannot seem to find a more specific word for it. It is a mixture of me justifying that work is not fun because mostly I do not feel any positive feelings while working and the point that I judge myself and make myself nervous and frustrated when I have a hard time thinking about what the solutions are for the problem that I have to solve.
I also see a difference between work and gaming, where in a game, I can learn and master all the controls quickly and then it is just a matter of trying until I achieve the goal or do something that I consider awesome because I cannot do that in real life. While at work, it is much harder the master all the "controls" and tools that I can use, because the real world is much more complicated and so one needs a lot more practice and patience. I see now why we (our minds) like games so much. It is because games work more like our minds, where everything can be done quickly, where you can "achieve" something quickly and get the fix of excitement or a sense of winning and achieving something. While in real life, this goes much slower and requires one to put a lot more work into something in order to achieve a goal. Therefore this addiction to gaming is basically an addiction towards the mentioned positive feelings and a sense of quick "achievement", because one gets too lazy to actually work for the goals and achievements in real life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play games in order to create for myself the feeling of quick "achievement", excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation and winning / superiority, where I would then feel more of me as being something more and better than what I was before playing the game. When and as I see myself playing games in order to create for myself the quick positive feelings - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this creating the positive polarity in relation to gaming - work, where I will then feel the opposite emotions towards real life work. I commit myself to make sure that I do not participate in gaming from the starting point of creating the quick positive feelings of "achievement", excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation and winning / superiority. Instead I commit myself to immediately apply self-forgiveness on such desires within the realization that I will be much more effective on all levels when I stop defining and separating activities into either work or gaming, where one has to be fun and the other not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define fun as a positive experience of feelings, such as excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation, achievement, winning, relaxation. I see and realize that this definition of the word fun does not support me as I am creating an energetic polarity of good and bad with it and so making myself unstable and ineffective. Thus I commit myself to no more define the word fun according to the positive polarity feelings, such as excitement, exhilaration, expectation, anticipation, elation, achievement, winning, relaxation.

Word redefinition: fun

Dictionary definition:
: someone or something that is amusing or enjoyable : an enjoyable experience or person
: an enjoyable or amusing time
: the feeling of being amused or entertained

Creative writing:
Fun sounds like fond, which means having a liking towards something or someone. This also means that I am close to what I am fond of, like being it or liking to be as what I am fond of. And since being fond of something is just me experiencing me in relation to what I perceive I am fond of, I am basically in that just being fond of myself, close to myself, liking myself as who I am in relation towards myself in that moment, thus having, creating and being fun / fond.

New definition:
Fun: intimately being and accepting myself in breath, without blame, judgment and (energetic) polarity, in relation to myself and what I am doing in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to exist within and as the negative polarity of resistance and not having fun when I am working. When and as I see myself believing that I am not or cannot have fun while working and doing something that has to be done - I stop and breathe. I remind myself of the realization of what fun really is and how I have redefined the word and within this commit myself to always make sure that I create fun for myself no matter what I work on, where I am and what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to come up with justification for why I cannot have fun. When and as I see myself creating justifications in my mind for why I cannot have/create fun for myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that only I decide to create and be fun and that this is never conditioned by something outside of myself. Thus I commit myself to always make sure that I do not accept and create justifications for why I cannot create fun for myself. Instead I make sure that I am the directive principle of creating and being fun no matter where I am or what I do.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only get fun by someone / something else and that fun is conditioned by my exterior conditions. When and as I see myself thinking / believing that I can only get fun by someone / something outside of myself and that fun is conditioned by my exterior environment - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am the one always creating fun for myself by applying the redefined fun that is not energetically polarized. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I do not participate in the polarized fun, but to instead make sure that I practically live and create the redefine fun for myself no matter where I am, what I am doing, what I have to do and who I am with.

Day 132 - Making other's judgments my own & fear of people with expectations

Today a passed some activists standing by the booth that were collecting signatures for a cause that I already defined as negative and so judgments came up about them and also fear of someone wanting something from me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge people standing by the booth according to my predefined judgments of the cause itself as being negative, worthless and unnecessary. When and as I see myself judging people according to my preconceived ideas and judgments - I stop and breath. I realize that I don't have to judge anyone as this only creates emotions. Therefore I commit myself to stop all judgement towards other people and to see them simply as human beings like myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to judge the cause as negative, worthless and unnecessary and to through this judgment create negative emotion of anger towards it. When and as I see myself creating the emotions of anger based on judgments - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to judge and be angry at anything because this does not solve anything, it only creates emotions. I commit myself to be aware of any judgments towards people and things that come up within me and to stop all such judgments with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments of something / someone as my own and simply believe them. When and as I see other people making judgments about people / things and me believing them and taking them as my own - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to believe and take other people's judgments as my own because I only create beliefs and emotions with this. Therefore I commit myself to be aware when other's make judgments so that I do not take them as my own.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of strangers who want something from me. When and as I see myself reacting with fear to someone who I perceive wants something from me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to fear anyone who wants something from me because there is no point in the emotions of fear as it only creates energy for the mind. Therefore I commit myself to be aware of situations where I perceive that someone will want something from me and to not be afraid of such situations, instead I forgive the fear, take a few slow breaths and direct myself in relaxed in breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear of talking to someone / a stranger who I perceive will want something from me by looking away from the person, trying to avoid the confrontation of the fear, instead of just not accepting the fear in the first place. When and as I see a fear of confronting someone who I perceive will want something from me coming up - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not have to create and accept the fear of others who I perceive will want something from me because this emotion of fear is useless anyway. Therefore I commit myself to be aware of moments where this fear comes up and forgive it immediately and direct myself to not accept it, to not try to look away or avoid confrontation, but to instead direct myself in breath and do the opposite by confronting it when reasonable.