Day 269 - Expecting a job but being rejected

My previous blog is in Slovene.

I had a job interview a few weeks back where it looked like I got the job. They said they will call me back as they will also employ another one after the interviews. So I anticipated that I will start working soon and I was happy about it since I was looking for a job for half a year already. Then after a few days I called them and they they said everything is fine, that I should wait. Then I called them again after two weeks and then they told me they chose two other candidates. I was quite surprised as I was sure I will get the job, since I already worked in this company for a year once, before I continued to study, and I also got the scholarship. They said another guy had more references, though I doubt that this was the reason. It doesn't matter anyway. So I was quite surprised and through the day I noticed some reactions coming up that I will write out and direct here, so that I don't suppress them, as I would only sabotage myself by not taking self-responsibility to support myself effectively.

I didn't get the job I anticipated, so how do I feel about it?
I am surprised and disappointed. Why was I not good enough? I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not a proper man, because I don't have a regular job. I'm angry with myself that I was naive and that I didn't make more effort. I feel scared that I will not be bale to earn enough money to do what I want. I fear that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel surprised and disappointed, because I didn't get the job I expected. When and as I see myself feeling surprised and disappointed for not getting the job I expected - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that there is no point in creating the negative emotional experience of disappointment when I don't get the job I expected, as I am not being supportive towards myself by feeling this way and judging myself as inferior. Instead I commit myself to focus on other opportunities and what else I can do to earn more money and be more interesting for employers.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel, judge and define myself as inferior, because I was rejected for the job I wanted/expected. When and as I see myself feeling, judging and defining myself as inferior, because I was rejected for a job I wanted/expected - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am not supporting myself with judging and defining myself as inferior and by accepting and allowing to feel inferior to others when I get rejected for the job I wanted/expected. Instead I commit myself to look at what else I can do to improve myself and be more attractive to employers and to be able to earn more money myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not a proper man if I do not have a regular job. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am not a proper man if I do not have a regular job - I stop and breathe. I realize that such self- judgement/definition is not real and not supportive, because I only make myself feel inferior with it. Thus I commit myself to not judge myself or others as not proper men/women if I/they do not have a regular job, instead I understand that we live in a system/time that is not supportive and where many people cannot have a regular job, so this does not mean in any way that I am/they are inferior or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project my anger for not getting the job towards the people at the company. When and as I see myself projecting my anger towards the people at the company or anyone else, because I did not get the job - I stop and breathe. I realize that this anger is anger towards myself for being naive, having the expectation and then feeling disappointed and judging myself for not doing better. Thus I commit myself to not project anger towards the people at the company, but to look at what about myself I am angry about and stopping the anger and transforming it into self-support.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for being naive and creating the anticipation of getting the job and then feeling disappointed for not getting it and blaming myself as inferior. When and as I see myself being angry with myself for being naive and creating anticipation for getting a job when then I don't and then judging myself as inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that being judgmental and angry towards myself, where I look for flaws in myself and things I could do better and then hold them against me and use them to define me as inferior and not good enough and so bully myself with such thoughts and emotions - are not supportive, because I bring myself down by doing so, instead of supporting me to also see my strengths, what I learned and what new opportunities I can create and walk. Thus I commit myself to be supportive towards myself when not getting a job I anticipated, to not go into self-bullying character, but look at what I learned and what new opportunities I can create and walk.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel scared that I will not be able to earn enough money to do what I want. When and as I see myself feeling scared that I will not be able to earn enough money to do what I want - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that me scaring myself with paranoia and going into worst case scenario imaginations is not supportive, because with this I only see negative events, instead of also the opportunities and the fact that I can never lose myself and that at the same time I am all that I need in order to create new opportunities. Thus I commit myself to stand within the realization that I cannot lose myself, that I am always here and all I need to create new opportunities for myself to earn money and so, instead of going into paranoia worst case negative imaginations, I rather focus on new opportunities and what I can do to be better at earning money / finding or creating a job for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me, because I don't have a regular job and enough money. When and as I see myself fearing that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me, because I don't have a regular job and enough money - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that my partner can always leave me and that my fear has nothing to do with how much money I have or my partner, but that I fear losing something I see/project onto my partner and not yet give to myself. Thus I commit myself to investigate all things I project and see in my partner and fear losing, so that I will stop creating such fears of losing my partner for whatever reason and rather focus on giving to myself and my partner what I perceived I can only get from my partner and so, being the best support for myself and my partner, where I am aware that fearing to lose my partner is not supportive for myself or my partner and so there is no point to creating it.

My Declaration of Principle: 23. The realization that for me to be able to contribute to change - I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world

The 23rd principle I commit myself to live by is the realization that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth.

This means I investigate myself and the human mind and how we work as human beings and how in this way we create the outer world as a reflection of our minds. I investigate how the world systems work, such as the monetary system and money creation, as this is the core tool that is now being used to control and manipulate everything. I investigate how to implement effective and transparent direct democracy, healthy food production, sustainable manufacturing and other systems needed to ensure that we can all live a dignified Life.

I investigate the history of money and law through Gemstone University, I investigate and participate in politics through the ZEO group I co-founded where I promote and lead by example: self-responsibility and living according to the principle of 'do onto another as you would like to be done onto in another's place', transparency, direct democracy with representatives and a guaranteed living income.

I investigate technology and new ways of free energy generation with Keshe magrav generators.

I always keep an open mind for possible better solutions and I make sure I consider and investigate everything and keep what is good.

And within all this, I am always aware that the most important thing is that I investigate myself and my starting point when I do something, so that I can ensure that my efforts are towards what is best for all Life here.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

My Declaration of Principle: 22. The realization that for me to be able to change myself - I first have to ‘know thyself’

The 22nd principle I commit myself to live by is the realization that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all.

I am doing this through self-honest writing here on my blog and in private, as well as with the help of my buddy in the DIP course, where I also learn the most effective tools for self-support and self-improvement. While doing so I also offer my assistance to others who want to better themselves so that we can all move faster in creating a world that is best for all and not keep reinventing the wheel while doing so.

The tools I use in investigating my mind (i.e. my thoughts, feelings and emotions) and the consequential behavioral patterns are among others: self-aware breathing, self-honest writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

In this way I uncover for myself the patterns within my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind that consists of automated thought patterns and energetic reactions that result in emotional and feeling experiences in my body and then also automatic behavioral patterns that are not supportive for me or people around me. Thus we can call them self-sabotage patterns that I have (and each human has) created and copied from my (his/her) parents or others.

When I see these patterns for what they are, I check if they are supportive for me and others and if I am living them self-directively in awareness. If not, then I forgive myself for not being self-responsible and I write and determine a correction for myself. A new pattern that I will live instead of the old one, this time aligned with what is best for all and so for me as well.

I have noticed and proven to myself how beneficial it is for me to take time each day to write and reflect on my patterns and give myself clear direction. Thus I commit myself to make sure that I self-honestly do my best to apply all of the above every day in writing as well as in breath, as I understand that this is the greatest support I can gift to myself and no one else can ever do it for me.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

My Declaration of Principle: 21. We are the change in ourselves and this world

The 21st principle I commit myself to live by is based in the realization that we are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realize this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without.

Basically, if I don't change, nothing will change. I must not wait for others to change, I must do it myself and be a living example. I can only help make the world a better place for all if I become better in how I live and treat others. I must not only change for myself nad stop there, I must also help others to see how they can change and start living a better life, aligned with what is best for all and therefore best for themselves. This is the only way we can create a world in which we all make sure that everyone has a dignified and fun Life. Anything less is not acceptable.

I see that in being the change I want to see in the world, I obviously cannot stand as that change in every aspect of society, because I can only do so much. But this does not mean that I should make excuses to not stand as the change wherever I can and in every moment of my breath, wherever I am and whoever I am with.

Where am I already being the change? I have stopped drinking alcohol and do not smoke and eat meat only occasionally, I write blogs where I support by self-honest investigation of my patterns and how to improve myslef, I share them with others so that anyone can see how one can change, I am sharing other's blogs and supportive interviews on the internet, I am being active in sharing and developing political (ZEO) and economic oriented solutions (SPURT), I am participating and learning how to implement the new Keshe technologies for free energy and health regeneration, I am being a buddy to anyone who participated in the DIP self-support courses. There are quite a few areas where I am already standing as change, though what I see is that I am not being as consistent in standing as I could and want to be.

Thus I commit myself to make sure that I am constantly directing myself towards being the stable change that is required and to keep reducing my patterns of postponement and procrastination and to keep on stopping my addictive emotional/feeling patterns through which I chase some selfish and unsupportive energetic experience and also to stop coming up with excuses for why not to change wherever I see I can change and become more self-directive and stable as a living example of what is best for all and so for me.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

My Declaration of Principle: 20. Realising That My Physical Body Is My Temple

The 20th principle I am committing myself to live by is the realization that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me.

By caring for me as my body, I will also care for others and their bodies. This requires physical movement that is supportive for me and others, like exercising, eating healthy and making sure we all respect each other's temples in this way. Thus there is no need for any other temples, like churches, because by believing that a temple is something separate from ourselves, from our bodies, we make ourselves inferior and take away the power we have to be self-directive in every moment and do what is best for all.

If I want to physically live what is best for all and thus me, I first have to do what is best for my body and be a living example of how to take care of myself and support myself as a physical being. Thus I will be able to assist others to do the same. I realized that the way I think about myself and the world is the mind patterns that I create are the root cause of my practical living patterns that I live out each day that are not supportive for my temple and so others. Thus I commit myself to be self-honest and look at my mind-patterns that I have created for myself through thinking and being emotional and using the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to realign my mind patterns with the common sense of the physical. I commit to change my behavior that is not supportive for my temple and so the temple of others by firstly changing my mind-patterns of thinking by realigning them to what is practically best for my body and all bodies. I will do this by changing my behavior to see what works best for all and I will take what is good and stop and prevent what is not.

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

Day 267 - Sex & Shame

Someone mentioned a point of shame one experienced in relation to sex and I realized that I have the same point that I haven't yet released with self-forgiveness. I never mentioned this point to anyone yet as I was too ashamed to share it and I thought that I am probably one of the rare people who experienced it, so I was afraid that others might judge me as well and look at me like there is something wrong with me. I used to think the same way about many experiences I had in my life, but the more I shared myself with others, the more I realized that most people experience the same or very similar things. In any case, judging oneself and feeling ashamed does not help in any way, it is an emotion we create with our thoughts that we then suppress into our subconscious mind and carry with us as a burden. Then such points accumulate and because there is energetic/emotional tension behind them, this can lead to actual physical health problems in our bodies, because we keep the energy inside, instead of releasing it though self-forgiveness.

So the point of shame I am talking about is related to sex. Specifically how, when I was a teenager, I sometimes could hear my parents having sex in the next room. I was often masturbating as well and for some reason, hearing my parents having sex got me aroused as well. It was the idea that someone is actually having sex and my desire to experience it as well, because I haven't yet at that time. The realization that the ones having sex were my parents was repulsive to me, but if I ignored that part, I was actually aroused and sometimes masturbated because of it. Then I started to judge myself as disgusting, bad, messed up in my head for doing it. I didn't know anything about feelings and emotions and desires or hot to use self-forgiveness to stop those experiences at that time, so I just suppressed it. And because my self-judgement for what I done was so strong, I didn't dare bring it up and speak about it with anyone yet. This is why it is such a great support when you have someone (like a buddy you get in the DIP course) that you know will not judge you, so that you can open suppressed points and bring them up, look at them and forgive yourself for the judgments and release the energetic tension from your subconscious mind that eventually causes health problems. I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements I see are relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get aroused by the idea that someone/my parents is having sex somewhere close to me, where I would then go into imagination and imagine how it would be if I had sex in that moment, so creating energy in my mind and feel the need to release it through masturbation, instead of remaining here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself wish/want/desire to hear the sounds of someone/my parents having sex in the next room and (ab)use them as a trigger point of my own arousal, where I would then use my imagination to imagine that I am having sex with a woman and through that create an energetic arousal within myself that I would use in masturbation to get an orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a bad person, messed up in the head, disrespectful and sick for listening to my parents having sex and using the situation to get aroused myself and then use my imagination to pretend I am having sex and then masturbate to get an orgasm. When and as I see myself judging myself for masturbating when I heard my parents having sex - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that such judgement and feeling ashamed is not useful in any way, because I can only create unpleasant physical consequences for my body by suppressing such points and judging myself for them. I realize that I did not understand my mind and arousal and how it all works at that time as I do now, thus I can now see that we all, when we go into imagination to get aroused, (ab)use different situations, pictures and ideas, just to get ourselves energetically stimulated and get an orgasm, instead of actually being here in the breathe and only stimulate ourselves physically, without using the mind imagination, when we decide to masturbate or actually have sex with another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to share with others how I experienced myself as aroused when hearing my parents having sex and then masturbating and to think/believe/perceive that because I did that, this somehow makes me inferior and that I have to feel ashamed because of it and be punished. I realize that such judgement towards myself or anyone else who had the same experience is not helpful in any way as it only makes me/another to suppress the experience and go into even more judgement, instead of releasing it. Thus I commit myself that I will share this experience, when relevant, without judging myself as bad and without feeling ashamed, as I understand that the fact that I experienced it does not mean I am in any way inferior or having to be punished or feel ashamed, as this is not supportive and is (self) abuse as well. Thus the correction is to release all judgement and shame and apply the correction to not (ab)use the imagination to get arouse and have orgasms, but to instead practice physical exploration of sex when masturbating or when with another and learn to enjoy sex physically, without all the unnecessary (self-)judgement and shame that we have created in our society around sex.

Day 266 - Fearing negative reactions from strangers

Today I'll look at the point I've noticed when I attended a tattoo convention for the first time not long ago. I don't know much about tattoos and I had some negative judgments and fears towards. Like, I don't quite understand why would someone want to have a long lasting tattoo, I think even if I had one I would probably not find it interesting anymore after a while, so why make it permanent? I also have concerns that the ink being used is toxic for the body and may cause discomfort or some serious illness later on. But I decided to give myself the opportunity to go to a local tattoo convention and see up close how getting a tattoo looks like and what I might find interesting about it that I didn't see before, but also to stop fearing people with lots of tattoos and stop judging them. I used to see them as more violent, criminal, dangerous, drug abusing. Even if most were inclined to be like this, I would be unnecessarily limiting myself by prejudging them and avoiding them, because I would not allow myself to really get to know each person with tattoos before I make any judgement about them. So this is the correction I am making. But what I noticed while being on the convention is something else:

While walking among the booths where tattoo artists were showing their art and some people got their tattoos made, I noticed I went into a fearful/shy character, where I did not feel relaxed and rather avoided speaking to the artists and asking them questions, because I felt like I know so little about the art of tattoo making that whatever I would ask or say, I would look stupid and everyone would know that I am a "noob", someone who doesn't know anything about it. I made myself feel inferior and ashamed by simply allowing a few such thoughts to come up in my mind, which cause me to change my behavior and so, because of fear, become very limited in my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking with tattoo artists and ask them questions because I feared being see as a noob and judged inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior and feel ashamed when I think/perceive that I am a noob who knows nothing about a topic and by doing so, limit myself to not speak and not ask questions and try to shy away, so that nobody would notice that I don't know anything. When and as I see myself avoiding speaking with tattoo artists/people because of judging myself as inferior and feeling ashamed when I think/perceive that I am a noob who know nothing about tattoos/a topic - I stop and breathe. I realize that we are all nescient or ignorant about every topic at some point and that we decide to get to know some things sooner and some later, while other the other way around. So there is no need to judge myself and/or others as inferior for being noobs at something, because I am with this only limiting myself and preventing me from getting to know more about the topic or limit others when judging them as inferior because I give them reasons to feel inferior themselves and so shy away instead of exploring and asking questions. Thus I commit myself to not judge myself as inferior when I notice that I am a noob at something, instead I direct myself to talk with people, ask questions, explore and accept myself as someone who doesn't know and is still learning, without judgement, even if others react to me with superiority, laughter, etc., as I realize and understand that such their reactions only show who they really are and which issues/judgement they have with/within themselves for looking down on someone who knows/understands less than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and compensate when I know less than someone else by trying to appear smarter than I am through making statements as if I have some idea about what I am talking about, instead of simply admitting to myself that I don't know and so ask questions from this perspective, without trying to hide the fact that I know nothing about the topic I am asking about. Thus I commit myself to admit to myself that I am a noob when I see that I don't know enough or have enough experience to give any definitive statements about a topic and so accept myself as someone who knows nothing or less than others, while still understanding and being aware that this does not make me inferior to others or diminished in any way. Thus there is no point in judging myself as inferior or letting myself feel inferior when others look down on me when I know nothing or less than them about a topic, instead I gift myself the opportunity to ask questions and learn more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fearful/inferior character when I approach/meet a group of people that I see/perceive as in some way being different than me, because I fear they know things I don't and so judge myself as inferior and feel ashamed if they see I don't know/understand something they do. When and as I see myself going into fearful/inferior character when I approach/meet a group of people that I see/perceive as in some way being different than me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I will always meet people who know something I don't and are in some way different than me and that this does not mean that I am in any way inferior to them. Thus it makes no sense for me to keep judging myself as inferior to them as I understand that even if someone knows very little about anything, he/she is still an equal living being with an equal value than someone who knows a lot and has a lot of experience. Thus I commit myself to approach/meet groups of people that I see/perceive as in some way being different than me with awareness and understanding that no matter what one knows or does, I am still equal to them, because all living beings are equal in value. I also remember that my added value is in understanding the mind and the tools for self help better than most people and that I am able to help others see things about themselves and how to help themselves be who they want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a self-doubting character when I meet a group of strangers that I would like to develop a supportive relationship with, as if the fact that they behave/think differently in some way invalidates how I behave/think where I then go into self-doubt, instead of accepting myself as I am/what I think in the moment without judgement and then evaluate how others behave/think and see if I can in some way improve myself by learning to do something others already do more effectively than me. Thus I commit myself to be aware that it is most supporting for me to completely accept myself as who I am in the moment when I meet a group of strangers that I would like to develop a supportive relationship with as with this, I allow myself to be self-confident and self-directive, while at the same time being aware of how others act/think, so that I can see when they are more effective than me at something and then learn from them how to improve myself or correct my beliefs that are not aligned with reality.

Day 265 - Postponing sending job applications

I'm currently looking for an 8 hour job and I often postpone sending applications, so I'll look at why this is.

When I see I can send an application a fear comes up. Fear of having to go somewhere to be judged and then rejected and the feeling of inferiority, inadequateness that comes afterwards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into a fearful character when I see I can send a job application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then immediately start thinking about all the things I will have to do and learn on the job before I will feel comfortable doing it and within this already create the feeling of stress/overwhelmingness in my mind, while nothing happened yet.
I realize and understand that there is no need for me to think about what I might have to do and learn at the job, because I with this just give energy to my mind. Therefore I commit myself to only look at what the next step is when applying for a job and focus on that and how to direct myself in breath, without reactions, in every step of finding, getting and starting to work at a new job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that finding and having an 8 hour job is hard/stressful and self-limiting and within this create these emotions within me, instead of stopping this belief and directing myself in breath. Thus I commit myself to enjoy myself through the activities of searching, applying for and working at a new 8 hour job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be rejected when applying for a new job and to define/see this as a personal failure and reason for my inferiority/unworthyness, instead of realizing that I can only do my best to present myself and even then, other people decide among many if I am the one they will employ. I realize that this is not personal and does not define me and who I am, but who people who employ and judge potential employees are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define having an 8 hour job to get money as being a slave and within this create the experience/emotions within me of anger, resistance, inferiority and powerlessness. I realize that these are just emotional experiences I can stop creating by stopping to define an 8 hour job as slavery. I realize that I can still have a job and work on other projects that will in the future bring me enough income to start doing what I would like to do and create without having to work in an 8 hour job for someone else. Thus I commit myself to work in the breath at whatever 8 hour job I will get and learn to enjoy myself within it as this is better than creating all the above emotions for me that I will not support myself with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone sending applications when I see I can, instead of simply taking a breathe and directing myself to enjoy the moment of preparing and sending the application. Thus I commit myself to immediately move myself to send the applications when I see I can.

Day 264 - Backchat on perceiving I am being exploited

My previous blog is in Slovene.

For the last few days I helped at my friend's place to paint a room and get it ready for another friend who will live there. While I was painting, both friends had other things to do as well so I was mostly left to work on the room alone. During this time I allowed a backchat to come up within me where I perceived it is not fair that only I work on the room and that I am being exploited, so I got angry. I'll be writing self-forgiveness on this pattern.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that when I agree to help someone and he/she then goes to do other things, that I am being exploited and then feel inferior and angry and create backchat around it, such as: "this is not fair, why should I work for free while they don't care to help...". When and as I see myself going into anger, feeling inferior and perceiving that it is not fair that I work on something I agreed I will help with while other's do other things - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am within this looking at the situation only through my selfish perspective where I am not willing to help someone if he does not work with me, instead of seeing/realizing that others might have to do some things that have to be done also, while I don't, so I can in the mean time still work on the thing I am helping with, without creating the point of judgement, comparison, inferiority and then perception of unfairness within me. I see that with this I only allow myself to exist in and as the backchat in my mind for the sole reason of creating emotional reactions and more needles distracting energy for the mind. Thus I commit myself to no think/believe/perceive that when I agree to help someone and he/she then goes to do some other things, that I am now being exploited and that this is not fair as I understand that other might have other things they have to do as well while I can continue with what I am helping with alone for a while, focusing on self-expression instead of backchat.

I forgive myself for asking others to help me with something and then leaving them to work on it by themselves while I go do something else, without explaining that I have to do something important and asking them to continue on their own for a moment, until I come back. I commit myself to ask people who help me with something if they can continue to work on their own for a moment when I have to do some other thing that needs to be done, instead of just leaving them on their own.

I forgive myself for judging and blaming people who leave me alone, without explanation, to work on something they asked me to help with, as rude, arrogant, unfair, exploitative, selfish - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that what they did is not personal and that my judgement of them is my own pattern I have to stop as it is not supportive. Thus I commit myself to not judge and blame people who leave me alone, without explanation, to work on something they asked me to help with, as rude, arrogant, unfair, exploitative, selfish. Instead I ask them if there is something important they have to do that cannot wait and if they would like me to continue while they are not there nad for how long and also to ask them to give me a notice about such things next time.

Day 261 - Resistance towards programming / coding

I am looking for programmer jobs and I feel resistance. I see I have judgement towards programming:

• programming is hard, I get nervous, anxious and frustrated when programming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that programming is hard, because there is so much I don't know and understand and find hard to understand. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that programming is hard, because there is so much I don't know and understand and find hard to understand - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am experiencing myself this way because of my thoughts with which I judge programming and myself, instead of simply breathing, slowing myself down and directing myself when programming. I commit myself to stop all judgments towards programming and myself when programming and simply breathe and not go into thinking/imagining about all the things I don't know yet and so on, because I am only making myself feel inferior and anxious by doing so.

• I get angry when I can't find an error or when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself and the code when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while. When and as I see myself getting angry with myself and the code when I can't find an error or when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that getting angry with myself and the code is useless and that I don't have to judge myself as inferior, stupid and fear for my "job" when I don't get something right away, because this will not help. It is a completely useless pattern. Thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when I don't understand the error/code and look at the next logical step for me to do/look at to find a solution. And if I find it complicated, I write down the points I can take to find a solutions and then simply walk them one by one, breathing and enjoying myself. Because fuck it, if I do the best that I can and if that is not enough for someone else, so be it, I can be satisfied to know I did my best.

• I feel anxious when I don't know what to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance when I don't know what to do to come to a solution. When and as I see myself fearing loosing my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance when I don't know what to do to come to a solution - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do know what is the next step I can take when I slow down, but then I start fearing that I am not fast/good enough for what other's expect of me. Thus...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be fast/good enough when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions while at the same time comparing myself to others and thinking that others would find solutions faster and so making myself feel inferior and fear that I will lose my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be fast/good enough when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions while at the same time comparing myself to others and thinking that others would find solutions faster - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this fear and comparison that I create is completely useless. It is not supportive in any way, it will not change the outcome to a positive one, I will only make myself feel anxious and inferior and sabotage myself and that is all. Thus I commit myself to not go into fear that I will not be fast/good enough and to not compare myself with others when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions, instead I just breathe, put the steps down and do them one by one while enjoying/accepting myself without judgment.

• there is so much to learn, there is always something new, different and learning is hard

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that learning is hard and make myself feel inferior and create resistance towards learning to program. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that learning is hard and make myself feel inferior and create resistance towards learning to program - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am projecting my frustration with myself when I make myself feel inferior/incompetent when I don't understand something when I think I should or that others do. Thus I commit myself to stop making myself feel angry, frustrated and inferior when I take a while to understand something, as well as I commit myself to especially in that moment when I don't understand something even after a while, to no compare myself with other and think: "others would get this by now...", as I know telling this to myself is useless, not important and will not change anything, I will only make myself feel inferior and angry and that is not necessary. So instead I rather take a moment and breathe and see what other steps I can take to get to an understanding/solution and ask others for advice as well if I can.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for advice because I compare and judge myself that I should know something already or be so smart to come to understand it myself, without help. When and as I see myself fearing to ask others for advice, because I compare and judge myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when I look at the steps I can take to understand something/solve a problem I can always asks others for advice if I think there might be thing I haven't considered yet. Besides, people usually like to help and feel smart(er) and if not that's fine. Thus I commit myself to ask for advice when I look at how I can better understand something/come to a solution, from those who I see have (more) experience than me in what I do. It's stupid not to, they've do all the work to learn something so why not be of help and give some advice. And if they don't want to I can ask why and explain how easier it is for everyone when we start to share and cooperate instead of compete.

• I don't want to sit in front of a computer most of my day

Why not? I already do it anyway. But I'd like to do something outside in nature. Some work. I can simply make notes of things I see I can do outside and go do them and get some exercise/balance, instead of sitting inside all day. So I commit myself to see what I can do outside, who I can meet and start doing something I find interesting for myself outside.

• I don't want to be the geek who drinks coffee and coke and talks only about programming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge geeks who drink coffee and coke and only talk about programming as inferior, fake, narrow minded, special and trying to be superior in their specialness, while I am actually feeling inferior to them as I don't feel like I belong to anything special and so I judge others. When and as I see myself judging geeks who drink coffee and coke and only talk about programming as inferior, fake, narrow minded, special and trying to be superior in their specialness - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that these judgments I am making are completely useless and not supportive, because I don't have to personify with geeks or cooperate in that idea that I am special because I am a geek and that that is now my label I must identify with and so on. Thus I commit myself to stop feeling inferior because I don't see myself belonging to any particular "special" group and so I can stop judging geeks and other groups as superior/inferior or stupid because they feel/think they are in some ways special while I know no one is. No need for me to judge and/or identify me or others with labels that separates me from others in some special way, even if I do the same things that fit into some label category, like "a programmer", because labels are not required and not who we are. We are Life and anyone can do anything, but we are always all just Life, living beings and so no one is fucking special.

• I don't like programming

Well, it's not that I don't like programming, it's that I don't like how I get to feel myself when I come to a problem. That's what I wrote out above. So, as I stop creating the patterns of anxiety, self-judgment and anger while programming, this point will stop by itself.

• I don't like how people group and label each other into labels like "I am a programmer", I am this and that and then build their personas and character around.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label myself and others and use this labels to make myself feel special or superior/inferior and then start judging this as stupid and projecting it onto other as if they are stupid for having certain characteristics that fit a label, while I am still the one giving/seeing/judging the labels and personifying myself with them or think I don't, where I then either feel special and superior or not special and inferior when I don't find myself as being a part of a label I'd like. When and as I see myself labeling others and/or see perceive some group of people as superior/inferior because I see that as a label, like "programmers", instead of living beings - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am creating superiority/inferiority and judgment towards others because I still put labels on them, thus I commit myself to no more identify myself or others with labels and try to compare and see who is more/less special/superior/inferior. Instead I see all people as living beings, no matter what they do or which groups they associate with or see themselves as part of.