I just went through my YouTube account and a thought came up about fame and then I made a judgement about other people wanting to become famous and how stupid that is. So now I'm going to look at where am I still accepting and allowing myself to act from the point of wanting to be noticed etc. The first thing that comes up is that sometimes when someone (e.g. my room-mate) says something to me I want to respond in such a way that I would be seen as either funny or smart. But I don't like the idea of me being in the centre of attention because I still got some reactions/mind-fucks when I find myself in such a situation because some fears come up like that I will be humiliated etc. So I have never seen myself as someone who wanted to be famous in the regular way but instead I sometimes imagined that I am (or would like to be) the kind of a person who always works behind the scenes and only comes fort in the right moments, making the right actions and then being respected for that. This thoughts also came from the point that I always try and look at the bigger picture. Like for example I discover something about how money works and then I back off and I think OK but who is behind it, and who is behind them and what is the bigger picture on that etc. So sometimes I also noticed myself having similar thoughts about Desteni, like OK this is what I know, but, what is behind it, what is the bigger picture? LoL. So what I can see from this is that although it is important for one to try and get the widest possible perspective on things to understand them better it is also equally important that one doesn't wander off into the mind and imagination because then you just distract yourself with illusions and imagination instead of dealing with what is practically here and using that to support self to find practical solutions that are best for all. So here I stop with all the imaginary mind thinking about how/why and instead start focusing on the practical reality that I can work with to support myself and everyone else.
Now I remembered also that when I was much younger and I wanted to get a girlfriend I sometimes imagined myself how I rescue a girl from danger or something similar and then how she would start to like me. LoL. Sometimes I still notice how I adapt my acting/personality when around girls because I automatically want to be appealing to them. Now I am making myself aware of it and I stop myself in participating in the thoughts and desires of being appealing to the girls. When and as I see myself participating in thoughts/desires of wanting to be appealing to the girls and/or wanting to be noticed/respected/seen as better than others I stop and I breathe and I realize that these are all mind-fuck illusions and are not real. I realize myself as one and equal with every person and being and I apply myself here in practicality as what is best for all.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
2011 - Making vlogs for self support
I made some vlogs for self support while driving. I found it practical since I have nothing else to do. Any support appreciated.
Money as limitation
Exploitation of life through money acceptable?
Ego
Capitalism makes&breaks
Money as limitation
Exploitation of life through money acceptable?
Ego
Capitalism makes&breaks
Thursday, January 27, 2011
2011 - Love is the answer
And the question to that would be: What is the most hypocritical word of all time, used as a justification for the abuse of life? Love is the fucking answer, let me tell you.
It is profoundly sick and evil how we the people use it for our personal ego reasons. It is actually the most self-negating word I ever heard of! People say it and then live it out as a complete ego-driven abuse of life. Stay the fuck away form me with your "love is the answer" shit because I don't want to get fucked nor beaten, neither be treated as special, not even be brainwashed to the presumably heavenly energy bullshit experiences of love and I absolutely don't want to walk around hugging and kissing and saying nice words to everyone all the fucking day, for the obvious reasons of: it doesn't solve the fucking problem of the abuse of life that we the people together in the unison of love, as well as each one individually, accept and allow to exist every fucking day, while some preach love is all you need. Fuck your love, because when I say fuck, everyone knows what I'm talking about. And when you say love, what the fuck is that? Is that a fuck, or what is it? Let me tell you what we the people do as the act of love...
STOP. Look at your reaction, look at your feelings right now. Do you see your thoughts? Can you see your emotions and feeling moving inside of you, moving you, generating even more thoughts and energy? Are you reacting to these words I wrote? Self honesty, please. Are you capable of looking at yourself in self-honesty? Can you see your ego, your mind-consciousness system re-acting to these words without you even being aware of it? Not yet? Read on then and be completely, self-honestly aware of your thoughts/emotions/feelings/energy movement inside of you and write them down. Then write self forgiveness. Not for me, I don't give a fuck, I write it all the time. This is about you; can you be self honest? Can you stand for what is practically, objectively best for all life at all times? Can you stand as one and equal with all life? I don't need your answer. I perfect myself doing this every day until I'm perfect. Now that is real self-perfection. If you need a reason, a purpose in your life, make it self perfection as life as becoming one and equal as all life doing what is best for all in all ways, always. That's right, not love, fuck the delusion of love. Use your so called almighty freedom of choice and choose self perfections as how I described it. There is no doubt that you can but will you do it? Because this is about you and no-one will ever be able to help you or change you or make you believe in anything. It is your responsibility to clean the bullshit you've accepted and allowed as you through thoughts/emotions/feeling/habits or whatever other form of expression you may have. Make sure that you are aligned in all ways with what is best for all because otherwise you will get ignored by everyone and fucked up by your own ego to the ultimate degree. And no one will give a fuck.
Now where was I -
Let me now use my eyes to look at objective things in this real-ity and see what is actually manifested here in the physical and has an undeniable connection with the word love:
Some people say they love their children. They occasionally beat them, because they want to establish their authority over their children to teach them how to behave "good", while mostly they in fact have no idea what "good" actually means and it is in most cases not aligned with what is best for all, if not profoundly sick and exclusive. In the same time such people also blindly continue to destroy the Earth with pollution (in the name of love for profit) because they obviously want for their children to have a lovely future cleaning up after them but "how to" is not included in the upraising brainwash material they enforce into the children with such great love. Next...
Almost all the people have (had) a love relationship where they make-belief that the person who they love and fuck is a special person who is better and more important than any other life form in existence therefore it is OK if they treat it as such while in the same time neglecting others. Trying to build a special haven for themselves and turning a blind eye for all the abuse that this so called love is causing to others. I've been doing this as well and I'm ready to stop. But this is not about me, it's about you, remember? There must always be the standing of me/my-self and you/your-self in oneness and equality with everything in existence first, before there is us. "We" can not exist if there is an egoistic abuser present. That's why you are responsible for everything you do and will face consequences accordingly. Love as ego is exclusive and always results in abuse. But that is surely not what one meant or considered when stating that love is the answer? There's no way to know what one actually/practically meant because if one would know exactly what one meant, one would use a specific unambiguous word to explain oneself. So what does this show? The author either has no idea what he is talking about, is delusional and non-practical or wants to deliberately confuse people and make an ego boost for himself. Neither of these things are something one could be proud of.
It shouldn't surprise you that we the people in this world are completely lost right now. So much so that we try to identify ourselves through all kinds of bullshit, like a sports team for example that we love to support by yelling and getting angry at the other team having all kinds of nasty thoughts about them, because we love our team, we love to feel special when our beloved team wins. And we don't give a fuck if at the same time people are deprived of their already miserable homes, like they were in South Africa for example, so that soccer stadiums can be build for us where we can show our great love to the players. Hey fuck the pricks, we are showing our love here. You gotta love soccer, you gotta love sports, it's good for business.
And then there is this nationality. We the people say to ourselves: we have to love our culture, our language, our heritage, our nationality, because this is who we are, this is who our ancestors were, we have to show them our love. And we the people go and in the name of love of our beloved country kill and rape and murder and steal and defend and fuck up children and we spread our love, our love of freedom and democracy, the-mockery, and we are proud to give our lives in the name of love for our special beloved country, for our special beloved freedom and regime. In the name of love we kill each other. Isn't that the most focking original way to show love, ay?
There are also some among us that believe(!) in love, the love of the God Lord or The Great White Light or whatever it is. It's the same shit in a new package. And this thing is the ultimate loving machine. It loves everyone no matter what. It loves you if you rape, it loves you if you steal, kill, murder, torture, brainwash, it doesn't really matter, you just have to believe in it. But you can't understand the love this thing gives to you, it's so profound you're too stupid to understand how it practically works but you still must accept it and enslave/submit to it or how they call it, accept Jesus and let him into your heart (?). And you must live it, the love of God and Jesus Christ, that's all you need. It is encouraging to see that there are lots of people among us who seriously question the lack of practicality of such love and so skip it entirely, only to be picked up by those who blindly practice faith and religion. I'm not sure if they will ever be able to come up with any practical solutions for this world or even participate in such solutions, but I say let's give them a chance. I once believed in some kind of angels and deities too you know, thinking they can help me, until I realized that I just imagined them in my head and are thus not real. The problem gets serious when you just believe some other people who say there is a deity or God that will save you and that there is proof about it but you can't see it and you were raised and brainwashed like that all your childhood/ life. That's some serious parental/cultural love sharing taking place right there, yup, making you a religious fanatic. Lovely?
So already here you can see I observed all sorts of love in this world from us the people and there is a problem. Which one is the real love? Religion, sports, identity, energy, emotions, specialness? You say love is the answer. You either don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about or you try to deliberately confuse people? I suggest we deal with this dilemma right here and now. I dare to say that majority of people would agree that when you love somebody you have sex with that person, right? Mostly. So to love a person also means to fuck a person. Now that is something practical everybody understand with no doubt. Love = fuck. Now lets stick with this definition for the sake of clarity of what we're talking about because as we can see: love right now means all kinds of abusive bullshit and is probably the word with most different meanings in existence. Now lets look into the "all answer giving" statement again:
Love is the answer = Fuck is the answer.
Now that's an easy one. Are you full of sexual energy and you need to release it? Fuck can be an answer, yes. Do you want to make children? Fuck works here as well, how convenient. Now we want to abolish world famine. Fuck is the answer. (?) How does that practically work again? We all fuck each other and there is no more famine? We the people are already doing it since prehistoric times and still there are more an more hungry people every fucking day of fucking. Holy fucking love this ain't working! Here we have it: Love is the answer = failure to deal with world problems and the generally accepted abuse of life because guess what? Love in itself is the polarity of hate. There is no love without hate. So next time when you try to tell someone that love is the answer, realize that what you're saying is: go fuck yourself, fucking is the answer. Because that is what love PRACTICALLY means: to fuck yourself and everyone around you at the same time by the make-belief love mind-fucks in your head, while it all looks and sounds pretty and exciting. Now before your reactions take complete control over you, here's the real, PRACTICAL solution for the world problems and holy fuck it's not love: It's self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. Yes, it is all about you! Not you giving love, but you for-giving your-self, the gift of letting go of all the accepted and allowed thoughts/feelings/emotions/habits/behaviours that you lived every day and through which you caused abuse and harm to life not even realizing it. It is so fucking simple it's ridiculous. Will you do it? Will you try it? Will you ever give yourself a chance? I'm doing it, it's fun, simple, practical, best for all and no fucking belief/knowledge/voodoo required! Just self-honesty! Can you see now why love is fake and not real? Stop reactions, stop the bullshit, get practical, get real, be life, one and equal, what is best for all.
We the real people, walking the self-honest process of becoming real, meaning; being here aware of the physical at all times, not going fading into the mind of thoughts/emotions/feelings and illusionary relationships, who recognize ourselves as life, one and equal, are practical. We find practical solutions for all the problems no matter how lovingly fucked up they are and we support each other as one as equals as life, because we are life. There are unfortunately those among us who decide(d) that they will give themselves no chance whatsoever to correct themselves thorough self forgiveness and self corrective application. Maybe they just love their ego shit too much? Are they full of ego love or what? Fortunately they will die as well. Have a nice death.
If you're actually interested in what is practically Best for All, study the Equal Money System, study the Desteni material, so that you will understand why it is in fact best for all life. And then you can stop making a hypocrite/knuckle-head out of yourself and next time state "Equal Money System is the practical answer to abuse of life", instead of this love bullshit illusion. Wow, now this actually sounds something practically doable and understandable, doesn't it? Love is just all too ambiguous, foggy, abusive and useless word.
www.equalmoney.org
This is firstly about you, remember? You are the one not being equal to all life, you are the one not doing what's best for all, self-honestly. We're all like that, but some of us are actually doing something about it. But forget others. You must firstly help yourself and clean yourself of all the accepted and allowed bullshit you live out every day. Then you will change and then WE will change. To truly become life, one and equal, doing what's best for all at all times, where everyone is taking care of and everyone can enjoy life in dignity. Support yourself with the material provided on the page bellow.
www.desteni.co.za
It is profoundly sick and evil how we the people use it for our personal ego reasons. It is actually the most self-negating word I ever heard of! People say it and then live it out as a complete ego-driven abuse of life. Stay the fuck away form me with your "love is the answer" shit because I don't want to get fucked nor beaten, neither be treated as special, not even be brainwashed to the presumably heavenly energy bullshit experiences of love and I absolutely don't want to walk around hugging and kissing and saying nice words to everyone all the fucking day, for the obvious reasons of: it doesn't solve the fucking problem of the abuse of life that we the people together in the unison of love, as well as each one individually, accept and allow to exist every fucking day, while some preach love is all you need. Fuck your love, because when I say fuck, everyone knows what I'm talking about. And when you say love, what the fuck is that? Is that a fuck, or what is it? Let me tell you what we the people do as the act of love...
STOP. Look at your reaction, look at your feelings right now. Do you see your thoughts? Can you see your emotions and feeling moving inside of you, moving you, generating even more thoughts and energy? Are you reacting to these words I wrote? Self honesty, please. Are you capable of looking at yourself in self-honesty? Can you see your ego, your mind-consciousness system re-acting to these words without you even being aware of it? Not yet? Read on then and be completely, self-honestly aware of your thoughts/emotions/feelings/energy movement inside of you and write them down. Then write self forgiveness. Not for me, I don't give a fuck, I write it all the time. This is about you; can you be self honest? Can you stand for what is practically, objectively best for all life at all times? Can you stand as one and equal with all life? I don't need your answer. I perfect myself doing this every day until I'm perfect. Now that is real self-perfection. If you need a reason, a purpose in your life, make it self perfection as life as becoming one and equal as all life doing what is best for all in all ways, always. That's right, not love, fuck the delusion of love. Use your so called almighty freedom of choice and choose self perfections as how I described it. There is no doubt that you can but will you do it? Because this is about you and no-one will ever be able to help you or change you or make you believe in anything. It is your responsibility to clean the bullshit you've accepted and allowed as you through thoughts/emotions/feeling/habits or whatever other form of expression you may have. Make sure that you are aligned in all ways with what is best for all because otherwise you will get ignored by everyone and fucked up by your own ego to the ultimate degree. And no one will give a fuck.
Now where was I -
Let me now use my eyes to look at objective things in this real-ity and see what is actually manifested here in the physical and has an undeniable connection with the word love:
Some people say they love their children. They occasionally beat them, because they want to establish their authority over their children to teach them how to behave "good", while mostly they in fact have no idea what "good" actually means and it is in most cases not aligned with what is best for all, if not profoundly sick and exclusive. In the same time such people also blindly continue to destroy the Earth with pollution (in the name of love for profit) because they obviously want for their children to have a lovely future cleaning up after them but "how to" is not included in the upraising brainwash material they enforce into the children with such great love. Next...
Almost all the people have (had) a love relationship where they make-belief that the person who they love and fuck is a special person who is better and more important than any other life form in existence therefore it is OK if they treat it as such while in the same time neglecting others. Trying to build a special haven for themselves and turning a blind eye for all the abuse that this so called love is causing to others. I've been doing this as well and I'm ready to stop. But this is not about me, it's about you, remember? There must always be the standing of me/my-self and you/your-self in oneness and equality with everything in existence first, before there is us. "We" can not exist if there is an egoistic abuser present. That's why you are responsible for everything you do and will face consequences accordingly. Love as ego is exclusive and always results in abuse. But that is surely not what one meant or considered when stating that love is the answer? There's no way to know what one actually/practically meant because if one would know exactly what one meant, one would use a specific unambiguous word to explain oneself. So what does this show? The author either has no idea what he is talking about, is delusional and non-practical or wants to deliberately confuse people and make an ego boost for himself. Neither of these things are something one could be proud of.
It shouldn't surprise you that we the people in this world are completely lost right now. So much so that we try to identify ourselves through all kinds of bullshit, like a sports team for example that we love to support by yelling and getting angry at the other team having all kinds of nasty thoughts about them, because we love our team, we love to feel special when our beloved team wins. And we don't give a fuck if at the same time people are deprived of their already miserable homes, like they were in South Africa for example, so that soccer stadiums can be build for us where we can show our great love to the players. Hey fuck the pricks, we are showing our love here. You gotta love soccer, you gotta love sports, it's good for business.
And then there is this nationality. We the people say to ourselves: we have to love our culture, our language, our heritage, our nationality, because this is who we are, this is who our ancestors were, we have to show them our love. And we the people go and in the name of love of our beloved country kill and rape and murder and steal and defend and fuck up children and we spread our love, our love of freedom and democracy, the-mockery, and we are proud to give our lives in the name of love for our special beloved country, for our special beloved freedom and regime. In the name of love we kill each other. Isn't that the most focking original way to show love, ay?
There are also some among us that believe(!) in love, the love of the God Lord or The Great White Light or whatever it is. It's the same shit in a new package. And this thing is the ultimate loving machine. It loves everyone no matter what. It loves you if you rape, it loves you if you steal, kill, murder, torture, brainwash, it doesn't really matter, you just have to believe in it. But you can't understand the love this thing gives to you, it's so profound you're too stupid to understand how it practically works but you still must accept it and enslave/submit to it or how they call it, accept Jesus and let him into your heart (?). And you must live it, the love of God and Jesus Christ, that's all you need. It is encouraging to see that there are lots of people among us who seriously question the lack of practicality of such love and so skip it entirely, only to be picked up by those who blindly practice faith and religion. I'm not sure if they will ever be able to come up with any practical solutions for this world or even participate in such solutions, but I say let's give them a chance. I once believed in some kind of angels and deities too you know, thinking they can help me, until I realized that I just imagined them in my head and are thus not real. The problem gets serious when you just believe some other people who say there is a deity or God that will save you and that there is proof about it but you can't see it and you were raised and brainwashed like that all your childhood/ life. That's some serious parental/cultural love sharing taking place right there, yup, making you a religious fanatic. Lovely?
So already here you can see I observed all sorts of love in this world from us the people and there is a problem. Which one is the real love? Religion, sports, identity, energy, emotions, specialness? You say love is the answer. You either don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about or you try to deliberately confuse people? I suggest we deal with this dilemma right here and now. I dare to say that majority of people would agree that when you love somebody you have sex with that person, right? Mostly. So to love a person also means to fuck a person. Now that is something practical everybody understand with no doubt. Love = fuck. Now lets stick with this definition for the sake of clarity of what we're talking about because as we can see: love right now means all kinds of abusive bullshit and is probably the word with most different meanings in existence. Now lets look into the "all answer giving" statement again:
Love is the answer = Fuck is the answer.
Now that's an easy one. Are you full of sexual energy and you need to release it? Fuck can be an answer, yes. Do you want to make children? Fuck works here as well, how convenient. Now we want to abolish world famine. Fuck is the answer. (?) How does that practically work again? We all fuck each other and there is no more famine? We the people are already doing it since prehistoric times and still there are more an more hungry people every fucking day of fucking. Holy fucking love this ain't working! Here we have it: Love is the answer = failure to deal with world problems and the generally accepted abuse of life because guess what? Love in itself is the polarity of hate. There is no love without hate. So next time when you try to tell someone that love is the answer, realize that what you're saying is: go fuck yourself, fucking is the answer. Because that is what love PRACTICALLY means: to fuck yourself and everyone around you at the same time by the make-belief love mind-fucks in your head, while it all looks and sounds pretty and exciting. Now before your reactions take complete control over you, here's the real, PRACTICAL solution for the world problems and holy fuck it's not love: It's self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. Yes, it is all about you! Not you giving love, but you for-giving your-self, the gift of letting go of all the accepted and allowed thoughts/feelings/emotions/habits/behaviours that you lived every day and through which you caused abuse and harm to life not even realizing it. It is so fucking simple it's ridiculous. Will you do it? Will you try it? Will you ever give yourself a chance? I'm doing it, it's fun, simple, practical, best for all and no fucking belief/knowledge/voodoo required! Just self-honesty! Can you see now why love is fake and not real? Stop reactions, stop the bullshit, get practical, get real, be life, one and equal, what is best for all.
We the real people, walking the self-honest process of becoming real, meaning; being here aware of the physical at all times, not going fading into the mind of thoughts/emotions/feelings and illusionary relationships, who recognize ourselves as life, one and equal, are practical. We find practical solutions for all the problems no matter how lovingly fucked up they are and we support each other as one as equals as life, because we are life. There are unfortunately those among us who decide(d) that they will give themselves no chance whatsoever to correct themselves thorough self forgiveness and self corrective application. Maybe they just love their ego shit too much? Are they full of ego love or what? Fortunately they will die as well. Have a nice death.
If you're actually interested in what is practically Best for All, study the Equal Money System, study the Desteni material, so that you will understand why it is in fact best for all life. And then you can stop making a hypocrite/knuckle-head out of yourself and next time state "Equal Money System is the practical answer to abuse of life", instead of this love bullshit illusion. Wow, now this actually sounds something practically doable and understandable, doesn't it? Love is just all too ambiguous, foggy, abusive and useless word.
www.equalmoney.org
This is firstly about you, remember? You are the one not being equal to all life, you are the one not doing what's best for all, self-honestly. We're all like that, but some of us are actually doing something about it. But forget others. You must firstly help yourself and clean yourself of all the accepted and allowed bullshit you live out every day. Then you will change and then WE will change. To truly become life, one and equal, doing what's best for all at all times, where everyone is taking care of and everyone can enjoy life in dignity. Support yourself with the material provided on the page bellow.
www.desteni.co.za
2011 - Win/Lose games
Today I got frustrated again while playing a game of tennis on the TV console. First I won some then I lost one and I got frustrated because I allowed myself again to go into an experience of "positive" energy when I won which is a polarity and so inevitably I experienced a "negative" energy/feeling when I lost. I have to make myself more aware of this shit.
When and as I see myself participating in thoughts and feelings/emotions of polarity I stop completely and I breathe. I see that it is a mind-fuck energy polarity illusion. I do not accept and allow myself to go into thoughts and feelings/emotions of polarity ever again.
Then I thought about it: what is the point of playing such a game? If the only point of the game is to win by following some rules and if I remove that aspect, what is the point of ever playing such a game? There is no point. It's a waste of time. Win/Lose games are a total waste of time and are potentially dangerous because one can develop a serious mind-fuck of win/lose polarity illusion. That should be the warning on the box, lol.
Yesterday I also watched a movie Scarface. I realized that I liked the enthusiasm of the main character and the way he didn't have any fear when doing things and how he immediately put himself as an equal to whomever he faced. After the film I repeated his phrases lots of times and while I did it I felt an energy release, it was a feeling of like when something is funny and cool at the same time and it felt like a small ego boost. Then I started thinking about what would it be like if one would use that kind of "spirit"/enthusiasm/self-confidence/self-determination etc. and use it to motivate oneself to do what is best for all. I experience myself sometimes as not motivated to move myself and do what needs to be done which means I am still being moved by energy a lot. I also noticed that sometimes when I get some kind of energy I try to transform it into motivation to move myself and I can't say that it's particularly effective. Usually I get very motivated when I listen to an inspiring song or a movie that was designed for such purpose. But that's not real because it's energy based and it can't be maintained. It wears off in time. Being moved by energy al the time is not fun at all and not something I desire so I have to stop this shit and get myself here in the breath permanently where I can be stable no matter what. Now that's the ya-yo I want! Not the energy mind-fuck cock'a'roaches! lol
When and as I see myself participating in thoughts and feelings/emotions of polarity I stop completely and I breathe. I see that it is a mind-fuck energy polarity illusion. I do not accept and allow myself to go into thoughts and feelings/emotions of polarity ever again.
Then I thought about it: what is the point of playing such a game? If the only point of the game is to win by following some rules and if I remove that aspect, what is the point of ever playing such a game? There is no point. It's a waste of time. Win/Lose games are a total waste of time and are potentially dangerous because one can develop a serious mind-fuck of win/lose polarity illusion. That should be the warning on the box, lol.
Yesterday I also watched a movie Scarface. I realized that I liked the enthusiasm of the main character and the way he didn't have any fear when doing things and how he immediately put himself as an equal to whomever he faced. After the film I repeated his phrases lots of times and while I did it I felt an energy release, it was a feeling of like when something is funny and cool at the same time and it felt like a small ego boost. Then I started thinking about what would it be like if one would use that kind of "spirit"/enthusiasm/self-confidence/self-determination etc. and use it to motivate oneself to do what is best for all. I experience myself sometimes as not motivated to move myself and do what needs to be done which means I am still being moved by energy a lot. I also noticed that sometimes when I get some kind of energy I try to transform it into motivation to move myself and I can't say that it's particularly effective. Usually I get very motivated when I listen to an inspiring song or a movie that was designed for such purpose. But that's not real because it's energy based and it can't be maintained. It wears off in time. Being moved by energy al the time is not fun at all and not something I desire so I have to stop this shit and get myself here in the breath permanently where I can be stable no matter what. Now that's the ya-yo I want! Not the energy mind-fuck cock'a'roaches! lol
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
2011 - Discussing Equal Money on another forum
I opened a topic entitled Equal Money System on one of the popular Slovenian forums where I introduced the website and also Slovenian Desteni site and Desteni Universe. I didn't have any particular expectations, I primarily wanted to expose the sites a bit more and see what kind of reactions will people have and how will I react to them. So after I opened the topic I answered some questions people were asking and tried to give some direction/perspectives where I saw that the point was not understood or missed completely and while doing that I realized that I am acting from a point of me feeling responsibility to give answers/directions since I opened the topic and also there were obviously lots of ego driven posts from which after reading them I started to build a bit of anger which I then more or less breathed through and stopped myself from writing out of reactions. I wasn't completely successful with that because I can see that in some posts I expressed myself out of feelings/reactions/anger. I also realized that while giving a perspective to someone I try to write in a way that will make the most impact on that person from the point of getting him to think about the point I wanted them to think about. So sometimes I also try to manipulate the other person in some way by using emotions. Obviously that usually doesn't work because this activates the reactions of the ego where the other person then tries to defend his point of view. I can see that posting or debating such points on random forums is not at all effective from the perspective of supporting other people but it definitely helped me to test myself where and how do I still accept and allow myself to react to statements of other people about what I say or do.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
2011 - I had a dream...
The point of it was that my partner cheated on me and I saw it. (Yeah Barbi you were sitting on a lap of Sebastjan "D3" kissing him, lol). And that activated all kinds of feelings inside of me, like: sadness, envy, disappointment, anger. Then I tried to explain to her that this is not how it should be then I woke up. I'm still not clear of this relationship mind-fucks. The day before this I was talking with her on the phone and she mentioned that she unexpectedly met her first boyfriend so that was the trigger point where I had some of this feelings come up but they were very subtle and I could breathe them through easily. But I didn't deal enough with them because I time looped so I have to write some more about it.
When I think of her getting a new boyfriend or relationship or be intimate with another man I basically get the feeling of envy which is connected to the thoughts of/that majority of others had more romantic/sexual experiences than me and that I am from that perspective not equal to them so I want to make up for what I've missed. Now this is also connected to her in a way that if she doesn't seek for such experiences then I'm fine. But as soon as she would indicate this kind of intention or if I make myself think/believe that she will then this kind of reaction comes up. So that's usually the trigger point. Then the thought of "I had less romantic/sexual experiences..." would be the point of no return where the whole mind construct plays out and I have to breathe it through. So I have to stop myself before this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less then in regards to romantic/sexual experiences. When and as I see myself participating in thoughts of comparison and defining myself as less than I stop and breathe, I do not accept and allow myself to define myself as less than in any way and I realize that I am equal to all that is here and I direct myself to be effective in staying here in the breath as self-movement.
When I think of her getting a new boyfriend or relationship or be intimate with another man I basically get the feeling of envy which is connected to the thoughts of/that majority of others had more romantic/sexual experiences than me and that I am from that perspective not equal to them so I want to make up for what I've missed. Now this is also connected to her in a way that if she doesn't seek for such experiences then I'm fine. But as soon as she would indicate this kind of intention or if I make myself think/believe that she will then this kind of reaction comes up. So that's usually the trigger point. Then the thought of "I had less romantic/sexual experiences..." would be the point of no return where the whole mind construct plays out and I have to breathe it through. So I have to stop myself before this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less then in regards to romantic/sexual experiences. When and as I see myself participating in thoughts of comparison and defining myself as less than I stop and breathe, I do not accept and allow myself to define myself as less than in any way and I realize that I am equal to all that is here and I direct myself to be effective in staying here in the breath as self-movement.
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011 - Health and my problems
I'll write about all the problems with health I had since I can remember and are not considered as common.
The first thing I remember that I had problems with is that I had an inflammation underneath my armpits when I was very young. I had to use a cream I think and I had to visit a doctor where they changed my bandages. It was very painful, like a burning. But then it went away.
The next problem started when I went to elementary school, around that time. Out of random I was getting this sharp pains bellow my stomach in the intestine area. It appeared suddenly and it was very strong and in waves like someone is pushing a sharp pen inside me or something like that. It was so strong I couldn't stand nor sit so I just curled into a ball and breathed and sometimes prayed for it to go away soon. It usually lasted a few minutes but for me it was like forever. Then it suddenly went away just as quick as it came. I didn't make much effort to tell about it to anyone because I was a bit afraid and I didn't want to talk about it. Also I was a bit afraid of doctors. And I didn't have any other problems with it so I thought it wasn't worth going to see a doctor. Then the pain got less frequent and these day I don't have it anymore or it's extremely rare and more mild.
Then when I was around 11 years old (in 5th grade I think) I got a hemangioma inside my left cheek and it grew to a size of a cherry. I got quite a few mind-fucks about it because it was physically visible and it was also obtrusive in my mouth. It looked like I have something in my mouth so people noticed it and asked questions. If I squeezed it together the blood would flow out and it would go away so I did that all the time to hide it but it always reappeared in a few minutes. Then I went to a local hospital where I was anesthetized and they cut it out through my mouth. But they couldn't get it all out so it reappeared. Then I was sent to a bigger hospital in Ljubljana to a specialist. I was treated quite special there because I had the thing in an unusual place and because it was a delicate operation so a lot of doctors and students came to see me and they pictured me and what not... Then I was operated again when I was 15 years old from the outside which left me a big scar on the neck. It never bothered me, I actually liked it because I saw it as cool, lol. Then it looked like they got it all out and it was ok until yesterday I noticed that I got it again. It's quite small and it doesn't show or bother me but that will change if it will grow again so I have to visit the doctor again. It caused some mind-fucks to reappear again like sadness and fear of looking ugly and being operated again etc. But I'm breathing and stopping the thoughts. I'd like to figure it out why does it appear and what kind of a system is causing it or what am I accepting and allowing inside myself to cause it but I have no idea how. Maybe I'll try muscle communication.
Anyway, if I continue after the operation mentioned above, after that it looked I would have a normal healthy life but soon after that another thing happened. One day when I was sitting at my computer I started to feel pain inside my chest and it got stronger and stronger and then it burned like someone stabbed me in the middle of the chest. I told my parents and they said I should go to a doctor if it doesn't stop the next day. I went to sleep and the next day it was still there and I got scared and started to think about lots of thing like maybe I got another tumor or cancer or something and that I will have to visit a doctor again and that maybe I will die and all of that. I waited another day and the pain started to go away and then it stopped. But then lots of other more mild pains started to appear all around my body where the organs are. Mostly it appeared in my stomach area. I knew that something must be very wrong but I was too afraid to talk about it or to go to a doctor because I didn't want to find out that I got cancer or some other horrible illness. I started to ask all of those question like why me and if I am going to die etc. And I even started to pray although I wasn't part of any known religion. I made up my own prayer and prayed for health just in case if there is some higher being that listens to such mind-fucks, lol. The pain was annoying and repetitive. I had it almost every day. It appeared on random usually around my stomach or other organs, sometimes it was stronger sometimes almost non-existent. And it was like that for a year or two or three, and then I finally decided to go to a doctor where they sent me for a gastroscopy where they put a thin cable into my stomach through my mouth to take a look with a camera and take a sample of the tissue. I was sure they're going to find something and I was afraid of what is it going to be. But then I got the letter from the hospital that they didn't find anything unusual so I felt a relief and then I just forgot about it like it's nothing. Although the pain never went away completely, there were periods when it was almost non existent but then it came back again and so on. Last few years it's almost gone but still not completely.
Now when I studied the Desteni material I'm sure it has something to do with the mind systems and most probably with my relations to my parents. I was afraid most of the time of my father and I didn't talk much and had a lot of mind-fucks about self-image and so on. I dealt with that and I'm still working it out and I think I'm doing quite well because my self-confidence and self-trust are much stronger than before and I don't have all those fears I had towards other people anymore. The practical tools that anyone can learn at Desteni are really great and effective with dealing with all this things. But right now I'm really not sure what else to do about this problems I just wrote about other than write it out. If anyone else has any perspectives that would be quite helpful.
The first thing I remember that I had problems with is that I had an inflammation underneath my armpits when I was very young. I had to use a cream I think and I had to visit a doctor where they changed my bandages. It was very painful, like a burning. But then it went away.
The next problem started when I went to elementary school, around that time. Out of random I was getting this sharp pains bellow my stomach in the intestine area. It appeared suddenly and it was very strong and in waves like someone is pushing a sharp pen inside me or something like that. It was so strong I couldn't stand nor sit so I just curled into a ball and breathed and sometimes prayed for it to go away soon. It usually lasted a few minutes but for me it was like forever. Then it suddenly went away just as quick as it came. I didn't make much effort to tell about it to anyone because I was a bit afraid and I didn't want to talk about it. Also I was a bit afraid of doctors. And I didn't have any other problems with it so I thought it wasn't worth going to see a doctor. Then the pain got less frequent and these day I don't have it anymore or it's extremely rare and more mild.
Then when I was around 11 years old (in 5th grade I think) I got a hemangioma inside my left cheek and it grew to a size of a cherry. I got quite a few mind-fucks about it because it was physically visible and it was also obtrusive in my mouth. It looked like I have something in my mouth so people noticed it and asked questions. If I squeezed it together the blood would flow out and it would go away so I did that all the time to hide it but it always reappeared in a few minutes. Then I went to a local hospital where I was anesthetized and they cut it out through my mouth. But they couldn't get it all out so it reappeared. Then I was sent to a bigger hospital in Ljubljana to a specialist. I was treated quite special there because I had the thing in an unusual place and because it was a delicate operation so a lot of doctors and students came to see me and they pictured me and what not... Then I was operated again when I was 15 years old from the outside which left me a big scar on the neck. It never bothered me, I actually liked it because I saw it as cool, lol. Then it looked like they got it all out and it was ok until yesterday I noticed that I got it again. It's quite small and it doesn't show or bother me but that will change if it will grow again so I have to visit the doctor again. It caused some mind-fucks to reappear again like sadness and fear of looking ugly and being operated again etc. But I'm breathing and stopping the thoughts. I'd like to figure it out why does it appear and what kind of a system is causing it or what am I accepting and allowing inside myself to cause it but I have no idea how. Maybe I'll try muscle communication.
Anyway, if I continue after the operation mentioned above, after that it looked I would have a normal healthy life but soon after that another thing happened. One day when I was sitting at my computer I started to feel pain inside my chest and it got stronger and stronger and then it burned like someone stabbed me in the middle of the chest. I told my parents and they said I should go to a doctor if it doesn't stop the next day. I went to sleep and the next day it was still there and I got scared and started to think about lots of thing like maybe I got another tumor or cancer or something and that I will have to visit a doctor again and that maybe I will die and all of that. I waited another day and the pain started to go away and then it stopped. But then lots of other more mild pains started to appear all around my body where the organs are. Mostly it appeared in my stomach area. I knew that something must be very wrong but I was too afraid to talk about it or to go to a doctor because I didn't want to find out that I got cancer or some other horrible illness. I started to ask all of those question like why me and if I am going to die etc. And I even started to pray although I wasn't part of any known religion. I made up my own prayer and prayed for health just in case if there is some higher being that listens to such mind-fucks, lol. The pain was annoying and repetitive. I had it almost every day. It appeared on random usually around my stomach or other organs, sometimes it was stronger sometimes almost non-existent. And it was like that for a year or two or three, and then I finally decided to go to a doctor where they sent me for a gastroscopy where they put a thin cable into my stomach through my mouth to take a look with a camera and take a sample of the tissue. I was sure they're going to find something and I was afraid of what is it going to be. But then I got the letter from the hospital that they didn't find anything unusual so I felt a relief and then I just forgot about it like it's nothing. Although the pain never went away completely, there were periods when it was almost non existent but then it came back again and so on. Last few years it's almost gone but still not completely.
Now when I studied the Desteni material I'm sure it has something to do with the mind systems and most probably with my relations to my parents. I was afraid most of the time of my father and I didn't talk much and had a lot of mind-fucks about self-image and so on. I dealt with that and I'm still working it out and I think I'm doing quite well because my self-confidence and self-trust are much stronger than before and I don't have all those fears I had towards other people anymore. The practical tools that anyone can learn at Desteni are really great and effective with dealing with all this things. But right now I'm really not sure what else to do about this problems I just wrote about other than write it out. If anyone else has any perspectives that would be quite helpful.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 - Exposing my sexual system
The base of my sexual mind-fuck is/was the point that 'I want' to have sex with another woman (other than my partner, which is the only one I had sex with), because some ego reasons I already wrote about. I was able to forgive myself most of those thoughts, but some still remained and I allowed them to compound to the point where I was at the point that looked something like this: "ok, I will no longer accept and allow myself to search for/go into sexual energetic experiences with other woman or look for it in porn etc., but I still want to have a pleasant masturbating experience whenever I find it necessary and I understand that it is my responsibility to deal with my sexual stuff and not bother my partner with it if she doesn't want to participate." So I bought myself a "Sex in a can" which is simply a male masturbator. Like a dildo but it's a vagina. I mean what the fuck am I doing... I new from the start that I am dealing with a mind-fuck but I allowed myself to get consumed with excitement and ego-driven justifications and so I still bought it. I used it three times and it was always from an energetic starting point = wanting to have a great orgasmic experience. I felt a bit ashamed after that because I knew I was all mind-fucked but I worked that out quickly with breathing. So now I am also writing it out and I will continue to do so whenever I get something in my head regarding this point.
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