2011 - Exposing my sexual system

The base of my sexual mind-fuck is/was the point that 'I want' to have sex with another woman (other than my partner, which is the only one I had sex with), because some ego reasons I already wrote about. I was able to forgive myself most of those thoughts, but some still remained and I allowed them to compound to the point where I was at the point that looked something like this: "ok, I will no longer accept and allow myself to search for/go into sexual energetic experiences with other woman or look for it in porn etc., but I still want to have a pleasant masturbating experience whenever I find it necessary and I understand that it is my responsibility to deal with my sexual stuff and not bother my partner with it if she doesn't want to participate." So I bought myself a "Sex in a can" which is simply a male masturbator. Like a dildo but it's a vagina. I mean what the fuck am I doing... I new from the start that I am dealing with a mind-fuck but I allowed myself to get consumed with excitement and ego-driven justifications and so I still bought it. I used it three times and it was always from an energetic starting point = wanting to have a great orgasmic experience. I felt a bit ashamed after that because I knew I was all mind-fucked but I worked that out quickly with breathing.  So now I am also writing it out and I will continue to do so whenever I get something in my head regarding this point.