Day 267 - Sex & Shame

Someone mentioned a point of shame one experienced in relation to sex and I realized that I have the same point that I haven't yet released with self-forgiveness. I never mentioned this point to anyone yet as I was too ashamed to share it and I thought that I am probably one of the rare people who experienced it, so I was afraid that others might judge me as well and look at me like there is something wrong with me. I used to think the same way about many experiences I had in my life, but the more I shared myself with others, the more I realized that most people experience the same or very similar things. In any case, judging oneself and feeling ashamed does not help in any way, it is an emotion we create with our thoughts that we then suppress into our subconscious mind and carry with us as a burden. Then such points accumulate and because there is energetic/emotional tension behind them, this can lead to actual physical health problems in our bodies, because we keep the energy inside, instead of releasing it though self-forgiveness.

So the point of shame I am talking about is related to sex. Specifically how, when I was a teenager, I sometimes could hear my parents having sex in the next room. I was often masturbating as well and for some reason, hearing my parents having sex got me aroused as well. It was the idea that someone is actually having sex and my desire to experience it as well, because I haven't yet at that time. The realization that the ones having sex were my parents was repulsive to me, but if I ignored that part, I was actually aroused and sometimes masturbated because of it. Then I started to judge myself as disgusting, bad, messed up in my head for doing it. I didn't know anything about feelings and emotions and desires or hot to use self-forgiveness to stop those experiences at that time, so I just suppressed it. And because my self-judgement for what I done was so strong, I didn't dare bring it up and speak about it with anyone yet. This is why it is such a great support when you have someone (like a buddy you get in the DIP course) that you know will not judge you, so that you can open suppressed points and bring them up, look at them and forgive yourself for the judgments and release the energetic tension from your subconscious mind that eventually causes health problems. I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements I see are relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get aroused by the idea that someone/my parents is having sex somewhere close to me, where I would then go into imagination and imagine how it would be if I had sex in that moment, so creating energy in my mind and feel the need to release it through masturbation, instead of remaining here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself wish/want/desire to hear the sounds of someone/my parents having sex in the next room and (ab)use them as a trigger point of my own arousal, where I would then use my imagination to imagine that I am having sex with a woman and through that create an energetic arousal within myself that I would use in masturbation to get an orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a bad person, messed up in the head, disrespectful and sick for listening to my parents having sex and using the situation to get aroused myself and then use my imagination to pretend I am having sex and then masturbate to get an orgasm. When and as I see myself judging myself for masturbating when I heard my parents having sex - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that such judgement and feeling ashamed is not useful in any way, because I can only create unpleasant physical consequences for my body by suppressing such points and judging myself for them. I realize that I did not understand my mind and arousal and how it all works at that time as I do now, thus I can now see that we all, when we go into imagination to get aroused, (ab)use different situations, pictures and ideas, just to get ourselves energetically stimulated and get an orgasm, instead of actually being here in the breathe and only stimulate ourselves physically, without using the mind imagination, when we decide to masturbate or actually have sex with another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to share with others how I experienced myself as aroused when hearing my parents having sex and then masturbating and to think/believe/perceive that because I did that, this somehow makes me inferior and that I have to feel ashamed because of it and be punished. I realize that such judgement towards myself or anyone else who had the same experience is not helpful in any way as it only makes me/another to suppress the experience and go into even more judgement, instead of releasing it. Thus I commit myself that I will share this experience, when relevant, without judging myself as bad and without feeling ashamed, as I understand that the fact that I experienced it does not mean I am in any way inferior or having to be punished or feel ashamed, as this is not supportive and is (self) abuse as well. Thus the correction is to release all judgement and shame and apply the correction to not (ab)use the imagination to get arouse and have orgasms, but to instead practice physical exploration of sex when masturbating or when with another and learn to enjoy sex physically, without all the unnecessary (self-)judgement and shame that we have created in our society around sex.

Day 32 - Sexual Attraction to Pictures

Flat stomachs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as arousal and sexual excitement whenever I see a flat woman's stomach. When and as I see myself going into arousal and sexual excitement when I see a flat woman's stomach – I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself have defined the picture of a flat woman's stomach as sexual and arousing and so I myself am the one who is still accepting and allowing in that moment to get/be aroused and sexually excited, by having the picture of a flat woman's stomach as a trigger point. I commit myself to stop the addiction to sexual energetic excitement through picture stimulation such as the flat woman's stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the picture of a flat woman's stomach as an excuse and justification as why I am excited. When and as I see myself using/existing within and as the excuse of 'it is the picture of a flat woman's stomach that got me excited' – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one who is still accepting and allowing myself to become/be excited through the excuse/justification that it is a picture of a flat woman's stomach who got me excited. I commit myself to not user external points as an excuse of why I am excited/sexually aroused and why I am the way I am and to direct myself here in the breath to stop energetic addictions through perceived pictures such as a flat woman's stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the desire to touch a flat woman's stomach and get the experience of hitting a jackpot in the way where I would get what I always imagined/wanted/desired through thoughts in my mind. When and as I see myself existing within and as the desire to touch a flat woman's stomach – I stop and breathe. I realize that I exist within this desire as I have given this act of being able to touch a flat woman's stomach a higher value within my mind as a pattern through which I would/could experience the highest possible energetic sexual arousal and orgasm. I commit myself to stop searching/chasing the sexual energetic high/orgasm and stop the pattern of sexual addiction to energy and energetic arousal through pictures/imagination/thoughts and instead create a new pattern where I remain here in the breath and focus on the physical touch without any pictures/thoughts/wishes/desires.

Women figures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look and search for 'perfect' women figures whenever I am around women. When and as I see myself looking/searching for 'perfect' women figures – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am through this still accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the pattern of addiction to sexual energy arousal through pictures. I commit myself to stop looking/searching for ‘perfect’ pictures of women figures by being self-directive in the moment and not intentionally turning my head/eyes towards such pictures but remaining here in the breath, not accepting and allowing myself to be directed by such energies/desires.

2011 - Exposing my sexual system

The base of my sexual mind-fuck is/was the point that 'I want' to have sex with another woman (other than my partner, which is the only one I had sex with), because some ego reasons I already wrote about. I was able to forgive myself most of those thoughts, but some still remained and I allowed them to compound to the point where I was at the point that looked something like this: "ok, I will no longer accept and allow myself to search for/go into sexual energetic experiences with other woman or look for it in porn etc., but I still want to have a pleasant masturbating experience whenever I find it necessary and I understand that it is my responsibility to deal with my sexual stuff and not bother my partner with it if she doesn't want to participate." So I bought myself a "Sex in a can" which is simply a male masturbator. Like a dildo but it's a vagina. I mean what the fuck am I doing... I new from the start that I am dealing with a mind-fuck but I allowed myself to get consumed with excitement and ego-driven justifications and so I still bought it. I used it three times and it was always from an energetic starting point = wanting to have a great orgasmic experience. I felt a bit ashamed after that because I knew I was all mind-fucked but I worked that out quickly with breathing.  So now I am also writing it out and I will continue to do so whenever I get something in my head regarding this point.

2010 - Avoiding physical touch

Lately Barbi and I decided to stop all little things that are based on and connected to the relationship we were/are in. Like kissing and other energy based actions. She is somewhat more willing/motivated to do this things because I still have a desire to hug/kiss/have sex for orgasm. I often still lose my self-direction in standing here with no mind or energy movement when I am with her. Usually I experience the point of "unfairness" and "inequality" when it comes to sex and other more intimate experiences because most of the people around me have/had more of it than I do. I see myself as "less then".
Also, when being with other women (meaning not with Barbi), I always try to avoid any physical contact because I still get this desire to be intimate with other girls and thus the contact from that point on would not be in equality but from self interest. So because of that I suppress all physical contact to avoid mindfucks and energy movements in me and in that way actually also keep them going because then the desire to be more physical with others comes up.
I was thinking that maybe the best way to deal with this point would be to do self-forgiveness aloud when in such a situation with someone that's willing to assist me in this way.