Day 151 - The importance of not judging self when looking at self

I came to a great realizations today while watching some very practical and supportive videos on this site: http://liberationunleashed.com/videos/

I realized that I have not been allowing myself to unconditionally experience every emotion and feeling that I have within myself before stopping it / stopping to create it. Thus I have been pushing away from myself many of the emotions and feelings that came up within myself, because when they did, I immediately started to judge them as unacceptable, like "I should not have this feeling", and so I suppressed them and stayed separate from them. Therefore, I didn't really allow myself to experience myself and my emotions / feelings the way I actually have created them in order to see myself for what I really am (allowing), because only after I see and accept myself for what I really am (allowing), only then can I define and see the emotions and feelings and thoughts that I am allowing and so effectively forgive them and so decide to take self-responsibility for them and stop experiencing myself as these emotions, feelings and thoughts, because I have realized that I am only burdening myself with them. And I have seen how I am actually abusing myself with emotions and feelings, with both good and bad emotions and feelings, because I experience all emotions and feelings as energies that are actually burdening and distracting. I don't want to experience any energetic emotions or feelings. And I have seen, for example, how I am actually abusing myself by judging and blaming myself and so creating all these emotions within myself that I actually do not want to experience, instead of unconditionally accepting myself as who I am in every moment as Life.

What is also fascinating to me is that I already knew what I wrote here before, but mostly just as knowledge and information. Now I have really experienced this for myself and so what I am writing is a testament of a real, profound experience / realization that I have never experienced before with such liberating intensity.

Day 150 - Taking self-responsibility for my reactions towards my partner - II

Today I walked to the store with my partner and I looked towards the place where some of my friends used to work. In that moment my partner made a remark about it, that I saw or perceived as a deliberate spiteful remark from her part, because I know that she still reacts to those people in a negative way. In that moment I thought "she is being spiteful again, should I tell her or or not, will this make the reaction even bigger?" and while thinking this, I felt a bit offended by that fact that she was still being deliberate in the spiteful remarks and that the pattern is still there and in this I also started to blame my partner for being spiteful, for making the remark and for not taking self-responsibility for removing the pattern. After this we had an energetic quarrel for a minute, but I will be focusing with my Self Forgiveness on removing the above points where my reaction started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's remark, that I have seen / perceive as being spiteful, with taking it personally, feeling offended and being angry and to within that anger try to point out the pattern that my partner was participating in, instead of immediately bringing that point back to myself and seeing where am I also reacting to it and so firstly applying self-forgiveness on the point that I see within myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner's remarks with feeling offended, taking it personally and feeling angry and when I see a pattern within my partner and others - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have to always, when I see a point within my partner/another, take that point back to self and see where / how am I reacting to it. Therefore I commit myself to always bring the point that I see within another back to myself and see how I am reacting to it and to then apply self-forgiveness until I have no more reactions and to only then also see if I can support my partner in seeing the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control / manipulate my partner to stop the reaction that we are in by saying that I will end our agreement and that I don't need her to walk with me, while not seeing and realizing that I am within this blaming her for the reaction and not stopping myself within my own reaction. Thus being spiteful towards my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for the reactions between us, instead of removing all of my reactions and blame towards my partner. When and as I see myself blaming my partner for a reaction or trying to manipulate her and/or when I see myself wanting to use the argument of ending our agreement because of me reacting to her or her to me - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this reacting myself and being spiteful towards my partner, instead of removing all of my reactions, blame and spitefulness towards my partner. Therefore I commit myself to no more blame my partner for her reaction or for my reactions, instead I breathe, I check and make sure that I am without reactions by applying self-forgiveness and then only after the reactions between us are over I talk to my partner about the reaction so that we can direct the point and prevent the reaction from happening again.

My Declaration of Principle: 6. Self Responsibility in Thought, Word and Deed

The sixth principle that I am committing myself to live by is the realization that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take Responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well.

I am creating myself through the words that I think and speak as with these words I define my intentions and actions and so I am responsible for every word that I think, thus I have to align my words and my thoughts with the principle of what is best for all Life. This way I can make sure that I will not abuse myself as Life, but instead create through words what is Best for All Life.

I can see how I am still using words, thoughts and actions that divide me and others, that create separation within me and between me and others and how through this I am the one who still participates in the abuse of self as Life and so all Life. I can see this in the feelings and emotions that I create with words and then live out. I can see this in my thoughts of spite and anger, in thoughts of blame, judgment and fear. I can self-honestly see this in my words, thoughts, habits and actions, where I have still not taken full self-responsibility for who I am and what I stand for. And so, because I am still not in all ways standing as the principle "do not do onto others as you would not want to be done onto you", I commit myself to continuously walk the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application where I will align myself to the principle of what is Best for All Life, so that I will stand as a practical example of how we can all co-exist and co-create in a way that is Best for All.

Thoughts:
I take self-responsibility for all my thoughts by observing myself self-honestly in every breath and then write down the mind patterns that I observe that come up within me throughout the day. This way I see and can realize how I have created my various mind patterns and consequently, how I am creating the emotions and feelings within my body. After I see the pattern, I apply the principle of self-forgiveness, where I remove the bond that I have created towards the specific mind pattern that I am forgiving myself for and so I free myself from it in a way where I can then decide what exactly do I want to live instead of that pattern and I make sure that who I am within the new pattern that I am creating is what is best for All Life and so best for myself as Life. I do this through writing my blogs and doing my DIP assignments, where I work with my buddies that help me realize the patterns that I am participating in, so that I can be more effective in my process and so I also help others to see their own patterns and help them as I would like to be helped and together we align ourselves with Life and what is Best for All.

Words:
I take self-responsibility for the words I think, speak and live by looking at how I have defined the words. I self-honestly see if I have any emotional reactions towards specific words and then I remove these reactions through self-forgiveness. Then I look at how I have defined the specific word and check if the definition helps me to live the word in a way that is Best for All. If this is not so, then I re-define the word in a way that is supportive for me and all, so that I can start using and living the word in a way where I will not create abuse, separation or harm, but only what is Best for All.

Deeds:
I take self-responsibility for the deeds and actions I do and participate in by observing myself in self-honesty in every breath and making a note for myself every time where I see that I am not acting in a way that is Best for All. Then I look at my thoughts and words that I used in my mind to plan and justify my deeds and so by taking self-responsibility for my words and thoughts, I change myself and realign myself, my deeds and actions, to what is Best for All in Oneness and Equality.


For a further perspective on how we create ourselves and our world with words I suggest you also read one of my previous blogs: How words create our world

Follow this link to see the full list of principles I am committing myself to live by.

Day 149 - Taking self-responsibility for reactions towards my partner

Today I had an argument with my partner where she blamed me, speaking in emotional reaction, for things that I did not do / participate in or where some of it was true and some of it not. I reacted to this by taking it personally, feeling offended and being angry about it and then I wanted to show her that she is participating in a spiteful pattern and then, I myself became spiteful and so obviously we just made an argument out of it, instead of me immediately stopping myself and starting writing out my own patterns. So the patterns that I observed I participated in:

- Taking it personally and feeling offended when my partner projects and blames me for things I did not do and for her own feelings.

- Not stopping and applying my own self-forgiveness, but being spiteful towards her where I wanted to show her how spiteful she is, when I felt offended, by me being spiteful back and making her feel bad.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and feel offended and inferior when I see / perceive that my partner blames me for something that I did not do / participate in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when my partner talks to me in reaction and when I feel offended about what my partner is talking about.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner as spiteful and rude whenever I see / perceive that she blames me for her own reactions and when she does not want to stop herself and take full self-responsibility for her reactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself and my own reaction of feeling offended, angry and taking it personally when I see / perceive that my partner blames me for her own reactions or things that I did not do / participate in. I realize that there is no excuse for me reacting in this way no matter what my partner says or does and that I have to take full responsibility for my own reactions. Therefore I commit myself to stop and breathe immediately as I realize that I am reacting to what my partner is saying or when I see that she is in a reaction, then I observe my reactions and apply self forgiveness out loud and/or start writing about my reactions as long as I am not completely clear. I also state that I have realized that my partner is in a reaction and that we will not talk as long as the reactions don't stop completely. IF my partner will insist in trying to talk, I will continue to do self forgiveness out loud and/or explain to her that I will leave and come back when there will be no more emotions and reactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful back towards my partner whenever I react to my partner with taking it personally and feeling offended and/or when I see that my partner is spiteful, thinking that I will show with this that what she is doing is not acceptable. I realize that I will only fuel the reaction further. Therefore I commit myself to stop and breathe, apply self-forgiveness and then explain to my partner the pattern that she is participating in and that I will not talk with her until she is reactive.

Day 148 - How words create our world

Talk is cheap, they say, but we create our world and who we are with words. When we think, we use the words in our minds and we somehow believe that what we think about is not significant, because it is not real and no one can see what we think. But thinking words leads to speaking them and speaking is already a physical action, because we have to move and create the sound. Every action has a consequence and we can never really take back what we said, because it was a physical action that has an impact on ourselves and also our surroundings. Thus it is important that we use the words in ways that are supportive for all and not in ways that create abuse or conflict.

Right now we, as human beings, have some problems with how we handle the words. One of this problems is that our words are often not just words with a common meaning. Everyone usually has a somewhat different understanding of the same words that we speak, because we didn't all learn them from the same dictionary and mostly not even from a dictionary, but from listening to other people speaking. Thus we mostly created our meaning, our understanding of the words according to how we perceived every individual word being used in practical examples by our parents and others. Therefore, we often have a problem understanding each other, because the words we used to explain ourselves can have a different meaning in our minds than in someone else's mind. It is important that we are aware of this, because then, when we have a hard time understanding another, we know that we can look at how we defined individual words and make sure that we all understand them in the same way. It happened to me many times that I was talking about a point with another and it looked like at first as if we don't agree with each other, but we actually did, as we were both speaking about the same thing, we just used different words, because we had a different understanding of the same words. Thus, the conflict was in how we defined, perceived and used the words, although we were talking about the same thing. So, it is important that we redefine our words by firstly removing all the definitions, memories and emotional energies that we attached to the words and to then redefine every word in a way that is neutral, which means that we only keep the basic definition of the word that will support us and others when using it. And so with this we will no longer react to the word with emotions. We often do this; we emotionally react to the the words others speak, especially if they put a lot of emotion in the words, because we take it personally. This is the problem that always creates the biggest conflicts in our conversations - when we take the words personally and allow ourselves to get emotional and then abuse others and our surroundings by aggressively and violently channeling this emotional energy out and onto others. No excuse can ever be valid for us being emotional and using this energy to abuse others, by either yelling at them or even getting in a physical fight, because we ourselves are the only ones responsible for the emotional energy that we created within ourselves.

We must always be aware of the fact that speaking words is already an action that has a consequence. Therefore, we must make sure that we use the action of speaking only in a way that is supportive for all. Whenever we speak and create conflict and abuse, we must immediately stop, with self-aware breathing, and deal with our own reactions, emotions and intentions with self-forgiveness and self-correction. The words we think and speak are the words we use to create ourselves and the world around us, thus we can only be responsibly for ourselves and what we do by being responsible for the words we think and speak. If we want to live in a world that is best for all, then we must start by thinking and speaking about it with words that will make it possible.

Day 147 - Reacting to my partner

I went for a walk with my partner and as we were talking, I saw from the voice of my partner that she hides some judgments towards me and to this I reacted by taking it personally, feeling offended and inferior. In that reaction I wanted to show my partner that she is reacting, but I could not do that effectively because I was also reacting myself and so we both fueled the argument for a while before we stopped. Thus I have to write more Self Forgiveness on the point of me reacting to my partner specifically when I see her having judgments towards me. What I see in this is that when I sense judgment / energetic reaction in my partner's voice, I then think about what that is and in this I come up with my own judgments that I have towards myself and so project and believe that this is what my partner thinks and so I take it personally, because I believe my own judgments towards me being inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's voice with self-judgment, blame and anger when I realized that she is speaking from a point of emotional judgmental reaction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self-judgment when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and believe that I have to defend my equal status when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me. I realize that I am reacting to my partner by judging myself and believing that since my partner is judging me, this means that I have done something wrong and am now inferior and have to defend myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner and her reactions with my own reactions of inferiority and the feeling of being offended - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to no more participate in the reaction / emotion of feeling offended when my partner judges me or is angry with me, instead I make sure that I am clear and the I assist my partner with her pattern / reaction of judgment / anger by showing her with my own example how we can remove all the reactions and apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to defend myself in any kind of an argument. I realize that whenever I feel like I should defend myself, this is the point of ego where my mind actually tries to defend itself and exist as it is and not change or remove the pattern. I realize that when I am aware here in the breath with no ego / mind, there is no need for me to defend anything through words because words can only be used to defend one's mind patterns / ego, but nothing physical. Thus whenever I see / realize that I am trying to defend something through words - I stop and breathe. I take notice and realize that I went into a point of ego and that I am trying to defend a mind pattern. Thus I commit myself to in such moment look at what in my mind I am trying to defend and so apply Self Forgiveness on the point and remove the pattern that I believe in and so try to keep as a part of my ego, because I know and understand that I only limit myself with such patterns.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self judgment when and as I see / realize that I have been participating in an abusive energetic mind pattern, like watching women from the point of desire for sexual arousal. I realize and understand that there is no need for me to go into self judgment or feeling inferior, even when I speak about my patterns with my partner or others and even if/when my partner / another is judgmental towards the pattern that she/he sees in me, because this reactions will never help or change anything. In fact, such reactions are another protective mechanism of the mind where then one focuses one's attention towards this reaction / judgment and makes a big deal out of it, instead of just looking at self in self-honesty and seeing where one works the same way and so removing the pattern, or simply assist another without any judgments / reactions, with one's own practical examples of change, so that another can come to a realization quicker and see how one can change self in a way that is best for all.

Day 146 - Working through the fear of authority

My previous blog is in Slovene.

Today I went to see the director of the firm where I get my scholarship to ask him if I will get it for my final year and if there is any chance for me to work there. I always get nervous in such situations where I perceive that my future is at stake and that I could screw it up and disappoint myself. I already wrote on the point of being scared of having to meet a perceived authority etc. I observed myself again today to see how I still react. Before the meeting a felt the fear an tension coming up in my stomach. I started to apply breathing and I done some SF on the obvious points that came to mind. I noticed that the fear started to rise when I started to think about what am I going to say and which words should I use and how will it look like when I meet the director. I managed to keep the level of fear at a lower level than I usually would, but only when I really directed myself to breathe effectively and I was still nervous. I also felt the adrenaline and how I was unable to stay calm and relaxed, I felt how I got shaky and how my muscles twitched. I have to do more Self Forgiveness on the pattern of going into imagining what to say and what will it look like when I meet someone that I perceive as authority and see if any memories come up in relation to it from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into imagination where I try to imagine the perfect scenario of what I will say and how I will behave when meeting a person that I perceive as authority, because by doing this I try to avoid what I am scared of - that I will screw up the opportunity for myself to get what I want and so disappoint myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look at the act of me meeting with someone that I perceive as an authority, as an act of me having to be selfish and making sure that I get what I want from that person. I realize that I am within this having a selfish approach where I consider only what I want for myself and so fear that I will not get it because I project this selfishness onto the other person and as believe / see that I will probably not get what I want, because I see / perceive that the other person is more powerful from the point of having the power to decide what I get and what not or what my future will be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to approach people that I perceive as an authority from the point of what is best for all, where I would also consider them. In this way I am constructive for both of us where I then do not have to fear that I will loose what I am working towards because there is no real reason that I would, as long as what I want is best for me and another - thus best for all - except if another person only works in selfishness, in which case I would not be able to work with this person in the way that is best for both of us and best for all anyway.

When and as I see myself going into imagination about what should I say, which words should I use and how should I behave when I am about to meet a person that I perceive as an authority - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am with this only creating the pattern of fear and nervousness, because I am within this pattern judging myself by trying to compare different reactions from others to see which outcomes would mean a bigger failure / disappointment for me and so in imagining these failures / disappointments already create the feeling of it and the fear of it as if it already happened. I realize that with this I already create the path for me to actually manifest it - which is unnecessary and self-sabotaging. Therefore I commit myself to immediately stop such thoughts of trying to imagine what I will say or how I will behave. Instead I prepare for the event by clarifying my objective / goal within myself by seeing what I would like to achieve and by also considering others within this goal - and so not making it selfish - where I do not just consider myself in what I want and so do not have to fear of not achieving the goal. And if I do not achieve it, then I could not have anyways, because the other party is not ready to consider or help me with my intentions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into extensive fear, like the future of my whole life is in my own hands, where I can screw it up by just one words/a> or deed that I will do, when my father confronted me and wanted to know what I think about something or how will I decide on something or what I want to do / be in the future. I realize and understand that in that moment I went into imagination where I tried to imagine all the possibilities and tried to figure out what my father wants to hear so that he will be pleased and will not be angry with me. Therefore I commit myself to no more go into fear when someone asks me about what I think about something, how I will decide on something or what I want to do / be in the future, because I am not helping myself with this and so the fear is pointless and not necessary. Instead I breathe, look at the question and direct myself as the answer that I not only best for me but also best for all. And if I in that moment cannot come up with such an answer I simply admit that I am not clear on it and that I will have to investigate it.