Day 251 - Expressiveness

I have been looking at expressiveness and how experience myself often as holding back my expression. Here are the self-forgiveness points I wrote out:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being expressive as positive and within this desire to be more expressive and feel negative when I see myself as not expressive enough. When and as I see myself defining being expressive as positive and desire to be more expressive and feel negative when I see myself as not expressive enough – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have created an unnecessary polarity by defining the word expressive as positive. Thus I commit myself to not define the word expressive as positive anymore and to not create desire to be more expressive, instead I understand that everything is an expression and so I can rather look at where I see I am not expressing what I could because I hold myself back.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to my expression with negativity, non-acceptance, mockery, rejection, negative judgment. When and as I see myself fearing that others will react to my expression with negativity, non-acceptance, mockery, rejection, negative judgment – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to take such reaction personally as they are just projection/reactions of others and who they are and not me and who I am. I realize and understand that fearing negative reactions to my expression is pointless as it does not help me or protect me in any way. Thus I commit myself to not fear negative reaction to my expression from others, instead I take them simply as feedback that I can use to improve myself in relation to the goals I want to achieve.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool out of myself where no one will take me seriously anymore and see me as their equal. When and as I see myself fearing that I will make a fool out of myself where no one will take me seriously anymore and see me as their equal – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when someone wants to perceive me as a fool, that is his/hers projection of his/her own judgments that are just that and nothing more. I realize and understand that if someone does not want to see and accept me as his/her equal, no matter what I said or did, this is as well the projection of his/her own judgments and separation of superiority/inferiority that he/she has not dealt with yet and so, I am for him/her just a mirror of his/her own inner conflict. I realize that it is useless for me to wish/want from others to take me as their equal, because I cannot control others. I can only make sure that I always see myself equal to others and others equal to me as Life, no matter what they say or do. Thus I commit myself to stop fearing that I will make a fool out of myself and that others will not take me seriously and see me as their equal, instead I commit myself to never separate from others by seeing/defining/judging them as fools or by not taking them seriously or by thinking that I am more/less than them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression with other’s expression to see who is more expressive. When and as I see myself comparing my expression with others – I stop and breathe. I realize that this is pointless as the only consequence of it is the idea of superiority/inferiority of one’s expression in relation to another’s. Thus I commit myself to not compare my expression with others; instead I look at how I can express myself in new ways and where I am not expressing fully because of fears.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of other people who I see/perceive to be more expressive and relaxed than me. When and as I see myself becoming jealous of other people who I see/perceive to be more expressive and relaxed than me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that being jealous is pointless as I will not help myself with it. Instead I commit myself to look at the cause of my holding back/fearing expressing what I wanted and letting go of the fears by self-forgiveness and expressing myself without fears.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my nervousness/fears around strangers by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear. When and as I see myself justifying my nervousness/fears around strangers by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am simply not allowing myself to be completely self-honest and accept the real reasons/causes for my fears/nervousness towards strangers for the moment, so that I can let them go with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself to no more accept the justification that I don’t know how to not be nervous/fear when I am around strangers, instead I make sure that I allow myself to be completely self-honest and accept the causes/reasons/sources of my fears and nervousness towards strangers for the moment and let them go with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I am not/don’t know how to be expressive around strangers when I see others how they talk with strangers with no hesitation/difficulty. When and as I see myself taking it as a confirmation that I am not/don’t know how to be expressive around strangers when I see them talk to stranger without hesitation/difficulty – I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not help myself by confirming to myself that I am not expressive through judgmental comparison. Thus I commit myself to rather instead look at the source/cause of my fears/nervousness/hesitation towards speaking to a stranger and let them go with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by going into frustration and powerlessness in relation to holding myself back/fearing of expressing myself more, especially around strangers. When and as I see myself sabotaging myself by going into frustration and powerlessness in relation to holding myself back/fearing of expressing myself more, especially around strangers – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I will not help myself by going/staying in the experience of frustration and powerlessness. This I commit myself to not sabotage myself by going into frustration and powerlessness when I see/perceive I hold back my expression, instead I look at the cause/source of my fears and let them go with self-forgiveness.

Day 250 - Fearlesness

I have been looking at the point of fearlessness and my desire to be without fears. Bellow are the self-forgiveness points I wrote out so far.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being fearless as positive and having fear as negative and within this adding unnecessary extra judgment towards my experience of when I have fears or when I don’t. When and as I see myself defining/judging fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as negative – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that judging/defining/perceiving fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as negative will not help me be stable and self-directive, because when I start judging having fears I don't apply the solution of looking what the fear is about and stopping it, and then I just create the desire to not fear, while I fear. Thus I commit myself to stop defining fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as positive, instead I simply see it as an experience where fear either is or is not involved.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be fearless because I perceived it as something positive. When and as I see myself desiring to be fearless – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that by desiring I am just creating another layer of feelings, instead of look at the source of fears and stopping it. Thus I commit myself to no more desire to be fearless and to instead look at the source of fear that comes up and remove it with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always have fears and not be self-confident and inferior. When and as I see myself fearing that I will always have fears and not be self-confident – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this fearing the fear itself. Thus I commit myself to always make sure that I do not fear the fear itself, but instead take it as an indicator that I haven’t look at the specific point and directed it without self-sabotage/self-doubt. So I look at the point and remove all self-sabotage/self-doubt/self-judgment with self-forgiveness and direct myself in self-certainty without fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide that I would like to know how to be fearless and wonder about it, instead of looking at the cause of my fears and removing them. When and as I see myself thinking about how it would be to be fearless – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I can only make stop fears by looking self-honestly at the cause of my fears and removing it with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself that instead of wondering about how fearlessness looks like, I will find the cause of my fears and remove them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of my schoolmate when I saw her being self-confident and without fears. When and as I see myself seeing/perceiving someone being fearless and becoming jealous – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I don’t help myself by being jealous; instead I can take the moment to enjoy the self-expression of the person and realize that all it takes to stop my fears is to look at the source cause of it and remove it with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself to not create jealousy towards people I see/perceive as being fearless, but to instead enjoy the moment of self-expression with them and apply self-forgiveness on the causes for my fears that may come up within me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the point of “I don’t know how not to fear” as a justification for keeping my fears. When and as I see myself thinking “I don’t know how now to fear” – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am not being self-honest, because I know me and I know what I fear and why. Thus I commit myself to not accept the justification of “I don’t know how not to fear” and to instead have a self-honest look at the cause/source of my fears and apply self-forgiveness to let them go as I don’t need them and they don’t serve me or help me in any way.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop my fears when I see I have fears coming up while comparing myself with someone else for whom I see/perceive has no fears. When and as I see myself taking it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop fears in moment where I realize I have fears coming up – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I simply haven’t allowed myself to admit the cause/source of my fears to myself yet. Thus I commit myself to no more take it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop fears when I see fears coming up, instead I allow myself to be brutally self-honesty with myself and see the cause/source of my fears and apply self-forgiveness to let it go as I know and understand that fears don’t help or protect me at all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear and how to find the source of my fears. When and as I see myself sabotaging myself by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear and how to find out the source of my fears – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I simply have to slow down my thoughts, breathe more, write out the experience and ask more questions to see and come to the source of my fears to then remove them with self-forgiveness and let them go. Thus I commit myself to, when I see I have fears coming up, stop, breathe, slow down my thoughts and write out the experience and allow myself to be brutally self-honest and see the cause/source of my fears and then let it go with self-forgiveness.

2012 - Anger, spite, blame reactions

Taking self-responsibility for my reactions when dealing with conflict situations:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and to react in spite when someone threatens me and blackmails me (with money). When and as I see myself getting angry and spiteful when someone threatens me and blackmails me (with money) – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to get angry and spiteful when someone threatens me and blackmails me (with money), instead I make sure that I am clear of all reactions and I direct the situation in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must defend myself at all costs when someone blames, reacts or is angry with me, instead of breathing and stopping all reactions until I am clear within myself before I speak. When and as I see myself believing that I must defend myself from someone's reaction of blame and anger – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into defense and to believe that I must defend my position against the attack, instead I make sure that I am clear of any reactions within myself before I speak and I direct myself in common sense and as an example of taking responsibility for self and others in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak in anger and spite instead of stopping myself and making sure that I am clear from any reactions before I speak. When and as I see myself being angry, spiteful, emotional before I speak – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to react and speak out of anger, spite or energetic emotion. Instead I breathe and I say out loud that I am in an energetic emotion and that I will not speak until I make sure that I am clear of all reactions within myself and I direct myself with breathing to stop all reactions and emotions before I speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to say out loud that I am in an energetic reaction and that I will not participate in energetic games and will not communicate until I make sure that I am clear from all energetic reactions and emotions. When and as I see myself fearing to say out loud that I am in an energetic reaction / emotion – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself by fearing to speak out loud about my reactions / emotions. Instead I breathe and I stop and break the fear pattern by whistling and/or by snapping my fingers and I speak out loud that I am in and energetic reaction / emotion and will not speak until I make sure that I am clear of any energetic reactions/emotions/anger/spite within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and spite when someone is spiteful towards me and makes spiteful, blaming comments towards me. When and as I see myself going into a reaction, anger and spite towards someone that makes spiteful, blaming comments – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to react in spite and anger when someone makes spiteful comments towards me. Instead I breathe and I direct myself to make sure that I have no energetic reactions or emotions within me before I speak to direct the situation in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when they blame me. I realize that this will only make the conflict bigger and will not support anyone. When and as I see myself blaming others when they blame me - I stop, I breathe. Instead I do not blame others and I take points back to myself and I reflect them in self-honesty and commit myself to write out the points that come up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and take onto myself the blame of others when others blame me. I realize that other's blame is not my own and that I have to focus on my own points of blame and look self-honestly at myself where do I still blame myself. When and as I see myself blaming myself and taking onto myself the blame of others - I stop, I breathe. Instead I look at myself in self-honesty where do I still blame and judge myself and I commit myself to write out the self-blame and self-judgment until it is gone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and react with anger when others blame me. I realize that this will only make the conflict worse and will not assist anyone. When and as I see myself getting/being angry and reacting when someone blames me - I stop, I breathe. Instead I re-do my self-forgiveness statements on blame/anger/reactions and stop myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in self-interest and not always also consider others and put myself into others shoes. I realize that by doing so I accept and allow abuse to happen as I only see my self-interest and don't consider others. When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to act in self-interest where I do not also equally consider others - I stop, I breathe. Instead I look self-honestly at what is the origin of my self interest and I commit myself to write out and correct the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of angry, reactive and violent people, to fear that they will hurt me and that I am responsible for their anger, reactions and violence. I realize that I must first reflect myself in self-honesty and make sure that I do not react and fear when interacting/speaking with others because by doing so I accept and allow these reactions to exist. When and as I see myself being afraid of angry, reactive and violent people and to fear that they will hurt me and that I am responsible for their anger, reactions and violence - I stop, I breathe. Instead I realize that I must firstly stop my own fears, anger and reactions and make sure that I do not react when speaking with others and that I do not fear conflict situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for wanting to end the energetic agreement/relationship with X and not live with her anymore. I realize that all energetic relationships must stop and that I made my decision in order to stop the energetic relationship X and I created between ourselves. When and as I see myself blaming myself for wanting to end the agreement/relationship with X  and don't live with her anymore - I stop, I breathe. Instead I focus on my points and I commit myself to write out in self-honesty the points that come up in my interaction with others.