Day 134 - Self-responsibility towards my reactions and those of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not consider my partners' reactions and to instead fear them and with this not direct the point in a way that is acceptable for all where I take full responsibility for my intentions and actions and show others that we all have to do this in order to direct and co-create this reality the way that is best for all of us. When and as I see myself fearing my partner's/another's reactions - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must take self-responsibility to stop the fear and direct the whole situation where I do everything I can to stand as an example of how to be open, transparent and direct myself and others in a way that is acceptable and supportive for all. I commit myself to no longer fear the reactions of others and to immediately apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breathe with common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to avoid the topic of my reactions or my partner's reactions whenever I realize / see a point that needs direction. When and as I see myself avoiding the point of a reaction that came up in me or between me and my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that if I do not direct the reaction in that moment, to firstly apply self-forgiveness for my reactions and then talk with my partner and direct the situation to a mutual understanding and agreement that supports all, then the reaction will come back the next time and be worse. Therefore I commit myself to direct every reaction within myself and between me and my partner immediately.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for reactions that come up within me and between ourselves. When and as I see myself blaming my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must take full responsibility for all my reactions that come up within myself the same as my partner has to and I realize that I must always stand as an example in taking self-responsibility for my reactions because this is the only way that I will be able to stop the abusive cycle of spitefulness, justifications and blame. Therefore I commit myself to not have any expectations towards my partner taking self-responsibility and helping me with this because this is only an excuse for me to not take full self-responsibility immediately and stop all reactions and abuse and direct myself in breath and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my partner is making fun of me and about what I am doing in trying to bring me down and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and be superior towards my partner and try to blame her and find faults in her so that I would feel better and superior myself. When and as I see myself feeling inferior or trying to feel superior towards my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I must be humble to see in self-honesty what I am doing and to be able to talk/support myself and my partner in a way that is best for all. I commit myself to be aware of the need for humbleness and to practice humbleness whenever I talk with my partner to be a point of support for myself and my partner.

Day 133 - On my authority problems and "freezing" situation

I have this reaction to perceive authority where I fear the response of the "authority" and consequently "freeze" and become paralyzed because of the fear. I know that this originates from my interactions with my father because I never directed myself effectively in certain situations when this occurred. So I am exploring here the points to self-forgive and correct in order to remove my reaction of fear towards the perceived "authorities".

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival and ability to survive and be effective in this world is dependent on how others perceive me and what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that people with perceived authority over me and experience that I don't have, can completely decide my future in a ways where I am powerless and where I have no influence.

Further I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear such people and to perceive myself as inferior to them when they do not agree with me or support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that authority over me exists.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed to realize that the only authority over me is me and that I have all the power to decide who I am in relation to others and how I feel and so I can stop all reactions of fear and inferiority/superiority towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will "freeze" in front of other where I will not know / be able to speak coherently and with common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into fear whenever I think of/imagine myself "freezing" in front of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I must know in advance what and how I am going to say something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into "freeze" and the feeling of fear whenever my father spoke to me / asked me something / demanded something from me in anger/spite/emotion and so allowed myself to be paralyzed by the fear, instead of taking self-responsibility and directing myself in breath with the realization that no one has the authority over me and that no one has the right to hurt me or mock me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the same as I do not have the right to mock and judge someone in spitefulness because this is unacceptable abuse, the same way others do not have the right to do so and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will mock / judge me in spitefulness and to believe that I am the "faulty one" when this happens and then feel inferior, instead of realizing that I do not have to take this personally and react back, but simply direct myself in breath and show the person that the way he/she acts in spitefulness is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will react to me with spitefulness and to fear that I will then go into fear and "freeze". Whenever I see myself fearing that someone will react to me with spitefulness and/or that I will "freeze" - I stop and breathe. I realize that reactions of spitefulness are not acceptable and that I do not have to react to them, therefore I commit myself to in such moments not react or go into fear but direct myself in breath here.