Day 90 - A moment with myself

My previous blog is in Slovene.

I haven't written a blog for a long time. But now I finally have a moment to be with myself. My partner went to a vacation so I am with myself and I enjoy it. I realized that I take my partner as a constant bourdain, because I have so many resistances and reactions coming up while she is around me. I feel like I am being forced and controlled. This has to come from the beginning when we moved together into this apartment, when I just moved away from my previous girlfriend and so I still had desires towards her and my current partner always lived in paranoia of me wanting to go back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being controlled and forced by my partner when she is around me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created this feelings around my partner when I was afraid that she will leave me if I don't act/behave according to her expectations.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this feelings of resistance and inferiority that I created within myself when being around her.

When and as I see myself going into resistance, fear, inferiority when I am around my partner - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to go into the feeling of resistance, fear, inferiority when I am around my partner, instead I state that I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled by these reactions/emotions and I direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is the cause of my fear, inferiority and resistance.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the cause of the fear, inferiority and resistance when I am around my partner as I have created these energies.

When and as I see myself seeing myself reacting to my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am creating these reactions and so I commit myself to clearly state that I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by these reactions, instead I breathe and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner has an influence on me that is bad for me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can be grateful for the points that come up around my partner as I can so easily see where I still have not faced a point and directed it in breath as myself as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification of 'my partner is a bad influence on me' to avoid facing my reactions and blaming my partner for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my reactions.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that my partner is a bad influence on me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only be influenced as much as I accept and allow and no more. Therefore I commit myself to no more think/believe that my partner is a bad influence on me and I stop avoiding facing self-responsibility on how I accept and allow myself to be influenced by others. I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for my reactions around my partner and others and I commit myself to focus on myself and my reactions around my partner and others and remove them until I can stand clear in the breathe around my partner and not react to her or others and direct myself in the breathe according to what is best for all.

Day 88 - Allowing myself to be patient with myself

Day 87 is in Slovene.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down and breathe whenever I create, experience a resistance, depression, repulsion, negativity within and as me towards a specific activity, thought. When and as I see myself experiencing resistance, depression, repulsion, negativity towards a specific activity, thought - I stop and breathe. I stabilize myself with breathing and I apply self-forgiveness on the thoughts I see coming up within me. I commit myself to gently move myself within the physical, while being aware of my breath, to work on/go through the planned activity and to apply self-forgiveness and slow down whenever I start creating resistances or experience too-muchness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define, perceive the activities that have to be done and are mandatory as negative, boring and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistance, repulsion, negativity within myself towards such activities. I realize and understand that this is the negative side/polarity of my mind construct where I on the other hand define activities that are not mandatory, repetitive and that don't require thinking, memorizing, logic, data/information filtering or heavy and long physical work as fun and interesting. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define such activities as positive, interesting, fun and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a positive experience, feeling within and as myself towards them. I commit myself to stop the polarity of good, positive, fun experiences, definitions and also the bad, negative, resistance, repulsion experiences within myself and to instead breath and direct myself here as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into thinking whenever I do not understand, remember, know how exactly I should do an exercise where I go into my mind and start looking for a solution and then create resistance, nervousness. I realize and understand that whenever I get stuck, don't know what to do, how to do something, I have to slow myself down and breathe and not go into paranoid thinking and searching for all the possibilities within my mind as quickly as possible as I will with this only create more nervousness, resistance and confusion for myself. I commit myself to within such situations slow down and breathe and follow the first practical, common sense direction, solution that comes up and then stick to that within breath and not think about all the other possibilities while I direct myself as I will with this only distract and confuse myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself enough time to do my activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put the time restriction and the pressure of doing it quickly and 'in time' when I do an activity. When and as I see myself thinking, creating a perceived time limit and with this time pressure within myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that by creating time restriction for myself I only create nervousness and stress for myself where I want to do an activity as quickly as possible, instead of focusing on the activity itself and on what is here. Therefore I commit myself to not wish/want/desire to finish with an activity as quickly as possible but to instead focus on breath and what is here and on the activity itself and I commit myself to give myself time and move/direct myself slowly in the breath.

I forgive myself that I hadn't accepted and allowed myself to be patient, tolerant and gentle with myself.

I forgive myself that I hadn't accepted and allowed myself to move slowly and within the breath.

I forgive myself that I hadn't accepted and allowed myself to slow down my thoughts, my mind.

I forgive myself that I hadn't accepted and allowed myself to look at my thoughts with patience.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire to look through all my thoughts and patterns as quickly as possible and remove them as quickly as possible, instead of slowing myself down and looking at them one by one while breathing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that looking at each and every thought and pattern is too slow and that it will take too long for me to remove them and go through all of them in this way. I realize and understand that slowing myself down with breathing and allowing myself to look at my every thought slowly, is the only way that I can see, realize and understand my mind and how it works and how I create(d) the patterns, so that I can remove, delete them and correct them/myself within common sense and what is best for all. I commit myself to always slow myself down with breath and be patient with myself and to allow myself to look at all my thoughts and patterns slowly while breathing and being here so that I can see the patterns, thoughts, reactions that come up and remove them with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing out my patterns and mind constructs every day is not effective enough and to within this create resistance and repulsion towards writing so that I could avoid it and blame my resistance, negative experience for it. I realize and understand that the only effective way for me to get to know my mind and my patterns is to be patient with myself and write them out every day so that I can see them and remove them and correct myself and make myself a better and more effective being within common sense and what is best for all. I commit myself to accept and allow myself to be patient and gentle with myself within writing out my mind patterns every day.

I realize and understand that the things I do for myself as Life to be better, more effective and free from the mind patterns and energetic addictions will stay with me and I realize and understand that only I can make myself better, more effective, less addicted and limited and that this 'who I am as Life' as I create myself is the only real thing about me that matters as everything else is not me and will not last as it is just energetic mind patterns. I commit myself to remind myself with every breath that the real me as Life is me here in the physical in breath, without any thoughts and energetic reactions, feelings, emotions and that I can only be here as me as Life when I direct myself in breath within common sense and what is best for all, without accepting and allowing myself to be influenced and directed by my mind as thoughts, feelings emotions, fears, resistances, desires...

Day 81 - Writing

Day 80 is in Slovene.

Writing is a very useful tool for getting to know oneself, for removing one's mind and for giving self direction as I have found out as I started to write out my mind patterns and as I applied self-forgiveness for the patterns. Lately it often happens that when I sit down to write, I do not find a point immediately and then I allow the backchat within myself like: "I don't have any point coming up and so I don't see the point of writing just for the sake of writing right now."

I forgive myself for a not accepting and allowing myself to sit and be with myself and just start writing whatever first comes up or writing about a point I saw around me that is not according to common sense and what is best for all to expose it and learn to direct it in a way that is best for all Life. I commit myself to not give into the backchat of giving up when I sit to write and nothing comes up immediately. Instead I commit myself to just start writing about whatever comes up first that I experienced that day or about o point that I saw and realized is not according to what is best for all to expose it to myself and all and to learn to direct it within common sense and what is best for all Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to a point that I enjoy doing and within this build expectations of how I am going to experience myself while doing it as I realize and understand that I within this create a polarity within myself, where I define an activity that I enjoy doing as something more than and something to look forward to and on the other hand, I define and activity that I don't enjoy as something less than and so create resistance and more friction towards it. I commit myself to to not define activities that I enjoy as something more than and to not look forward to doing them within the expectation of how I am going to feel/experience myself. Instead I commit myself to always breathe here in the moment and remove al expectations with self-forgiveness.

Day 78 - Stopping resistance towards my activities by stopping backchat

My previous blog is in Slovene.

When I prepare myself to write I get a sense of resistance and my throat muscles tighten. I think of what I should write about and almost nothing comes up at first. I think about writing about sexual attraction, but I don't know what else to write that I haven't written out yet, thus I think I should just live out the physical corrections.

What I see would be best for me at the moment is to train myself to not accept and follow the energetic impulses of positivity and also to not try and avoid the negative emotions, reactions, but to in both cases direct myself to stand through the energetic impulse until it passes and also write out any new point I see coming up within that.

The points where I can best apply this correction atm is in the case of negative reactions/resistance, when I have work to do for school and when directing myself to write a blog every day and when I do my SRA lessons. The positive points come up when I think of playing a game or watching a movie or going out instead of directing myself to do something that I should do as it is common sense and best for all and that I will have to do anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the backchat of postponement within and as myself. When and as I see myself allowing the backchat of postponement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that whenever I allow the postponement backchat, I make it more and more difficult for myself to direct myself to do what I have to do and I build more and more resistance, instead of simply doing it within breath. I realize and understand that when I do not allow myself the backchat of postponement and self-sabotage, directing myself within doing any task is as simple as breathing, but when I allow myself to have more and more thoughts of self-sabotage, I make it more and more difficult for myself as I create more and more energy, emotion, resistance with which I sabotage myself. Therefore I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to create thoughts and backchat of postponement, instead I commit myself to direct myself in breath to do what I have to do while simply being here, breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define times, situations when I have done everything I had to do and when I do not have to plan/think about what to do next as more relaxing, enjoyable, happier, more fun and on the other side I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define times, situations when I have to plan, think and figure out how and what to do next, as stressful, not enjoyable. When and as I see myself not enjoying myself and being stressed out or enjoying myself, being happy and relaxed - I stop and breathe. I look at the point that I have defined that results in me experiencing myself in this way and I remove the point with self forgiveness as I realize and understand that it is a point of polarity that I can remove and so always be here in the breath, stable, without swinging between one or the other mood/feeling polarity with which I only compromise myself, distract myself and make myself uneffective. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to swing between moods of resistance, stress and unhappiness and on the other side desire, relaxedness and happiness, instead I commit myself to remove these polarities within myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself stable, here in the breath, so that I can always direct myself in stability and without resistance, just like I can breathe stably and without resistance.

Day 72 - Going for a walk

I had enough of myself today, living the same patterns, fears and being lazy, never really doing anything for myself. I always wait for something to happen, I wait for others to do something with me or do what others do and I get lost and scared when I am alone. I had enough of myself being like this and I went outside for a walk. It was 1 in the morning and there was chilly outside, everything was white from a thin layer of fresh frosty snow. I started walking across the city towards the big cinema. I knew it will be closed but I didn't care. That was my goal and I enjoyed myself, walking alone. I almost never do something just for myself, alone, I usually do things out of fear or I let my emotions and feelings to direct me, instead of me directing myself. I have to establish my own self-direction and stop fearing being with myself alone, doing things for myself alone. I have to stop waiting for things to happen to me, stopping wishing for this and that and stop fearing doing things for myself alone... I came to the cinema and in deed it was closed, so I continued walking towards the gas station. My partner wished for a chocolate, so I went to look if it is still open. I saw how my experience of myself immediately changed when I decided to go out by myself and for myself, when I decided to no more wait for something to happen or someone to be with me or give me direction. And I realized that this is what I need, what I have to do, start doing things for myself alone, I have to decide for myself what to do and be my own starting point. It doesn't really matter what I will do, what matters is that I decide to do it and do it for myself alone. Not to follow some desires and wishes, but to learn to direct myself alone, to develop self-direction, to learn to be with myself alone and stop fearing being with myself alone and being self-responsible for myself. This is how I will develop self-trust and lose the fear of doing things alone and start living me, being with myself alone, because each of us is alone and we have to be alone together. I am not saying that I have to be or will be actually alone, with no one around, that is irrelevant. What is important is that I start being self-directive and do things for myself alone, with myself, to develop self-trust and not depend on others, wait for others, subdue myself to others. I have to stop waiting for others to give me direction. I have to stop fearing living and being alive, I have to start being my own self-direction without fear and self-judgment.

I came to the gas station and it was closed, so I continued walking. I had no specific goal, but I had self-direction and my principle - walking. I walked and I walked quite fast and I was decisive. That's what I decided to do for myself alone and that is what I was doing and I enjoyed myself in how decisive I was. I walked for about an hour and I went across the city and to the top of a hill with a great view of it and I didn't get tired at all. I realized and decided that this is what I have to do for myself, I have to develop self-direction and determination to do things alone, for myself, to be my own starting point and get rid of all the fears of being self-responsible and learn to be as self-directive and decisive and without fears as I was at that moment, walking. I did it for myself and I was enjoying my self-direction and determination. And I didn't fear to be with myself alone. I always feared being alone, having to do things for myself alone and being self-responsible. And I still do at times, but I have my writings, self-forgiveness and common sense and I know what I want, I always want to be as decisive and as self-directive and without fear as I was when I decided to walk today. And I know that I have a lot of patterns to write out and remove and that fears and laziness and resistances and all the self-limitations of the mind will come back to test me, but I will not subdue to these mind energetic patterns and I will not let myself be less than what I am as Life. And I know that I will fail to stand many times, but I know what I want and I have my walk. I know how it is to walk decisively for self alone, without fear and with self-direction. And so I will walk and direct myself to walk, just as I did this day, and I will have this walk as an example of how self-directive, determined and without fear I can be and I will spread this walk to all parts of myself and my living, to be as best as I can and to not accept anything less from myself than what I really am as Life, in oneness and equality.

Day 71 - Reviewing the main patterns

Day 70 is in Slovene.

I will review my main patterns I see coming up during the day. In the morning I don't get up when I wake up as I avoid facing my responsibilities and so rather lie longer or fall back asleep until it's time to go to college. It's time I stop doing this, so I commit myself to get up at 8 am and make myself a proper breakfast and prepare for the day.

As I am outside I still sometimes allow myself to look and scan for attractive girls, just to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal. I've been writing this pattern out already and I'll have to some more but that should be no excuse for me to not stop participating in it and look at the desires that come up. I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in the pattern of looking/scanning for attractive girls in order to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal and I commit myself to look at the desires that come up and write them out and apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath so that I do not follow the pattern.

When in class I see that I still hold myself back when professor asks questions or when I want to ask a question. Thus I commit myself to not allow the pattern of fear and holding myself back within self-judgment to direct me, instead I apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath to break the pattern and speak or ask the question.

I see how I am constantly allowing myself to be in a survival mode where I fear the future anytime I don't know how to do/solve a task for college or whenever there is a possibility that my partner is going to leave. I will be looking more into these two points.

Fear of not being able to complete my college responsibilities:

The main point here is that when I get to a problem while doing the homework, I allow myself to get nervous and inpatient if I do not find a solution quickly or if/when I realize that in order to get to a solution, I will have to do more work than I expected, where I fear that I will not have enough time to do it. I also allow resistances to come up where I experience myself negatively while I am working and even when I only think about doing tasks for college. This is also a consequence of me not working effectively as I constantly allow myself to distract myself with the desires of positive experiences as I try to run away from or compensate for the negative experiences that I create for myself as I work for college or on my responsibilities  As a consequence of this I create fears of me not being able to finish college as I do not trust myself that I will be able to effectively work through any task that I have to do to be successful. I have already seen how all of these fears and reactions I create are useless and pointless as although I had them, I was always able to do all the tasks successfully in the and, therefore I have to stop compromising myself with these patterns and direct myself in breath. I commit myself to to not accept and allow myself to be directed by fears and resistances and positive/negative experiences as I do work for college or do other responsibilities and I commit myself to stop all these patterns by applying self forgiveness and self direction immediately and writing out the patterns.

Fear of being alone/without a partner:

The first thing coming up is connected again to not trusting self that I will be fine with myself as I have in the past searched and find someone else to help/support me and therefore I didn't take responsibility for myself and so I created a pattern of me not trusting me to solve any problems I might have alone and be fine with myself alone. Therefore I commit myself to write out and investigate the patterns and points where I rely on others and where I search for others to help me instead of me taking self-responsibility for myself alone and apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath to support myself alone and to create self-trust through effective self-direction.

Day 56 - Perception of fun and living vs wasting one's life

Day 55 is in Slovene.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define living and being alive as having fun and within this to define not living and wasting ones life as not having fun, where I have defined 'having fun' as:

- meeting new people and having lots of friends
- doing activities together with friends, like sports, parties, travel, talking, playing games, going out, hanging around, exploring something new to do
- doing something that I define as interesting, exciting, exhilarating or where I experience myself as having a positive feeling while doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'having fun' as meeting new people and having lots of friends and also to define wasting my life as being alone, not meeting people and having no friends. I realize that I am within this participating in an energetic polarity where I try to meet new people and have lots of friends in order to experience myself as 'having fun' and not wasting my life, instead of stopping to participate in this energetic pattern. I commit myself to stop defining and connecting 'having fun' and living as meeting new people and having lots of friends to hang with and to stop experiencing myself as 'not having fun' and wasting my life when I am not meeting new people and have no friends and to instead direct myself here in the breath to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'having fun' as doing activities together with friends, like sports, parties, travel, talking, playing games, going out, hanging around and exploring something new to do and also on the flip side to define 'wasting my life' as being alone and not doing activities with friends, like parties, travel, talking, playing games and being inside and not going out, not hanging with friends and others and not finding something new to do. I realize that I am within this participating in a mind polarity where I would define certain activities and experiences as fun and connect them with living and not wasting ones life and others as not fun and would connect them with wasting one's life and would so experience myself as if I am wasting my life and start to live and be-lie-ve this experience, instead of realizing and understanding that while I am participating in this pattern of my mind/ego, I am actually missing what is important and actually real as life here in this physical reality. Therefore I commit myself to no more define Life and living as 'having fun' as I defined it and to stop participating in this pattern of wishing, wanting and desiring to 'have fun' and to instead actually focus on what is here in every moment and direct myself in breath and self-honesty and do what is best for all, so that we can fix this reality by stopping all the abuse and addiction to energy, emotions and feelings and create a world where all Life is supported equally so that we can all enjoy Life in the best way possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'having fun' as doing something that I define and experience as interesting, exciting, exhilarating or where I experience myself as having a positive feeling while doing it. I realize that within this I participate within an energetic polarity where I define certain activities as positive, interesting, exciting, exhilarating and others as negative and boring and so I try to avoid the latter, instead of stopping participating in the pattern and removing the energetic polarity experience of myself within this. I commit myself to no more define 'having fun' as doing something where I experience myself as being interested, excited and exhilarated, instead I remove all definitions and positive or negative energetic attachments to activities and direct myself here in the breath to do what is best for all Life, so that we can stop the abuse as soon as possible and create a world where all Life is supported equaly and in the best way possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and connect positive experiences and feelings with having fun and living and negative experiences and emotions with wasting my life and to within this try to avoid the latter instead of stopping the pattern of creating and participating the polarity energetic experiences within myself. I commit myself to all the patterns where I define experiences as positive or negative until I am always the same here in the breath, directing myself the way that is best for all Life.