As I am outside I still sometimes allow myself to look and scan for attractive girls, just to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal. I've been writing this pattern out already and I'll have to some more but that should be no excuse for me to not stop participating in it and look at the desires that come up. I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in the pattern of looking/scanning for attractive girls in order to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal and I commit myself to look at the desires that come up and write them out and apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath so that I do not follow the pattern.
When in class I see that I still hold myself back when professor asks questions or when I want to ask a question. Thus I commit myself to not allow the pattern of fear and holding myself back within self-judgment to direct me, instead I apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath to break the pattern and speak or ask the question.
I see how I am constantly allowing myself to be in a survival mode where I fear the future anytime I don't know how to do/solve a task for college or whenever there is a possibility that my partner is going to leave. I will be looking more into these two points.
Fear of not being able to complete my college responsibilities:
The main point here is that when I get to a problem while doing the homework, I allow myself to get nervous and inpatient if I do not find a solution quickly or if/when I realize that in order to get to a solution, I will have to do more work than I expected, where I fear that I will not have enough time to do it. I also allow resistances to come up where I experience myself negatively while I am working and even when I only think about doing tasks for college. This is also a consequence of me not working effectively as I constantly allow myself to distract myself with the desires of positive experiences as I try to run away from or compensate for the negative experiences that I create for myself as I work for college or on my responsibilities As a consequence of this I create fears of me not being able to finish college as I do not trust myself that I will be able to effectively work through any task that I have to do to be successful. I have already seen how all of these fears and reactions I create are useless and pointless as although I had them, I was always able to do all the tasks successfully in the and, therefore I have to stop compromising myself with these patterns and direct myself in breath. I commit myself to to not accept and allow myself to be directed by fears and resistances and positive/negative experiences as I do work for college or do other responsibilities and I commit myself to stop all these patterns by applying self forgiveness and self direction immediately and writing out the patterns.
Fear of being alone/without a partner:
The first thing coming up is connected again to not trusting self that I will be fine with myself as I have in the past searched and find someone else to help/support me and therefore I didn't take responsibility for myself and so I created a pattern of me not trusting me to solve any problems I might have alone and be fine with myself alone. Therefore I commit myself to write out and investigate the patterns and points where I rely on others and where I search for others to help me instead of me taking self-responsibility for myself alone and apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath to support myself alone and to create self-trust through effective self-direction.
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