Day 50 - Hiding behind friendships

I can see how I have built my relationships with friends, partners and others based on fear of survival and fear of being alone, the last actually being fear of having to face myself alone and take complete self-responsibility for myself. People do that all the time, we start to define those who we build relationships with as special and more important than other people because we gain or fulfill a particular self-interest through them, like getting validation, feeling of safety or some other positive feeling that we create for ourselves when we are with our 'special' friends in order to compensate for our negative emotions and experiences that we create for ourselves when we perceive ourselves as lonely and feel sad, depressed, helpless, unwanted... Within this we give away our self-responsibility to take care of ourselves and be happy and fulfilled when we are with ourselves alone and so we constantly seek company/friends to hide from ourselves while in their company and so as we seek to be accepted from them, we allow the abuse and ignorance that is happening among friends, where all more or less just look for validation from each other and a positive feeling/experience through talking with each other, supporting each others self-interested personalities and ignoring the fact that we all have to actually practically change ourselves and work together in order to create a system that is Best for All, such as the Equal Money Capitalism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to know what my ex-partner and friends are doing and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as an excuse to be able to meet them. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to know what my ex-partner and friends are doing - I stop and I breathe. I realize that within giving into these desires I give into fears of being alone and being completely self-responsible and also into fear of not being able to get positive feelings of comfort/safety/validation/being part of a group. I commit myself to not accept and allow the desires/wishes/wants of knowing what my ex-partner and friends are doing and to also find and remove all points with which I trigger these reactions in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeing a picture or remembering my ex-partner and friends to immediately react with fear of loneliness and with sadness and to within this wish/want/desire to visit them and be with them in order to try and compensate for the negative emotions I just created with positive emotions I would create within myself when I would meet them. When and as I see myself seeing a picture or remembering my ex-partner and friends - I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself am responsible for creating these fears and desires within myself that I experience as negative and then go into sadness, loneliness and seek compensation, instead of not allowing myself to create these energetic polarities within myself in the first place. I commit myself to no more create and go into fear and feelings of loneliness and sadness and then desire to meet my ex-partner and friends whenever I see a picture of her/them or remember her/them, instead I direct myself in breath and state: "No, I will not accept and allow myself to experience fear, loneliness or sadness in relation to my ex-partner and friends as this is not who I am and not who and how I want to be and exist/experience myself."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish/want/desire to be popular/desired/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends so that I would have help and support when I need it and to within this give into my fear of being alone and completely self-responsible to take care for myself. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to be popular/desires/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am giving into the fear of taking complete self responsibility for myself and so I commit myself to stop all fears of taking complete self-responsibility for myself and taking care for myself and to stop all wishes/wants/desires to be popular/desired/respected/remembered and cared for by my friends as I with this only support my belief that I um unable to take care of myself and be happy with myself without others, which is just an energetic illusion of thoughts/feelings that I created in myself and so I commit myself to not accept and allow these fears self-responsibility and desires for friends to exist within myself as this is not who I really am or how I want to be/exist and experience myself.