Day 72 - Going for a walk

I had enough of myself today, living the same patterns, fears and being lazy, never really doing anything for myself. I always wait for something to happen, I wait for others to do something with me or do what others do and I get lost and scared when I am alone. I had enough of myself being like this and I went outside for a walk. It was 1 in the morning and there was chilly outside, everything was white from a thin layer of fresh frosty snow. I started walking across the city towards the big cinema. I knew it will be closed but I didn't care. That was my goal and I enjoyed myself, walking alone. I almost never do something just for myself, alone, I usually do things out of fear or I let my emotions and feelings to direct me, instead of me directing myself. I have to establish my own self-direction and stop fearing being with myself alone, doing things for myself alone. I have to stop waiting for things to happen to me, stopping wishing for this and that and stop fearing doing things for myself alone... I came to the cinema and in deed it was closed, so I continued walking towards the gas station. My partner wished for a chocolate, so I went to look if it is still open. I saw how my experience of myself immediately changed when I decided to go out by myself and for myself, when I decided to no more wait for something to happen or someone to be with me or give me direction. And I realized that this is what I need, what I have to do, start doing things for myself alone, I have to decide for myself what to do and be my own starting point. It doesn't really matter what I will do, what matters is that I decide to do it and do it for myself alone. Not to follow some desires and wishes, but to learn to direct myself alone, to develop self-direction, to learn to be with myself alone and stop fearing being with myself alone and being self-responsible for myself. This is how I will develop self-trust and lose the fear of doing things alone and start living me, being with myself alone, because each of us is alone and we have to be alone together. I am not saying that I have to be or will be actually alone, with no one around, that is irrelevant. What is important is that I start being self-directive and do things for myself alone, with myself, to develop self-trust and not depend on others, wait for others, subdue myself to others. I have to stop waiting for others to give me direction. I have to stop fearing living and being alive, I have to start being my own self-direction without fear and self-judgment.

I came to the gas station and it was closed, so I continued walking. I had no specific goal, but I had self-direction and my principle - walking. I walked and I walked quite fast and I was decisive. That's what I decided to do for myself alone and that is what I was doing and I enjoyed myself in how decisive I was. I walked for about an hour and I went across the city and to the top of a hill with a great view of it and I didn't get tired at all. I realized and decided that this is what I have to do for myself, I have to develop self-direction and determination to do things alone, for myself, to be my own starting point and get rid of all the fears of being self-responsible and learn to be as self-directive and decisive and without fears as I was at that moment, walking. I did it for myself and I was enjoying my self-direction and determination. And I didn't fear to be with myself alone. I always feared being alone, having to do things for myself alone and being self-responsible. And I still do at times, but I have my writings, self-forgiveness and common sense and I know what I want, I always want to be as decisive and as self-directive and without fear as I was when I decided to walk today. And I know that I have a lot of patterns to write out and remove and that fears and laziness and resistances and all the self-limitations of the mind will come back to test me, but I will not subdue to these mind energetic patterns and I will not let myself be less than what I am as Life. And I know that I will fail to stand many times, but I know what I want and I have my walk. I know how it is to walk decisively for self alone, without fear and with self-direction. And so I will walk and direct myself to walk, just as I did this day, and I will have this walk as an example of how self-directive, determined and without fear I can be and I will spread this walk to all parts of myself and my living, to be as best as I can and to not accept anything less from myself than what I really am as Life, in oneness and equality.

Day 71 - Reviewing the main patterns

Day 70 is in Slovene.

I will review my main patterns I see coming up during the day. In the morning I don't get up when I wake up as I avoid facing my responsibilities and so rather lie longer or fall back asleep until it's time to go to college. It's time I stop doing this, so I commit myself to get up at 8 am and make myself a proper breakfast and prepare for the day.

As I am outside I still sometimes allow myself to look and scan for attractive girls, just to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal. I've been writing this pattern out already and I'll have to some more but that should be no excuse for me to not stop participating in it and look at the desires that come up. I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in the pattern of looking/scanning for attractive girls in order to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal and I commit myself to look at the desires that come up and write them out and apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath so that I do not follow the pattern.

When in class I see that I still hold myself back when professor asks questions or when I want to ask a question. Thus I commit myself to not allow the pattern of fear and holding myself back within self-judgment to direct me, instead I apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath to break the pattern and speak or ask the question.

I see how I am constantly allowing myself to be in a survival mode where I fear the future anytime I don't know how to do/solve a task for college or whenever there is a possibility that my partner is going to leave. I will be looking more into these two points.

Fear of not being able to complete my college responsibilities:

The main point here is that when I get to a problem while doing the homework, I allow myself to get nervous and inpatient if I do not find a solution quickly or if/when I realize that in order to get to a solution, I will have to do more work than I expected, where I fear that I will not have enough time to do it. I also allow resistances to come up where I experience myself negatively while I am working and even when I only think about doing tasks for college. This is also a consequence of me not working effectively as I constantly allow myself to distract myself with the desires of positive experiences as I try to run away from or compensate for the negative experiences that I create for myself as I work for college or on my responsibilities  As a consequence of this I create fears of me not being able to finish college as I do not trust myself that I will be able to effectively work through any task that I have to do to be successful. I have already seen how all of these fears and reactions I create are useless and pointless as although I had them, I was always able to do all the tasks successfully in the and, therefore I have to stop compromising myself with these patterns and direct myself in breath. I commit myself to to not accept and allow myself to be directed by fears and resistances and positive/negative experiences as I do work for college or do other responsibilities and I commit myself to stop all these patterns by applying self forgiveness and self direction immediately and writing out the patterns.

Fear of being alone/without a partner:

The first thing coming up is connected again to not trusting self that I will be fine with myself as I have in the past searched and find someone else to help/support me and therefore I didn't take responsibility for myself and so I created a pattern of me not trusting me to solve any problems I might have alone and be fine with myself alone. Therefore I commit myself to write out and investigate the patterns and points where I rely on others and where I search for others to help me instead of me taking self-responsibility for myself alone and apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath to support myself alone and to create self-trust through effective self-direction.