Day 71 - Reviewing the main patterns

Day 70 is in Slovene.

I will review my main patterns I see coming up during the day. In the morning I don't get up when I wake up as I avoid facing my responsibilities and so rather lie longer or fall back asleep until it's time to go to college. It's time I stop doing this, so I commit myself to get up at 8 am and make myself a proper breakfast and prepare for the day.

As I am outside I still sometimes allow myself to look and scan for attractive girls, just to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal. I've been writing this pattern out already and I'll have to some more but that should be no excuse for me to not stop participating in it and look at the desires that come up. I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in the pattern of looking/scanning for attractive girls in order to get a quick fix of excitement and arousal and I commit myself to look at the desires that come up and write them out and apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath so that I do not follow the pattern.

When in class I see that I still hold myself back when professor asks questions or when I want to ask a question. Thus I commit myself to not allow the pattern of fear and holding myself back within self-judgment to direct me, instead I apply self forgiveness immediately and direct myself in breath to break the pattern and speak or ask the question.

I see how I am constantly allowing myself to be in a survival mode where I fear the future anytime I don't know how to do/solve a task for college or whenever there is a possibility that my partner is going to leave. I will be looking more into these two points.

Fear of not being able to complete my college responsibilities:

The main point here is that when I get to a problem while doing the homework, I allow myself to get nervous and inpatient if I do not find a solution quickly or if/when I realize that in order to get to a solution, I will have to do more work than I expected, where I fear that I will not have enough time to do it. I also allow resistances to come up where I experience myself negatively while I am working and even when I only think about doing tasks for college. This is also a consequence of me not working effectively as I constantly allow myself to distract myself with the desires of positive experiences as I try to run away from or compensate for the negative experiences that I create for myself as I work for college or on my responsibilities  As a consequence of this I create fears of me not being able to finish college as I do not trust myself that I will be able to effectively work through any task that I have to do to be successful. I have already seen how all of these fears and reactions I create are useless and pointless as although I had them, I was always able to do all the tasks successfully in the and, therefore I have to stop compromising myself with these patterns and direct myself in breath. I commit myself to to not accept and allow myself to be directed by fears and resistances and positive/negative experiences as I do work for college or do other responsibilities and I commit myself to stop all these patterns by applying self forgiveness and self direction immediately and writing out the patterns.

Fear of being alone/without a partner:

The first thing coming up is connected again to not trusting self that I will be fine with myself as I have in the past searched and find someone else to help/support me and therefore I didn't take responsibility for myself and so I created a pattern of me not trusting me to solve any problems I might have alone and be fine with myself alone. Therefore I commit myself to write out and investigate the patterns and points where I rely on others and where I search for others to help me instead of me taking self-responsibility for myself alone and apply self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath to support myself alone and to create self-trust through effective self-direction.

2011 - Black Swan the movie

I watched this movie titled Black Swan that got nominated for the Oscar thing. It's about a ballerina who wants to have a lead role in a play. (Spoiler alert) Then she finally gets it and starts to train for the dance. She wants to be perfect and the best and then she starts to fear her competition and that one of her dance colleges will take her role. Her mother also suppresses her with being strict about everything and she starts to loose touch with reality because of all the feelings, emotions, fears and stuff going through her mind. At the day of the dance she really looses it and during a break she stabs herself thinking she stabbed her dance college because she thinks she wants to steal her role. But then she returns to the stage and in the end finishes the dance with enacted suicide of the swan, while still bleeding from the stab. And in the end she says something like "That was perfect."

Was it? Lets get real; Not even close.

So this movie can be quite a support for the viewer if one looks at it from the common sense perspective because it clearly shows how seriously fucked up we as people can and actually do get when we accept and allow ourselves to get possessed by thoughts, feelings and emotions. In this case the girl playing the Swan didn't take responsibility for her thoughts, feelings and emotions and so didn't sort out the practical, real life problems that she faced. Like her mom trying to control her all the time. Or the injuries that she got because of too much physical body stress from trying to be perfect at dancing. Or her fears that came up in her. So the problems just continued to accumulate. And all she did was that she focused only on her original mind-fuck desire of wanting to be perfect and famous as a ballet dancer. Achieving that one special moment when everyone will tell her how perfect she is and she will be in the center of attention. So this mind-fuck possession that she accepted and allowed to possess her completely, derived from a point in the past when she defined herself as 'less than' and 'not good enough'. Thus wanting to continuously balance out the polarity by at least once being 'the best' and 'famous'. Because of this she got completely schizophrenic, not distinguishing between what is reality as what is physically here and her own mind fantasy. And all she did was hurt herself and others because she existed completely and only as ego, completely separated from reality and common sense. In real life, people like that are put in a mental institution.

So if we look at ourselves and what we accept and allow to exist in ourselves as thoughts, feelings and emotions every day, we see that we do exactly the same things. The movie just presented a possible example of what happens if one continues to accept and allow oneself to get more and more possessed by thoughts, feelings and emotions. In short: one gets crazy.

The movie got graded quite high and I'd say mostly not because of the points I talked about. I can see how people look at the movie and say: "Oh, you can do everything if you wish it strong enough." And get crazy in the process, only looking at your self interest, no matter what? And others saying: "It is beautiful how she managed to transform her inner turmoil and pain into something so real and beautiful as a ballet dace." Which is a statement of complete self-deception because it only focuses on the point of a dance that seems 'positive' and 'beautiful' and is staged anyway and disregards the reality, which is pain, self-abuse, egoism and schizophrenia, a girl almost killing herself trying to balance out her accepted and allowed mind-fuck illusions in the head of 'wanting to be famous' and feeling as 'less than'. This is not beautiful in any way. It is a complete abuse of life in every way.

And the point of it all is that we have to start realizing that each one of us is responsible for what one accepts and allows in oneself as thoughts, feelings and emotions and that in essence these are the things we have to take complete responsibility for and there will be no better time for this than now, when we know how to effectively deal with them and how to solve all our problems with simple self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application. That is real life, being responsible for oneself to do what is best for all and use common sense to never again accept and allow in oneself or others to abuse life as who we are.

That's also why we propose and work on the Equal Money System that will transform the current capitalistic system of abuse in a system of support, where no one will ever have to abuse self or others just to get some money for survival. We still have lots to do but that is not a problem because we know exactly what needs to be done and how to do it, just by simply putting a simple equality equation into practice. Join us and you will see how simple and worthwhile Life can really be if one is self-honest and works in a group as en equal, to bring about what is Best for All.

One Life, One Vote for World Equality and an Equal Money System.

http://equalmoney.org
http://www.desteni.co.za