Day 251 - Expressiveness

I have been looking at expressiveness and how experience myself often as holding back my expression. Here are the self-forgiveness points I wrote out:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being expressive as positive and within this desire to be more expressive and feel negative when I see myself as not expressive enough. When and as I see myself defining being expressive as positive and desire to be more expressive and feel negative when I see myself as not expressive enough – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have created an unnecessary polarity by defining the word expressive as positive. Thus I commit myself to not define the word expressive as positive anymore and to not create desire to be more expressive, instead I understand that everything is an expression and so I can rather look at where I see I am not expressing what I could because I hold myself back.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to my expression with negativity, non-acceptance, mockery, rejection, negative judgment. When and as I see myself fearing that others will react to my expression with negativity, non-acceptance, mockery, rejection, negative judgment – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to take such reaction personally as they are just projection/reactions of others and who they are and not me and who I am. I realize and understand that fearing negative reactions to my expression is pointless as it does not help me or protect me in any way. Thus I commit myself to not fear negative reaction to my expression from others, instead I take them simply as feedback that I can use to improve myself in relation to the goals I want to achieve.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool out of myself where no one will take me seriously anymore and see me as their equal. When and as I see myself fearing that I will make a fool out of myself where no one will take me seriously anymore and see me as their equal – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when someone wants to perceive me as a fool, that is his/hers projection of his/her own judgments that are just that and nothing more. I realize and understand that if someone does not want to see and accept me as his/her equal, no matter what I said or did, this is as well the projection of his/her own judgments and separation of superiority/inferiority that he/she has not dealt with yet and so, I am for him/her just a mirror of his/her own inner conflict. I realize that it is useless for me to wish/want from others to take me as their equal, because I cannot control others. I can only make sure that I always see myself equal to others and others equal to me as Life, no matter what they say or do. Thus I commit myself to stop fearing that I will make a fool out of myself and that others will not take me seriously and see me as their equal, instead I commit myself to never separate from others by seeing/defining/judging them as fools or by not taking them seriously or by thinking that I am more/less than them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression with other’s expression to see who is more expressive. When and as I see myself comparing my expression with others – I stop and breathe. I realize that this is pointless as the only consequence of it is the idea of superiority/inferiority of one’s expression in relation to another’s. Thus I commit myself to not compare my expression with others; instead I look at how I can express myself in new ways and where I am not expressing fully because of fears.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of other people who I see/perceive to be more expressive and relaxed than me. When and as I see myself becoming jealous of other people who I see/perceive to be more expressive and relaxed than me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that being jealous is pointless as I will not help myself with it. Instead I commit myself to look at the cause of my holding back/fearing expressing what I wanted and letting go of the fears by self-forgiveness and expressing myself without fears.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my nervousness/fears around strangers by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear. When and as I see myself justifying my nervousness/fears around strangers by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am simply not allowing myself to be completely self-honest and accept the real reasons/causes for my fears/nervousness towards strangers for the moment, so that I can let them go with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself to no more accept the justification that I don’t know how to not be nervous/fear when I am around strangers, instead I make sure that I allow myself to be completely self-honest and accept the causes/reasons/sources of my fears and nervousness towards strangers for the moment and let them go with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I am not/don’t know how to be expressive around strangers when I see others how they talk with strangers with no hesitation/difficulty. When and as I see myself taking it as a confirmation that I am not/don’t know how to be expressive around strangers when I see them talk to stranger without hesitation/difficulty – I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not help myself by confirming to myself that I am not expressive through judgmental comparison. Thus I commit myself to rather instead look at the source/cause of my fears/nervousness/hesitation towards speaking to a stranger and let them go with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by going into frustration and powerlessness in relation to holding myself back/fearing of expressing myself more, especially around strangers. When and as I see myself sabotaging myself by going into frustration and powerlessness in relation to holding myself back/fearing of expressing myself more, especially around strangers – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I will not help myself by going/staying in the experience of frustration and powerlessness. This I commit myself to not sabotage myself by going into frustration and powerlessness when I see/perceive I hold back my expression, instead I look at the cause/source of my fears and let them go with self-forgiveness.

Day 250 - Fearlesness

I have been looking at the point of fearlessness and my desire to be without fears. Bellow are the self-forgiveness points I wrote out so far.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being fearless as positive and having fear as negative and within this adding unnecessary extra judgment towards my experience of when I have fears or when I don’t. When and as I see myself defining/judging fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as negative – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that judging/defining/perceiving fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as negative will not help me be stable and self-directive, because when I start judging having fears I don't apply the solution of looking what the fear is about and stopping it, and then I just create the desire to not fear, while I fear. Thus I commit myself to stop defining fearlessness as positive and fearfulness as positive, instead I simply see it as an experience where fear either is or is not involved.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be fearless because I perceived it as something positive. When and as I see myself desiring to be fearless – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that by desiring I am just creating another layer of feelings, instead of look at the source of fears and stopping it. Thus I commit myself to no more desire to be fearless and to instead look at the source of fear that comes up and remove it with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always have fears and not be self-confident and inferior. When and as I see myself fearing that I will always have fears and not be self-confident – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this fearing the fear itself. Thus I commit myself to always make sure that I do not fear the fear itself, but instead take it as an indicator that I haven’t look at the specific point and directed it without self-sabotage/self-doubt. So I look at the point and remove all self-sabotage/self-doubt/self-judgment with self-forgiveness and direct myself in self-certainty without fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide that I would like to know how to be fearless and wonder about it, instead of looking at the cause of my fears and removing them. When and as I see myself thinking about how it would be to be fearless – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I can only make stop fears by looking self-honestly at the cause of my fears and removing it with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself that instead of wondering about how fearlessness looks like, I will find the cause of my fears and remove them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of my schoolmate when I saw her being self-confident and without fears. When and as I see myself seeing/perceiving someone being fearless and becoming jealous – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I don’t help myself by being jealous; instead I can take the moment to enjoy the self-expression of the person and realize that all it takes to stop my fears is to look at the source cause of it and remove it with self-forgiveness. Thus I commit myself to not create jealousy towards people I see/perceive as being fearless, but to instead enjoy the moment of self-expression with them and apply self-forgiveness on the causes for my fears that may come up within me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the point of “I don’t know how not to fear” as a justification for keeping my fears. When and as I see myself thinking “I don’t know how now to fear” – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am not being self-honest, because I know me and I know what I fear and why. Thus I commit myself to not accept the justification of “I don’t know how not to fear” and to instead have a self-honest look at the cause/source of my fears and apply self-forgiveness to let them go as I don’t need them and they don’t serve me or help me in any way.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop my fears when I see I have fears coming up while comparing myself with someone else for whom I see/perceive has no fears. When and as I see myself taking it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop fears in moment where I realize I have fears coming up – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I simply haven’t allowed myself to admit the cause/source of my fears to myself yet. Thus I commit myself to no more take it as a confirmation that I don’t know how to stop fears when I see fears coming up, instead I allow myself to be brutally self-honesty with myself and see the cause/source of my fears and apply self-forgiveness to let it go as I know and understand that fears don’t help or protect me at all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear and how to find the source of my fears. When and as I see myself sabotaging myself by thinking that I don’t know how not to fear and how to find out the source of my fears – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I simply have to slow down my thoughts, breathe more, write out the experience and ask more questions to see and come to the source of my fears to then remove them with self-forgiveness and let them go. Thus I commit myself to, when I see I have fears coming up, stop, breathe, slow down my thoughts and write out the experience and allow myself to be brutally self-honest and see the cause/source of my fears and then let it go with self-forgiveness.

Day 249 - The Funny Guy

Previous blog is in Slovene.

These are the self-forgiveness statements I wrote when looking at removing my desire to be the funny guy:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being funny as positive and not being funny as a negative personal trait. When and as I see myself defining/perceiving being funny as positive and not being funny as negative personal trait – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am participating in a polarity definition of funny that I use to judge myself and others. Thus I commit myself to stop perceiving being funny as a positive personality train and not funny as negative.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be funny, so that people would like me. When and as I see myself desiring to be funny so that others would like me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that only I can like myself. Thus I commit myself to stop desiring to be liked by others and focus on simply me expressing in the physical moment when I am with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool out of myself and not be liked by others, because I will not be funny but just stupid. When and as I see myself that I fear I will make a fool out of myself and not be like by others – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that not being liked by others is nothing to fear, as well as making a fool out of myself, because others will always have their own judgments about what is smart and what stupid, what they like and what they don’t. Thus I commit myself to not fear not being liked or making a fool out of myself, because I don’t have to judge myself as a fool and others will always think whatever they want to, no matter what I do or say. Thus fearing that this will happen is useless and will not help me or change anything.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide that I have to become funny and use the funny character to make others laugh so that they would like me. When and as I see myself deciding to use the funny character so that others would like me – I stop and breathe. I realize that only I can like myself and so I commit myself to not look for attention and likeness in others, but give it to myself and then share that with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I make others laugh and feel more and superior and to feel bad and inferior when I don’t make others laugh and when others don’t think that I can make them laugh or that what I say/do is funny. When and as I see myself feeling superior when others see me as funny and inferior when they don’t – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am judging myself based on how funny others perceive I am, instead of me expressing myself without judgment. Thus I commit myself to no more decide/wish/want to make others laugh and feel superior when I do and inferior when I don’t.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of another when he became funnier than me and took the attention away from me. When and as I see myself becoming jealous of another when he/she is funnier than me and taking attention away from me – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am jealous because I am looking for attention to feel better and superior. Thus I commit myself to give myself the attention to remove the need for attention from others and stop being jealous.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a competition out of trying to be funnier than others to get more attention and be more likable. When and as I see myself competing with others in trying to be funnier – I stop and breathe. I realize that I am looking for attention, instead of giving it to myself so that I can stop the need for getting attention and being liked. I commit myself to no more compete with others in who is funnier and to instead express myself in the moment without judging and comparing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire of wanting to be funny by thinking that if I am funny, I will get attention and people will like me as they do others. Instead of realizing that I don’t give myself the attention that I think others should and that I can give myself the attention as well as others. When and as I see myself justifying my desire to be funny by thinking that only this way I will be liked – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that only I can like myself and so I commit myself to accept myself without judgment and be the same to others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take it as a confirmation that I am/will only be liked when I am funny when I try to be funny and others don’t find me interesting.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by constantly fearing that I will make a fool out of myself and consequently trying to be funny and likeable to others. When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be liked by other and that I will make a fool out of myself – I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that not being liked by others is nothing to fear, as well as making a fool out of myself, because others will always have their own judgments about what is smart and what stupid, what they like and what they don’t. Thus I commit myself to not fear not being liked or making a fool out of myself by the opinion of others, because I don’t have to judge myself as a fool and others will always think whatever they want to, no matter what I do or say. Thus fearing that this will happen is useless and will not help me or change anything. Instead I can listen to other’s suggestion of how I can improve myself and/or consider other’s perspectives.