I haven't written a blog for a long time. But now I finally have a moment to be with myself. My partner went to a vacation so I am with myself and I enjoy it. I realized that I take my partner as a constant bourdain, because I have so many resistances and reactions coming up while she is around me. I feel like I am being forced and controlled. This has to come from the beginning when we moved together into this apartment, when I just moved away from my previous girlfriend and so I still had desires towards her and my current partner always lived in paranoia of me wanting to go back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being controlled and forced by my partner when she is around me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created this feelings around my partner when I was afraid that she will leave me if I don't act/behave according to her expectations.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this feelings of resistance and inferiority that I created within myself when being around her.
When and as I see myself going into resistance, fear, inferiority when I am around my partner - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to go into the feeling of resistance, fear, inferiority when I am around my partner, instead I state that I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled by these reactions/emotions and I direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is the cause of my fear, inferiority and resistance.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the cause of the fear, inferiority and resistance when I am around my partner as I have created these energies.
When and as I see myself seeing myself reacting to my partner - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am creating these reactions and so I commit myself to clearly state that I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by these reactions, instead I breathe and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner has an influence on me that is bad for me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can be grateful for the points that come up around my partner as I can so easily see where I still have not faced a point and directed it in breath as myself as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification of 'my partner is a bad influence on me' to avoid facing my reactions and blaming my partner for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my reactions.
When and as I see myself thinking/believing that my partner is a bad influence on me - I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only be influenced as much as I accept and allow and no more. Therefore I commit myself to no more think/believe that my partner is a bad influence on me and I stop avoiding facing self-responsibility on how I accept and allow myself to be influenced by others. I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for my reactions around my partner and others and I commit myself to focus on myself and my reactions around my partner and others and remove them until I can stand clear in the breathe around my partner and not react to her or others and direct myself in the breathe according to what is best for all.
