Wednesday, September 28, 2011

2011 - Agreement and fear of meeting with the director

Yesterday Barbi, Ajda and I had a meeting and we decided to start an agreement between us to support each other with the process and also in business to work as a group in making money and sharing it equally and for common sense intentions that need to be done. We don't live together (only Barbi and I) but we agreed to meet whenever possible to share our mind constructs and points and support each other. I see this as a great opportunity for myself to see what kind of relationship points I still need to let go of and also to deal with my points of intimacy where I am afraid to share something about myself with another. We've also agreed to work on collecting the money to visit the farm again next year around September. We'll see if that will be possible.

Today's point for mind construct:

I went to the firm that gave me the scholarship for my studies to talk with the director about a small delay in finishing the diploma and also about the possibility of a job after I finish. As I was driving to the company I started to experience some fear about what am I going to say and how am I going to defend myself against the fact that I will not finish the diploma exactly on time which could be a problem because of my scholarship contract. I felt guilt about the delay and I searched for excuses and justifications for the situation. I feared that the director will not want to listen and that I will have to return the scholarship which would be a very hard thing to do for me. I helped myself with breathing and I also practiced a bit what am I going to say which made me feel less nervous because I was afraid that I will forget about something that I have to explain or that I will not know how to defend myself. So the whole mind-fuck originates from the idea that I am guilty of being late and not exactly on time. So I judged myself for it and then got the idea that I have to defend myself for the mistake that I've supposedly made. All bullshit.
I've parked my car and walked inside and up the stairs and with this my fear started to rise as I will have to face the director as my judge while I was the real self-judge. I asked the secretary if I can speak with the director but he was busy so I had to wait for a while. I started to walk up and down the hole-way, trying to use self-aware breathing in order to stop the fear but it always came back again as I didn't to self-forgiveness on the points that caused it in the first place. So then I was able to enter and I spoke with him. I had a some fear in me for as long as we were talking and then it turned out as not being a problem so I created all that fear and self-judgment for myself while in reality it was just a formality that is not a problem at all.
I also asked about a job and he said that they already have someone and that is better for me to start looking for a job elsewhere. In this moment I created a relief and also an unpleasant feeling for me at the same time. Relief as in this case I will have no obligation to the company and will be able to find a job wherever I want and a bit of fear and uncertainty as I don't have a guaranteed job and so a way to start earning money as soon as I finish my diploma. I experienced a relief of emotional tension as I walked out of the firm as everything worked out OK and I allowed myself to let go of my self-judgments and fear. But still haven't remove the patterns that I used to create my experience as it was, so I'll write some self-forgiveness and self corrective statements to support myself as I come into a similar situation next time in order to stay here in the breath and not create any mind-fucks for myself to limit myself with.

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