Day 177 - What does socializing and being in company mean to me?

Previous blog is in Slovene.

Today I will look at the point of wants / desires and ideas / perceptions that I have towards socializing and how I see / experience myself while in company with others.

I see being in company / hanging out with others as a chance to express myself through interactions with others that I couldn't do otherwise. Within this I believe that this is fun, because I can expand myself and see where I am still limiting myself when I interact with others. I see I also connect hanging out with others with positive feelings of laughter, happiness, excitement and when I am in company and don't experience this feelings, I quickly become bored and not interested and so I believe that the company is boring, instead of removing the feeling / emotions that I create while with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that hanging out with others should be about feeling happy, laughing and being excited. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that hanging out with others should be about feeling happy, excited and joking / laughing - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have defined hanging out with others according to the feeling of happiness, excitement and joking, where I would the feel the epposite emotion - boredom, sadness - when I am with others and do not experience these happy feelings and would also consequently blame and define the company as boring / not my type / depressing / lifeless. I commit myself to no more connect/see/perceive/define hanging out with people as an activity where I and everyone should feel happy, excited and joke around. Instead I breathe and do not anticipate / make assumptions about how my experience with others should look like and I direct myself to in the breath, learn to enjoy expressing myself with others without emotional / feeling reactions / anticipations / wants / needs / judgments and without blaming.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that expressing myself with others is more fun than expressing myself alone and that I need others to get that "fun". When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that expressing myself with others is more fan than expressing myself alone - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this separating myself from fun/enjoyable expression of myself. I realize that the enjoyment/fin of my own expression is not / cannot be dependent on others and if they are with me or not - thus I must make sure that I learn to express myself and enjoy/have fun with myself at all times where the fact that I am with others or alone has nothing to do with it. Thus I commit myself to no more think/believe/perceive that I can have more fun/enjoy myself more if I am with others and that I in such moment focus on learning how to express and enjoy my own company and expression so that I doesn't matter whether there is someone with me or not. I commit myself to observe how I behave when I am alone and with other to see how / where does my behavior change and to then make sure that I am always the same whether I am with myself alone or with others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I am with them and do not feel excited, happy, but instead feel bored or afraid of expressing myself the way I do when I am alone because of self-judgment. When and as I see myself that I see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I feel bored around the or are afraid to express myself the way I do when I am alone - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am projecting my emotions onto others and so blame them because I do not want to take self-responsibility for how I feel. Thus I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define the company/others as boring/lifeless/depressing/not my type of people when I am with them and do not feel excited, happy, but instead feel bored or afraid of expressing myself with them the same way as when I am alone. Instead I commit myself to look at my emotions and remove them with self-forgiveness and make sure the I am enjoying expressing myself the same way when I am with others as when I am alone.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire other people's company when I think of other and to go into imagination about how it would look like to have company. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring other people's company when I think of them and that I am imagining how it would be to have company - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am within this separating myself into anticipations/desire of company where I actually desire the happy feelings I believe that would amplify. Therefore I commit myself to no more wish/want/desire other people's company when I think of them and to no more imagine how it would look like to have company because I understand that I am with this just creating anticipations/desires/wants/needs based on feeling and emotions where I then exist in these emotional experiences and completely miss what is actually here and how I can express and enjoy myself in that very moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define friendly competition among friends as fun and exciting and to connect this with the image of how people are playing sports or games and laughing, which is again a connection to happy positive feelings of excitement, happiness and joking around. When and as I see myself seeing/defining/perceiving friendly competition among friends as fin and exciting - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have in that moment connected that with the image of people having positive feeling and me wantng/desiring positive feelings. Thus I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define friendly competition among friends as more fun than no competition and no interaction with others and to no more connect it with the positive feelings of excitement, happiness and fun and to no more desire/want/need to feel happy, excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/see/perceive life as having to be fun where I am feeling happy and excited. When and as I see myself defining/seeing/perceiving that (my) life should be such that I will feel happy and excited - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have within this defined life according to the positive feeling of happiness and excitement, where I would then feel like am I not having/living the best life if/when I am not feeling happy and excited. Therefore I commit myself to no more see/perceive/define/desire/want/need life as having to be such that I feel happy and excited because I understand that I am with this creating the positive energetic desire and a polarity, where I will believe that I must get these feelings of happiness and excitement in order to live as I should, instead of just being here, breathing and realizing that the real life is when I do not separate myself into desires and feeling/emotions, but just be with myself here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to constantly search for the feelings of happiness and excitement in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will feel sad, bored and only have negative emotions left if I stop creating (searching for the positive feeling of happiness and excitement. When and as I see myself searching/creating the positive feeling of happiness and excitement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this is a polarity construct where I constantly search for something that will "make me" happy and excited, instead of just being here with myself with every breath. I commit myself to no more search for the feeling of happiness and excitement and to forgive and stop all such desires/wants as I see them come up.

Day 4 - Competition / Comparison

When playing basketball or some other sports I often experience fears that come from comparison and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/perceive playing basketball or other sports as a competition where I either win or lose, instead of realizing that this is an energetic mind polarity game where I compare myself with others and according to that define myself as either more than or less than. Whenever I see myself comparing myself and competing with others where I fear of loosing and being 'less than' - I stop and I breathe. Instead I accept myself and all others as equal regardless of the result or win/lose, better/worse comparisons and definitions. I play the game for fun and recreation and I accept myself and others as equal even when I miss, make mistakes or are not in the same level as others in terms of any kind of criteria.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than whenever I miss, make a mistake, instead of realizing that missing/making a mistake does not define me as who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear/nervousness of missing/making a mistake whenever I throw the ball/make my play, instead of realizing that it does not matter if I succeed or fail as this does not define me as 'more than' or 'less than' in any way. Whenever I see myself going into fear/nervousness when it is my turn to make my play - I stop and breathe. Instead I do not compare myself and I don't care/think about what the result of my play will be, I simply enjoy myself here in my body while playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will make angry/spiteful comments when I miss/make a mistake. I realize that missing/making a mistake does not define me as less than in any way. Whenever I see myself fearing missing/making a mistake and feeling 'less than' - I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath and do not go into back chat and comparison and enjoy moving in my physical body.


Comparing myself to other men:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other men and compete with them to 'prove' myself as better or equal because I don't want to feel less than and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that girls will not like me if I am not equal or 'better than' other man. I realize that I create my own judgment of being less than when I start to compare myself to other men and that wanting to be liked by other women comes from the desire to be able to have sex with any woman. When and as I see myself comparing myself to other men - I stop and I breathe. Instead I accept myself and other men as equals. When and as I see myself desiring to be able to have sex with any woman - I stop and I breathe. Instead I stop the sex backchat and I do no participate in arousing myself with thoughts/pictures.