2010 - My mindfucks towards my father/males

I figured out yesterday that I have a difficulty of establishing communication/friendship with males because I have this point towards my father. We mostly talked when he was drunk and so it was always very unpleasant for me, so I made this defensive layer inside my mind-consciousness system which basically came down to trying to avoid talking to male figures who are in some way or another similar to my father (like those being considered in society as higher authority). Also I experience a resistance to open myself and share myself to males because I am afraid to get the same reaction from them than I got form my father, which is that of non-acceptance and ridicule that would put me in a 'less than' position in relation to them or others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally influenced by what other people say or think about me. I do not accept and allow myself to be moved in any way what so ever by other people thoughts, words, reactions, judgments or deeds. I am here in the breath and I do what is best for all in all ways and I accept all as one as equal as me as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of opening myself up to others and to be afraid that others might hurt my feelings. I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and I do not accept and allow myself to be emotional or have judgmental thoughts or thoughts of comparison or any other thoughts about me or anyone else. I am here in the breath as life as one as equal with all as life. I do not accept and allow any abuse from others towards Life and I take responsibility and direct myself to stop the abuse and not participate in the abuse because I am one and equal and all is me as Life.

2010 - Update on dealing with my father

So because I couldn't face my father directly (we usually don't see each other when he is sober) I wrote him a letter where I've explained my starting point and that I will no longer support his drinking and thus not talking to him when he is drunk (other than hello). I left it at the computer he uses for him to see the next day when I'll no longer be there and gone for the weekend. So after that three days not being at home (but at my partners place) I experienced a rush of fear every time someone called me on the phone because I've expected my father calling being angry. He didn't call me eventually. So after coming back home on Monday he left me a message bellow mine saying that he completely understands me and that he hopes that I have a good judgment of when he is drunk and that I won't use that as an excuse to not talk to him. So now when he's drunk he doesn't try to talk to me so it looks like it worked. Maybe he'll also reconsider his drinking habits. That would be a miracle lol.

2010 - Fearing my father

I realized that I am afraid to speak to my father when he's drunk because I am afraid that I will make him angry and violent. When I was a kid he usually became violent when my mother talked with him. Mostly he just shouted and slammed doors but there was this one time when he grabbed my mother by her hair and held her for some time. I remember I got scared really bad and started crying. She tried to calm me down when he was still holding her and the way I see it now it seemed that the only reason why he didn't hit her was because I was there watching. Yeah, this is probably the major point about why I am scared of my father getting angry.

2010 - Points on Barbi and my father

Today (Wednesday) is the 3rd day of me living with my parents (again, since it's closer to where I work to get my mandatory practical education done) and apart from my agreement/girlfriend Barbi (she continues her studies in another town not too far away).

Yesterday I experienced some points of feeling a bit sad/empty because Barbi is not around which resulted in me thinking about how is she and what is she doing. I've noticed the mind pattern I was participating in pretty soon and started to breathe, focus on what is here and let it go. If it re-appears I just stop and breathe.

The other point is about my father. On Monday he came home late at about 10 p.m., expectedly drunk as most of the times. Maybe you've seen my vlog about me saying that I'll say to him that I won't talk to him anymore when he's drunk. I didn't do that yet because I didn't manage to calm down enough to stand in front of him in the breath as me here. When I talk to him when he's drunk it's like an energy storm inside of me and I get pumped with adrenalin so that if I pick up a glass to drink I feel my arm shaking. Fucking crazy. I realized that I have the wrong starting point when I speak with him. I come from a perspective of "I am in danger and must defend myself against psychological attacks at all costs" which I think results in the adrenalin and everything. I have already done some Self-Forgiveness so that next time I can come from the One and Equal starting point. I also decided that I will talk to him about not talking to him :) when he's drunk the next time he is sober to also eliminate my nervousness.

I'll also write a Mind Construct going through the time line of when he came home to map everything that was going on inside of my head and body and then write Self-Forgiveness.