Day 240 - Self-trust without experience

Previous blog is in Slovene.

I noticed how I am connecting self-trust with having experience, with having a point of reference somewhere in my mind where I can say: I know I can do that no problem because I did it before. So when I cannot find such a point, I lose self-trust, I start to doubt myself and fear that I will fail, that I will not be able to do it. And so the past memories come up of where I experienced myself as a failure and a disappointment and so this becomes a big point of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self-trust as having the knowing that I already did something with no problems in the past and so using that as a point of self-certainty that I don't have to fear anything now, because I know that I can trust myself to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear, uncertainty and self-doubt in relation to doing something (new) when I cannot find a reference point in my mind of knowing that I already did a similar point successfully in the past. When and as I see myself looking for a reference point of experience on which I would base my self-trust in being able to do something now - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this connecting self-trust with experience, which is not necessary as I will only create self-doubt and fear when I cannot find such a point within myself. Thus I commit myself to stop searching for a point of experience when I intend to do/am doing something I haven't done before.

Instead I redefine the point of self-trust as:
Self-movement within the understanding that I am always able to direct myself most effectively when I am simply aware of my breath and the physical situation around me and the goal that I want to achieve, without thinking about all the past experiences I have or don't have. And so I always have the ability to direct and correct myself in the moment as it is most appropriate in order to achieve the goal I set for myself and within this know and understand that there is no real failure in trying to achieve a goal, because I simply insist on achieving it until I do and learn and become more effective while I work on it.

Day 125 - Stage fright reaction when speaking with others

My previous blog is in Slovene.

A few days ago I had a reaction when I spoke with my friends. It's a fear reaction that comes up when I speak. I wrote a lot of self-forgiveness about self-judgement and such when speaking, I'm not sure if this is the right point. It is a very strong reaction where I get a stage fright and my heart starts racing and I start to sweat and my voice shakes. It happens really fast.

Here is how I see it happened:

I started to speak to a friend about an instance where I found how the tools of self-forgiveness are very powerful for self help and then I think that for a moment I lost the words/didn't see how I am going to explain it and then this reaction started, or maybe it started before. Then I continued to speak but I was in this reaction where my voice was shaky as I said. Then I started breathing and I calmed myself down quite fast, in a minute or so.

The point where I experienced most fear when/before talking is my father. I did not want to talk with him as he was often drunk and talking to us like we are worthless, only pointing out what he perceived as our faults and blame us for it in a scornful way.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the behavior of my father and the memory of it as an excuse for my fears of being treated scornfully by another when I talk or interact with someone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the scornful remarks of my father and take them personally where I wold then have scornful thoughts towards myself even before someone else does before/when I speak/interact with someone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, guilty and ashamed when someone laughs at me, criticizes me, reacts to me in a way that I perceive is negative and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take this personally where I would then believe that I am actually inferior and not good enough and that I should be ashamed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make scornful remarks towards others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the fear of my father and his scornful remarks and so the fear of me perceiving myself as inferior and being ashamed of myself and my mistakes.

Sometimes he would call me to have a discussion with him. I would have to come and sit where he wanted and then he would ask me questions that I didn't know how to answer where he would also blame me or make scornful remarks to what I said.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for reaction of fear towards speaking with him or another.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my father will make scornful remarks and blame me when I am going to talk with him.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take scornful remarks and blame from my father personally, where I would then believe that I have to be ashamed, that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my father will get violent and hit me when I talk with him.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of these fears of speaking with my father and feeling inferior, ashamed and not good enough.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking/being self-honest about my faults in front of my father/others because I am afraid of being blamed by others and get scornful remarks where I would then blame myself for it, be ashamed and feel inferior, instead of realizing that seeing/speaking/being self-honest about my faults is nothing to be ashamed of, because this is how I can take self-responsibility for them and correct myself and realign myself according to what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build an invisible wall of defense around myself when I speak with my father/others out of fear of him/someone pointing out my faults where I would then feel ashamed and inferior, blame myself and take it personally, instead of looking at it self-honestly and applying self-correction where necessary.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take down, destroy and delete this invisible wall of self-defense that I don't need because there is nothing about me that I would need defending, instead I always be self-honest with myself where I do not take my fathers/someone else's remarks personally where I would then react in shame and blame myself, but instead I look at myself and see where I can correct myself to become more effective here in the breath.


I asked for assistance on the Desteni forum and I got really cool feedback, so I suggest you read it because my further self-forgiveness is based on it: Forum topic with feedback

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people that have higher education or more experience than me as superior and me as inferior to them.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define/see/perceive people with higher education or more experience than me as an authority to which I have to prove my worth/equal value and so I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior in relation to authority and to define authority as superior.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am inferior to others as long as they do not accept me as an equal. I realize that how I perceive myself (superior/inferior) is not dependent on whether others accept me as their equal or not but only on how I see/perceive/define myself in relation to others. When and as I see myself define myself in relation to others as inferior/superior - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to remove all self-perceptions and definitions where I define/perceive myself as inferior/superior in relation to others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from authority and make myself inferior to authority. I realize and understand that I am my own authority and in this equal to any other authority. I commit myself to be my own authority and stop all reactions of superiority/inferiority towards authority.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/desire to present myself to my friend as more than what I am through talking about what I did instead of realizing that I have been through this trying to compensate for my feeling of inferiority towards my friend. I commit myself to stop myself with breath whenever I see myself trying to present myself as more than and instead apply self-forgiveness on the points of superiority/inferiority.

Will do more...