Day 265 - Postponing sending job applications

I'm currently looking for an 8 hour job and I often postpone sending applications, so I'll look at why this is.

When I see I can send an application a fear comes up. Fear of having to go somewhere to be judged and then rejected and the feeling of inferiority, inadequateness that comes afterwards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into a fearful character when I see I can send a job application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then immediately start thinking about all the things I will have to do and learn on the job before I will feel comfortable doing it and within this already create the feeling of stress/overwhelmingness in my mind, while nothing happened yet.
I realize and understand that there is no need for me to think about what I might have to do and learn at the job, because I with this just give energy to my mind. Therefore I commit myself to only look at what the next step is when applying for a job and focus on that and how to direct myself in breath, without reactions, in every step of finding, getting and starting to work at a new job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that finding and having an 8 hour job is hard/stressful and self-limiting and within this create these emotions within me, instead of stopping this belief and directing myself in breath. Thus I commit myself to enjoy myself through the activities of searching, applying for and working at a new 8 hour job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be rejected when applying for a new job and to define/see this as a personal failure and reason for my inferiority/unworthyness, instead of realizing that I can only do my best to present myself and even then, other people decide among many if I am the one they will employ. I realize that this is not personal and does not define me and who I am, but who people who employ and judge potential employees are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define having an 8 hour job to get money as being a slave and within this create the experience/emotions within me of anger, resistance, inferiority and powerlessness. I realize that these are just emotional experiences I can stop creating by stopping to define an 8 hour job as slavery. I realize that I can still have a job and work on other projects that will in the future bring me enough income to start doing what I would like to do and create without having to work in an 8 hour job for someone else. Thus I commit myself to work in the breath at whatever 8 hour job I will get and learn to enjoy myself within it as this is better than creating all the above emotions for me that I will not support myself with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone sending applications when I see I can, instead of simply taking a breathe and directing myself to enjoy the moment of preparing and sending the application. Thus I commit myself to immediately move myself to send the applications when I see I can.

Day 165 - Fears on being more involved

When I think of becoming more involved in various projects and being more self-directive in creating and applying solutions for the problems of our world, a fear comes up where I fear of losing free time, losing fun and flexibility to do what I want. This is what I will be addressing in this blog.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear losing fun, free time and flexibility to do what I perceive as fun when I think of becoming more involved in creating and applying solutions that have to be implemented for the benefit of our world. When and as I see myself fearing of losing fun, free time and flexibility to do what I perceive as fun - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am actually limiting myself to the perception of "fun" and "freedom" where I connect these ideas to feelings of excitement when doing certain things that I perceive as exciting, while what I perceived as my "freedom" is actually just a mask for avoidance that I use for abdicating my responsibility for the emotion of resistance, fear and inferiority that I create within myself when I face activities that I do not perceive as "fun". Thus I commit myself to not limit myself by these definitions of "a fun time", "freedom" and/or "flexibility", as I see that with this I just limit myself and my expression by not allowing myself to enjoy myself in every breath of doing whatever I am doing that needs to be done and overcome.

Redefinition:
Flexibility - to be able to change without resistance, to not have beliefs or intentions "set in stone", to consider what is here at all times and be able to adapt to all things and events, to be like water, to move through all things effortlessly with self-direction and without creating friction within self or others

I also realize that I can enjoy creating and applying solutions for myself and our world from the simple starting point of knowing that I am with this doing the only relevant thing that is worth doing for myself and for all as long as there is abuse, as doing anything else is basically just running back into my own self-limitations and inferiority, running back into being a robot where I am basically just afraid of myself most of the time. Therefore I commit myself to always remind myself of this point and so lead myself into the unknown adventure, where I will discover more of my perceived limitations, so that I can expand myself and create myself the way I want to, which is to be a being with no limitations, where I can express myself as flexibility and do what I decide to do without any self-sabotaging and according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my perceived limitation within gaming and seeking "fun times" in gaming, although I have proven to myself every time that I am actually enjoying myself more when I learning practical things about the world and myself and when I expand myself practically. When and as I see myself wanting to hide from my resistances and perceived limitations by seeking "fun times" in gaming or other entertainment - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am sabotaging myself and wasting my Life by limiting myself with emotions, instead of leading myself into the adventure of expanding myself practically. Therefore I commit myself to always remember: I expand and lead myself past my limitations for me and no one else, because only I can do that for myself. I remind myself that all I want to do as the real me as Life that I am, behind all the emotions, fears, resistances and good/positive and bad/negative feelings, is that I want to expand myself as Life and be without limitations, without fears, emotions and feelings and that the only way I can do this is to practically apply myself by participating in everything supportive for myself and by leading myself fearlessly and without self-judgment and/or self-blame and self-sabotaging. To simply do things and stop participating in any kind of postponement, resistance, self-blame, self-judgment, fear and self-sabotage that comes up, by stopping myself for a moment, breathing and applying the self-forgiveness and to then immediately start moving myself again in the physical, breath by breath - enjoying myself, my endurance, my determination, my consistency, my persistence, my stability, my self-direction, my constant application and my constant involvement in expanding myself past all the resistances, to create new expressions of myself and solutions that support myself and all in a way that is best for all.